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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27608579">PINK.7</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_coffee/pseuds/soul_coffee'>soul_coffee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dir en grey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Birthday, Christmas Presents, Christmas Smut, Cipher Hyde Takumi and probably others at some point? idk, Drunken Flirting, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Humor, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, Hijinks &amp; Shenanigans, Like, M/M, Mentioned Other Jrock/Visual Kei Artist(s), Mutual Pining, Non-Consensual Touching, Past Rape/Non-con, Recovery, Sex Toys, Smut, Tour Bus, Valentine's Day, dinner and crime event, mentioned sukekiyo, pet death, stupid bets</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:42:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>96,365</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27608579</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_coffee/pseuds/soul_coffee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>some shorter one-shots (during lockdown) to keep up with writing. basically, a rebel against the isolation; no one can take my freedom of writing and using my voice. (and writing these feels quite healing)</p><p>-edit: this is getting longer than I though... well, happens, I guess-<br/>tags to be added &amp; TW mentioned at the beginning of each chapter!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Die/Kaoru (Dir en grey), Die/Kyo (Dir en grey), Die/Toshiya (Dir en grey), Kaoru/Kyo (Dir en grey), Kaoru/Toshiya (Dir en grey), Shinya/Toshiya (Dir en grey)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. mode of: Macabre (Kaoru/Die)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Die’s having a private moment on the tour bus but doesn’t really keep it private and at some point his bandmates are so annoyed that they ask Kaoru to do something about it. Because, he’s the leader, after all?</p><p>TW for dubious consent</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Toshiya clicked with his pen, again, for the one hundredth time this hour. It was annoying. Okay, annoying was probably the wrong word for this situation they all found themselves in. Another gasp made it to his ear, let him twitch his head and click the pen again. Annoying, but it also left Toshiya with a little fit of jealousy. That Die could so easily let his mind and hand apparently wander while knowing exactly that the others were around too.<br/>
As the next louder moan broke through the silence, Toshiya put his pen back, couldn’t concentrate on the mere numbers in front of him. ‘Go and try sudoku’, what a shitty advice from Kyo. But the vocalist seemed as unconcerned about the noises as the person who caused them.<br/>
Not really knowing what he exactly wanted Kaoru to do, Toshiya walked up to the back of the bus, passed the bunk bed that caused him irrational shudders, and walked up to Kaoru, who sat put over some accounting and other paper work.<br/>
“Hey… um…” Toshiya cleared his throat, was quite sure that Kaoru heard it too. Just as everyone else in the bus. A low hum made it over Kaoru’s lips, his legs shifted as he finished the sentence and put the pen back, looked up to Toshiya.<br/>
“Could you by chance… do something against that?!” uneasiness filled the bassist. Not that he hadn’t tried to jerk off on the bus while the others were present. But he did this in the mere hours of the night when he was more than sure that everyone was sound asleep and not, unlike some others, in the evening when everyone tried to calm down from a busy day.<br/>
“Against…?” Kaoru looked up to Toshiya, a bit concerned as of what the problem was and if it needed immediate de-escalation. He rubbed over his chin where there usually was a little goatie that he had bothered to shave off for the upcoming concerts to give the audience a bit of a different look. Toshiya rolled his eyes, gestured vaguely to the bunks behind him. For a second both men listened, some low moans broke through their silence. Kaoru just closed his eyes shut and snorted, was quite amused that apparently someone had a good time with themselves.<br/>
“And what do you want me to DO?” tentative, Kaoru knew that everyone needed some time alone, some private time, especially when being on a long tour and in stressful situations. Every now and then when there was too much friction between the band members on stage, there were technical difficulties or something else unexpected happened that threw him off, Kaoru would help himself for a moment to calm down and relax again before he’d flip his shit and let his anger get the best of him. So, it was just a natural thing to do.<br/>
“Jeez, don’t talk to me like that!” Toshiya grunted, ran his fingers over his eyebrows. He hated to be played and taunted like this, especially when he found himself in an awkward situation.<br/>
“Look, if YOU have a problem with others taking care of THEIRS…” Kaoru lifted his eyebrows, ready to give his fellow musician a lecture to let others have some private moments without being an annoying prick and interrupting them.<br/>
Toshiya rolled his eyes, knew exactly where this sentence would end, muttered along with Kaoru’s lowly hissed: “… then it sounds very much like a You-Problem.”<br/>
“My god, let this man have a bit privacy!” Kaoru rolled his eyes, was ready to dismiss the bassist with a gesture and return to work. But Toshiya could be very persistent sometimes, especially if not even music would shut out those noises: “That’s been going on for about an hour already!”<br/>
Kaoru shook his head, was already looking down at the papers in front of him: “Well then, lucky for… Die.”<br/>
For a moment Kaoru bit his lip, had seen Shinya walk around just ten minutes ago with headphones in. Kyo had been chatting with Kaoru ever since Die had gotten out of the shower and left for his bunk bed. So, the only one to be causing those moans and gasps was Die. Kaoru should have known, from the sound of his voice, the duration so long that it bugged Toshiya was another point to confirm it wasn’t Kyo. The vocalist could get vocal too while getting off, but usually kept it under ten minutes, by best. It was only a matter of routine for him, he had said one time when Kaoru accidently walked in on him and Kyo hadn’t bothered much, just murmured he’d be done in half a minute and quite exactly a minute later he was dressed and a lot more relaxed again.<br/>
“Ugh… sometimes you two are the worst! Good guitarists, can’t complain on that matter…” with another annoyed sigh Toshiya stretched himself and walked back to his own bed, hoping Die would finish soon so there was a bit more comfortable silence again.<br/>
Kaoru rolled his eyes again, heard the faint footsteps echoing away under the sound of more and more gasps.<br/>
“Wait – what did you mean-“ Kaoru turned around to confront Toshiya with his statement. What he meant with ‘you two’. Kaoru tried his best to keep it short and silent, didn’t want the others to know WHEN he laid hand on himself.<br/>
<br/>
As Kaoru walked up to the front there was no one around, only the sounds of someone pleasuring himself filling the nightly hours. A chill ran down Kaoru’s spine as he heard the faint gasps and hums. For a minute he listened, like spellbound he listened, could make out when Die would slow down again to prolong the moment. If he did this for an hour already, then wow, Kaoru could only imagine how hard and tight his balls must be by now. The thought of this though, made him shiver involuntary, an ember placed itself in his stomach. Quickly he sucked in his lips, bit on them additionally to keep all sounds to himself.<br/>
Just as he leaned back, checking on his pants, he saw that the curtain at the head of the bed was a bit aside. Mere centimetres but enough so Kaoru could peek in and spot a sleep mask that apparently worked as blindfold, though it was dark anyway and the dimmed light from the corridor gave very little light. Also, Die still had his headphones in, the phone lying next to his head. ‘Rain and Thunder Ambience’ , so he had taken Kyo’s advice too, when the bus engine was too loud, when there was too much hassle around them to shut out any sounds. Kaoru couldn’t hold back the soft smile that managed to make him go back to a rather not so nice time, when both guitarists hurt each other and lost too much sleep.<br/>
Kyo had talked with Kaoru first, that the sound of something like home would have a calming effect and Kaoru had walked up to Die, who was shivering, tears running down his cheeks. He had refused to eat, to sleep, to get any rest and Kaoru had snapped at him every now and then until he was hurt too, saw no way to get this meddled situation back to normal again. He had propped himself behind Die, put the headphones over his ears and just held him, hours, both listening to the rain, dreaming of home while holding each other in a warm embrace until all tears were spent and carefully wiped or even kissed away by the leader and Die had fallen asleep in his arms.<br/>
Every now and then, Kaoru would tune in and listen to that music file he had played Die. It always brought him back to that moment, made him feel lightheaded and so far away but in some weird way, it felt a little bit like home.<br/>
<br/>
Die flinched, tossed his head away from the curtain. One hand came up, held onto the rods of the heating behind his head. As much as he loved having a fan and cooling effect on stage, he loved warmth for the night, always slept with at least two blankets, covered all up to his chin.<br/>
For another moment Kaoru waited, just waited and watched as Die’s face relaxed, the frown flattened out, his mouth falling open the slightest. He was truly beautiful, even in that intimate moment Kaoru found himself baffled at how truly stunning his fellow guitarist could look like. But, one hour and probably even longer, was not really what one would deem healthy either. If he’d –<br/>
Kaoru went back to his work place where he had put his outfit for the next day and he found a rather nice piece along with all other stuff. His nylon tights – he stretched them a bit, they were soft on the skin, flexible, wouldn’t leave any marks or hurt. With a slight shrug he took them and walked up to Die’s bunk, his heart racing so loud thinking about what he was about to do. He was glad that Die had music running and the others most likely too to shut out Die’s moans.<br/>
Carefully Kaoru slid the curtain away, saw that Die was still holding onto the rod with one hand. The other hand, he looked down on a bare body, hips arching up ever so slightly against his other hand that sloppily held his erection.<br/>
“Enough of this punishment.” Kaoru murmured, more to himself as he took the tights and Die’s hand, wrapped the nylon around his wrist quickly before he could break free or attack Kaoru in some fit of panic.<br/>
“Shhhi…!” Die wriggled, panic set in, made him try to cover up with his free hand. Tossing his head around to get the sleep mask off, only made it worse. He retreated his hand, in vain, the knot only tightened when he pulled. Before he could start shouting or screaming, Kaoru put on finger over his lips, made sure that the mask was still properly over his eyes. Pants filled the little space around him, the panic slowly dimmed down as he didn’t feel any piercing pain of some other kind of weapon against his skin. The mattress next to his body sank down a bit, he felt a thumb caressing his cheek softly. There was no way this was not one of his band mates and by best he hoped it wasn’t Kaoru and he’d get a lecture now that they all needed some sleep.<br/>
Nothing happened for a good minute, the awkward feeling of being caught though was still present, made him compose himself a bit, but didn’t much change the fact that he still was full on hard and needed release soon. Some days, it was just too enjoyable to bluntly go for a fast release.<br/>
Die’s breathing had calmed down to an almost normal pace again, so, Kaoru lifted his hand and placed his index finger right on his chest. The effect was immediate, Die gasped, turned his head to the side as if he wanted to look away shamefully. With a soft smile Kaoru ran his finger down to his belly, stopped right were the blanket was hastily draped over. Playfully Kaoru ran over the fabric with his short nails, made a low scratching noise that brought an awkward smile on Die’s lips as he tried to bite on them. His erection was totally pressing through and he couldn’t help but arch his hips against the faint touch as Kaoru ran his fingers over it again and again.<br/>
Bold like he could be sometimes, Kaoru laid his hand flat on Die’s stomach, ran over the soft skin, followed the ribs that stuck out too prominently for the older one’s liking. With his thumb he caressed his nipple, pressed down slightly. Again Die moaned, probably even louder than before. Kaoru snorted silently, let his fingers run over his shoulder, down his arm that was still free. He couldn’t ask, it was weird anyway but also somehow absolutely a turn on, that Die probably didn’t know it was him, doing this. After all, Kaoru was not the one that kissed guys when he was so drunk that he didn’t care when all he needed was a warm body and a good fuck. But he had experience with men too, knew how to touch them and also he knew of course what he liked himself too.<br/>
Cautiously Kaoru lifted Die’s still free hand up to his head, tied him up. Die seemed compromising, turned his face again as if he tried to see through the folds. Kaoru made sure they were still placed so Die couldn’t see him, wanted him to not be able to see and rather use his other senses and enjoy the touch. Just as Kaoru got on his knees to get in a better position for what he wanted to do, Die shifted, pulled on the tights as if he tried to get his hands free again. A frown accompanied the shifting of his legs, he pressed them together, wasn’t sure if he was ready for that. But Kaoru was no fool either, leaned over Die and put a quick kiss on his chest, watched out how he’d react to this. Another kiss, placed over his heart, another one on his collarbone, Kaoru had to make sure to not go too far and grant Die the chance to smell cigarette smoke. So he went down again, flicked his tongue over his nipple and got a loud moan from Die. His arms relaxed, stretched out, his mouth fell open as Kaoru licked over this sensitive spot again.<br/>
Being a bit more playful Kaoru ran his tongue over his ribs, blew over the wetted part. Goosebumps started to cover Die’s torso immediately, another sweet moan escaped his lips before he bit down on them, pressed his head into the pillow. Admission enough, Kaoru leaped forward again, sucked on the soft skin of his neck, left a little bite here and there as he wandered down his chest with his lips.<br/>
Die was practically shoving his hips up towards Kaoru, to get any touch, any kind of friction against his painfully hard erection. Kaoru though, kept taunting, kissing his hips, biting in the thin skin, sucking hard on it, knowing quite well that this would leave a mark. It was easy to cover up there, so he was sure Die wouldn’t mind this little gift. Die shifted again, kicking the blanket aside to reveal where his body needed touch and attention.<br/>
“God you truly are fucking gorgeous…” Kaoru whispered voicelessly against Die’s skin, pressed his face against his thigh before he licked over the inner part, traced down to his knee.<br/>
A too loud moan left Die’s mouth, made him flinch and stop his sloppy movements as he heard himself through his headphones.<br/>
“DIE fucking lord get it DONE!” followed from the other side of the bus, giggling came along from above them. Breathless Die chuckled, whispered empty apologies to no one. Kaoru pursed his lips, held back his own laughter at the comment of what sounded like was Kyo. To give in a bit and stop taunting Die so much, Kaoru wetted his lips, ran his tongue up his whole length and got a high pitched sigh as response.<br/>
“Oh god I can’t believe this…” Die’s murmurs brought another smile on Kaoru’s lips, but annoyed their bandmates to no end it seemed: “Yeah we ALSO can’t believe this!”<br/>
Unheard by Die, who fully gave in to the touch, sighed again as Kaoru licked over his tip, wetted his lips once again before he took in more, started sucking him gently. He wouldn’t opt for a fast or hard end, if Die was already doing that much prep before, then he’d come anyway at the slightest trigger and Kaoru wasn’t here to get this over but rather to give him the full experience. So, Kaoru kneeled between his legs, lifted one over his shoulder to get a better hold of the slightly wriggling body in front of him.<br/>
“God... yes…” another chuckling from somewhere in the bus as response that none of them really took note of. Kaoru took on the slow pace again, would take him deeper every few times, flick his tongue over the tip, careful to not be too rough but just to turn him on more and more. Every moan that left Die’s mouth was responded by a gently squeeze around his hip where Kaoru held him steady so he couldn’t move too much and basically fuck Kaoru’s mouth. That much freedom was not what the leader wanted to give his bandmate.<br/>
Again Kaoru pressed his head down, took Die deep throat, causing him to cry out in complete bliss.<br/>
“Oh my god, you need to dim it down!” Kaoru snorted voicelessly against Die’s thigh as he retreated for a second, squeezing his balls gently. That action was rather suboptimal to make Die silent: “Fuuuuck… lord…. Yes…”<br/>
A warm feeling spread through Kaoru’s stomach, made him smile stupidly at how much Die could give himself over, unconcerned about who was touching him. And it turned on Kaoru more than he wanted to admit.<br/>
As a little precum was already starting to leak, Kaoru busied his tongue and lips again, sucked carefully. The tip of his tongue ran up and down with each stroke. He hollowed his cheeks to get some more friction, saw the reaction immediately on Die’s face that tensed up, relaxed again, lips parted to let all those wonderful sighs and moans flow out, much to the dismay of the rest of the band that started a low chat on how Kaoru would get his ass wiped by tomorrow. Somewhere Kaoru heard Shinya whine, that he wouldn’t dare to go to the back of the bus and confront him about their guitarist because ‘Kaoru for sure is annoyed and angry anyway’ so there was no need to face an angry leader.<br/>
Kaoru couldn’t grin but he was glad at this moment that his usual so pissed off attitude held them back from checking on him.<br/>
“Please… please….!” Die whined as Kaoru took him fully again, tasted more and more precum already.<br/>
“Goood, what is he doooing there?” Kyo asked into the space between the beds, got a sarcastic ‘Wanna check?!’ from Toshiya back that the vocalist quickly dismissed, saying he had seen enough already, they weren’t touring for their first time after all.<br/>
It amused Kaoru to no end, turned him on, that his bandmates had no idea what he was doing, that he was the one that caused Die to tense up and relax again to his touch. Another low groan escaped Die’s lips. His leg lifted up against the ceiling of his bunk bed, tensed up so much that he trembled. Kaoru knew what would follow, took on a slightly faster pace. With every movement he took him deep, flicked his tongue over the tip. Carefully, trusting Die that he had control over this situation, Kaoru let go of his hips, felt him jerking them up immediately. But mostly Die stayed still, only lifted slightly as Kaoru was doing him good anyway.<br/>
“Ah…shhhh….” Die hissed loud, snorted and tossed his head. His moans filled the whole bus until all three of them chuckled at this so macabre situation, wishing him a good go and a good night.<br/>
At this point Kaoru closed his eyes, put his hands under Die’s butt to lift him closer, let him moan and sink into his own world of bliss. Tensing up a last time, Die let out a last high pitched cry before he let go and came in Kaoru’s mouth. Panting heavily he arched his back, lifted his hips to an incoherent rhythm, wanted to feel that heat around him some more.<br/>
Carefully Kaoru let him sink into the mattress again, swallowed down all that he got offered, licked over the tip a last time before he retreated completely. Sweat was glimmering on Die’s body, giving his blush an even more beautiful colour. The pulling on his wrists stopped and Die relaxed into his mattress, tried to get one of his earbuds off to maybe hear who it was that brought him over the edge with such heavenly touches and seemingly good experience.<br/>
For a moment Kaoru hesitated, weighed the option if he should boldly steal a kiss, but then decided against it. Maybe Die wasn’t too fond of tasting himself. So he leaned forward, listened to Die steadying his breath again. As Kaoru opened the knots, he held Die’s hands over his head, slung the tights around his neck. Pressing a shy kiss just under his jawline was enough and so Kaoru wriggled himself out of the bunk bed, hoping that none of his fellow bandmates caught him and would call him out for making that situation even worse.</p><p>Nothing, not a word, it was completely silent as Kaoru returned to the desk in the back and started to pick up where he had stopped half an hour ago. He wasn’t really in the mood to think about the songs he wanted to choose for the encore. It felt weird, right now. No one came around, maybe Die felt… used? Was freaking out and asking the others who it was? Was it wrong what he had done, even if it had felt good?<br/>
A little ember of guilt set itself deep in his throat that he tried to swallow down but only tasted Die again on his tongue.<br/>
Just as he read through the schedule of the last day of this week’s lives he heard faint footsteps coming closer, stopping with some good distance behind him.<br/>
“Hey.. you, uh, mending work?” Die stammered a bit, felt weird. Quickly he cleared his throat and walked up to Kaoru who sat concentrated over the papers. A low confirming hum left Kaoru’s lips, should have sounded dismissing enough for Die to understand that he wasn’t quite wanted here. It felt weird, what Kaoru had done and he was to some point filled with guilt but also arousal about what he had done what made him feel even more guilty and ashamed. And he feared that Die knew, he knew. As Die didn’t make any advances to leave again, Kaoru let out another hum, sounding questioning, not really wanting to talk.<br/>
“I think I’ve been a bit… loud to say.” Die cleared his throat, had to hold back grinning, feeling embarrassed.<br/>
“So, sorry for interrupting you from work with….” He took a deep breath, wasn’t 100% sure that it was Kaoru, but hell he knew it was him even if there was no beard on Kaoru’s chin to prove him right: “ with a different kind of work.”<br/>
Another hum, musing, taunting. Die rolled his eyes, opened his mouth to call Kaoru out for various reasons. One of them, for clearly stepping over a very personal border, for invading his private space, the only place in this god forsaken stupidly too small bus that only was his, for tying him up, for taking so long and knowing exactly what he wanted and needed. Hell, even for swallowing his cum he wanted to call Kaoru out. But if it wasn’t – well, that would lead to an even more embarrassing situation.<br/>
“Nice tights you got there.” Die stated then as he looked back at Kaoru who so seemingly unconcerned kept on mending his paper stuff. Immediately the pen lifted, mid-word. Die’s lips lifted the slightest at this so faint reaction. It was enough for him to know for sure.<br/>
“Thank you.” Kaoru stated, turned around on the bench to look at Die who stood there in his pyjamas, as innocent as an angel, looking relaxed as if nothing ever bothered that man. He tried playing it off, giving in and playing along: “They are quite comfortable.”<br/>
Die lifted his chin, grinned at Kaoru and said that he knew. He wouldn’t go so far to touch them, see if the fabric was still warm from the contact with his skin. No, he’d go much further. As Kaoru had turned around, Die took his chance and leaned down. Without any hesitation he pressed his lips on Kaoru’s, felt absolutely no resistance. Quickly, before that moment would be over again, Die let his tongue slip in Kaoru’s mouth and found what he had needed. Die couldn’t hold back the low moan as he tasted himself on Kaoru’s tongue, could confirm his thoughts. Before he pulled back from their kiss, he pressed another small one on Kaoru’s lips.<br/>
“I assume you haven’t given one of the others a blowjob in the past ten minutes?” Die grinned, saw Kaoru’s lips form to a smile too, eyes still closed.<br/>
“I have no intentions to do so.” Kaoru resumed, hoped that Die would understand this bit. It was no clear denial but some kind of admission.<br/>
“Then.” Die nodded, had to hold back smiling like an idiot. Maybe he really was an idiot, but hell, he was a lucky idiot! Smiling back at Kaoru with a somewhat cocky grin, he nodded: “Thank you.” he stated with an honest voice, then shrugged playfully, turned around to go back to bed again and find some sleep: “I’d like to return the favour when work’s getting the better of you again. Or… you know…?!”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Rosemary (Die/Toshiya)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(very obviously) inspired by Deftones’ song <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZcAQ0kuw1s"> Rosemary </a><br/>TW: eating disorder</p><p>Die's struggling and having a really bad day, and some days, being there for him, is all Toshiya can do.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Die…?” far off, behind some fog that seemed unbearable heavy, unmanageable to walk through. Coldness surrounded Die’s body, made him shiver involuntarily. Quietly he pressed his eyes shut, tried to focus on the voice that called for him. It was a soft sound, a deep baritone, so calm and almost warm. And Die felt so cold and lost, longed for a bit warmth.<br/>
“Where are… you?” his voice was coarse as if he had just woken up from eternal sleep. His body felt like that too, heavy and rusty, as if he hadn’t used it for years. Not even after the hardest work-outs his muscles were that sore. Not even when he’d run miles and miles on the treadmill, as if he tried running away from his problems. He was just running towards them, towards that one goal of cruel pain and destruction.<br/>
“Die, I’m here, I’m right here.” Die tried to nod, the pillow underneath his head was too hard, made it almost impossible to move even the slightest.<br/>
“Come, stay with me.” Again he heard the voice, a bit clearer this time. He had to concentrate so hard on grasping that voice, on making out where it came from. Opening his eyes to look out for the source of that soothing sound was impossible. As if he had no idea how to use his eyes even. He’d be overwhelmed by what he’d see, he feared.<br/>
So they kept sitting like this, reassuring words flowing into the space between them, warming Die up little by little.</p><p>“Where are we?” after some time had passed, Die was confident enough to use his voice again, had the urge to still his mind. He didn’t particularly care where they were, just needed reassurance that they were still there. The engine was soothing background melody to their travel, made the journey a bit more bearable. At least, they kept going, going some place, didn’t stop.<br/>
“Still on the highway, we got some time. It’s okay.”<br/>
Toshiya, he was sure it was the bassist that sat put here with him in this fog. Die wetted his lips, slowly, so slowly. Everything seemed so heavy, as if he was going underwater.<br/>
“Stay with me.”<br/>
Somewhere far away, he thought he felt a kiss pressed on his head. Maybe he was dreaming, was already somewhere far away again.</p><p>Silence spread itself between Die and the world around him. Soothing, calming, it was warm and comfortable, heavenly soft. Nothing could hurt him, even the fire in his body started to dim down, was only a little ember that burnt through the layers of his mind, left a trace of little burnt through holes. He took the damage, didn’t know how to avoid it anyway. At least, it was no wildfire that burnt him down like dry hay in summer.<br/>
At some point, the silence was filling him up, was so present and demanding that it shook him awake. With a fit of anxiety, that he was forgotten, left behind, Die opened his eyes, stared at the black ceiling above him.<br/>
Black and white, white bedsheet, black eyes, piercing through his body. Cold like a mirror at first touch.<br/>
“How… how late is it?” quickly Die pressed his eyes shut again, feared this cold so much.<br/>
“Six.”<br/>
Six was too early for Toshiya to be up, for everyone to be awake already. And six was too late for their schedule, their live would begin at seven, they had soundcheck and he didn’t even see the venue yet. Did they do all the set up without him? Did Kaoru take care of the soundcheck for his guitar?<br/>
“What?” maybe his hearing was as bad as his sight by now. Maybe he started to lose all his senses. He wouldn’t dare to even be angry, why, when he himself was responsible for that misery.<br/>
“It’s Thursday.”</p><p>Do fish feel wet, when they are born in water, when it is their natural surrounding? Do they feel “dryness” when they are tossed out on land?<br/>
Was he dreaming? Was he so completely out of tune like his guitar when he hadn’t yet tuned the strings?<br/>
What year was it and why was it Thursday when their live was scheduled for Wednesday? Was he asleep and dreaming that the past days were not really happening?<br/>
Panic ignited the ember, a flame started to burn through and through, flickered up to a fire that swallowed him whole, filled him with unbearable heat.<br/>
He was burning down, that he was sure of. And all Die felt able to do was to scream and shout for help as the fog was still so heavy in his mind.</p><p> </p><p>The next thing Die remembered, was that he stared into too bright lights. All fog was gone, only sweet water washed his limbs, made him feel light and like under a heavy blanket.<br/>
Save.<br/>
Toshiya sat next to him, his eyes wandered up and down Die’s body, followed the places his hand wandered with a soft cloth.<br/>
“You’re all heated up…”<br/>
It was so silent, only the breaths of two people, hands entangling in water, filled the bathroom. Die almost didn’t dare to ask, how late it was, feared that the answer would be “too late”.<br/>
It was too late already. There was no way to return again. He had taken that plane, a one way ticket straight into his personal hell. The undertow took Toshiya with him, inevitably. Like gravitation, he was too close, was too close around Die no matter how much Die had tried to shove him away, to scare him off be it with shouting, silencing, ignoring or blaming and insulting him.<br/>
“Two, Kaoru’s doing the soundcheck with the others now. We can do it later… if you feel up to…”<br/>
If, when, maybe, or not, your choice – always Die’s choice, always his option, always in his hands and he was so scared to choose the wrong thing, to make a decision. So he rather not make a decision, decided against it all in the end.<br/>
A loud sob broke their once again settled silence. Tears mixed into the bath water as soon as Die’s hands shot up to hide this ugly grimace his face turned into whenever his emotions got the best of him. Lately, no smile adorned his lips, anger and pain made his feature seem cold and hard.<br/>
“I’m scared.” Between all those accusations and insults, Die was scared and lost.<br/>
“I’m scared too.” Toshiya hands took hold of Die’s hands, put them back under the warm water as they were ice cold. His fingers folded around Die’s, hid the dark blue-ish nails from his unforgiving eyes. He’d feel it anyway.<br/>
“Help me.” Die pressed his eyes close, felt the fire roaring up in him, screaming at him that he didn’t deserve this, that he should burn down with that flame that he ignited. He was responsible for his misery, didn’t deserve any help when all he had done the past months was shove those away that offered him help so selflessly. And Die had not only been ungrateful, he questioned their friendship, his relationship, he questioned their honesty, Toshiya’s honesty and his feelings, and he hated them.<br/>
“Then stay with me Die.” Toshiya’s hand cupped Die, softer and gentler than it had been lately. Immediately, with the rest of his little confidence and common sense, Die’s arms shot up and he slung them around Toshiya’s neck, buried his face against his shoulder.<br/>
“Please help me!” Die’s voice overturned, was a helpless whisper against Toshiya’s shoulder and as he felt the bassist squeezing him tighter, holding him without the intention to let go, Die gave in and let his feeling wash over his body as the water washed over him. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks, made him choke and shiver, drained him from all energies that he usually had used up to punish and hurt himself.<br/>
“I’m right here…” Toshiya patted Die’s back, ran one hand over his head and back. He was so thin, so unbearable thin, that Toshiya felt every bone of his spine, every rib when another sob crept up his throat and made him shiver.<br/>
“I can’t save you from this storm… but know, I’m here, I’m right here.” Toshiya whispered, pressed his eyes shut and hoped, prayed with all his might that Die would take his hand and hold onto it.</p><p> </p><p>Die sat put in the small kitchen of the venue, felt already a bit better after that hot bath and in fresh clothes. Some hot tea was standing in front of him on which he heated up his fingers, watched Toshiya carefully as he took two bowls, filled them with some of the food they got provided with.<br/>
Even if Die was more than suspicious what was in there and he already had various excuses prepared to just not put something in his mouth, he didn’t want to. He was too tired to keep this fight going. He didn’t want to fight anymore.<br/>
“What you can manage, and one spoonful more, deal?” Toshiya stated, put the bowls on the table and sat down next to Die. Die nodded, felt a bit like a little child, stupid and helpless, as if he didn’t know how to take proper care of himself. He knew too good how to take care and also how to take away this care, deny himself proper nutrition.<br/>
Slowly he lifted the first spoon up to his mouth, blew on the curry. It was plain rice and curry sauce, some vegetables. Toshiya did know him too well, had seen all those bad sides of Die. Carefully he lifted a second spoon, chewed on it and gulped down this unfamiliar taste. After Die had managed to somehow shove down half of the bowl he wondered how much time had already passed, how fast he was eating, if it was too fast. Did he eat so much already? He didn’t feel full at all, could have easily downed three more bowl of that curry and god, the taste was fantastic! For a moment Die pressed his eyes shut, tasted ginger and coconut on his tongue, he tasted something. It wasn’t just plain dull rice that he allowed himself most days. No, there were chickpeas in the curry, and ginger, and sesame seeds, and there was lemon grass and other things he hadn’t allowed himself for too long. Even if it tasted so good, it felt so good to finally give in and allow himself to taste, to indulge on food, he was scared of this new feeling. Did he really deserve this? What if he couldn’t stop eating and would gain again?<br/>
“I-I can’t do this!” panic made him retreat, put the bowl on the table with a too loud clank. Immediately Toshiya put his bowl aside, looked over to Die who was shaking, regretting what he had done. Mistakes, mistakes, he didn’t deserve this, hadn’t worked for this, he wouldn’t need so much!<br/>
“Hey, hey… you’ve done amazing! It’s okay… it’s okay.” Toshiya shushed him softly, put a hand on Die’s thigh to rip him out of the spiral he so suddenly went down.<br/>
“This is all so… so much and so scary!” Die hissed, pressed his hands flat onto his eyes to block out the food in front of him. Maybe it helped to forget that he had just put this stuff in his mouth and swallowed it.<br/>
“I know that it scares you.” Toshiya replied, leaned back a bit on the bench to pull Die in a gentle hug. It was all he could do most days, if Die even wanted to be touched by someone else. Toshiya didn’t understand much of this all, didn’t even want to understand what made Die turn on himself in such a painful and humiliating way. But one thing he knew for sure, he loved him, and he’d always love him.<br/>
“When will this get… easier!?” Die groaned, leaned into the hug and ignored the uncomfortable feeling that spread from his body. It was a mix of something unfamiliar that he had put in his stomach, something warm and spicy, with oil and other ingredients, and that unfamiliar feeling of allowing himself to keep food down in an amount that was a tad bit too much.<br/>
Toshiya huffed out amused, put a kiss on Die’s head: “When you start forgiving yourself that you let yourself get hurt by comments of strangers out there. Your body is none of their business.”<br/>
For some more minutes Die just sat there, felt Toshiya’s warm hands running down his arms and back, felt save for once in a long time because he knew he could be vulnerable with him. Just for a little longer, he didn’t want to be hurt and angry and fierce, but soft and in need. And he found, this was okay too, he was okay.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Hooker with a Penis (I.) (Kaoru/Die)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Die loses a bet and Toshiya makes him dress up for a casual night out in a club while on tour. Things take a turn when they all hit the dance floor and the leader himself joins too.<br/>(yes, there'll be a second part)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kyo couldn’t for the sake of it wrap his head around what Die was about to do. And what he had done already. That the guitarist was so easily intrigued and pissed off, ready to prove everyone wrong that he head-first said yes to this so stupid bet. Of course, he’d lose, and he lost not only that bet but also a bit of his dignity.<br/>Shamefully Die glared into the little mirror, traced over the contour of his lip once more with the lipstick he had borrow from Kyo. Kyo watched his every move, had helped him with the eyeliner as smokey-eyes seemed no option for tonight.<br/>“Ready?” Toshiya snickered and came around the corner, watched Die with a smug grin on his lips.<br/>“Jeez Totchi, stop being a dick already!” Kyo whined, took the lipstick from Die’s fingers as he was fidgeting too much and was unexperienced with putting it on precisely. Also, it was some kind of 24 hours-stay-on brand stuff, so he feared making a mistake and ruining his look for the next 24 hours. A last time Die watched himself in the mirror, a cold shudder running down his spine as he felt Kyo’s warm fingers around his chin, the other hand occupying itself with the make up.<br/>“Better…” Kyo sighed and stored the few things away in his make up bag.<br/>“If I wouldn’t know better….!” Toshiya fluted, turned away quickly and resumed to his place on the bench. From a few metres distance he dared to let his eyes wander over Die’s body, those too long legs in delicate stocking, some lace showing around his upper thigh as he turned around abruptly to give the bassist an angry shot: “Stop staring like that!”<br/>“I don’t wanna say it but you really do look – “ Toshiya snickered, wanted to let Die know that he really did look hot in that outfit, but he got interrupted by the older with a lowly hissed: “Then don’t say it!”<br/>Kyo arched his eyebrows and mended his shirt, was ready to leave for the club. Kaoru and Shinya were already there and it was probably for the better that their leader had started drinking already before they even left the bus. If he’d see Die dressed like this… oh he’d so scold him and tell him off. They hadn’t done any dressing up or crazy styling for the past years, wanted to opt for something else and with their present style and image it seemed to work quite well. None of them wanted to destroy the reputation they had. But of course, when Toshiya had said his bet, that he would finish a glass of beer and manage three laps around the bus without falling down faster than Die, the guitarist took on the challenge and grandly lost, saying the floor was wet and he was running in flip flops. That moment would have been enough already for Kaoru to flip them off if he hadn’t been at the venue.<br/>So, Shinya had come along, had gotten Die an outfit that they had deemed humiliating enough. But only until they saw how GOOD Die actually looked in it. The silky fabric was flowing over his narrow hips, ended in a seamless hem shortly after his butt, long enough though to hide a bit of the lace pattern of the tights. It was a sleek black dress with thin straps, didn’t really look that fancy or had any applications or prints, but this kind of simplicity was what gave the look some unpretentious elegance. By best, it even underlined Die’s trained body, accentuated his silhouette.<br/>The high heels Shinya had found were fitting quite well too, were simple and not distracting from the rest. To give him a bit more fabric to cover up, Kyo had found a nice lacey cardigan that ended along the hem of the dress and was cut like a kimono.<br/>Toshiya held open a large and more opulent coat, knit-wear as it was a cold November night and they weren’t too keen on pissing Kaoru off even more than they already did. Every tour was the same actually, someone catching a cold, mostly Die AND Kyo. Die for running around dressed too flimsy and not bothering to take a jacket or coat because ‘we only go from the bus to the club and back again, I don’t need anything for those few metres’ just as it was tonight too.<br/>“Will you stop staring now!” Die hissed once more, wriggled himself into the coat and overlapped the front over his chest, felt exposed and vulnerable, absolutely not like the confident party animal he usually was.<br/>“Your nipples show, just saying.” Toshiya gave him a cocky grin, got up himself too. Die fumed, turned away and stomped over to the door of the bus, ready to get this show done. One hour in a bar dressed like some hooker, if he’d known that Toshiya and Shinya would dress him up… ugh, Die shook his head, couldn’t believe his own stupid ass for saying yes to that bet.<br/>“It’s COLD.” Die grumbled, stomped back again to pick up the little bag Kyo held in front of him with Die’s phone and some money.<br/>“Die, stop walking like some twat. Relax your shoulders and hips a bit!” Kyo whined as he watched Die stomping back up to the front again.<br/>“I hate you guys so much for this.” He just shook his head as he rather ungracefully jumped down the two stairs from the bus and waited for Toshiya and Kyo to follow him.</p><p>As they arrived in front of the club Toshiya held Die back a last time, pulled out a pair of sleek black leather gloves, short ones but enough to cover up his snake tattoo: “We don’t want anyone to recognise you or get you in troubles, yeah?”<br/>Die rolled his eyes again, felt the mascara unfamiliar heavy on his lashes, but he thanked his band mate. At least they granted him a bit decency. With that, they entered the club, quite separately as Die stayed out for another hot minute to smoke a cigarette he could scrounge from one of the doormen. Even though he had stopped smoking some years ago, from time to time he’d scrounge one when they were out drinking, or bluntly took one from Kaoru’s pack.<br/>Kyo and Toshiya made their way to the bar to get some drinks and while Toshiya ordered Kyo looked out for their fellow band mates, found them sitting quietly in a smaller booth, chatting comfortably. With a nod over to Shinya who had also let his eyes wander around the club, searching for the others, Kyo and Toshiya walked up to them, excused them for their late arrival.<br/>“Was Die holding you up so long?!” Kaoru snickered, took a big gulp from his beer. He hadn’t seen his fellow guitarist but he was sure, he’d find his way up to their booth anyway in some time, probably accompanied by some stranger that was tagging along, hoping for a warm night and some release.<br/>Quickly Kyo looked away, as if he was looking out for Die in the masses of the dancing people in the club. Toshiya cleared his throat, held onto his bottle of beer as if it would save him from drowning: “Guess he had a hard time… figuring out his... uh, outfit for tonight!”<br/>Kaoru couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he snorted: “Whom does he want to impress anyway tonight?”<br/>With that he lifted his own bottle, took another big gulp. They wouldn’t stay long tonight as they’d hit the road anyway in about an hour and until then he wanted to relax and enjoy some drinks. He already felt the alcohol doing him good, enforcing every sound and feeling, heating up his body and cheeks.<br/>And, as someone very well dressed entered the club, wearing a thin dress, showing too much skin, the hair draped sloppily to the side, Kaoru felt heat in some other regions too.<br/>“Oh gOD!” Shinya spit out voicelessly as he turned to Kyo, spotting the dress on some very thin and trained and oh so familiar body.<br/>“What have you DONE!” he whispered into Kyo’s ear as he felt shifting next to him, Kaoru obviously crossing his legs and leaning back on the bench.<br/>“A mistake! Clearly a mistake!” Kyo shot back as he dared to look over to Toshiya who seemingly had to hide his own blush, not expecting Die to open his hair again and to put off the cardigan and just GO for it.<br/>“Alright! Drinks? Kaoru, another beer?” Shinya got up from his place, needed to go and have a word with Die. This wasn’t going to end well, for anyone of them.<br/>“Ah, thanks!” Kaoru nodded with a soft smile, but there was something else in his eyes, something dark that Shinya hadn’t seen for quite some time. Years maybe even.<br/>Quickly Shinya made his line to the bar, bumped not so softly against Die’s foot: “He has an eye on you, just a fair warning.”<br/>An amused grin made it on Die’s lips, the dark red lipstick making his white teeth pop out even more. Some guys around them turned around, let their eyes wander over Die’s body, undressing him with their looks only.<br/>“Well, wasn’t that part of the lost bet? To make EVERY man turn his head after me?!” Die moaned, spotted his band mates, one of them completely unsuspecting.<br/>“You’re going back to the bus alone!” Shinya gave him a teaching look, almost as cold and unarguable as Kaoru’s. Die shook his head slightly, felt more and more confident with this look. Hell, men AND women were turning their heads to him, be it in a fit of arousal or jealousy, he didn’t care. He fucking OWNED this look and he knew.<br/>“Bet!” Die snorted as his order was placed in front of him. One vodka shot for some confidence and a beer to keep his high. Not awaiting an answer, he took the shot glass and got it down in one go, earned some more looks from the men around him.<br/>“No thanks.” Shinya said, took a few bottles of beer, put the money on the counter and gave Die a last glance: “I rather spare you the humiliation of losing another bet.”</p><p>Die didn’t have to wait long, just as he was through half of the beer some men chatted him up, flirted with him and he flirted back, casually. From time to time he’d let his eyes wander back to the booth where the others sat put, watching the people dancing, partying, chatting, coming and going, none of them doing anything. Shrugging it off, Die was happy that at least he was having some fun, even if he felt a bit guilty that he deceived those men with his looks and got paid some more drinks. He wouldn’t leave with them anyway, not even behind the club or in a stall for a quickie. He just wasn’t up for that tonight and it was much more fun to play the game instead of winning it.<br/>Having a good go and feeling fancy, Die made it to the dance floor, moved his body to the beat. Every now and then he’d feel a curious hand flowing over his body, touching his shoulder, squeezing his butt, an arm giving him some stability as he’d bend his knees only to whip his hair and go up again, jump to the beat. It was an upbeat song that Die knew, had in his shower-playlist for when he was feeling really good. It was such a happy song that he started to giggle, fully enjoying that moment, singing along, wrong though as he didn’t know the lyrics and it was an English song. Just as this one was over and another more upbeat song blurted through the speaker Die spotted Toshiya dragging Kyo on the dance floor, silently nodding over to Die to check if things were still in the okay range of the evening. They were all watching over him, saw how much he drank, got invited to. Ready to drag him out of the club and back to their bus if things would go out of hand. Though, it truly was funny and relieving to see Die have so much fun after some rather exhausting lives and the few sunny hours they had of the days.<br/>At some point Shinya joined them, hoping it would motivate Kaoru enough to also tag along. Their usually so laid back and reclusive leader seemed to enjoy the show from afar, but that wasn’t good enough. Not, that they wanted to set their guitarists up with each other, but Kyo and Toshiya had clearly seen something spark up in Kaoru’s eyes when he had spotted Die enter that club.<br/>With a loud whistle Toshiya waved Kaoru over and as some people turned around, looking at Kaoru, he rolled his eyes and got up from the bench, didn’t want to come around as party pooper.<br/>Kaoru, as humble and awkward he could be, but having downed enough to ignore the looks the strangers gave them, tried to move to the beat, giggled at how freely Toshiya and even Shinya danced to the music. Kyo was lost in his own world, turned and twirled to the sounds as if he’d give his all on stage, ignored all others around him. But, much to all their pleasing, it was Die who stole the show that Kyo usually owned.<br/>As Kaoru saw another man putting his arm around Die, Die seemingly unpleased and trying to break free from the contact, Kaoru stepped in, was close enough to the dancing pair.<br/>“I think this is a bit inappropriate, hmm?!” Kaoru spoke up with a demanding voice, shook off the hand from Die’s waist. And Die, lost and scared like a puppy, could only offer him a thankful smile, heat flashing over his cheeks, tainting them even through the make up he wore. Another bit wiggly step, maybe the two shots in between were a tad bit too much, Die leaped forward, practically fell into Kaoru’s arms. With one hand he supported himself on Kaoru’s shoulder, felt his arm around his waist and on his back immediately.<br/>“Thank you!” Die fluted with the softest voice he could evince to not show his true colours. Kaoru snorted, shifted slightly to stand more towards Die as he moved him to the music again, trying to see if he was a smooth flirter: “Quite a delicate outfit… hadn’t expected to see someone looking that good here tonight.”<br/>Die giggled, felt too much heat flushing his whole body. Even if he was grateful and felt good about that comment, especially because it came from Kaoru who never flirted or said any form of compliment. But also, it WAS Kaoru and Die wasn’t sure if he knew. So, he tried again, ran his fingers over his chest, thumb playfully tracing over the bat tattoo: “Can only give this back.”<br/>A hot shudder ran down Kaoru’s spine as he felt no resistance, even when he pulled him closer, moved their bodies, let his hand wander from the back to his side and held his hip.<br/>“How far do those tattoos go up behind this shirt?” Die asked, leaned forward as the music was loud. Close, too close. Kaoru gulped hard, felt the sweet alcohol drenched breath against his neck for a second only to feel a hot tongue running over his tattoo the next second.<br/>“Quite… a bit, over the arms… “ Kaoru gasped for air, felt lips sucking on his neck, up to his jawline. The music was forgotten, the evening was forgotten, the lives were forgotten, all he felt was unbearable heat in his core and those soft lips against his skin and, on his own lips. Lowly he moaned into the kiss, tasted beer and some sugary soda as a too hot tongue licked over his own.<br/>Die drew back, grinned sheepishly. He had never in his life expected he could go SO far tonight. Or any other night. Kaoru wasn’t into guys? He wasn’t into anyone or anything at all but work it seemed. The last thing they had ever heard about Kaoru seeing someone or having a date was a decade ago and only a one time mentioned thing as they went on tour a week later.<br/>“That was your chance to say ‘wanna go and find out’ you know?” Die grinned against Kaoru’s lips, kissed them once more to make him not say anything stupid or retreat. Kaoru let his hands wander over Die’s sides, push him closer gently before he broke their kiss: “I hope you can forgive me for missing on THAT chance.”<br/>Again he kissed him, more forcefully, more playfully. Die moaned against his lips, let himself sink against Kaoru’s chest, fully enjoying this unexpected encounter.<br/>“I’m not that much of a flirter, but … I can do quite better things with my mouth than talk.” Kaoru groaned into Die’s ears as he retreated again, moved them slightly as he heard chuckling and whistles from behind him.<br/>“Holy fuck…!” Die had to bite his lip and keep composing himself before he’d walk out with a very painful erection lifting his too short dress. Kaoru’s fingers already did good on sliding up and down his thigh, wandering off to his butt, squeezing tentatively.<br/>“I wouldn’t call it holy what I’m about to do with you…” Kaoru grinned, pulled slightly to see if he could go with that. He was ready to leave, felt heat and sweet pain between his legs for too long already. The alcohol wasn’t very useful on that matter and that hot body pressing against him made everything worse.<br/>And so much better. The leather-stuck fingers grabbed tightly on Kaoru’s wrists, pulled him forward to the entry where he had left his coat and that too prude cardigan at the club’s coatroom. Kaoru’s hand twisted, freed itself from the tight grip but only to intertwine their fingers, pull on Die to go.<br/>To go before one of them would back out of this because Kaoru knew if he hadn’t gotten one more beer he’d just shaken his head and left when Toshiya had so suggestively waved at him to join the dance floor.<br/>“So, your place it is?!” Die taunted as they walked around the club and towards the parking lots. Kaoru rolled his eyes, turned around to let them wander over Die’s body before he’d speak up. He looked truly stunning and whatever devil rode his bandmate to dress up like that, he could not complain a bit.<br/>“Ours, I’d rather say.” With a too forceful pull, Kaoru turned around again. They had arrived at the bus already as it parked right next to the club. Before Die could object or counter in any way, Kaoru pressed his body against the cold metal of the bus, closed their lips immediately. For a second Die froze up and only waited for some kind of mockery, a lecture or whatever fit the leader had prepared already, but nothing of that broke their kiss. Moaning against Kaoru’s lips again, Die held onto his shoulders, was grateful that he pressed him against the bus because everything around him was swaying and he felt dizzy and lightheaded and the longer Kaoru kept kissing him, let their tongues dance on their own accord, the more Die felt like losing his mind. Sneaky Kaoru let his hand flow down Die’s side, placed itself on Die’s butt cheek, squeezed gently to see if he’d back out. Again, no resistance, no desire to stop this right here and there but a mutual desire to see how far things could go on. So, Kaoru broke their kiss to pull out the keys for the bus and get in. A make out session on a cold November night wasn’t a really good idea.<br/>“But,.. “ Kaoru said, opened the door to let Die enter first: “… I suppose MY place doesn’t sound too bad. No risk of getting caught.”<br/>Die kicked off his shoes, let the coat and cardigan fall down on the floor, got out of the leather gloves finally.<br/>“So we’re really doing this?” Die asked with some sort of grin on his lips. He wouldn’t back out of this now if Kaoru was in for it too, but he also knew it was a game of confidence and who’d call it off first. And Die was for sure not the one to call off first, not when he finally had that one chance he wanted for so long.<br/>“Don’t play pretend.” Kaoru groaned, walked up to Die. With a firm grip he cupped Die’s cheeks, kissed him hungrily. Not even hiding how much he longed for touch, release, closeness, Kaoru pressed his hips against Die’s, let him feel how hard he was already.<br/>“I’ve known from the second you entered that club that it was you, - “ Kaoru let his tongue run over Die’s lips, tugged on his hair, pulled more and more moans from his mouth.<br/>“Die.”<br/>There was something about the way Kaoru said his name, rolled it over his tongue, a breath against his neck, that made Die shudder involuntary, sink further into Kaoru’s arms. Lowly he groaned some curses until he felt composed enough to gesture at the ladder up to Kaoru’s bunk bed.<br/>“You first!” Kaoru grinned as he saw some lacey tights and was curious if Die went the full way. And he did. Spotting some nice underwear Kaoru just shook his head and bit his lip before he asked if it was Shinya who had chosen that outfit.<br/>“He has a good eye for what fits me, huh?” Die grinned back tentatively. He laid on his back, legs bent though his knees still together to not look too wanting, vulgar. He wanted to play this through, wanted to own this look until the last moment. Biting down on his lower lip he let one hand run down from his knee up to his hip, revealed the lace parts of the tights and also the perfectly fitting underwear. It wasn’t just some silky pants – ‘women wear bras’ – it was a simple velvety bodice as there wasn’t really anything to hold in a bra, the straps at the same place as the ones of the dress and if Kaoru wouldn’t know better, then he’d believe Die would wear such things every day.<br/>“Guess I should thank him, holy fucking lord…!” Kaoru drowned at what he was allowed to see. Carefully he ran his hands from Die’s knees up to his hips, sat on his heels next to him. Leaning forward to press a soft kiss on Die’s chest, Kaoru murmured: “You look fucking gorgeous in that, you know?”<br/>Low giggling followed, Die huffed out some air, let his fingers run through his hair as Kaoru placed more and more kisses on his body until he came to a halt at the waistband of the tights.<br/>“It’s… “ Die wetted his lips, was at loss for words. Was Kaoru that drunk, that he threw compliments around like picks during their shows?<br/>“I guess it’s odd to hear a compliment from you.” Die stated honestly, shifted his hips up as Kaoru pulled on the tights, rolled them down his legs, placed more and more kisses on the finally freed skin.<br/>“I wasn’t lying when I said I’m not the greatest flirter.” Kaoru whispered against Die’s thigh, occupied his hands with taunting him, running his fingertips over Die’s erection that pressed against his lower stomach in the bodice. Two small snaps on the underside, opened with experienced fingers and Die let out a moan as his erection was finally freed from the restricting fabric. Kaoru gave him some slow pumps, drew sweet moans from Die’s lips.<br/>“And about my mouth…” he let the sentence end, let Die find out himself as he licked over the tip, sucked softly before he pulled back, wetted his lips and took him in fully.<br/>Die couldn’t, didn’t even WANT to hold back the loud moan that crept up. Cursing, sighing Kaoru’s name, panting heavily, Die wriggled underneath him, pressed his hands flat on his face as he felt a storm building up in his stomach.<br/>“Kao.. wait, wait!” Die retreated with his legs, pulled them closer to his body so Kaoru couldn’t finish what he had started. He didn’t want him to suck him off like that and go to bed unsatisfied: “We should also take care of your needs before I’ll go and lose myself all over this place.”<br/>Even if Die had drunken too much probably, he somehow managed to get in an upright sitting position, started unbuttoning Kaoru’s shirt. Placing some kisses on the outlines of these so familiar tattoos Die pushed the shirt over his shoulder, nudged his cheek against Kaoru’s neck. He had always loved those tattoos, couldn’t for the sake of it understand how he could sit through such painful sessions. His little snake tattoo, something he shared with the other guitarist, was painful enough to keep it only to that one. It was their little reminder that they were two guitarists in one band, both their own musician, an equal part to the band. Now, it was more than interesting to watch the tattoo vanish as his hand slipped into Kaoru’s jeans to taunt him some more. If Kaoru was deemed as the great taunter, Die was no less good in making him moan to the touches. Die knelt down in front of him, retreated his hand: “Get out of those jeans!”<br/>Hastily Kaoru composed himself, opened the belt and the buttons of the jeans, pushed them down as he watched Die sliding out of the dress and bodice in one go, tossing them to the side.<br/>As soon as Kaoru also got his socks off Die was already slinging his arms around his neck, drawing him in a long kiss, no tongue though. It felt rather intimate, innocent even. They both enjoyed the way their bodies heated up, their skin felt against each other, was so different but still so smooth. Die let one hand run up Kaoru’s neck, tugging on some hair between his fingers. It was soft, felt too good in his hand. Carefully, swaying a bit, Die opened his legs, lifted one knee slightly to bump it against Kaoru’s thigh. Sitting back on his heels again, Die let his tongue run sleek down Kaoru’s chest. He left some bites here and there, got faint gasps as response. Just as he leaned further down, wanting to take in Kaoru’s erection, the older one cupped his cheek, made Die look up.<br/>“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Kaoru whispered, knew well enough that not everyone liked it. Die just snorted, pressed a peck on Kaoru’s palm before he peeled his hand off and placed it on the back of his head: “Do you want me to miss out on this chance?”<br/>“Shiiiit….” Kaoru couldn’t stop staring down. The dark red lipstick made Die’s lips pop out even in the darkness and Kaoru was torn between closing his eyes to fully enjoy this but also to watch Die’s head bobbing.<br/>“Fuck… holy fuck….!” Kaoru cursed, jerked his hips back. With a plopping sound Die’s lips let go and he laughed for a second, wiped over the corner of his mouth to get off excess saliva and some precum that he had already tasted.<br/>“You don’t have some lube here?” Die asked, kept sat in his kneeling position. Kaoru hummed dissatisfied, denied. For a moment Die bit his lip, hadn’t got any here either as he never thought to have a chance for a fuck anyway while on tour.<br/>But then again – Die nodded, more to himself than to Kaoru: “Come here.” Gathering some more saliva Die ran his tongue over Kaoru’s length, nodded approvingly, again to himself. That should do the thing, also, Die was quite sure that Kaoru wasn’t someone who’d fuck the living shit out of him. At least not for a first time, he was sure too that he COULD do so, but in a more settled and safe surrounding and probably after some longer experience together and knowing where the limits of each other were.<br/>“Okay. I trust you that you won’t hurt me.“ Die whispered, turned around and got on his knees again, placing a pillow in front of his chest if he’d slip forward.<br/>“Hey, no, no!” Kaoru hissed, pushed Die’s hips down and turned him around again, made him lay down again. Frowning at Die’s, bluntly said stupid, suggestion, Kaoru lifted both his legs up to his neck, rubbed his thighs gently before he pulled him closer. A surprised gasp came over Die’s lips as he felt the shift and then Kaoru’s erection pressing hot against his butt.<br/>“You may trust me but we both had probably a bit too much and I want to see your face if I really don’t hurt you.” Kaoru explained, let his hand run up and down a last time before he settled them on Die’s hips, waited for some kind of response.<br/>“Relax…” Die nodded, closed his eyes and waited for how Kaoru would proceed. Slowly Kaoru started to stroke him off, let his hand run up and down his whole length until he heard Die moaning again, relaxing and tensing up to the touch. Placing a quick kiss on his leg Kaoru shifted back, let go with one hand. Coating two fingers with his own spit Kaoru huffed out, pressed one against Die’s entry, waited how he’d react. A low grumble came as response, Die shoved himself against the finger, frowned and stretched his neck, eyes still closed.<br/>“Okay?” Kaoru asked, got a silent plead for more immediately. With a soft smile Kaoru added a second finger, stretched him slowly while still stroking him. Just enough to pleasure him, not to make him cum.<br/>“Please… I need you… in me.” Die bit his lips as those so needy words came over his lips. He could hold back his gasp and that stupid smile as he felt Kaoru’s fingers retreating, knowing quite well that he’d feel something much better in a second.<br/>For a second Die frowned, tensed up from the pain, panted it away as best as he could. Even if he had taken him in his mouth just a few minutes ago, he hadn’t taken in account how differently he’d fill him in comparison to two fingers. Holding out his hand for touch, Die tossed his head, composed himself as good as he could. Kaoru leaned forward slightly, squeezed Die’s hand: “I’m here, all good.”<br/>Die’s pants dimmed down and he started swaying his hips slowly against Kaoru who just waited for any sign if he should proceed or they rather call it a night. Lowly both men hummed, found a better pace until Kaoru was gently thrusting in, one hand still occupying Die’s erection.<br/>“This is so fucking good!” Die hissed and laughed the next second, made Kaoru laugh too. Never had he thought he’d find himself in THIS situation, especially not with Die. Kaoru had always thought he’d one day walk in on Die and Toshiya doing this, or Die and Kyo. And hell, if their band mates would now walk in on them – eh, Kaoru was the leader, he would just send them off.<br/>“You’re amazing.” Die whispered between careful thrusts and too sweet touches. He knew he’d come any time given if Kaoru would say anything, move his hand differently. Their make out session in the club was already enough to get him fully hard and everything ever since felt too good to be real.<br/>Another appreciative compliment left Die’s lips along with some more moans that mixed with Kaoru’s low hums. Just as Die set on with more affirmative words Kaoru thrusted in harder, made Die choke on his words for some seconds. A frown built on Kaoru’s face, eyes pressed shut. He took on a faster pace, slammed his hips against Die’s butt, grinding so deep that Die thought he’d lose his mind.<br/>“God, fuck… Kaooo…” Die moaned loudly, tossed his head back and grabbed for the pillow and the bedlinen, anything to hold onto. One hand placed itself on Die’s stomach, the thrusts got even harder, unrelenting and still absolutely pleasuring.<br/>Die felt a hot stream of air on his stomach, looked up to see Kaoru’s face. He seemed unrelaxed, fully concentrated. Softly Die laid his hand over Kaoru’s, his fingertips lifted immediately to intertwine with Die’s hand. Kaoru seemed close to hitting the edge and the harder and deeper his strokes got the closer Die came to his own orgasm.<br/>“I’m close, I’ll be…” Die stopped midsentence as he saw Kaoru nodding, squeezing his hand gently. Die shut his eyes close, clenched his legs around Kaoru’s neck slightly more to not let him go anywhere. He wanted him, everything: “Fill me up, please.”<br/>This so faintly gasped admission was enough for Kaoru to let go of holding back. One last time he sped up, ground into Die from a bit of a different angle and got immediate response. Die tensed up, legs shifting against him, pulling and then pushing, hips rocking against Kaoru as Die spilled himself heedlessly. All those sweet moans, the contracting muscles around his erection, seeing Die’s cum right in front of him made Kaoru hit the edge with the next thrust.<br/>Blissful, Kaoru felt the air around his body slowly cooling down as he rode out his orgasm with some sloppy moves. Die panted underneath him, relaxed and as Kaoru stilled, Die wetted his lips and laid his head on one arm, looked back at Kaoru. Offering the younger one a satisfied smile, Kaoru pulled out slowly, watched Die carefully if he really wasn’t hurting him or anything.<br/>“That was wonderful.” Die all but smiled, hadn’t felt that kind of bliss and salvation for months, maybe years. Kaoru responded again wordlessly with a soft smile, closed his eyes and then sat back on his heels, took a deep breath: “Shower?”</p><p>It was still silent in the bus, so the others were still at the club. Or outside peeping? Kaoru hadn’t locked the bus door, it was cold and would be cruel actually to let them wait outside, especially for Kyo who needed to take care of his vocal chords.<br/>“Eh, you want me gone so quickly…!” Die snorted, took it with a laugh and got up himself, collected his pieces in the darkness. Kaoru grumbled, wasn’t really a fan of after sex cuddling, especially not when they both were drenched in sweat, smelled of alcohol and cigarettes and weren’t quite to say, the cleanest. Kaoru had experienced too many mornings where he woke up with his own cum sticking on his body and hand after falling asleep directly after wanking off and it wasn’t really what he wanted to wake up to the next day.<br/>“I rather prefer to fall asleep all cleaned up.” Kaoru stated. Also, did Die want to stay here the night? Was it weird or was it just a friendly encounter?<br/>“Sure, then, let’s catch the shower.” Die nodded once again, felt weirdly cold as he crawled down the ladder and tip toed over to the bathroom. Just as he was about to close the door behind him, Kaoru slipped in, gave Die a weird kind of frown. Die arched an eyebrow, but didn’t question and so he followed him into the shower cubicle.<br/>Quickly Kaoru got himself all washed and soaped up, put Die under the shower stream and put soap on him too, massaged his shoulders gently, washed off the soap and put the showerhead up again to get Die’s hair done too. From there on Die took over for himself, slathered conditioner in his lengths. As he let the stream run over his face to wash off the sweat and greasy make up Die suddenly stopped and listened, wiped over his face and turned around to Kaoru who had started to brush his teeth. In the shower. An adult. Their leader. The man who just fucked him a few minutes ago.<br/>“Seriously?!” Die hissed silently and then burst into laughter as Kaoru gave him a tired shrug, said that he was already at it, spared time and water.<br/>“Jeez… hand me mine then please.” Die grinned and started to brush his teeth too, watched Kaoru enjoy standing under the warm water stream. He looked so much more relaxed now, so soft. Die held back caressing Kaoru’s cheek, resting his hand on his shoulder. The rather distant composure he had gotten before left him feeling a bit uneasy as how to proceed. Kaoru was a practical one, worked as efficient as possible. So taking a shower together was probably also just to spare time and water. Quickly Die turned away, spit the paste into the drain, flushed his mouth. Kaoru took the brush from Die’s hand before he could even say anything, put it back to the cup on the side.<br/>“You okay?” Kaoru asked lowly, let one hand come to a rest on the small of Die’s back. The other hand tugged his hair to the side, massaged his shoulder gently. Die seemed tensed up, not the good kind of tensed up. But then again, it was late at night and they were tired.<br/>“Hm? Yeah, I’m good.” Die nodded, couldn’t let go of that odd feeling that made him feel colder and unfamiliar with every minute that passed between them.<br/>“I didn’t hurt you?” Kaoru had to make sure, that he hadn’t used that moment or mistaken Die’s noises as anything else then sounds of pure pleasure. Die put on a smile, hoped that the alcohol and tiredness made it credible to slip through: “No, I’m all fine.”<br/>Kaoru blinked slowly, watched Die looking away from him as he said this. He lifted his hand and placed in on Die’s shoulder, let his fingers dig into the skin until Die looked down, then up to Kaoru again.<br/>“That wasn’t what I asked.”<br/>Die pursed his lips, shook his head: “You didn’t hurt me.”<br/>With that said Kaoru turned off the water and got out of the shower, quickly wrapped a towel around his waist and offered Die his towel too, wrapped him up, rubbed over his arms. Maybe it really was the drowsiness that made them both feeling so cold and distant, so Die tried to write it off on that and just wanted to go to bed and sleep.<br/>Even as both went out of the bathroom, the others still not being back from the club, and walked up to their little wardrobe they had in the bus to grab for night clothes, Die felt so cold and weird and… abandoned? But it was only until he felt Kaoru’s hand, again carefully hovering over his back, waiting if he’d flinch back or give in.<br/>“You wanna.. um… join?” Kaoru really was not good at talking. Die bit his lip as he looked at the older one, shook his head and was a bit at loss.<br/>“If you want to? I mean… you know… they’ll see then…? Or you gonna kick me out in the middle of the night?” Die huffed, wasn’t really sure what made him feel so irritable right now. Was Kaoru now just playing along and giving Die what he wanted, some cuddle time after sex so he wouldn’t feel used?<br/>Kaoru rolled his eyes, could so care less about the others seeing Die crawl out of his bed in the morning: “They’ve seen us MAKE OUT in the club! They are stupid if they think we went out to watch the stars or whatever…”<br/>Die sucked in his lips, had to admit this one. It probably was a bold move, to get so close to Kaoru in front of the others, not really giving him a chance to back off without making it weird. Kaoru waited in front of the ladder for Die to get up again, followed him closely.<br/>“Well… what if they think that we went out and you scolded me for dressing up or…? I don’t know...” Die shot back, propped himself against the large pillow, took a smaller one and placed it on his lap. Even if he was exhausted, his body in dire need of rest, his mind was racing.<br/>“Do you really think I wouldn’t recognize you even or especially when you’re wearing make up?” Kaoru snorted, didn’t understand the fuzz he made now. Wriggling himself into the blanket next to Die, Kaoru laid down on his back, closed his eyes: “I actually didn’t think you’d go so far to KISS me!”<br/>Die tossed his arms into the pillow on his lap, took a deep breath: “I didn’t think you’d let this happen.”<br/>Kaoru couldn’t help himself but snort and laugh and then sigh loudly.<br/>“I was curious…. If you’d…” he stopped for a moment, looked up to Die. Playfully he lifted a hand and let his index run over Die’s nose to get some kind of reaction, to make him calm down a bit from this rigid mindset he apparently held onto.<br/>“Hmm?” Die looked down, watched Kaoru’s so relaxed face. There was no coldness, nothing harmful. In what was he getting caught up again?<br/>“If you’d be interested.”<br/>“In men?” Die asked back, frowned. He thought this was quite clear to read, that he at least was swinging both ways. Calming down again Die let go of the pillow and sank back, stretched his arm out to let his fingers run over Kaoru’s. His skin was in goosebumps immediately, brought a smile on Die’s lips.<br/>“In me, rather.” Kaoru admitted silently. Now it was Die who let out a loud groan, rubbed his hand over his face as he felt a different kind of heat tinting his cheeks: “For too long probably! So lucky me I lost that bet.”<br/>“Bet?” Kaoru asked curiously, got on one elbow to have his other arm free, could caress Die a bit, play with his hair. It was so soft and even if it was still drying up, Kaoru wanted to let his fingers run through it again.<br/>“Ah, to go and ‘look like a hooker and make every man turn his head’ that kind of lost bet.” Die rolled his eyes, bit his lip again. If he’d won that bet – nah, Toshiya was too scared of Kaoru to try and play him and see how far he’d go. And he’d probably chicken out if Kaoru would kiss him back.<br/>“Oh, do I even want to know what the challenge was?!” Kaoru groaned, nuzzled his head closer to Die. Softly he pressed some kisses on his shoulder, closed his eyes again.<br/>“Are you gonna scold us?” Die asked voicelessly, found a more comfortable spot.<br/>“How stupid is it?” Kaoru gave back, flopped his arm around Die’s waist and pulled him closer, so much closer.<br/>“So stupid, that we waited until you’d leave for the venue to go for the check-up walk.” Snickering lowly Die turned his head, nudged his nose against Kaoru’s. Cautiously he slid a bit closer but didn’t even have to go the full way as he felt Kaoru’s lips on his again.<br/>“Idiot… and you’re an idiot also because you think you’d need so much make up to make everyone turn their heads to you!” Kaoru sighed. Even though Die really DID look stunning in that outfit and styled up like that, he was beautiful without all those things. Die made a sad moan, clicked his tongue: “But admit it, I OWNED that look!”<br/>Cozily they nudged closer, kissed again, Kaoru giving him an affirmative hum.<br/>“D’you know…” Kaoru wetted his lips, grinned at the thought: “there’s a song called ‘Hooker with a Penis’ it’s… quite a good song!”<br/>“Mmmhh… sounds like a love song!” Die mused, kissed Kaoru again.<br/>“I’ll play it to you for sound check, yeah?” Kaoru ginned stupidly, let out another sigh. All the exhaustion hit him, made him so tired that he couldn’t even recall one riff of that song. But it was a good song, and laying there with Die was good too. Heck, it came close to perfect.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Intermission – Hooker with a Penis (II.)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>second part (? obviously)<br/>nothing grand, just two idiots trying to figure out what's going on after their night together</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After quite some time, Die’s fingers still tracing the tattoos with his fingers that he had so far only been allowed to follow with his eyes, the bus door opened silently, creaked a bit when it got opened. It was far later than they actually had planned, but Kaoru wouldn’t mind hopefully. They usually were in a good time schedule anyway and then they’d ditch on a shopping or exploration trip at the next city if they were tight on the time.<br/>
“Ah, what a good party!” Toshiya blurted as they entered. Shoes got kicked off far too loud, Kyo and Shinya talked too loud about the different beers the club had served.<br/>
“Uh, oh, the coat! Where are…. HEEEY…. UUUHHH… WE’RE BAAACK!” Toshiya shouted all too loud, making the others giggle and state their greetings as well, hoping that whatever was going on – or in that fact not anymore going on – would be finished by now.<br/>
Kaoru started to frown in his sleep, press his head into the pillow. Gently Die ran his hand over his shoulder, kept silent and hoped their band mates would silence down too.<br/>
“Yeah, we’re back and ready to drive!” Kyo shouted, stomped intentionally loud around, knocked on some furniture.<br/>
With an annoyed huff Die shoved the curtain of the bunk bed aside and hissed with a low voice: “Nice for you! And now dim it down a bit!”<br/>
Immediately he was greeted by three pairs of eyes, staring up to the bunk bed that was not Die’s actually. At least he was wearing some kind of pyjama and the make up was washed off. Their minds were racing, though much too slow from all the alcohol they had consumed after watching their guitarists make out on the dance floor and then practically running off together.<br/>
“Did-did you leave… uh, um… with Kaoru?!” Toshiya asked immediately, swayed forward, thinking hard about the bunk beds, where Die’s was actually. Kyo and Shinya next to him snorted and giggled, held onto the bassist for some support.<br/>
“Is he here too already?” he asked with a high pitched voice at Die’s affirmative hum.<br/>
“And sleeping, what you should do too!” Die hissed and stared down at them with the same kind of weird expression as they stared up.<br/>
“Isn’t that… “ Toshiya gestured up to the bed, waved with his hand and pressed his eyes shut. If they went on like they had started in the club. Hell, he didn’t even want to know!<br/>
“Yeah, yeah it’s Kaoru’s bed and now shut up or he’ll wake up!” Kyo groaned, much too loud. Immediately Die blushed, heat filled him up as he now understood why the three of them were staring so weirded out up to him. Zipping shut the curtain again, Die held his breath, felt Kaoru shifting next to him.<br/>
“Too late. You’re all so fucking loud!” Kaoru grumbled, got on one elbow, ready to scold them some more if they’d now come up with stupid comments. He had no intention to let them know what he had done with Die, but he also had no intention to hide anything.<br/>
“Oh my god! Sorry! Sorry! We’ll be silent now!” all three of them scattered along the bus, started doing their night routine as silent as possible and without any lights turned on.<br/>
Kaoru sighed silently, felt a too rigid body next to him. Softly as he could in his sleep-drunken state, he ran one hand over Die’s cheek, followed his cheekbone to the hairline, mended some strands out of his face.<br/>
“Your hair’s still damp.” He stated and without any further comment on that matter, he rolled on his back again, pulled Die closer along with him.<br/>
“Sorry.” Die whispered, put his hand over Kaoru’s chest and bit his lip, wasn’t even sure what exactly he was sorry for. For making it obvious that they were in the same bed together? For giving the others a hint that they were closer, physically closer?<br/>
“Water makes the hair wet, what are you sorry for?” Kaoru mumbled against Die’s head, pressed a quick peck on his forehead before he drifted off in blissful sleep, feeling Die giggling and relaxing again.</p><p> </p><p>Of course the others would stare, mumble, question things, but only between the three of them, not daring to ask a too busy leader about his private life and also not daring to make Die flip who seemed, after that encounter, not really relaxed with any situation.<br/>
After some lives and a rather quiet – yes even for them not exchanging even a single word per day was weird – week, the end of the tour nearing, Kaoru tried to make some kind of move as it seemed that none of the others was either poking around or throwing obvious comments.</p><p>That he wasn’t the best with words was clear to everyone but probably even more unclear for Die, who had tried to approach him, but discarded the idea the second he saw a frown on the older one’s face, head deep over some papers, schedules, plans. That they basically never really were alone was another thing and the more Die thought about others seeing them, Kaoru hiding them, others knowing, Kaoru also not really making a move, he got lost in his thoughts, went down a spiral of intrusive statements. Kaoru didn’t want anyone to know what he did with Die, Kaoru didn’t want others to know he was into men, Kaoru didn’t want Die, Kaoru wanted Die only for a quick fuck because he was drunk and horny, Kaoru not making any advances because he didn’t like it and could spare a repetition, Kaoru not –<br/>
Die flinched back abruptly as he felt a hand pressing on the small of his back. Gasping for air he twisted around and stared at who was so boldly approaching him and stared directly in Kaoru’s eyes that were watching him carefully.<br/>
“You… okay?” Kaoru mumbled, put his hand back into the pocket of his sweater. The short nails dug deep in the palms of his hands, made him calm down again and concentrate on the situation. It was probably the first time since their encounter that they were alone and Kaoru took a note of them being alone, having a chance to approach the other without having this in some kind of artificially set up situation, Kaoru calling Die for some sort of meeting only between them. He didn’t want to push, nor let this moment slip.<br/>
“Sorry, I was … trailing off in thoughts.” Die stated truthfully, pursed his lips. Kaoru nodded, looked at Die’s hands that busied themselves with the make up bag, putting out the stuff he needed for tonight’s live.<br/>
“But it’s…” Kaoru hesitated, some kind of vile fear took over for a second, froze him: “It’s not the eating?”<br/>
Instantly Die gave Kaoru a surprised look through the mirror of the changing room, then shook his head, laughing, that this was for sure not a problem. Of course there were days, that took him every ounce of energy he had to fight off these kind of thoughts and to break a too harsh routine of self-punishment. But there were other things bugging him, so he turned towards Kaoru again, checked for a moment if they really were alone, then gestured towards him, between them.<br/>
“That… more the less, what happened and is going… on, or rather not so going on?!” Die heard his voice failing him, leaned back against the counter as he feared that his body would give out too any second. He hated this, this odd feeling of uncertainty and not pushing too much but also feeling so neglected and… tossed away right after? Sure, he wasn’t new to one-night-stands, but it had felt different? Falling asleep next to Kaoru, him wanting Die to be there? Or was he talking himself down and making things so nice and bubbly because he was scared of rejection?<br/>
Kaoru hummed lowly, checked on the door once again and then let out a bit of a tired sigh: “I think sometimes … ah, time passes and work gets the best of me.”<br/>
“Well, it’s what we do for a living!” Die offered him a smile, tried once again to talk everything down. He couldn’t demand from Kaoru to let work rest just for TALKING about something so stupid, especially not during a tour. Kaoru clicked his tongue, then looked up to Die: “I haven’t been avoiding you.”<br/>
Die gasped, arched his back insignificantly but enough for him to feel heat building up at the words Kaoru said: “I’m not the fastest to… take action on that matter either.”<br/>
A soft smile crept up on Die’s lips that he wanted gone before he’d start smiling like an idiot and say words he’d regret as soon as they’d leave his lips, so he rather used his lips for other things. Tilting forward he kissed Kaoru, slow but without any hesitation, careful if the other would retreat or stop. As he felt Kaoru’s hand on his shoulder, just lying there, nothing more nothing less, Die broke their kiss, waited for Kaoru to say or do something, if this was okay, good?<br/>
“I’m not opposed to go on and see where … we’ll… where this’ll go.” Kaoru bit his lip, wasn’t sure if these words were a sentence, understandable even. But something about the way he said it, how soft and clear his voice sounded, gave Die enough courage to nod, press his body closer. He almost forgot how good it had felt to be so close with Kaoru, to feel the heat of his body on his own.<br/>
“So… we’ll give this …um, a try?” Die asked, still needed some more reassurance if what he wanted to do with Kaoru was also to his liking. A soft snort flowed out of Kaoru’s mouth, he whined and frowned, cupped Die’s cheeks and gave him an honest look: “Not trying. With songs I try and mess around.”<br/>
Die’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment. Maybe he bargained more than he came for, but he also wasn’t opposed to that idea. It scared him by best, not only because it was Kaoru and Kaoru was his work colleague, but also because it seemed so serious right away from the beginning: “We’ll mess around, for sure. But no harm taken if things don’t work out, I won’t push just for the sake of it.”<br/>
Die nodded, couldn’t really add something on that. He knew from Kaoru’s past that he once had been with a girl for much too long even when things were going so bad for so long already, both their parents had said that they were such a good couple, even Toshiya and Die himself had talked lengths with Kaoru what he could do to make it work, to keep it going. In the end, both hurt each other more than if they would have just parted earlier, and that was not was Kaoru wanted for Die, to hurt him just for saying he worked with his partner and not ex-partner. Though, it was a buffer statement, that made Die feel small, he was glad that he knew right away how Kaoru saw things.<br/>
“And…” Kaoru put his hands on Die’s hips, drew him closer. He was sure their short moment of alone-time would quickly be interrupted by the others rushing in, preparing themselves for the live tonight.<br/>
“I’ll be honest, with you and myself too. And I want, no I DEMAND the same thing from you too.” Kaoru stated, waited for Die and he got a response he didn’t think he’d get. A too hot tear made its way down Die’s cheek, made Die flinch back for a second, huff out.<br/>
“Shit.” He laughed voicelessly, lifted one hand to wipe the tear away before he gave Kaoru a soft smile: “Sometimes I forget how fucking blunt you can be!”<br/>
Die’s smile was quickly kissed away, all coldness caressed away with soft touches and sweet moans. Just as Die wanted to let one hand flow down between Kaoru’s legs, feeling some very hard erection pressing through the jeans he wore, the door fell open, Toshiya’s giggling filling the room.<br/>
“Right…” Kaoru took a step back, left Die feeling cold but so hot in his core.<br/>
“Finished with soundcheck?” not one second and Kaoru was leader again, put his hands on his hips as Toshiya and Shinya walked up to their places and gave Kaoru a glance through the mirror: “Jeez, relax! Of course…”<br/>
Not even a minute after Kaoru left the changing room Toshiya mumbled, then looked over to Die: “He’s always so tensed up and we’re touring for what? almost two decades now!”<br/>
Die chuckled, mended his hair a bit before he’d start styling them. With more confidence and a different feeling than he had said those words before Die noted that they did this for a living, so of course he wanted things to be smooth.</p><p> </p><p>Their last live of that tour was to end, they had started the last song of the encore, already being well over time. But they all felt good, Kyo nodded approvingly when Die had proposed to add two more songs instead of the planned. And the better they all felt when the last sounds ebbed away, silence filled the big hall. Home, this kind of silence was knowing exactly that they’ll go back home and soon after the applause hit them, the lights got brighter and illuminated the audience, greeted them for a last good bye saying.<br/>
Kyo was fast to go off the stage already, leaving the two guitarists and Toshiya throwing picks. Shinya joined them for a moment, threw his sticks into the audience, waved hastily and followed their vocalist back. He wanted to get out his gloves and wash his hands with some soothing cold water, wanted to take a shower immediately by best.<br/>
Toshiya though, fully enjoying those last moments he was still on stage before that tour was a closed chapter – at least for him, not for Kaoru who had to mend all paperwork – threw some picks, joked around with Die. He hadn’t seen his fellow band mate being so happy and smiling on stage, so he held onto that moment, patted on his shoulder: “You were amazing!”<br/>
Die had to hold back snorting and bursting into laughter on stage, though giggled at the compliment and gave it back: “You too! Always!”<br/>
Squeezing Toshiya close for a short moment made the audience applaud loudly, whistles followed as Toshiya leaned into the sloppy hug, smiled into the stage lights to enjoy this feeling one last time. Die let go again, walked up to the exit of the stage where Kaoru greeted him with an exhausted but relieved smile.</p><p>“That felt so good!” Die sighed, caught up to go along with Kaoru to their changing room. Kaoru hummed, smiled, was feeling so much heat and joy from that moment.<br/>
“You had fun on stage?!” Kaoru giggled then as the smile on Die’s lips didn’t vanish. Usually they’d all go back separately, take a quick shower and change in their usual clothes, all feelings left back on stage. Tiredness and exhaustion hit them as soon as they walked down the hallway to the changing room, but somehow, Die was so happy, didn’t want that good feeling to flush away so fast.<br/>
“I truly had! I’m really happy that Kyo agreed on singing that last song though we hadn’t planned that for tonight!” Die waved his arms, was sweating too much, but he didn’t really care and he felt good to let Kaoru know that he had fun, that it was more than work for him tonight. Twisting around Die stopped in front of Kaoru, put on hand on his shoulder as he walked backwards, slower of course: “And thank YOU too for agreeing!”<br/>
Kaoru shrugged his shoulder as if he was playing it off, feeling happy that he could make Die happy with this mere decision. It was unanimously agreed between all of them, even if Kaoru had the last word on matters.<br/>
As Kaoru wanted to lean forward, tell Die that it was a compromise worth making because it made him happy, Die let his arm slip around Kaoru’s neck. Almost as if he’d lean in to, but only to step aside and let his arm rest around Kaoru’s shoulder like a friend, leaving Kaoru with an odd feeling of avoidance.<br/>
Toshiya passed them wordlessly, making Kaoru flinch additionally. He had thought the bassist had left already, was back at the changing room so he’d have at least one mere second with Die. But, Toshiya really had a hand for bad timing, turning around and staring at the two guitarists who brought some more space between them, still making it seem like a casual friendly hug between band mates.<br/>
“We’re gonna head out tonight? No restrictions!” Toshiya demanded, pressed that they wouldn’t have to leave at a certain time anyway as they would only drive back home so they could party all night long.<br/>
“Sure, go ahead!” Kaoru snorted, wouldn’t have given them a too short time window for partying anyway. Though, 5 in the morning was also not his preferred time to get off the venue, but Toshiya was right, they had nothing scheduled for the next two days, so a little longer party was fine.<br/>
“You’re ditching?” Die asked promptly as it sounded as if Kaoru wouldn’t tag along. Quickly he let go of Kaoru’s shoulder as they entered the changing room, the others already started to pack up their belongings. Kaoru shrugged his shoulder, was tired actually.<br/>
“Gonna join for one drink.” He stated, got out of his jacket and put off the jewelry.<br/>
“One drink, suuuure!” Kyo gave him a smug grin, knew exactly that One Drink always meant one more drink until someone dragged them back to the bus.<br/>
“I can also have that one drink in the bus!” Kaoru arched his eyebrows, knew that his band mates would plot to make him drunk if he’d tag along.<br/>
“Don’t be a party-pooper!” Toshiya hissed grinning, walked up to their leader and massaged his shoulders while Kaoru unbuttoned his shirt, shot him a glance through the mirror.<br/>
“Can you stop this.” Kaoru stated with a cold tone, the happy and satisfied feeling from before completely gone. Toshiya lifted his hands abruptly as if he’d burned himself on Kaoru’s body, watched him wriggle out of the shirt wordlessly. Kaoru tossed the shirt back in his chair, grabbed for the small bag with his shampoo, towel and fresh clothes for change and left for the bathroom.</p><p> </p><p>“You really don’t wanna join?” Die felt the urge to ask Kaoru once more as they headed back to the bus, the others storing their bags to their beds, ready to leave for the nearest club around town.<br/>
“Paperwork.” Kaoru waved it off, ignored the looks the others gave them, waiting for their leader to change his mind and join them. It was some odd and sad tradition between them, Kaoru staying back and mending the last paperwork to finish the tour while the others stayed out partying.<br/>
“Sure, right.” Die nodded, felt a bit defeated. At least, he could say he tried, didn’t want to exclude him from that evening. Shinya sighed loudly, wanted to go. The drummer knew that it was in vain to try and convince Kaoru otherwise when he had already set his mind.<br/>
“Have fun, guys!” Kaoru gave back, was already turning towards the little fridge to get some cold soda out as Toshiya tried once more, hated that their leader was such a recluse sometimes: “You could have fun too! Last time we went out it seemed you pretty much had fun!”<br/>
Last time they went out both Die and Kaoru had a lot of fun, but ever since they hadn’t t really had a decent minute alone to get any closer other than mere pecks, cautious squeezes, maybe a longing glance if both their minds weren’t drifting off in music or work, though music was their work and they were eager to create a few new riffs and melodies while being on that high the tour life gave them.<br/>
Die felt weirdly called out by that comment, wanted to get back at Toshiya that HE was the one that caused the others to laugh at him. Because that was exactly what the bassist had done, laughed at him while he felt humiliated, standing there in that flimsy dress.<br/>
“My work colleagues challenging each other to childish bets and getting wasted sure is my understanding of fun.” Kaoru shot back, dry and with a too soft voice that made Die shudder. He hadn’t said band mates, no, work colleagues. It brought more distance between them with full intention. And it hurt Die that he dismissed their encounter as childish act.<br/>
Turning towards them again, Kaoru offered them nothing but an empty stare, was only waiting until the door fell in its lock again and he had some peace of mind.<br/>
“My god…” Toshiya hissed, got up and was ready to leave. He had no intention to start a fight now, not on the last day of the tour.<br/>
“Do you even know how to spell FUN?” he grumbled, took his wallet and a jacket and went out to Shinya who already waited for them. Kyo called Die softly by his name to make him go too. It seemed as if Kaoru needed some alone time so he wanted to make sure he got his alone time. As Kyo’s silhouette vanished into the dark night Kaoru let his glance wander to Die, waited. Die offered him an apologetic smile, shrugged it off that Toshiya wanted him to relax and party.<br/>
“And you too want me to go out and party?” Kaoru asked, felt oddly put under pressure. He didn’t like this, he didn’t like this at all. Neither did he want to give in and tag along because DIE begged, another person begged for his attention, that seemed so disgusting to Kaoru that a cold shudder ran down his spine, made him shut his eyes close and put the weight on his other foot, not moving anyway. But something in Kaoru also WANTED to tag along, wanted Die to ask him if he’d come with them, with him. He wanted to be wanted next to Die, wanted to know if Die really wanted HIM to be there and not only because he was part of the band but… but him. And yeah, Kaoru was a party-pooper, end of the line.<br/>
Die shot back, gulped hard and held his breath for a hot second. Of course he wanted Kaoru to go out with them, wanted to spend some private time with him. Private time off from work, even if it was not alone in the sense of only them.<br/>
“Well yes?! But I guess… partying is not what… what you want to do tonight.” Or any other night – Die sighed into himself, was ready to leave but then hesitated. He too had nights he could rather ditch going out and coming back home drunk, spending too much money on alcohol in bars and on a taxi. So: “Hmm… you need help with the paperwork? I could… uh, look over it with you?”<br/>
Kaoru gave him a dead-pan look, took a deep breath. He knew exactly that this wasn’t in a good direction and no matter what he’d say now, Die wouldn’t be satisfied. If he’d stay back with Kaoru he’d miss out on partying and Toshiya would tell him so many things he missed out until Die would regret not going with them and Kaoru feeling guilty to have taken that chance from Die, had held him back. And if Die went out, then he’d miss out on spending time with Kaoru, even if it was work that made them spend some time together.<br/>
“Die- “ immediately Die waved it off with an eyeroll, turned sideways and nodded over to Kaoru: “Got it, right.”<br/>
So he didn’t want to spend time with him, okay. Die had his band mates, friends he’d even call them, and they’d go out and celebrate a good tour and some pretty amazing lives.<br/>
“Alright?!” Die caught up to Toshiya, was greeted immediately by a bright smile and a warm hug. Nuzzling his face against the bassist, Die sighed that he was more than ready to party and dance and get drunk.</p><p> </p><p>It was way, way, way past midnight when a very drunken Die got carried into the bus, supported on Kyo and Shinya, Toshiya kind of limping behind them, wasted but still able to kind of walk back to the bus.<br/>
“Sh, put him in his bed, get him out of the shoes.” Kyo lulled at Shinya, swayed all three bodies down the little corridor to the bunk beds.<br/>
“I don’t want to touch Die’s feet!” Shinya giggled back, got the curtain aside to put Die’s body on the bed.</p><p>At some point during the night Die had gone for a quick trip to the toilet but that trip wasn’t really quickly and after around half an hour, Shinya getting the next round of beers, seeing an untouched bottle from the round before on Die’s place, he wondered where the guitarist had went off to. Sure, he was one to just tail off, coming back half an hour or an hour later, smiling like an idiot, everyone knowing too well that he had left for the restrooms for a different kind of release. But this time there was something uneasy, uncomfortable in the way Die started to drink and party. Unsafe, uncompromising, aggressive even. He had downed some shots as soon as they had entered the club, not unusual, though, the way he had put off his clothes as he started dancing, not caring about the people around him touching him. As if he NEEDED physical closeness and this time it was by far different how he presented his body on the dance floor than the last time when he had tried to hit on Kaoru.<br/>
And Kaoru, of course, was a topic too that Kyo brought up after some time, Toshiya going to the dancefloor to look out for Die, leaving Shinya back with the vocalist. They hadn’t seemed as if something had happened between them, their work was as professional as always, maybe they looked at each other more often during lives? But that was nothing new anyway. Sometimes Shinya watched out more for Toshiya at certain songs, other times they all were in their own bubble on stage, as if they were all alone and uninterrupted. At some point they shrugged it off. Whatever happened three weeks ago when they had dressed Die up and he had left with Kaoru after a really hot make out session on the dancefloor that left all of them a bit speechless, apparently ended after that night or was not to come up during the tour. They resumed to ask Toshiya when he came back and then they realized that he too was nowhere to be seen and so they packed up and went along the club on the search for their band mates, hoping they wouldn’t find them humping each other in some greasy corner. Instead, they found them in a toilet stall, together, Die bowing his head over the bowl and emptying his stomach, Toshiya patting his back gently, lulling at him some words of comfort, to let it all out.<br/>
It was too much, just a big sip of those ten vodka shots Toshiya had gotten for both of them too much. Toshiya himself could hardly stand on his two feet while Die sank down on his knees, crying, shaking, wiping vomit off his chin with his bare hand. He had been worse already, didn’t care if someone saw him like that, especially not his band mates. Hell, they had seen him worse already too, he wasn’t really fond of those moments, but also not ashamed. Maybe, the only person he was ashamed to act in front of like this, was Kaoru.</p><p> </p><p>The worse so it was, waking up the next morning from a massive headache that made Die sit up with piercing pain, the little content that was still in his stomach ready to leave his body. Stumbling out of his bed with still his outfit half on, the blanket around his legs, he stomped up to the toilet. The rhythmic swaying of the bus as they drove didn’t make it any better, it made everything worse. At least, it sped up the process of getting everything out of his body, made him nauseous immediately. He didn’t want to deal with this day, nor any other day right now. Of course the others would mock him, Kaoru would give him a lecturing look, maybe even a lecture that they were too old to get this kind of wasted and it wasn’t healthy. Heck, Kaoru could so shut up if he’d say anything – Die was angry and hurt, irrationally hurt and he knew his anger was childish jealousy but right now he had no intention to talk himself down, belittle himself. It was wrong to always tell himself he was overreacting.</p><p>Leaving the bathroom after a long and hot shower Die felt already a bit better, nuzzled himself in his bathrobe instead of getting dressed right away. He didn’t want to make any decisions, so he’d decide on clothes later.<br/>
“Die…?” there it was. Of course. Die took a deep breath and went in the other direction from where he heard Kaoru’s voice. Back at the end of the bus, behind the curtain that separated a little workplace from the rest of the bus, he saw Kaoru sitting over some music sheets, his rhythm guitar put aside. The Lecture; Die wanted to curl up into a little ball of garbage and just roll around on the bus floor until he’d got stuck under some cupboard and no one would ever bother about it.<br/>
“Wanna sit?” Kaoru offered, talked lowly. As he always did when he was about to hold A Talk.<br/>
“I’m not dressed.” Die said, wanted to bargain some more time before the inevitable came. He was stupid, a child, reckless, he should know better, he should know his limits – all those things Kaoru had preached them all over the years. Kaoru nodded at Die’s attempt to run away, but he wouldn’t slip, not like this: “You’ve been dressed up all night in some uncomfortable clothes. I don’t mind you enjoying the freedom of some… comfortable things.”<br/>
Die took a long breath, sat down on the other side of the table, waited. Kaoru just watched him, tried to see anything on Die’s face and it was as if he’d see a little mini-movie, could imagine the subtitles – yes I know I’ve drunken too much, but I didn’t throw up IN the bus? So you can’t be angry, and actually I am the one who should be angry! I AM allowed to be angry because you didn’t tag along and take care of me! No, no, I don’t need a kindergartener, I never said I need a PARENT to watch over me, I just wanted your company because you’re shoving me away and avoiding me.</p><p>“Reasons or just underestimated the amount?” was all Kaoru asked, didn’t want to sound judging. He had been awake too long yesterday, playing that chat over and over again. It was unfair, in every way and whatever would have happened, they would find themselves here now anyway in some uneasy situation. So, Kaoru wanted to make it as not-uneasy as possible, got up and handed Die some cold water that he took with a low nod.<br/>
“Guess… reasons made me get above myself.” Die laughed at the bottle, was disgusted by himself and that he let this all go so out of hand. He had known after his second order already that it was enough and he should stop. But he didn’t.<br/>
Kaoru waited if Die would speak, open up about what those reasons were or if Kaoru had to go that way and ask. And Kaoru hated nothing more than to ask and pull answers from others who probably didn’t want to respond to his question or would boldly lie to his face.<br/>
Die took a sip from the water, was thankful for that little act of… affection? Who was Die? To be dependent on Kaoru giving him a fucking bottle of water so he’d be happy? To have his basic needs covered? In a moment of rage, he wanted to throw the bottle at Kaoru’s head, looked at him but he was only greeted with a neutral expression, no hurt or belittling stare. Die’s eyes fluttered shut and he cursed himself for having such intrusive thoughts, for thinking in such a vile and gruesome way of Kaoru if he wanted absolutely other things.<br/>
“It was an unfair situation yesterday.” Kaoru stated after some internal debate if he’d offer Die hug and risk the chance of getting shouted at or rejected, what would push an even bigger and colder wedge between them. Immediately Die’s hand shot up to catch a sneaky tear that wanted him to look like some weak and fragile teenage girl. But he felt exactly like that; confused, hurt, not as confident as he wanted to be.<br/>
“I’m aware that I like to use work as excuse. For anything. Even… well, doctor’s appointments!” Kaoru stated, wetted his lips to keep talking. As Die didn’t seem in the mood to talk, what was absolutely understandable given the little hours of sleep he had and how much alcohol he had gotten down yesterday, Kaoru used his chance to speak, to explain a few things. He hated explaining himself but for the sake of it, he’d do it. For Die, for them both. All those weak attempts on justifying himself for others to make it work a little longer would have to stop finally. Kaoru knew he wasn’t the easiest person sometimes, most times actually, but he also was rather relaxed when it came to relations with others, was okay with things and situations far more than others would think he’d be.<br/>
“And I also know that you like to go out partying and celebrating, being around people.” Die nodded at this, smiled tiredly, still looking down on the table. He enjoyed that moment so far because he didn’t have to talk, had no nerve to talk. His brain was still in this dizzy state where scraping together words to form a full sentence was exhausting him.<br/>
“I’m not here to judge, maybe myself.” Kaoru had to laugh a bit on that, wanted to tag along a bit more often sometimes, but he also slept better when work was done and he could risk oversleeping the next day, not having to think about work already in the morning.<br/>
“Because I’m… I think I’m sure that you would have liked me to tag along yesterday?” Kaoru suggested the statement, tried to see if Die would give him an answer or if he really had to walk the full way. Die nodded again, faced Kaoru, though eyes closed: “It would have been nice to spend some time with you.”<br/>
Carefully Kaoru let his hand come to a rest on Die’s, felt a soft squeeze back as he stroked over the snake tattoo with this thumb.<br/>
“Don’t force yourself to sit through paperwork to have some more time with me, okay?” Kaoru gave Die another squeeze, made him look up now finally.<br/>
“It’s boring, and I’d feel guilty because I know you don’t like it and I’d make you stick here with this.” Kaoru frowned playfully and Die giggled along lowly, understood the motifs a bit better.<br/>
“I wanna spend real fucking time with you. Not to have work glue us together and with no other people who’d give us looks or comments. I’m so tired of that.” Kaoru sighed and watched Die sliding closer, placing himself next to Kaoru with the back turned to him. With regained confidence Kaoru held Die in a firm embrace, pressed some kisses on his head and shoulders, massaged them gently.<br/>
“Sorry…” it was only a whisper but so hard to state for Die that he started shivering again, made Kaoru rub his arms, ask lowly what he apologized for.<br/>
“I thought you were avoiding me, to the point I’d be fed up with this hiding game to call it off.” Die felt so stupid, that he really was thinking Kaoru would do such a thing. And Kaoru was a bit baffled, but also amused, felt a guilty too that he came off like a person who’d play others like this: “Hey! You really think that low of me!”<br/>
Die shot up immediately, stared back at Kaoru, scared that he’d now send him off and tell him to fuck off because he was thinking of him like that. But Kaoru only grinned and pulled him closer, kissed him gently, mumbling ‘jokes’ between some more kisses until Die relaxed again, leaned into the embrace.</p><p>“You’re tired?” Kaoru asked, placed Die back on the bench, covered his legs again. Die nodded, leaned against Kaoru and pulled his arm around his chest, let his hand run sloppily over the tattoos until he felt a faint squeeze against his shoulder where Kaoru held him caged: “Then I’ll give you the lecture on getting plastered later, okay?”<br/>
Die couldn’t hold back laughing, felt so warm and fuzzy again. Sometimes he needed Kaoru to talk, even if he knew it was hard to make him talk. But he rather held some awkward conversations than blow this what had started out between them and drink himself into oblivion.<br/>
Glancing over to the table Die saw Kaoru picking up the pen again, shifting the sheets closer to him. Letting out a low snort Die mocked: “If you’re gonna go back to work while we’re having a somewhat private moment, strange enough that none of the others already came around? Then spare me the lecture…!”<br/>
“Nope.” Kaoru grinned, clicked the pen and placed another kiss on Die’s head.<br/>
“I allow you to choose.” He fluted, was amused by the thought how Die would react: “Angry band leader or concerned partner?”<br/>
Immediately Die froze up, the gentle stroking on Kaoru’s arm and fingers stopped. There it was – how had Die called him? Bold, yeah, Kaoru could be quite bold sometimes. For a moment it was scarily silent until Die whispered: “Can I have concerned partner? Now?”<br/>
“Now?” Kaoru fluted, was really amused. Die snickered, added: “Make it cheesy and dramatic.”<br/>
Kaoru snorted at that request, knew that both wouldn’t be able to have this get over with a serious talk, so he just rolled with it: “Alright sweetheart –“<br/>
Kaoru couldn’t even finish the sentence as Die made a gagging noise, laughed at the word Kaoru used. It was SO not him, not leader, not Kaoru, not the man he knew for so long and was finally allowed to get to know better, more, differently.<br/>
“Jokes aside, don’t make me worry about having a serious talk with Toshiya. I guess he was the one who helped getting you so drunk?” Kaoru was already quite deep in thoughts, but he knew his band mates, friends, his lover. Maybe he would really have a little talk with them next tour, to not overdo it. He wouldn’t really give them a lecture. By now they were all old enough to either know their limits or have the others around to take care of their sorry asses.<br/>
“Ah, have mercy!” Die sighed, made himself comfortable in Kaoru’s embrace as none of them seemed to want to let go. Die could also nap here while Kaoru was mending the sheets. Maybe he had to share him a bit with work sometimes or glue onto Kaoru when he couldn’t let go of work, but that was only a minor aspect as this kind of work was exactly what gave them the possibility to still be so close together. Many other bands that had started out back then broke up after a few years, split, reformed, changed members.<br/>
“No mercy…” Kaoru snickered, pressed another firm kiss on Die’s head, eyes on the sheets. Some riffs were bugging him, giving him no mercy. Maybe he should…<br/>
‘No Mercy?’ – sounded, it sounded fitting. In some way, those words fit the song to its current stage. There were parts that Kaoru had written in no time, seemed to be flowing from his mind directly on the paper and other passages needed revision, were lacking completely.</p><p>Die had drifted off in some needed sleep, snored slightly. It was all Kaoru could have ever wished for, just them sitting together, resting a bit, music in his mind, no interruption. But as much as this was a mere dream, he had just awaited someone to knock on the little wooden panel in front of his office set up before the curtain got zipped aside and Kyo peeped through with his head. The knocking didn’t wake Die and Kaoru had no intention to hide anything or deny. So he just kept sitting, Die in his arms to his side, music sheets spreading on the table.<br/>
“Here he – “ Kyo gulped as he saw the intimate moment between them, how close they sat and relaxed they seemed, then smiled as Kaoru gave him a questioning look, clearly not interested in waking Die up to bring on a more professional attitude. This was a private moment that Kyo had just interrupted, he realized.<br/>
“I was worried already where he had went off to.” Kyo whispered, held back smiling like an idiot: “But I see… he’s in good hands.”<br/>
With that he turned around to go back at the breakfast table where the others sat, mumbled lowly about how dead Die would be and that he’d live up to his name a last time. It was a wonder actually that he hadn’t thrown up in the night, but regarding how much he had already thrown up in the toilet at the club, there was not that much anymore to let go of.<br/>
“Working?” Shinya asked as Kyo returned back to the table and sat down. For a moment he hesitated, then smiled to himself: “Yeah… I guess they’ve figured some things out.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. cmi (Die/Kyo)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kyo and Die have an arrangement that works well, until it doesn’t work well anymore and private life and work troubles collide.</p><p>cmi – can’t make it; this is quite a long one and idk how this really happened? I let the thoughts go along and well, ended where it ends? It’s a bit of a tough one and the aspect of friendship is an important key point here. (+ a bunch of ily because??? A friendship needs ily too)</p><p> </p><p>As TW I’d say that it can come off as past non-con/rape. It was an initial thought of mine, but the explicit form got lost over the rest (for the better). So, it’s more a note to understand maybe the situation Die finds himself in? past trauma/hurt can block you completely and make you shut down, give you not only psychological pain but also shows on a physical level</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Some time, over a year ago, Die and Kyo had found an arrangement that worked for both men in a wonderful and good way. Their arrangement covered the tours and as loud as the vocalist could get on stage, as quiet he was when other things occupied the guitarist’s hands.</p><p>That was one thing, Die learned to enjoy and acknowledge – Kyo’s discreet manner. No one really saw them getting any closer than colleagues would get or even kissing if Die was trying to steal a kiss here and there. Most times though, Kyo was head deep in work and didn’t even realize what was happening around him if it didn’t directly affect the band or their work.</p><p>As good as tour life had become ever since, going back left them both always a bit hanging in the air. For Die, the thing that felt the oddest, was probably when he first saw someone else after a tour. They weren’t together in the sense of a couple and that was to both their understanding and liking. But it had felt weird the first time it happened, and after a brief talk, on Kyo’s behalf as he too had seen someone else and was quite unimpressed at how unexciting and actually disappointing this was, they had concluded to carry on with their little meet ups apart from touring.</p><p>It was quite unspectacular, not even in a bad way, just, unexciting. After the tour had ended along with the usual aftermath and meetings with the management, drafting a further plan for their near future nothing grand happened. They all had gone back home again to their routine, met again after some days off and picked up their ideas where they had stopped.<br/>Kyo had then visited Die, in private, and Die had visited Kyo, mostly in private. His flat was more the less one big workspace with a kitchen and a bathroom and a little room that functioned as bedroom.<br/>The most exciting it got after returning home a month ago was when Die had stayed over at Kyo’s and it was the morning after the first snowfall of the year. Die sat glued to the window as Kyo had made them tea, kissed his bare shoulder until he kissed down his bare arms and other things became more interesting than snow.</p><p>Everything seemed so easy and going on naturally between them, that Die never bothered to bring up any real troubles, kept them to himself as he always had done. By best he’d share them with Kaoru as the two guitarists were close and worked close anyway if work was what troubled Die.</p><p>It was until they started recording some files, Toshiya and Die as usually doing the back up vocals, having some sessions with Kyo how to make the sound, well, sounding. There was something about both men’s voices that Kyo adored and carefully placed in between or layered, taking little care if they were overwhelmed at the timing. Sometimes Kyo overestimated their talent to play guitar or bass along with doing those back up screams. Die faced a bit of a hard time getting those two tasks done at the same time. Even if it was only for the recording, he needed to get this fixed before they would finalize the recording but he’d be unable to ever do this at a live, leaving the audience disappointed.<br/>So, Die found himself stuck in the studio the same long hours as Kaoru usually spent there, played and tried singing along. Kyo had left already for the night as it was late and he still wanted to finish the movie he had started yesterday evening but fell asleep halfway in because it got late yesterday too. As even Kaoru put his guitar aside and started to pack up, Die huffed out and took off his headphones, waited for Kaoru to finish.<br/>The low hum that followed as Kaoru turned around and looked at Die, made the younger guitarist smile. It was so innocent and some weird way to check on him, that he wasn’t forgotten or already dismissed from today’s studio time.<br/>“Could you by chance help me there?” Die lifted his eyebrows, watched proudly as Kaoru walked over to him. With another low hum he leaned over Die’s shoulder and looked at the problematic sheets: “What’s bugging you with that part?”<br/>It was one of Kaoru’s compositions. He had played the lines through a good few times before he handed the sheets over to Die, knew the beats like his own heart beat by now.<br/>“Kyo wants me to sing here and… I just don’t think I can get my hands work on that? I know, muscle memory, but I fear this won’t work here.”<br/>Kaoru got in an upright position again, had heard them singing a bit already. Kyo had given him a first demo version with the vocals added, wanted some revision and feedback from Kaoru. He remembered exactly where those parts were in the song and also understood Die’s cautiousness towards the song.<br/>“Have you talked with Kyo that you and Toshiya swap those parts? His should be easier at that time stamp.” Kaoru proposed, squeezed Die’s shoulder for a brief moment, announcing that work should be over for tonight.<br/>“Yeah, guess I’ll have a talk with him then!” Die smiled back, frowned for a moment though.<br/>“Why don’t you actually do vocals too?” Die asked curiously as of when this had stopped. He remembered a time when Kaoru too did back up vocals. But maybe that was around the time he realized that he got carried away to easily and forgot about them? Just last week Die had asked Kaoru something and he waited for hours for an answer until he asked him again and Kaoru bluntly said that he forgot to tell him.<br/>“Ugh. I did! I had my fair share already.” Kaoru waved it off with a smile and turned away to grab his backpack.<br/>“You know I get carried away too easily when I’m…” Kaoru frowned, still smiling as Die shouldered his own bag, ready to leave.<br/>“When you’re in your headspace?” Die finished the sentence for Kaoru, got nothing as response. It wasn’t even judging and the others knew anyway that Kaoru sometimes drifted off in his own world where almost no one could disturb him. It was when he came up with some crazy new riff or melody the following days, so no one really minded when it seemed as if he was daydreaming or staring off into the void for some hours during studio time. They were used to this image from both, Kyo and Kaoru. Kaoru sitting there, staring at a black screen that was on standby mode already, the guitar in his lap functioned as decoration when that idea struck him so suddenly that he didn’t bother to put the guitar away? They all were odd in their own ways, so none of them questioned this.<br/>“Eh, sorry.” Kaoru murmured, passed Die to go up to the elevator. Something felt uneasy today, standing in that small elevator. Even if it was Die, whom he was always good friends with and could be weird as much as he liked, he felt small and under pressure. So, he pursed his lips and waited until they stopped at the ground floor. Die rolled his eyes and grabbed for Kaoru’s shoulder, held him back for a second before he’d run off, both leaving each other in some cold uncomfortableness: “I didn’t mean to sound judging, you know this!”<br/>Kaoru nodded, said it was a long day and he had been tensed up for quite some weeks already, thought they’d get work done a bit faster. The whole atmosphere was odd lately. When Kaoru felt down the rest of the band usually felt it too. So maybe Kaoru feeling under pressure was what also made Die retreat from their usual relaxed evening with video-games or going out eating at some new place as they had done so casually.</p><p> </p><p>To not give Kaoru more work and redo some riffs around the vocals and to not bug Toshiya to swap their parts and hell, Die didn’t want to ask Kyo if he could rethink changing those parts, Die spent most of his time in the studio. When he wasn’t at the studio to get over that one sequence, he was at home, singing while cleaning up, taking a shower, while cooking, went over the time stamps when he was running. He tried playing that song every day but every time it came to that one sequence he messed up either the strumming, forgot to strum, was much too fast and out of pace, or his voice cracked, he forgot, was too late, sang too fast, too silent, startled himself with his voice even. Or everything blanked out and he felt detached from the song, couldn’t get into it again and just waited for the others to finish. No one really commented on Die’s mess ups, though they didn’t pass unseen. Kaoru was frankly said too tired to push Die to go ask Kyo for a change, he knew how stubborn Die could get when something bugged him that others thought he would manage. Kyo felt crushed, that he overdid, that he had underestimated the singing, that he had overestimated Die’s flexibility, so he just waited and watched what would change, if it was just a matter of time and rehearsal. And Die, Die felt stupid, like a fool who couldn’t manage two tasks, who sang for the first time, who got pushed into a position that made him feel as if he had to justify his mistakes and his apparently non-existent talent.<br/>The more Die thought about this cold feeling and the silence between them that started to spread over the next days, weeks, the more Die retreated, cancelled plans, stayed at home. Alone.<br/>Kyo understood, of course, also worked on the other songs in the meantime, took out some back up vocals as he feared he would overwhelm Die with them even more when he couldn’t manage those and was already taking up so much time with that one song.</p><p>It had also become more and more a normality when Die visited Kyo that he stayed over for the night. Even when it wasn’t so late and he’d have regular busses going back home, he’d just stay, fall asleep. And sometimes it even happened that he’d come by, they would watch a movie and Die would fall asleep after some minutes, the exhaustion of a long workday ripping him out of reality.<br/>At first Kyo didn’t really care, he was tired too often, napped off in the studio during lunch break. Then, when it happened the third and fourth time, he freaked out, completely freaked out. He went through his flat, as silent as he could, like a tiger, watching Die being sound asleep. Was this right, was this still what they had opted for? Die felt like at home here with Kyo, did Kyo want this even? They were friends, sure. And Kyo invited him over to his flat, so why bother so much? Was this not right? Was this not, what Kyo wanted and had always denied? Never saw as option?<br/>After some more of those evenings, Die casually coming to stay the night, chatting with Kyo about random other things, Kyo not really paying attention to the content of what Die shared, Kyo started to slowly lose his mind. Was this what Die wanted? Did he boldly take this from Kyo? Was Kyo okay with how their relation proceeded?<br/>That night, Kyo hadn’t spoken a single full sentence, enjoyed this odd new feeling, he laid awake long after Die had already drifted off into blissful sleep. Gently he caressed the guitarist’s cheeks, ran his fingers through his hair and tried to deal with his thoughts. He wasn’t opposed to let this happen, as is seemed to have come naturally between them, but he had never thought it could develop in something… more?</p><p>The odder then it felt when Die cancelled their plans on an evening in the museum. Kyo had proposed to go to an art museum that held a special exhibition and thus was opened until midnight for visitors. It was the first evening, so there’d be for sure many people, Die had said and asked if it was okay to do this next weekend. Kyo had just dismissed it, was tired too actually<br/>Being tired wasn’t why Die had cancelled his plans with Kyo but after almost telling Kaoru no for the probably fifth time now to a video game evening also wasn’t fair. So Die found himself on Kaoru’s couch about an hour after he wrote Kyo and wished him a good night.<br/>“Wow, we really haven’t done in this in some time! Please be gentle, I haven’t played the game yet!” Die laughed out and sat down next to Kaoru, placed two bottles cold beer on the table.<br/>“I haven’t played it either! Toshiya told me about it last week, so I thought you might want to play it through?” Kaoru grinned and started the game.<br/>“He has already played it and didn’t tell me? That fucker!” Die cussed and laughed out loud, bit lip. No, it was okay to call Toshiya names when he wasn’t around? They all did this?<br/>“The game is out since… two months? Have you been sleeping all the time?” Kaoru snickered. Of course he had noted that Die was in the studio longer, worked hard. He had even seen him getting more trained again, though Die had lost some weight, probably due to the stress he put himself under.<br/>“I was working!” Die blurted, slapped the back of his hand against Kaoru’s arm. Kaoru snickered some more, set up their accounts to start with the tutorial, handed Die one controller.<br/>“Shit, this is really hard? Have you set the level so high up?” Die huffed amused as he once again fell down at a bridge he should jump over but always fell down. Kaoru frowned, showed him how he jumped over that point.<br/>“Hm, it doesn’t… I clicked x and up and side really fast?” Kaoru showed him again, tried it himself and immediately let the figure jump over the bridge. Die crouched, wondered why it didn’t work out when he had tried it. He used the same combination as Kaoru?<br/>“I’m really a bit rusty it seems.” He muttered as he had to once again try some jumps and attacks more often than Kaoru.<br/>“Maybe it’s something with the set up of your character? That you need to balance the traits differently?” Kaoru had gotten up once he was finished and got them some snacks on the table as he wanted to be a good host and make feel Die comfortable.<br/>“I don’t know? I’ve set up everything as it’s written in the description for rogue?” again there was this cold feeling, lingering in the back of his mind.<br/>-you’re not good enough-<br/>Die clicked his tongue, put the controller aside. Before he’d snap now out of the blue he lifted the beer and took a big gulp.<br/>“Eh! Don’t trust those, that’s for kids! I’ll call and ask Toshiya, he has played all classes.”</p><p>Half an hour and one beer later Toshiya placed himself between Kaoru and Die and clicked through the tutorial, ran through the first mission basically blind and then enjoyed some sweets Kaoru had brought up too as Toshiya had quite a sweet tooth and Kaoru always had some for the bassist in one of his kitchen drawers.<br/>“See? Easy as walking!” Toshiya laughed out loud and handed Die back the controller. Huffing out silently, Die shook his head and tried himself on the second mission, killing off some enemies, picking up loot.<br/>“There! Up here and… don’t forget there’s a box in the room on the left with a key, then you’ll get extra loot!” Toshiya was giddy to help Die with the mission and he really liked the game and wanted Die to enjoy it too. But his explaining and helping out very much did the opposite until Die was so annoyed by his explanations that he practically shoved the controller in Toshiya’s lap, hissing HE should play the game if he knows it better anyway.<br/>Kaoru frowned a bit, gave Toshiya a glance that very much was like grown mold on a piece of bread. It was only a visible sign that shit had already started to spread within the situation.<br/>To distract Die a bit from this rigid situation Toshiya nudged Die, offered to play a different class that was probably better for his playing style. But even that didn’t ease Die’s mind and at this point he felt so wrong and unable to do anything, he didn’t even manage to play through a stupid tutorial!, that Die wanted to go home and sleep. Or at least to close his eyes and not face his mistakes anymore.<br/>“Sorry,… I’m bringing work troubles into private life!” Die sighed and ran a hand over his face, was so done. He also felt bad for both of them, Toshiya had come around too and Kaoru had looked forward to this evening so much that he prepared snacks and even got Die’s favourite beer. Hell, Die thought Kaoru would HUG him when he for once didn’t decline his invitation and said he’d look forward to a relaxed video games evening! He didn’t want to pull them down with his mindset, his grumpy attitude and his anger about that situation, so he said: “I guess I’d better go home now and let you guys enjoy the game some more!”<br/>Immediately Kaoru got up from the couch again, wasn’t sure if he should… should hold him back? Like a kid that was running away? Die wasn’t a child that needed supervision out on the streets in case he’d jump in front of a car! But he also didn’t want him gone so early. Of course he had sensed that Die hadn’t been feeling well lately, that was why after all he had asked him to some uneventful evening with messing around, having some light conversation and not thinking about such heavy topics or work.<br/>“Hey, hey!” Toshiya almost blurted, grasped onto Die’s hand to pull him back from leaving already.<br/>“Is that one song still bugging you so much?!” Toshiya hit the nail directly on its head. Die flinched back, crossed his arms in front of his chest and huffed out loud, looked up to the ceiling to not stare into the confused faces of his bandmates before he let go of, well, a lot: “It IS that fucking song and it is neither the guitar lines, those are smooth as fuck as always! And it is neither the words or the tempo of the singing, but it’s the combination that I just can’t get straight and as much as I try and try I can’t get over this one part and I know it’ll lack if I just skip that part, so Kyo will probably cut out the whole vocals and that’s also not what I want because the rest works just fine! And I tried it so often, hell I could go on stage already and do this song! But that is because I spent SO MUCH time on that shit and it angers me so much that I practically wasted so much time because I still can’t make it work and we’re gonna ditch it anyway!”<br/>For a too long moment it was too silent, until Kaoru downed the rest of his beer that was almost the whole bottle as he had gotten a new one just a few minutes ago, and then hissed: “This is exactly why I don’t do vocals!”<br/>Toshiya looked between the two guitarists who gave each other a hurt and perplexed look, then sighed: “I think we’ll talk with Kyo? All easy? He won’t rip your head off, I guess he doesn’t quite see the complexity of your riff there?”<br/>“It’s an EASY AS SHIT riff, Toshiya!” Die blurted back, ran his fingers through his hair, mumbled that he maybe was too stupid to do this all.<br/>“Stop this! Don’t insult yourself!” Kaoru scolded him immediately and took out his phone, saying they’d call Kyo now. He wouldn’t send Die home like this, not when he was seemingly under so much pressure to get this done. Kaoru had lost too much sleep over figuring out how to split guitar lines in the past that he knew when to stop things and calm down again.<br/>“He’s probably already sleeping!” Die waved it off with an eyeroll, recalled those evenings when they’d go to bed at eight or latest nine. Kyo needed his sleep, needed his rest and demanded it. He had no problem with Die staying awake longer when he was with him, but he also demanded to keep up his sleep pattern when he was at Die’s place. And usually he went back home for the night when he was at Die’s, had so far always declined to stay the night.<br/>Kaoru shot Die another glance as the phone rang and rang. Toshiya scratched the back of his head, wasn’t sure if he had triggered that situation unintentionally.<br/>Promptly as Kyo took off and asked Kaoru with a rather coarse and sleepy voice what was up, the leader excused for the late call, asked for assurance if he had woken him up.<br/>“Well, if I had been asleep, I wouldn’t have picked up? Just been... napping.” Something was odd, and it wasn’t for the fact that it was shortly before nine, but Kyo didn’t take naps before bed time, he rather fully change in pyjama and go to bed properly. Die relaxed his arms again, waited for how Kaoru would address the problem. And he did it in a very bold way: “Hey, Die’s here and we just talked about the back up vocals, the one’s where he’s… having a bit of a hard time. Was wondering if it would still work if we’d cut that one part in the vocals?”<br/>“Dooon’t…!” Die hissed voicelessly, pressed one hand flat on his face at Kaoru’s words. This would only make the situation worse than it probably already was! Kaoru looked back at Die, shrugged his shoulder and waited for a response. Toshiya tried to stay as silent as he could, was still calming Die down and making him sit down again. Half a minute must have passed as Toshiya asked if Kyo was still there.<br/>“Yeah…. Sure… you also there Totchi?” Kyo asked. Now Die not only wanted to sink back down on the couch but all the way down underneath earth’s surface. This whole situation was awkward, really weird.<br/>“Ah, you’re… having a meeting?!” Kyo asked now, got a bit louder and cleared his throat, was fully focused now. That situation seemed off, why were the three of them meeting up to discuss Die’s problem? After all, it was a problem Die had, maybe because Kyo caused it, but even then, it was something between Kyo and Die, by best Kaoru because he wrote the music sheets.<br/>“No! It’s nine in the evening!” Kaoru laughed, said that they had met up for playing video games. Die could feel himself being pulled into hell, his own selfmade hell and as a deceivingly disappointed “oh” followed from Kyo, Die already saw them discussing, everything going out of hand.<br/>“Well, studio times lately had been getting quite late too, right?”<br/>Die could hear something switch in Kyo’s voice, something he knew too well and hated. A cold shiver ran down Die’s spine, made him pat Kaoru’s shoulder to stop him from saying weird shit: “Yeah has been! Let’s just talk about this tomorrow during studio time, yeah?”<br/>With that said Die hang up and stared at the phone, feared that it would start ringing any second soon.<br/>“Did you just…?” Toshiya snorted, shook his head at Die’s odd behavior.<br/>“I really don’t want to bring work stuff up in private time, okay?” Die explained with a too harsh tone. To calm them all down a bit again, Kaoru teased: “I have a bottle of gin here that I haven’t opened yeeet!?”<br/>Immediately Toshiya whistled, helped Kaoru to get some glasses out, while he joked around to ease the situation up again. After some glasses of gin and the first Star Wars movie Die was laughing and almost back at his usual self.</p><p>That they wouldn’t talk about the vocals straight away was somehow a mutual unspoken decision between them. Kyo didn’t want to approach Die, as it was Die’s problem, Kaoru didn’t want to approach neither Kyo nor Die because he liked the song in both versions, didn’t in particular care if there were back up vocals or not, and Die, he was a bit afraid of the outcome, weighed it for so long, that they had resumed work time and everyone went their way again.<br/>This went on for some more days until Toshiya felt weirdly bugged by the fact that this problem hadn’t come up in their chats so far. In a short break he had asked Kaoru if they should just swap, and Kaoru had only shrugged his shoulder and said, that this was Kyo’s thing. So, after a once again silent and cold studio time Toshiya waited for Die who was the last to finish packing up and offered to go out for a drink that Die happily agreed onto. As they were walking up to Toshiya’s car Die’s phone went off.<br/>Kyo.<br/>Die huffed out silently, put the phone back in his bag. Immediately anger roared up in him. Why did he now call? Why couldn’t he bring up that topic during actual work time?<br/>“Everything’s ‘right?” Toshiya asked with a soft smile, unlocked the car. Die bit his lip, weighed if he should once again bring up this topic, then waved it off.<br/>“Let’s get wasted! I’m so ready to leave work behind for today!” Die sighed and sank into the passenger seat, got the belt secured. Toshiya stared at Die as if he had proposed to fly to the Bahamas.<br/>“If you want to get wasted, don’t you want to do this at home? Where you can pass out on the floor?” Toshiya laughed, started the car. Die shot up, looked over to Toshiya: “That’s a fucking good idea! Can you stop by at the 7/11? I’m afraid I don’t have enough wine at home.”</p><p>Both men sat on the floor, backs against Die’s couch, a controller each in their hands, forgotten for the longest already. Toshiya told him about the one girl he tried to hook up with about two months ago, unsuccessfully and Die laughed. He laughed so much that he completely forgot that Toshiya was his actual work colleague, that they would have to get up early the next day, that there was even one thing troubling him.<br/>“When was your last hook up?! Usually you’d be the one we’d all suspect going home with… well, someone pretty?” Toshiya chuckled, remembered too good that one guy with whom Die had left about half a year ago. Die threw his head back, stared up to the ceiling with his mouth gaping open wide.<br/>“I swear if I’d be gay….!” Toshiya grinned as he saw him in that position. Die snorted loudly, got in a more upright position, giving Toshiya a taunting glance: “A mouth is a mouth right!”<br/>“God STOP it will ya!” Toshiya squealed, was amused by Die’s frank statement.<br/>“Ha, sorry!” Die grinned, turned his head away to look out of the window. It was late at night, Kyo hadn’t called again, was probably in bed already.<br/>“Hey! Man, I still love you!” Toshiya was fast to hold Die’s shoulder, make him turn around again. He didn’t want to come off weird of hurt Die as he seemed so vulnerable lately and they had such a wonderful evening.<br/>“Come say it, as FRIEND!” Die mocked, made Toshiya retreat this hand again and fill their glasses. He didn’t want to go yet, had too much fun. Toshiya hardly remembered the last time only the three of them had a games night and when Kaoru called he literally jumped out of the shower to get dressed and drive up to him. He had missed those relaxed moments, those moments where they bonded and got stronger again, were retouching their relations towards each other as more than work colleagues. The bassist always saw it as important to stay in touch with the inner world and with his surroundings, especially when he was creative and opened up so much for others to have them be part of his creativity.<br/>“You know how I mean it!” Toshiya shot back, squeezed Die’s hand once again. But suddenly Die retreated his hand, clutched it tight on his chest and closed his eyes: “You’re breaking my heart!”<br/>Toshiya’s mouth fell open for a second, then his lips lifted to a vile grim: “That was a Star Wars reference right! NO SPOILERS I SAID!”<br/>Both men burst into laughter, shaking uncontrollably until Toshiya pulled Die closer, looked him straight in the eyes: “We need to call Kaoru!”<br/>“Yes!” Die nodded approvingly, then: “Why?”<br/>“We need to watch Star Wars!” Toshiya took Die’s phone as it was on the table, typed in Kaoru’s number. It was the only number he knew by heart, not even his own he knew.<br/>“Leader-sama! You really haven’t changed that stupid name?” Toshiya shouted as Die got up to clean some plates. It was late anyway, Toshiya would stay on the couch it seemed, so he could tidy up a bit at least.<br/>“YOU were the one that saved his contact in my phone like this!” Die gave back, started washing the plates and putting them on a drying rack next to the sink.<br/>“Kaoru! Yeah, no Die’s alive and well! Yes, yes! We need to watch Star Wars! No, not now! Good!” Die chuckled lowly as he listened to Toshiya calling Kaoru. Apparently he had woken him up as Toshiya repeated his words again.<br/>“Friday night! We’re gonna do a Star Wars marathon he said!” Toshiya concluded. Die took up a dirty glass, wanted to clean this for now too and return again, prepare the couch for Toshiya to stay.<br/>“Hey, uh, Die?” scrub, scrub, scrub. He was drunk and tired, should have head to bed earlier already. But it was so much fun with Toshiya and he hadn’t had such a relaxed evening for so long.<br/>“You got a missed call from Kyo? Have you talked with him already?” scrub, scrub and a clank. Glass splitters dug themselves in Die’s palm, made him gasp. Blood dripped over his palm faster than he could understand what had just happened. Kyo had called, Die had forgotten, was too… busy? mending his friendship with Toshiya because Toshiya was his friend and so was Kyo?<br/>“Die?” once again Toshiya called for his colleague, then decided to go up and see why he wasn’t responding.<br/>“Die…? Are you… oh-“ Toshiya interrupted himself immediately as he saw the red lines down the cabinets underneath the sink.<br/>“Oh my god, sorry!” Die waved off as he realized what had happened, put a kitchen towel on his hand to stop the bleeding.<br/>“Stop, wait. Breathe!” Toshiya took the cloth from his hand, turned the water on cold and looked at Die’s face. He seemed hurt, distant, so not like the man with whom he had joked just some minutes ago.</p><p>Die clicked his tongue, stretched his fingers against the restricting material.<br/>Toshiya had helped him yesterday, picked out the little shards and put on gauze, stayed up with him some longer and even prepared breakfast so Die wouldn’t start skipping meals again. If he was so head-deep away from them, then they all better watch out for each other. Toshiya also felt the distance between Die and Kyo, what wasn’t unusual if it was over a short period of time, a few days, by maximum a week. But this odd avoidance wedged between the vocalist and Die for too long.<br/>Kaoru had the same understanding as Toshiya, that Die apparently was too scared to talk with Kyo about this so he took it upon himself to ask Kyo for something to calm this situation again.<br/>“Did… did Die send you or what?” Kyo hissed back, felt trapped in their little meeting room. Kaoru scrunched his nose, shook his head: “No! I’m here on my own behalf because it seems as if you two haven’t talked about that part? Die doesn’t… I don’t know how to say? He’s an amazing guitarist, but he can’t manage that? That’s nothing bad, he isn’t untalented!”<br/>“Am I overstraining him?!” Kyo shot back, got angry at Die and angry at himself. Kaoru shrugged his shoulder, said the he too would feel overwhelmed with this, but he also was out of training anyway to concentrate on two things happening at the same time.<br/>“You should definitely talk with each other about that. It’s just a minor thing?” Kaoru gave Kyo a heads up, patted his shoulder as he went back to work on the other songs.<br/>As much as Kyo tried to understand the situation, he also couldn’t wrap his head around the coldness he was greeted with by Die. It was all he had offered him lately and it left him feeling alone too much.</p><p> </p><p>Die hadn’t really called back, nor written with Kyo about the museum anymore and Kyo also didn’t want to ask again, come off needy. Instead he had asked Takumi, who always appreciated fine arts and enjoyed quiet time together. He was a very silent companion, that was something that made Kyo feel a bit better about his own lack of motivation to start conversations. Tour life with the sukekiyo-team was easier, it seemed to Kyo.</p><p>As the last evening of that special feature came around, Die took up all his courage and wrote Kyo, if he was up for the museum trip. Now it was Kyo who ignored the vibration of his phone, felt mocked that Die had waited until the last minute.<br/>The next morning came faster and was colder than Kyo had thought. Not any further message came from Die and Kyo wanted to scream. On the one side he wanted Die to call, to get back at him, maybe even to invite himself, and another part wanted some relaxed time with good art and low chats with Takumi that he had really missed. And one so sly part wanted Die to spontaneously await him at the museum.<br/>Shaking his head once more over his thoughts Kyo slapped close his work booklet and stared out of the window, decided to go home and rest. He couldn’t stand being in the same room as Die today, even if they didn’t talk with each other. Or especially because of that reason. After his quick goodbye and almost rushing out of the studio Kaoru let out a deep sigh. It seemed that they still hadn’t talked and either both men were too stubborn to give in or something else was happened that none of them really understood.<br/>“I kinda don’t feel up for this today either. I don’t know if it’s the weather…?” Shinya pouted, glanced over to Kaoru and Toshiya. He knew exactly he needed another one of them to call it a day and he also knew that Toshiya would give in faster than Die.<br/>Hooked – “Same, I feel more up for some time at home. Today’s a hot soup weather kinda day.”<br/>“What are you gonna put in the soup?” Shinya asked immediately, was undecided what he would cook for himself tonight. Toshiya stared up, ignored Kaoru’s annoyed glance. For as long as he kept silent, Toshiya could give his best to make Kaoru also want to go home: “I would first of all roast some onions and ginger! Maybe garlic gloves? And add cinnamon! Trust me on that!”<br/>Shinya nodded curiously, put the sticks away and gave Toshiya his full attention.<br/>“Then, well you’d need broth! I recommend vegetable broth as it isn’t so… fatty? Then put this in, let it simmer a bit. Put in carrots and potatoes, some chickpeas too. When it’s all done, mix it and add coconut –“ – “God, stop talking Toshiya, I haven’t had lunch today!” Kaoru interrupted him, pressed his eyes shut and frowned. Listening to how Toshiya would cook made Kaoru hungry.<br/>Toshiya and Shinya chuckled lightly, it seemed to work apparently. Better than expected as Toshiya fluted: “I’d invite you over…”<br/>“You’re tricking me into not working with food! I see!” Kaoru sighed, had to hold back smiling. Toshiya leaned back, let his head come to a rest in his neck: “Does it work?”<br/>Kaoru clicked his tongue, put the guitar aside: “You know me too well.”<br/>Grinning like a fool Toshiya got up from his chair, packed his things and told Shinya the way to his flat as the drummer hadn’t visited since Toshiya moved a moved months ago.<br/>“Die, you’re also coming, right!” Toshiya more the less stated, didn’t accept a no. For a short moment he hesitated, then Shinya proposed to pick him up as Die’s flat was on the way for him anyway, so he had no way out of this and gave in.</p><p>Just on time, Shinya shot Die a quick message that he was already waiting, a blue car, he was parked right in front of the address. Die took his bag and keys, jumped down the stairs and waved at Shinya, got in the car.<br/>“Is this… a new car?” Die asked perplexed, got the seatbelt secured and looked around. The car seemed really new, clean, in good condition, so the more he was perplexed when Shinya said that he had that car for around eight years already.<br/>“Huh? I think I’ve never seen that car? Where do you usually park when you come to the studio?” Die had never seen a blue car in the parking garage, or at any close venue when they held lives.<br/>“The studio is about 20 minutes walk-way from my flat. I walk.” Shinya nodded, concentrated on the traffic. Die made a little surprised “oh”, looked down on his hands. He didn’t know Shinya lived that close to the studio.<br/>“But – “ Die wetted his lips, was quite sure that Shinya didn’t recently moved to that flat: “ why did you never join us after studio time to go to a bar or have some dinner together when you can easily drink and walk home then?”<br/>Shinya stopped the car at Toshiya’s place, turned his head slightly to Die: “I did. You have stopped joining us some months ago. Before that… I had no motivation to do so and worked on Seraph.”<br/>Guilt crept up immediately. Had Die forgotten their rare come togethers? So easily got rid of them and spent time with Kyo instead? Sure, he enjoyed spending time with Kyo, it was different than hanging out with Kaoru or Toshiya, drinking beer and having some barbeque and snacks.<br/>“How, how does it go actually with Seraph? You haven’t talked much about that?” Die asked instead, tried to shove other thoughts away as they walked up to Toshiya’s door and got greeted immediately by Kaoru. Toshiya was starting some music, blurted a “hello” to the front.<br/>“Suit yourself!” Kaoru nodded, went back and flopped down on the couch again.<br/>“Well, you never asked? But good, thank you!” again guilt flamed up, made Die feel uneasy. Did he really never ask things as Shinya said? Was this some kind of accusation, that Die was uninterested in their lives?<br/>“I don’t know… I mean Kyo always talks about sukekiyo?” Die shot back, couldn’t remember a time when he asked the vocalist, he just talked about it.<br/>“What?” Kaoru and Shinya looked back at Die as if he had just said something really weird. And to them it was weird, as Kyo never brought up his side project during their studio time. The most he had talked with Kaoru, and only to plan the schedule for the concerts as two would have overlapped with studio time.<br/>“Uh, yeah? At least when I talk with him?” Die waved off, felt heat on his back and neck. Not, that they were doing their meet-ups in secret, but they also had no intentions to let everyone know that they met for casual sex.<br/>“You TALK with him?” Shinya shot back and really suited himself as Kaoru said, took a bottle of water and one of the prepared snacks, leaned onto the header of the couch. Kaoru lifted one eyebrow, was curious what Die would say now, if he had already talked with him.<br/>“Yeah! Sure!?” Die squinted his eyes, helped himself to some beer, but then again, he could get drunk, gin would do the thing faster.<br/>“Have you talked with him lately? Because he seems so… I don’t know?” Shinya kept poking, steering something in Die that made him shot back in an abrasive voice: “Yes, of course I talk with him!”<br/>“Jeez… hot topic or what?” Toshiya groaned, hat set up the speakers and some pop song was filling the air, lifting the atmosphere a bit.<br/>“Yes, hot, then cold again, and now hot again, like pasta in a microwave!” Die rolled his eyes, downed the whole glass of lemon sour that he had poured himself, and got himself another helping.<br/>“The best I get when I put pasta in the microwave is, that it explodes…” Kaoru murmured.<br/>“Oh guys! Come ooooon, one evening without work but GAMES!” Toshiya whined, had already prepared the playstation for a game for all four of them. He got that game some time ago and hadn’t had the chance to play it with three other people so far.<br/>“Right, let’s enjoy this evening!” Shinya nodded and got on the couch, waited for Die to follow him and sit down. Die clicked his tongue, bit no his lips as he added in his mind “without Kyo”.</p><p>The more they all drank, the more open they got, praised Toshiya’s cooking skills. Good thing that Shinya didn’t drink or else he would have agreed on going to a cooking course with Toshiya. The game was forgotten already after the first few rounds. Kaoru was not a good player when he drank. It didn’t need much for him to be tipsy but he couldn’t play anymore, messed up the combinations and lost his life all the time so they had moved on to some other games and ended up with a drinking game that Shinya had agreed on to play for one round, without any alcoholic drink, and would then head home. He didn’t even have to make sure Die would stay some more and enjoy himself as Toshiya offered Die to stay, too. Kaoru gave him a short glance, stated that the long end of the couch was his spot already.</p><p>“Okay guys, I love you so much… please don’t wake me up, except… if there’s fire or something, you know! Love you, good night!” Toshiya lulled, swayed along the short hallway to his bedroom. He didn’t even bother to close the door, fell onto his bed immediately. With a soft sigh Kaoru sank back on the couch, smiled all to himself in the darkness. He hadn’t had so much fun in a long time, apart from their video games evening a few days ago. He had missed those careless evenings, hanging out, not focusing on work all the time, just getting the head away from work.<br/>“Kaoru?” Die’s voice was shallow and Kaoru almost didn’t hear him over his thoughts. Lowly humming he turned around, shifted his head to hear Die who had turned around to have his head in the corner of the L shaped couch.<br/>“It was really a nice evening.” Die bit his lip, didn’t even know why he was saying this now, but it felt right, letting Kaoru know that he had enjoyed this, needed this. Kaoru laughed silently, then got up too and moved around. With one hand he took some strand of Die’s hair, twisted them between his fingers: “You had a good time?”<br/>Die leaned into the gentle touch, pulled the blanket up over his shoulders: “Yeah. I’m so… thankful that I got you guys.”<br/>Kaoru smiled again, patted Die’s head until he felt some shaking, shivering.<br/>“Hey… what is it?” Kaoru whispered, felt Die’s hand reaching out for him, holding tightly. Die wetted his lips, shook his head. He didn’t even know where to begin with, wanted to tell Kaoru everything. Not only about that song, Kyo, his relation towards and with Kyo. He wanted to tell him everything that had happened that it came so far, that he felt so wrong and so vulnerable, was so scared. He wanted to, knew that he could talk it all out and Kaoru would still be there the next day.<br/>“I love you. I think I really, really love you.”<br/>For a second it was all too familiar uncomfortable silent until Kaoru whispered fearfully: “As…as friend?”<br/>Die burst out laughing, nodded: “Of course! Oh god!”<br/>Silently Kaoru turned his head, let his forehead touch Die’s forehead. And wiped away some hot tears. He knew Die was in some pain, that something was haunting him. Kaoru had never been someone to push others when it came to personal things, took silence far better than being lied to. So he waited, let Die speak or not speak about it. Being there for him seemed as if it was all he could do these days and he hoped it was enough.<br/>“I think… you are the only person whom I truly trust.” Die whispered, felt a warm hand on his head again.<br/>“You can also trust yourself.”</p><p> </p><p>Why and whatever reason was behind it, if there was some reason behind it, Kyo had asked Die if he wanted to come over to his place. And it seemed as if everything was normal. They had some brief chats. Die asked about the museum, said he was happy that he could enjoy it with Takumi before the exhibition would end. Kyo asked if he had enjoyed the video game evening he had held with Toshiya and Kaoru and Die nodded, bit his lips as ever too often lately. He didn’t really want to talk about that, or what they had talked during their evenings. Because, it was not only one evening and somehow Die felt bad, guilty. Were they excluding Kyo? But if they’d ask, if he wanted to come too, he’d say no anyway? So why ask in first place, if not only as gesture of friendliness?</p><p>To pick up the pieces where they had left Kyo proposed to watch a movie. It was an odd relieve to Die’s mind, that he wouldn’t have to fill the silence between them with words, he might regret saying because he wanted to talk, but didn’t know how to approach this big massive thing that spread between him and everyone around. Last weekend he had a feeble moment of courage to tell Kaoru that he trusted him and he was afraid he’d speak up more often about what was going on in his mind, really going on deep in there.<br/>Propped under a blanket Kyo and Die started the movie, tried to relax. It didn’t take Die long to let his shoulders sink down, give in to the comfort of feeling Kyo’s body pressed cautiously against his side. To give in and not give him the cold shoulder for all eternity, Die lifted his arm and pulled Kyo closer, drew a short giggle from the vocalist that Die responded immediately with a gentle kiss on his head. Kyo nuzzled his head against Die’s wanted to be closer again. It had felt so cold and cruel lately, he felt alone and even if he knew they weren’t together, he missed that closeness that they had before.<br/>“Hey Die…” Kyo started, tried it that way. He for sure had missed out some things that usually came up during their meet-ups that they hadn’t had lately. A low hum followed, Kyo placed one hand on Die’s thigh, didn’t want to come off as if he was controlling him or asking weird questions: “I’ve tried that one recipe you told me about last time? It was quite good, might add other spices, but… um… I thought about cooking it on the weekend when you’d come over?”<br/>“Hm, oh… that one with the pineapple?” Die looked at the screen, ran one hand over Kyo’s head to give him some reassurance that he was listening.<br/>“Yeah. I thought it would be nice… you know… to have your company a bit longer than just… one short evening…?” did he sound too needy? Was it too restricting? Die didn’t immediately react, maybe he should give him a hint…? Slowly Kyo turned around, kissed Die’s neck, drew a gasp from his lips.<br/>“The-the weekend?” Die cleared his throat, felt Kyo’s hand softly squeezing his thigh, sliding further up. He couldn’t stop himself from leaning into the touch, as much as he wanted to pay attention to the movie and listen to what Kyo was saying.<br/>“Mhmm… I’ve missed this quite a lot…” with one firm touch Kyo’s hand was between Die’s legs, stroking over his growing erection, pulling more and more moans from Die’s lips.<br/>“Ah… hm… yeah, I, I’d go and see Toshiya on Saturday.” Die frowned, tried to stay concentrated. He had promised the bassist to go on a hiking trip together to not always stay glued in front of the screen. Kaoru had noped out of this before Toshiya could even ASK him, he wanted to write on a new idea anyway.<br/>“Are you…” Kyo stopped his movements, slid away a few centimeters and looked at Die closely: “Are you… avoiding me?”<br/>He couldn’t even hold back sounding as he did, vile and jealous and angry and hurt. Immediately Die clicked the pause button, sighed that he couldn’t concentrate on all those things at once. It was as with this god damn song!<br/>“We’re going hiking! We… we can meet up on Sunday? I’ll maybe be a tad bit tired, I don’t know the route yet. But Sunday I’m all free!” Die tried to calm Kyo down, cupped his cheek and gave him a firm kiss. With a whispered “okay” between the next kisses Kyo shoved that first so odd feeling away, discarded some of his thoughts.<br/>Just as Die wanted to click on the pause button again to resume on watching the movie, Kyo let out a silent groan, ran his fingers up Die’s thigh with more pressure, making the guitarist look over to him.<br/>“Do we have to go to the bedroom…?” Kyo snickered, clicked on pause once again. Die looked perplexed at Kyo, his eyes fluttered for a moment until he realized their situation: “Ha, sorry. I was a bit… absent minded!”<br/>Kyo got up on his knees, placed himself on Die’s lap. Kissing him with a bit more force, running his fingers through Die’s hair made him moan into their kiss. His mouth fell open as Kyo grinded their hips together, ran his tongue over Die’s.<br/>“But…” Die was kissed silent again, grinned against Kyo’s lips as he felt a sneaky hand tugging on his shirt, shoving it upwards already. Die always loved Kyo’s hunger, that he bluntly went for it when he felt comfortable with someone.<br/>“Bedroom sounds good?” Die snickered. Kyo cupped Die’s cheeks, kissed him once more before he practically fled from the couch.</p><p>Kyo was more than horny, it was painful and so he opened his jeans already, wriggled himself out of the shirt. Die let his hands run over his back as he followed him up to the bedroom, appreciated the view he was allowed to have before he sank onto the mattress in front of Kyo, shoving his own shirt over his head. Promptly Kyo was over him, kissed his chest and stomach, down to his hips. With experienced fingers he got Die out of his jeans, pulled them down. He was beautiful, so fucking beautiful that Kyo felt another heat wave in his core, wanted to bury his fingers in his shoulders when he’d hold him and take him.<br/>“Turn around.” Kyo whispered, got out of his own jeans and walked over to his nightstand where he had lube and condoms in the drawer. As he walked back to the end of the bed he already rolled on the condom, crawled up on the mattress. Die was spreading his legs, waited if Kyo wanted him up on his knees or rather that way.<br/>-beautiful- Kyo put a kiss on Die’s back, squeezed some lube on his fingers and moved forward, eased Die.</p><p>Was it, because they hadn’t done much lately, or still something occupying Die’s mind, he couldn’t fully relax to the touches that usually sent him to heaven. After the usual prep Die still felt some pain that wouldn’t go away no matter how he shifted his hips, told himself to relax until he reached the point he was so tensed up from not being able to relax that he turned his head to the side, patted on the mattress.<br/>“Huh?” Kyo stopped abruptly as he saw the faint gestured, laid one hand on the small of Die’s back.<br/>“Could we… stop? It… hurts today.” Die whispered, felt so vulnerable as he heard his own voice almost breaking.<br/>“S-Sure! Sorry… wait.” Kyo moved back carefully, held Die’s hips in place until he was sitting next to him, rolling off the condom and watching Die. The guitarist frowned, didn’t even understand why he was still so tensed up, when everything seemed to normalize again?<br/>“Are you… okay, Die?” Kyo asked, stroked over Die’s arms as he seemed so distant again. Die nodded, waved it off with a quick smile, saying he was a bit too deep in his thoughts. Kyo took note, offered Die to lay back. Quickly he left for the bathroom to dispose of the condom and take up a cloth to wash Die. Walking back, Die laid on his back, eyes closed, both legs already up on the heels. He was breathing calmly, arms and shoulders seemed relaxed. Paying more attention than usually Kyo sat down next to him, wanted to start cleaning him up from the lube as Die suddenly flinched back, gasped for air with a high pitched sound.<br/>“Die!?” Kyo didn’t understood what was going on, if Die had drifted off so far, that he got startled by Kyo touching him. Promptly Die pressed his palms over his eyes, took some deep breaths.<br/>“Should I stop?” Kyo asked, retreated his hand and the cloth again as Die nodded silently, pursed his lips. Kyo walked back to the bathroom to put the cloth in the sink. For a moment he looked at himself in the mirror, looked for something that could scare Die. But he wasn’t scared of his looks? He knew him? Did he hurt him? Was he too rough? The longer Kyo stared at his naked silhouette, the angrier he got at himself, that he wasn’t good for Die, that he wasn’t likeable, didn’t fit. Taking a deep breath himself, Kyo went back again, took up his boxer pants and put them on, pulled a shirt out of the wardrobe.<br/>“Sorry… I didn’t want to ruin the night.” Die pressed out through gritted teeth, didn’t understand why he was apologizing but he felt like apologizing. Maybe this would make this weird feeling go away. Shaking his head and getting up now himself to get dressed, Die gave his best to breathe calmly and not give in his thoughts as they were screaming that he was a fucking looser, a nobody, untalented, not lovable, ugly, worthless, disgusting.<br/>“No, you didn’t.” Kyo frowned, said: “I rather wonder, what… if there’s something to make you calm down or soothe you?”<br/>Die could only offer a tired smile, didn’t know either. A hot bath and a whole bottle of wine he joked.<br/>“Well, it’s late anyway, bedtime, right? I’d go then.” Die murmured, felt like running away and not moving at all. His limbs were heavy, like glued onto the bed he found himself on again. Blinking against the drowsiness he got up, swayed for a second before he got a grip of himself again and dragged his body to the entry.</p><p>This heavy tiredness didn’t leave Die, even not after he slept for so long that he missed the first few hours rehearsal and came rushing in after lunch. Not even two espresso shots made that day any better or bearable. Instead of sitting longer and trying some new parts Kaoru had prepared for him, Die went home and straight up to his bed, sank into a dreamless sleep.<br/>He dreamed of things, situations, all too common, until he woke himself up, his heart racing, sweat making his clothes stick to his body. For some minutes he couldn’t move his legs to go and take a shower, was lying in the bed as the world around him tumbled. For some minutes he thought about calling Kaoru, telling him everything, without leaving out the bad parts as he had done ever too often when he sat through 50 minutes of punishment that called itself ‘therapy’. But, could he really burden Kaoru with this knowledge? What if he didn’t want to know Die so well? How would that change their friendship? Would Kaoru be… disgusted? And he’d for sure ask why he came up with all this right now and in what relation this was towards the real problem, those shitty back up vocals.<br/>The more Die thought about it, the worse it got and nausea made him get up and leave for the bathroom.</p><p>As the weekend came around and Die didn’t feel much better leaving on Friday, he thought about calling the hiking trip off. Maybe he needed some uninterrupted sleep? The past days he had woken up before his alarm went off, just a few minutes before, his body in some alert state, ready to get up and leave the coziness of the bed.<br/>Taking out his phone from the bag after waving Shinya goodbye and watching him the last few meters if he was crossing the street safely, Die clicked open his chats, promptly saw a message from Kyo that had come in about an hour ago, asking if he was catching a cold. Quickly he shot him back a reply, that he was exhausted from work, but all healthy. He didn’t feel any cold coming around, that would show different in him losing his appetite promptly and not standing the smell or taste of coffee.<br/>Was Kyo checking on him if he would cancel their plans for Sunday? Of course, Kyo had to make sure to stay healthy, especially not catching a cold or inflammation on his throat. That would throw their plans back for a month. Or was he checking if Die would find an excuse to not meet?</p><p>Die thought so long about Kyo’s question – he was a friend and his work colleague, of course they asked each other if they were healthy when one looked a bit more exhausted? – that Saturday came around in a blink and Die had missed catching up on Toshiya. If he’d cancel now an hour before they were going to meet up, he’d feel so guilty, that it would make everything worse and he’d also cancel Kyo. So Die packed his backpack that stood prepared on the shelf in his bedroom, got some water and snacks and hurried to the bus station to go to Toshiya’s place as Toshiya would drive a bit out of the city to a nice place he had found recently and wanted to explore some more.<br/>Toshiya didn’t mind Die’s silence, even if he was used to the more talkative side of his band mate. The weather was almost perfect, not too cold for spring, cloudless, the air smelled fresh from rain a few days ago, birds were chirping. The wind that blew through the trees was an uncommon background music to their walk, brought Die some peace of mind.<br/>“It’s gonna get a bit more uphill from here on, all fine for you?” Toshiya carefully checked on Die, was not used to so much silence as their latest encounters had been all fun and chats and giggles or at least, talking!<br/>“Uh, sure!” Die nodded, gave Toshiya a smile, thankful that he asked: “Sorry that I’m so quiet.”<br/>Immediately Die bit his lip, called himself out for always feeling like he needed to justify himself. Why did he do this? Toshiya would understand this anyway? There was no need to always talk?<br/>Anger roared up in Die, made him take bigger steps and of course he got muddled after some meters, slipped and fell on his knees.<br/>“Oh, take care! Are you alright?” Toshiya laid his hands on Die’s shoulders, helped him up and looked on his palms if he didn’t scratch himself.<br/>“God, sorry! Yes, yes…” Die shook his head, felt lightheaded. He was so tired actually, the more steps they made the more he wanted to sit down and cry. Like a child would do so until it got lifted up by its parent and carried to bed.<br/>“Kaoru will BEHEAD me if something happens!” Toshiya muttered, patted on Die’s shoulder once more. Die frowned, didn’t understand: “Why Kaoru?”<br/>Why not Kaoru? He was their bandleader, of course he’d behead Toshiya AND Die. Who else? Kyo? Because then Die wouldn’t come the next day?<br/>“You’re his… best friend?” Toshiya shook his head perplexed: “Kaoru once had a … oh how to say… briefing with my ex girlfriend?”<br/>“What?” Die stared up to Toshiya, then down on the path again careful to not slip again. ‘Best friend best friend best friend’ – and Die couldn’t even trust him enough to entrust himself to Kaoru, to tell him what was going on.<br/>“Eh, we were a bit… ah, rough?” Toshiya laughed voicelessly, blushed in embarrassedly. Promptly Die groaned, plead for Toshiya to stop talking and spare him of details.<br/>“He just… he cares, he deeply cares about our wellbeing.” Toshiya frowned, couldn’t remember one time he had felt anything else but completely safe with Kaoru. He knew, everyone of them knew, if shit would go down they could always call Kaoru. Maybe this wouldn’t spare them getting scolded afterwards, but they knew they could always rely on him.<br/>Toshiya nodded over to a nice spot to sit down and take a break, took out his water bottle. It really was a good day, even if they were slower than Toshiya had planned, it felt okay as it was. It was a relieve to touch up on Die after those past months where they all saw him retreat more and more, was so distant. Sure, they didn’t need to stick together all the time as they spent most of the day together anyway. But they had missed their careless evenings and that personal being together.<br/>To not overdo so fast again as Die reached out for them after his retreating, Toshiya proposed to go down again. Die nodded in relieve, was glad he wasn’t the one to call it a day. He still was so tired and drained and the hike neither made it better nor worse. Die couldn’t wait for the moment he’d get home again and flop onto the bed. As he got up though, he flopped face forward on the ground, could hardly put his arms in front of his body as his legs gave in and everything around him went black for some seconds.</p><p>“Should I bring you … katsudon? I cooked some more, for tomorrow.” Shinya proposed, stood in his flat and stared at the muted TV. There wasn’t anything good on TV anyway so he wouldn’t mind a beeline over to Die’s.<br/>Die sighed heavy, rolled his eyes and was sure Shinya could make this out even if he was on phone: “I’m not ILL, and you know I don’t like pork.”<br/>“Ah, I forgot! My apologies!” Shinya scrunched his nose, how could he forget! Running his hand over his face, he asked if Die would come to studio again tomorrow, or if he talked with Kaoru about some days off to recharge energies. Die denied, said he would need some more sleep and then he’d be fine anyway.<br/>What Die really needed, was some peace of mind, that he didn’t allow himself. After blanking out during his hike with Toshiya they drove back to Die’s place, Toshiya checking his temperature, almost calling Kaoru for assistance as if he was dealing with a little child and wasn’t sure what to do. To some point Die felt like a little child, couldn’t say what would ease his mind, what would calm him down. The problem with the back up vocals was still sitting in the back of his mind, giving him a headache.<br/>“Okay… then, rest well. And Die! We love you, you know this? We do, I do. I love you, right? Sleep well.” Shinya said, hoped that Die wouldn’t beat himself up for being a bit weak once in a while.<br/>“Gooood, you sound like my grandma!” Die squealed, then laughed: “But I love her dearly and I love you too Shinya, thanks for checking on me!”</p><p> </p><p>Die could tell something was absolutely wrong as he entered the studio on Wednesday and saw that Kyo here too again. The vocalist had been working with Takumi and Mika the past days, hadn’t really actively approached Die after he had cancelled their Sunday plans.<br/>Of course he’d cancel their plans, of course he’d write him a message on Sunday morning that he wouldn’t come over later, of course he didn’t explain anything or tell him what was going on.<br/>But why should Die? He didn’t need to justify himself? They weren’t together and sometimes Die also liked having some time to himself, off from work and anything exhausting. Not, that meeting friends or doing his hobbies was stressful, but it took up energies he didn’t have anymore right now.<br/>Kyo passed the two guitarists on his way to the back of the studio room, gave Kaoru a short nod, that he was here for work and ready to work on some songs. Die watched Kyo pass him without any note and on that odd behavior Kaoru shot Die a frowning glance.<br/>“Hi!” Die shouted as Kyo sat down at his table. Nothing came back, Toshiya and Shinya were here already since the early morning hours, no one else had entered the room whom Die could greet other than Kyo. Die pursed his lips, stared past Kaoru who still was watching over him, waiting for that second this situation would escalate. Honestly, Die was fed up, so fed up that he took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he breathed out slowly before he’d punch something.<br/>“Kyo? Word!” on Kaoru’s voice Kyo turned around, kept standing with the back towards Die.<br/>“Yeah?” he asked, voice as calm and smooth as always.<br/>“Not with me, Die.” Kaoru gestured towards Die, turned to his sheets again to give them some space that they apparently needed.<br/>“Okay?” Kyo frowned perplexed, turned towards Die. He didn’t want to go up to Die, didn’t want to go closer or else – <br/>Leaning back against the table, Kyo looked over to the guitarist, waited for what he’d have to say. He wouldn’t start now, didn’t even know WHERE to start as there were so many things that had accumulated over the past weeks that made his blood boil.<br/>“Um… about those … vocals.” – that I’m apparently too stupid to manage; Die bit his lip, looked away, hoped, prayed that Kaoru would say anything, would help him! He had started this mess and backed off the second this little flame ignited.<br/>“That you still haven’t figured out yet?” Kyo replied, wanted to hear why Die didn’t do them, what held him back. Some days ago he had asked Takumi to play Die’s guitar riff and do the back up vocals and he managed them quite well after a few tries. So what was Die’s problem?<br/>“I have figured out that I cannot do them. Not now, not yet, not … not in a month!” Die grumbled, felt weak and stupid for giving in and thus, giving up. He had lost so much sleep and time over those parts and it seemed in vain.<br/>“So, you refuse to do them?” Kyo asked, was confused now why Die was so abrasive, refused this so much.<br/>Die shook his head, said: “Just this one sequence! I can’t get this…done.”<br/>“Okay, then we’re gonna cancel the vocals for that song.” Kyo bluntly stated, got a prompt “What?!” from Die AND Toshiya.<br/>“Wouldn’t fit the whole song anymore.” Kyo shrugged his shoulders, had expected this to happen. He actually had long ago already concluded for himself that this song would end up without any back up vocals, so he’d now have at least a confirmation to mess with his lyrics a bit to make the song work again.<br/>“So you cut mine too?!” Toshiya squealed, didn’t understand Kyo’s decision. Immediately Die turned around, stared at Toshiya’s angry face and felt all that anger on him. HE was the one that took this chance from Toshiya, just because Die was too stupid to do his own vocals, Toshiya was stripped off that joy.<br/>“It’s just that one sequence here? Is it really that tragic if none of them sings during that time stamp?” Kaoru groaned, saw himself already packing up for this week and dismissing them to calm down, each on their own.<br/>“Is it tragic if we cut the drumming in the middle of the song?” Kyo shot back, made Shinya whine: “Keep ME out of this please!”<br/>“Why is this such a problem now again?” Kaoru groaned, thought that they had somehow talked about this and found another solution or some kind of compromise.<br/>“Again? It never was not a problem!” Kyo grumbled, ran his hand over his face. This was not what he thought would happen and so exactly what he thought would happen.<br/>“Oh, a hot topic, I see…” Toshiya sighed and nodded over to Shinya, asked if he wanted to take a break and leave the battlefield before they’d all get collateral damage. Those three men could turn into the worst combination when angered or pissed off. One of them alone was already scary, but if they would now turn against each other, hell would seem like a nice place for holidays.<br/>“And why are YOU defending Die now if HE has a problem with MY lyrics?!” Kyo sank onto the table even more, felt his legs and arms trembling. If he’d be standing, he’d probably stomp out of the studio in some seconds, but that didn’t solve any problems, caused more as it seemed.<br/>“Because he’s my best friend?” – “Keep friendship out of this!” – “Not if you are unreasonably cold and unfair.” – “This is a work problem! And Die’s my friend too.” – “Who are you?! The friendship-police?”<br/>All those words that Kyo and Kaoru shot at each other to make the other retreat only ended in hurting Die. Pressing his eyes and lips shut, he let his head sink into his hands, hid his face as tears washed over his cheeks.<br/>“Oh I think I get this now with pasta in the microwave!” Shinya muttered, tug<br/>ed on Toshiya’s sleeve to leave the studio room before the explosion would hit them.<br/>“Stop! Please!” Die squealed as more and more accusations flew around, made him feel like a complete and utter asshole. Kyo hesitate, one moment too long.<br/>“Die!” Promptly Kaoru put the guitar aside and walked up to Die, took his guitar and put it aside too. Cautiously Kaoru kneeled down next to Die, tried to put his hands off from his face so they could understand what he was mumbling. But it only made Die shudder even more, press his hands tighter on his face to hide this ugly grimace.<br/>“Okay, okay.” Kaoru mumbled, squeezed his wrist and arm gently, as careful reminder that he was there.<br/>“I can’t do this anymore… this!” Die huffed, gestured with one hand towards Kyo, who still stood spellbound at the table, unable to say something or move. Composing himself to the point he was able to ask Kaoru to leave them for a minute, Die took some more breaths, tried to mend his thoughts and words before he faced Kyo, this time for real: “I can’t give you all of me, that you want or need apparently…. I just can’t do this.”<br/>For another moment Die inhaled the air deeply, let his thoughts race in his mind. ‘Make it or break it’, and too often Die didn’t make it, wasn’t serious or honest. Because one time, he had given him all and it broke, broke him.<br/>“We’re not talking about the song, huh?” Kyo sighed, understood that connection now a bit. Did he push too much, interpreted too much, demanded too much that Die never wanted to give?<br/>“No.” Die’s lips contorted to an ugly and defeated smile. He knew this was over now, something of the past. Maybe he had known earlier already, when this first so little feeling of uncomfortableness set in.<br/>“I mean… we’re not in a relationship…?” Kyo sighed, felt guilty but also mocked and played. Were they dishonest?<br/>“Yeah! But at some point…. It felt so much like it?” Die frowned, didn’t know what it exactly was, that made him feel so trapped and so at unease.<br/>“Did you… feel uncomfortable?” Kyo asked immediately, knew that he could leave people feeling uncomfortable. Hell, he used this sometimes to keep people away from him!<br/>“No, no! Absolutely not!” Die bit his lips, thought about the first moment when he realized that this wasn’t what he wanted anymore.<br/>“I think… when I wanted to… meet Kaoru, just as friends? And I felt guilty for spending time with them?”<br/>Kyo nodded, remembered that Die had cancelled their museum trip and instead spent time with Kaoru and Toshiya. He wasn’t angry, well yes he was at first, felt mocked, but then again, he didn’t get back at Die to go to the museum.<br/>“I never intended to make you feel guilty for seeing your friends?” Die shook his head and agreed, Kyo saw his friends too.<br/>“I know, I know! I just… I felt so trapped! And then it started to feel like a relationship and I don’t want a relationship!” Die fuzzed, rubbed over his face. He hated himself so much for refusing this. Kyo was nothing but wonderful and he trusted him during sex, but – <br/>But, there always was a ‘but’ for Die that made him retreat, that made him back out of any serious thing. Deep down he knew what it was, knew that this little trust he had towards others was a mere illusion he feigned himself.<br/>Kyo nodded, clicked his tongue. That one feeble moment he thought it could be more than casual sex between two people…<br/>“So, a relationship is not even an option?” he asked with a cold voice. He was fed up too, didn’t like this uncertainty he had dealt with for so long. It had hurt Kyo more than he wanted to admit when Die told him about that one guy he had fucked after a tour, so Kyo tried it too, but it wasn’t what he wanted. He had wanted Die, not only his body, his needs, his affection in those moments they were together.<br/>Quickly Die shook his head, added: “With no one. I don’t want this.”<br/>“Okay…” Kyo whispered, wetted his lips. He knew this was over now, everything along with it. As much as he had enjoyed all those times they had been together, something else had started to grow in between them, that never had a chance to fully bloom. So Kyo better grab it by its roots and get rid of it: “I hope we both have the same understanding then, that this between us will end here. Because… I’ll only hurt myself if we keep going.”<br/>Again Die nodded, thanked Kyo for his honesty on that matter. He had felt that Kyo wanted more and instead of talking with him earlier, he had watched how everything started to derail, talking it down, that he was overthinking things when it had been so obvious.<br/>“I… I’ll go then… my hands tremble too much to play guitar today.” Die laughed voicelessly, got up on his legs to pack up his things and leave the studio room for today. He’d need some sleep, some stupid action movie and a glass of wine. Then, he’d go running the next day, take a shower and shake off those cold and clawing feelings, day by day.</p><p> </p><p>Weeks, months had passed with both men not ignoring each other but also not actively approaching contact with each other when it wasn’t for work. For Die it was okay as it was, he knew that Kyo would need some time to himself and Kyo took that time, went on holidays, was off alone or with others while Die stuck around with Toshiya and Shinya. They managed to show Shinya some games and he really enjoyed them. Sometimes Kaoru would come too, mostly though he worked. When Kaoru wanted to spend time with Die, and Die only, he demanded it with a different kind of force, one that made Die grin every time ‘leader-sama’ popped up on his phone.<br/>Over the time, things had settled to normal again, well, whatever normal between the five of them was. And as Die’s birthday came around and he had invited them over to his flat, organized booze because Toshiya and Shinya really did sign up for that cooking course and wanted to show off how much their cooking skills had improved, Die also invited Kyo. Of course he wouldn’t NOT invite him and so Kyo walked up the stairs along with Kaoru who had given him a lift.<br/>On the bell ringing loudly Shinya opened the door and let them in, warned them that Die and Toshiya already had made good use of their time and the alcohol. Kaoru laughed out, kicked his shoes off and walked up to Die, pulled him in a tight hug.<br/>“Don’t make me sing!” Kaoru grumbled, smacked a kiss on Die’s cheek: “Happy Birthday.”<br/>Giggling over Kaoru’s statement Die pulled him closer, kissed him back on the cheek: “Thanks for coming!”<br/>Kyo stood a bit aside, nodded over to Toshiya, greeted him friendly, then turned towards Die, felt Kaoru’s hand on his shoulder, pushing him forward while he took a sip from some beer Shinya had handed him. For a moment Kyo hesitated, but only a moment, then he pulled Die in a tight hug, pressed his face against Die’s shoulder.<br/>“Hey…” Die’s voice was as soft as Kyo remembered it, his arms were as strong as he remembered them, and his hug was as welcoming as it had always been.<br/>“Hey.” Was all Kyo could mumble as he tightened the hug one last time before he let go of Die, let him free again. His smile was as bright and warm as it hadn’t been for a long time. Die seemed so… content? So happy and relaxed? Kyo couldn’t stop himself from mirroring his smile like a fool who had never used his facial muscles.<br/>“It’s nice to have you here! Please enjoy yourself!” Die snickered, had to put a hand on Kyo’s shoulder as he turned around, gestured at the kitchen where all drinks and snacks were prepared.<br/>Was this, how home felt like? Die’s giggling, some music in the background, the others here, chatting and joking. For another moment Kyo hesitated, opened his mouth but then closed it again, decided against saying anything stupid that would probably make them all feel uncomfortable. But Die did say exactly what was so prominent in Kyo’s mind: “Guys, I love you all so much! I’m so happy to have you all here!”<br/>Toshiya blurted loudly that Die should stop being gay, laughed along with Shinya. Kaoru gave them the annoyed-leader glance, grinned though too. Die went around the kitchen counter, announced that he’d loved his boyfriend Jack too much to stop being gay. Snickering even more, Die lifted a bottle of Jack Daniel’s whiskey up: “And now we’re gonna have a threesome… with some coca cola. Who wants drinks too?”<br/>Kaoru shook his head and slid his glass over the counter for Die to fill it up, was amused at how tipsy Die already seemed to be: “Bring it on birthday-boy!”<br/>To give Die a bit support back on the couch, Kaoru put his arm around Die’s shoulder, both men flopping on the couch. Promptly Die lifted his legs and put them over Toshiya’s without the bassist minding even a bit.<br/>Home, this was what home felt, and Kyo felt at home too. Kyo watched Die laughing, getting head kisses from Toshiya and sometimes even Kaoru, he watched them laughing and getting drunk, joking and chatting about everything and anything, mocking each other, appreciating each other. He watched their relations, how they had grown with each other. And he loved them, unconditionally.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi</p><p> </p><p>I'm currently writing on chapter 11? so there's some more to come and as it's the first (fckin) day of December I'll probably turn on some Christmas songs and muse about writing more holiday fluff/smut hehe maybe I'll look up my old prompt lists that I still saved somewhere in the depths of my laptop</p><p>anyway, so far written and scheduled the first Christmas-themed chapter would be posted on the 15th, and as I said I'll see how far this goes on, I'll maybe post more and start the festive chapters earlier already</p><p>¯\_(ツ)_/¯ </p><p>(sorry for that long ass weird chapter no one came here for)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. bedroom hymns (Kaoru/Toshiya)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Toshiya and Kaoru share a hotel room and Toshiya is a little bit drunk and a little bit jealous and a little bit too loud and wakes the leader when trying to take a shower before going to bed (and the leader gets back at him)</p><p>No tw or anything, just smut ¯\_(ツ)_/¯</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Toshiya couldn’t stop his laughter as he pulled the card to his room in the slit for the third time, too drunk to manage opening it at first try. Die slapped him on the shoulder, tried helping him but only made it worse, causing both men to sway some steps to the left and to the right, clutching their hands against the door. Finally a green blinking showed up at the electronic lock, the handle turned down at the weight of Toshiya’s hands pressing it down. Silencing and wishing each other a good night, both men parted, Toshiya stepped in into a dark hotel room.<br/>
“Shit!” he hissed voicelessly and let his jacket slide down on the floor silently.<br/>
“Gotta be quiiiiet!” he hummed. So his room mate for the night was already asleep. Toshiya hadn’t expected for Kaoru to be in bed already, or asleep. Usually the leader was the last to turn off lights and head to bed during their tours. But he also wasn’t the first to wake when it wasn’t necessary, so the bassist hadn’t paid much attention to how late it got when he ordered another round of beer for him and Die.<br/>
“Gotta quickly take a shoooower!” to that he snorted, laughed about his own childishness. Maybe the last beer was a bit too much, but they were sitting in the hotel’s bar so they only had to take the elevator up to their rooms. No leader needed to drag their drunken assed into their beds tonight.<br/>
“Gotta be silent now to not wake the leeeaaader!” that came out a tad bit too loud, causing Kaoru, who had been awake since he heard the ‘ding’ of the elevator going off, to open his eyes and listen so more.<br/>
Toshiya, who fully was aware that he might have woken up Kaoru, tip toed over to the bathroom, hummed some more.<br/>
“Gotta not turn on the lights, gotta turn on the shooower, gotta grab for a towel…!” he couldn’t stop moving his hips, humm some more until he closed his eyes, knew that melody that got stuck in his mind.<br/>
“You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiiiiser!” a voiceless laughter left his lips. Quickly he turned on the shower water, patted on the rack to find a towel. The melody stuck in his mind, made his body move freely in the bathroom until he had wriggled himself out of his clothes, threw them on the floor carelessly. He’d pick them up anyway next morning.<br/>
Not minding any more, Toshiya shoved the glass slides to the side and stepped into the shower, promptly slapped his arm against the holder. Some bottles shampoo fell down, causing even more noise than Toshiya did already by himself.<br/>
“Ah shiiiiit!” he chuckled, bowed down to pick them up. Everything was swaying, it was dark and slippery from the water already.<br/>
And suddenly it was bright. Toshiya flinched, crouched down further as he lifted his head and started up to Kaoru, who gave him a tired glance. Like a deer in headlights Toshiya looked at the leader who walked up to the sink and filled a glass with water, chugged it down in one go. Toshiya’s mouth gaped open for a second, his heart was racing against his chest. He got caught in more than one way and something in him twitched, made him grin stupidly as Kaoru turned around again, looked down at the still crouching body. Water splashed out on the tiles, the shower doors were still open.<br/>
“You gotta be wiser and gotta be silent.” Kaoru mocked him, had heard all his ramblings.<br/>
“Sorry for waking you up.” Toshiya grinned smug like a child that got caught. Clearing his throat and putting the shampoo bottle in the corner of the shower, he tried shoving close the doors so he wouldn’t make so much noise anymore. A clicking of the tongue and a resisting hand against the door made Toshiya look up at Kaoru again.<br/>
“Uh-oh. You better make up for waking me.” He groaned lowly, walked backwards to the bed, kept his eyes on Toshiya. For a second Toshiya was confounded, tried to read Kaoru’s face that got swallowed by the darkness of the hotel room. He cursed under his breath, huffed and then got up again with all courage he could gather.<br/>
“Are you still looking?” Toshiya shot back skittishly, couldn’t make out where Kaoru was exactly. The stream of the shower was too hot, fogged his surroundings.<br/>
“I’m waiting.” There again. There was something mocking but so god damn sexual about the way Kaoru talked. KAORU would never speak with him in that way. Maybe with Die, when they got drunk, maybe even with Kyo. But never with Toshiya and it nagged on him. Was Kaoru waiting? For Toshiya to make a move?<br/>
Huffing out once more, Toshiya turned his back to Kaoru, or where ever he thought his band mate was, probably in his bed again and having a good time messing with Toshiya’s mind that he would watch him while he showered.<br/>
But what if – he really did watch him?<br/>
Toshiya gasped for air, got his hair under the stream to get them soaked up, lifted his arms and stretched some more. Stepping back a bit, he bowed down again to pick up the bottle, squeezed some out and applied to his hair. Thoroughly he washed them, twisted his shoulder-length hair to the side to get his body washed too.<br/>
There were two bottles of washing gel, so he asked into the night, hoping for an answer: “Lemon or Waterlily?”<br/>
“Lemon.” Toshiya bit his lip, nodded slightly as he took the one Kaoru chose. Spreading it on his shoulder and arms, he worked his way down his torso, back, his thighs and legs.<br/>
“Are you still looking?” Toshiya asked once more, found it quite amusing and it turned him on as Kaoru confirmed with a what sounded rather pleased “sure”. The alcohol did no good, made him smile like an idiot.<br/>
“And do you like what you see?” he shot back, shook his head. He was pushing his luck, really.<br/>
“I always appreciate a nice rear view.”<br/>
Toshiya’s eyes pressed shut, a shudder made him flinch and feel sudden heat in his core. How could Kaoru talk like THAT? He for sure was making a fool out of the younger one, amusing himself with mocking Toshiya’s drunken and horny state of mind.<br/>
Should he really just…?<br/>
Staring down between his legs he could already see what this situation made out of him. A bit more than a fool, that for sure. Running his hand down his stomach made him groan silently, close his eyes at his touch. With a sly grin he turned around, splashed some more water on his stomach as he leaned back against the shower wall, closed his eyes. His face must have been as red as cooked crab, but he could care less. Alcohol had always brought up this so slutty side he hated about himself. No matter how much he’d drink, he always wanted to get physical, with anyone, no matter how far. And tonight was no different and Kaoru happened to be here and watch him. So, he’d better give him that show the leader apparently awaited.<br/>
Running his hand down again, Toshiya opened his mouth, stretched his tongue out to get some water running over it. He let his hand rest on his stomach, stretched his neck until his hair wasn’t sticking to his back anymore. Slowly, so slowly, listening if he’d hear anything from Kaoru, he let his fingers dance down between his legs. Quietly he moaned at the touch. Almost innocent and as if it was the very first time, he let his hand run up and down his length until he was harder. The water kept flushing over his body, making him feel not as dirty as his actions actually were.<br/>
“Better view?” he mocked, bit his lip tauntingly as he stroked harder. He pushed his hips forward into his own hand, closed his eyes as it didn’t matter anyway. He didn’t see anything in that god damn darkness. Maybe Kaoru was lying in bed, eyes closed, blanket up to the tip of his nose, but he didn’t care right now. Because right now, touching himself and getting this tension off was more important.<br/>
“You know how to present yourself.” Toshiya flinched promptly, felt good, warm. He always liked it when Kaoru would watch him getting ready for stage, when he would let his eyes flow over his body. Toshiya had never cared if someone saw “too much” or if he showed “too much skin” because he went on stage without a shirt at all, was only wearing short pants or even a skirt. He loved and craved this kind of attention and he knew only Kaoru could give him that high with his looks.<br/>
Letting the compliment wash him as the water did, he slid his other hand back around his body, let go of his erection. He was much too torn and riled up already, he’d come too fast, not giving Kaoru the show Toshiya wanted to give him. So, he lifted one hand up to his mouth, brought his other hand to his butt cheeks, squeezed his skin apart slightly.<br/>
“Shit.” Silently he cursed as he composed himself for one hot second, reconsidering what he was about to do. Then again, he had gone far enough already and Kaoru knew him for too many years already. Carefully he touched himself, let one finger slide in. Simultaneously he let his tongue run over one finger, sucked on it to give Kaoru a hint what his other hand did behind his back where he couldn’t see.<br/>
“I also know how to present myself for you.” Toshiya groaned, pushed out and in again with a second finger. Promptly his leg trembled at the forceful treatment. Sucking on two fingers, he had so smile, felt too good in his own skin. Shifting his legs some more, bending over, he thrusted in and out with his fingers, eased himself and found great pleasure in – maybe? – being watched.<br/>
A third finger accompanied by a low groan and a frown between his eyebrows. He shoved the fingers up his tongue, moaned again as he pleasured himself. Standing under the shower stream made him feel good, warm, clean even if his mind was so filthy.<br/>
Jerking his hips forward again Toshiya longed for touch, for friction, for Kaoru. Letting go of himself, Toshiya quickly spread some soap in his hands to get clean again, turned off the water and stepped out. The fog cleared itself slowly as he took some deep breathes.<br/>
There he was sitting, on the edge of the bed, the blanket underneath, his body ready. Toshiya grinned as he saw a very unmistaken pants-tent between Kaoru’s legs. So he did enjoy the show.<br/>
With a sly grin on his lips Toshiya didn’t bother to dry himself up and walked straight up to the bed. Without hesitation and without any form of resistance he grabbed for the shirt, pulled it over Kaoru’s head, then for the waistband of Kaoru’s boxers and shoved them down, moaned lowly as he saw his erection, so close he wanted to lick over it. But Toshiya didn’t come to please others tonight, only himself.</p><p>“I don’t care about what you and Die have, or you have with Kyo, and Shinya? I don’t want to know that either… I want to be yours, yours only tonight.” Without waiting for an answer he placed himself on Kaoru’s lap, watched his face as he gave him a few pumps before he sank down on him, took him in fully. A shudder ran down Toshiya’s spine at how good Kaoru felt, how perfectly he filled him up.<br/>
Slowly Toshiya moved up and down, looked into Kaoru’s eyes that still watched him carefully. He seemed to not take any action, neither resistance nor desire. Kaoru had his arms placed on his sides for support, let Toshiya do what he wanted and needed. Though, a soft smile broke his ever so casual and neutral demeanour, made Toshiya grin back immediately. Finally breaking eye contact, Toshiya threw his head back, shook his hair off his shoulders. He took on a faster pace, ground his hips against Kaoru deeper and with more force. Another moan fled his lips and Toshiya let go of holding onto the bedlinen, wrapped one hand around his erection to give him some needed friction and stimulation.<br/>
“Oh, no.” Kaoru clicked his tongue, took Toshiya’s hand and placed it back to his sides again. Excitement filled Toshiya, made him smile and bite his lips. Sweet anticipation, how Kaoru’s hand would feel around his erection made him groan even more. But the fulfilment didn’t come, the moans turned into painful gasps.<br/>
As Toshiya lifted his other hand – as if this would change the fact that Kaoru didn’t like that either? – Kaoru gave him another dismissive groan.<br/>
“If you want to be mine, then we’ll do this my way.” Kaoru stated, his voice dark and oppressive. Toshiya gasped for air, wasn’t sure what he was doing here actually. He definitely bargained more than he thought.<br/>
“You’re not gonna touch me?” Toshiya let out, a bit frustrated as he felt a storm building up in his stomach that was ready to burst at any slight touch.<br/>
“Nope.” Kaoru gave back voicelessly, watched Toshiya wriggle his body, frown at his statement. He sank down with more force, causing his erection to slap against Kaoru’s stomach, to get any kind of contact with something else. Grinning about Toshiya’s futile attempts, his rough movements, the desperation clearly showing on his face, Kaoru sank back on his elbows, sighed blissfully and enjoyed how Toshiya felt. His muscles contracted with each move, the trained body in goose bumps, lips parted to let every moan out like hymns and prayers – it was a picture Kaoru would never get out of his mind.</p><p>Toshiya was more relaxed and took him better than Kyo did most days, though their rough nature seemed quite similar, what amused Kaoru. Toshiya usually had a more relaxed and delighted attitude than Kyo, who was more head-driven, rigid.<br/>
Different, and Kaoru was not to complain. At all.<br/>
“Am I allowed to touch you?” Toshiya’s pants came broken off, his voice a mere cry for help.<br/>
“As you please.” Kaoru moaned, closed his eyes for a moment to fully give in without any restrictions. As he felt one hand placing itself on Kaoru’s chest, the weight of Toshiya’s body pressing down a bit, Kaoru smiled, leaned into the cautious touch.<br/>
Too well he remembered the first time Shinya had asked this. Almost three years had passed when he finally asked this back and another year had to pass until he dared to lay a hand on Kaoru’s body.<br/>
Again, so different, and when Kaoru opened his eyes and watched Toshiya’s face, fully concentrated as if he was playing a hard passage of a complex song, heat flushed Kaoru again, caused an aching pain in his lower stomach. He wouldn’t be able to hold back for much longer.<br/>
Toshiya must have felt the same, lifted his other hand and grabbed for Kaoru’s shoulder to pull him closer again, to have some more stability as he took on a faster pace. Throwing his head back again, the hair sticking on his forehead not because they were still wet but again, sticking on his sweaty skin.<br/>
Kaoru gave in, didn’t want to hide how good it felt, to have Toshiya ride him. He let his head sink back too, the soft curls fell back too, exposed his neck and shoulders. A low moan crept over his lips, his mouth fell open. Shamefully over those noises he made, Kaoru turned his face away from Toshiya, concentrated again on how far to hitting the edge the younger one was.<br/>
“Ka-o-ru.” His breath stuttered, broke off. Toshiya’s hand slid up Kaoru’s neck, turned his face back to him. The intention was not to see the blush on Kaoru’s face as he felt embarrassed over his own desires, but to make him see Toshiya’s own expression. Furrowed eyebrows, the lower lip caught between teeth, pants and groans filling the space between them. Sweat pearls dripped over Toshiya’s face, loosened themselves on the tip of his nose and his chin, landed on Kaoru’s stomach like a raindrop on a hot stone.<br/>
Toshiya wanted Kaoru to see how he’d come, how he’d lose himself, how he had longed for him.<br/>
“I’m allowed to come, right?” Toshiya snorted, half amused about his own question, half serious if he really was allowed, if this was ‘Kaoru’s way’ to do things.<br/>
It only needed a soft “always” from Kaoru to break Toshiya. Sinking down again and again, Toshiya arched his back, threw his head back a last time. His grip around Kaoru’s neck tightened, his face started contorting into a pained expression. Sweat and tears mixed, streamed down his face and neck as he held back the relieving moment for one last question.<br/>
“Can I … please…” a puff, louder than any moans and more desperate than any other plead ever: “kiss…”<br/>
Toshiya interrupted himself with a high-pitched gasp. Back arching forward, his erection slapping hard against Kaoru’s stomach as the guitarist leaned forward, grabbed for Toshiya’s neck to hold his face and he pressed his lips on Toshiya’s. Moans made their lips vibrate against each other. Toshiya cupped Kaoru’s cheeks, kissed him back with more force than intended, spilled himself all over their bodies. He could so care less.<br/>
Kaoru’s other hand found a hold on Toshiya’s hip, pressed him against his erection a last time before he hit the edge too, rocked his hips slowly, riding out his orgasm. So different, so very different that Kaoru’s lifted his hand again from Toshiya’s body, frowned a bit confused over his own carelessness and action. To just bluntly kiss Toshiya, to give him this admission that he so far had denied everyone.<br/>
Apparently Toshiya didn’t much care that Kaoru retreated from their kiss so abruptly, lifted his hips a last time to break their contact. Sighing blissfully, the bassist leaned back on one arm, wiped over his face with his other hand: “Holy fuck.”<br/>
Kaoru glanced down between their bodies, Toshiya’s trembling legs, an ungodly mess between them and on Kaoru’s stomach.<br/>
“I wouldn’t call that holy…” Kaoru chuckled lowly, ran one hand through his hair too. He was sweaty again, too awake to go to bed right away. His bed was a fucking mess anyway, he’d need to change covers. And leave early the next morning so no cleaning lady would see the mess the two men had spilled on those sheets.<br/>
“Oh fuck you.” Toshiya slapped his hand against Kaoru’s chest, made him chuckle some more.<br/>
“I guess… the shower before was very much in vain.” Toshiya was still giving his best to catch his breath, gestured towards the bathroom and nodded. Trying to get up on his legs, he gasped, laughed some more: “You gotta carry me, my legs are weak.”<br/>
Kaoru slid down from the bed too, watched Toshiya crouching lowly, his hands supporting on his knees.<br/>
“Baby.” he mocked, then slung one of Toshiya’s too long and too strong arms around his shoulders and they trotted into the shower once more for this day, got washed quickly.</p><p>Walking back and looking at the dishevelled bed, Toshiya groaned lowly that Kaoru saaaadly would have to sleep in his bed tonight. He let out a low chuckle, put on a pair of boxers and the shirt he had prepared for the night. Silently Kaoru picked up his clothes too, put them on again.<br/>
“Don’t they have anything to change here?” he mumbled, walked over to the wardrobe and found one blanket. A scratchy, hard and mint green one. He hadn’t expected any less, it was the same kind of sturdy and uncomfortable blanket every hotel had.<br/>
“What are you being stubborn about now?!” Toshiya laughed out, put his hands on Kaoru’s shoulders and turned him around to push him forward to the bed. Pursing his lips, Kaoru got on the bed, laid down on his side, face turned away, not taking up more space then needed.<br/>
“Cold shoulder it is? I see…” Toshiya mocked, nodded. Quickly he turned off the lights and got in the bed too, flipped the cosy blanket over his body. With a loud yawn he stretched his body, nuzzled into the pillow comfortable. Not long, just mere 5 seconds he managed before he started laughing about Kaoru’s stubbornness. He didn’t even have a blanket to cover for the night!<br/>
“Child.” He hummed, lifted the blanket and pulled Kaoru in a hug, turned his body around. Immediately Kaoru tensed up, put his arms in front of his chest. Carefully he turned his palms, pressed them refusing against Toshiya’s chest to shove him away but that caused exactly the opposite. Toshiya wrapped his trained arms around him, stroked back the curls with soft fingertips. As bassist his fingertips sure weren’t the smoothest but far softer than Die’s or Kaoru’s own.<br/>
“Relax… you don’t like cuddling after sex?” Toshiya asked as if they were talking about the weather. Kaoru flinched, the thought of having someone so close after sex and when he was tired made him feel vulnerable and as if he had to give off something about himself. When Kyo or Toshiya would nap off on the bus it was totally normal, but Kaoru? He didn’t want to be seen in such a weak state, disliked to seem soft and needy.<br/>
“Usually I don’t do this.” He grumbled back, pursed his lips again so he wouldn’t start to justify himself. Whenever Die had asked, begged, for cuddles after sex, Kaoru would have turned around and given him the cold shoulder and Die never dared to bluntly twist him around and pull in a hug as Toshiya did right here.<br/>
“That doesn’t answer my question if you like it or not.” Toshiya fluted. Gently he ran his fingertips over Kaoru’s shoulder and neck, tucked some hair behind his ears so he could see where his face was, where his lips were. Softly as he could, without so much hunger, Toshiya kissed him. At least, he tried, put his lips on Kaoru’s and felt nothing but resistance.<br/>
“No kiss? You usually don’t do that either?!” Toshiya mocked now, huffed. What a weirdo their leader could be!<br/>
Then, other measures would be needed, Toshiya decided, placed little kisses along Kaoru’s jawline, neck. Against his lips he felt Kaoru swallowing, his shoulders tensed up. Retreating a bit as Toshiya realised it was in vain, probably made it even worse – why ever Kaoru could not relax and just give in into this touch – he rubbed over Kaoru’s side and back.<br/>
“How about I’ll give you a shoulder massage? Would that be okay?” Toshiya asked, brought a bit more space between them so Kaoru could turn around. After a short internal debate Kaoru breathed out, wetted his lips to say something, anything. But instead of refusing and declining, he turned on his stomach, felt Toshiya’s arms placing to his sides immediately, the mattress sinking down next to him.<br/>
Seeing it as little victory, Toshiya let his hands slip underneath Kaoru’s shirt, waited if he would compromise and let himself get undressed again. Shoving it further up, Kaoru pulled it over his head and tossed it next to the pillow, pressed his face flat into pillow again.<br/>
He looked gorgeous like that, the tattooed arms to his side, the hair laid playfully in curls around his neck. Softly Toshiya tucked some to the side to see Kaoru’s face, if he’d tense up or relax and give in.<br/>
He seemed relaxed, even as Toshiya placed himself on his thighs, caging him to give him a good back massage. Even, as he ran a warm hand up his spine, waited for a stop or any other signal to make him retreat. But nothing came, Toshiya dug his thumb carefully in the tensed up muscle, got a low moan as immediate reaction but nothing else, so he kept kneading gently.<br/>
“Toshiya!” there it was, a whisper so low that the bassist had to lean forward, tuck his hair behind his ears before they’d tickle on Kaoru’s shoulder. Kaoru was frowning, pressing his eyes close, then: “Thank you.”<br/>
Heat flushed Toshiya again, made him smile happily.<br/>
“Always.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Honey Child (Kaoru/Toshiya)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kaoru and Toshiya have a short chat during rehearsal break and then take a day off to revisit Kaoru’s past</p><p>Possible TW? Suicidal reference/thoughts, grief, depression talks</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I had a bit a hard time deciding whether to post this or keep it some more to myself - but then again, it's written and it won't change the longer it sticks in my documents.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Some days, most days actually, Kaoru had the most productive phases when it rained. Other days, the rain was a loud reminder that time was passing by and he did nothing, accomplished nothing. What he did accomplish though, was to mess around, sigh so loud that it annoyed the others, wasted time and energies he could use for other things.<br/>
Today was such a day, when another painful huff left Kaoru’s mouth, made him crouch on his chair even more. In vain, some days sitting in the studio and staring at the notes was in vain as nothing happened. He only made it worse, discarding new upcoming ideas, dismissing himself, disregarding his creativity. What creativity?; he asked himself ever too often, thought that his sounds were to blunt and regular, much too smoothed out and bland.<br/>
His music sounded as everything started to taste whenever such a phase hit him. ‘Seasonal depression’ his doctor had called it. Fuck seasonal whatever, Kaoru had thought. Autumn had always been his favourite time of the year, but lately there was nothing sparkling about the withering and decaying of the flowers and trees. It was cold, wet and the sun set too early for his liking, making him feel as if it was 8pm already when in fact is was shortly after 3pm, the whole workday still to go.</p><p>Lately, Kaoru hadn’t felt at home in the studio as he would always feel like around this time of the year. When he’d start cooking tea as soon as he’d arrive, put some ginger in for his throat. The cold and humid weather always made his voice crack up and he was more prone to get an inflammation than Kyo or even Die, who didn’t even care to wear a scarf when the temperatures went below 0°.<br/>
Something was missing this year, and Kaoru couldn’t tell what it was and the more he thought about what he forgot or could do against this empty feeling, the more he got angry and frustrated.<br/>
Letting out another frustrated puff, Kaoru got up, poured himself a cup of coffee and grabbed for his cigarettes to leave for a short break. He’d need some caffeine if he wanted to do anything today before the clock would announce the next day. Time was slipping from his hands faster than he wanted and admittedly they were quite far behind their schedule for recording. The reason for that was, frankly said, because Kaoru hadn’t finished composing, wasn’t satisfied enough with what they had so far.</p><p>Sitting down on the bench in the patio, Kaoru put the cup next to his lap, pulled a cigarette out and lit it up. Taking a deep breath, he blew out, watched the smoke swirl around. The raindrops kept knocking on the wooden panels, hit the last colourful leaves that were still holding onto their dear life as the wind blew around the trees.<br/>
It was a blissful place to sit and let his mind wander. Kaoru had always liked to sit here and listen to the surrounding, the other workers in the building. Faintly the noise from the street broke through when someone opened a door or a window. But mostly, it was quiet. As if time was an illusion and the world stopped turning, Kaoru stopped running away with every passing minute.<br/>
Calming down with some more breaths, he felt his heart beating slower again, more settled. He could forget everything when he sat there, forget himself too probably. It was such an absurdly out-of-this-world space. There were six doors along the walls, all leading somewhere else. Like six different universes and it hardly happened that two of them encountered each other. Kaoru knew from Kyo, that one door, a white and rather newer one, lead to a kitchen of a restaurant nearby. He had seen a cook once stand in the patio, picking a handful of flowers that he probably used as decoration for a dish. On the street side though was no restaurant, no bar or anything, so maybe it was in a higher floor? Or it was a private cook for some rich resident.<br/>
Another time, Die had met a dancer, a young woman catching her breath in the cold of the winter. They had nodded at each other, Die trying not to stare at her trained and sweating body that was stuck in a tight bodice and leggings, the hair pulled back in a straight bun.<br/>
Where the other doors lead to, they didn’t know, never questioned. Maybe the owners didn’t even know, put shelves in front of them as they might use those rooms for storage?<br/>
Kaoru was not to complain, enjoyed the silence.<br/>
Absence. It was this awareness that this space was used by other people too to calm down, to get off their emotions or to grasp inspiration, but they all respected each others odd way to avoid meeting. Some days when they had rented these studio rooms, Kaoru had longed to get to know his surroundings, their neighbours, just as he had done in his apartment complex. He knew all neighbours, knew the venders in the shops around his area, knew the small businesses, knew the kids in the park. Here, this space knew him, his sadness, his anger and frustration.<br/>
Maybe it wasn’t the absence? Maybe he needed to come here to let go of his emotions? Or to grasp them again from where he had left them weeks ago when he went out, angry that he couldn’t make the two guitar solos fluent and matching. Angry that he used so much paper for rewriting the sheets, angry that he messed up the notes so often, angry that he had lost the tip of his pen in that whole process.<br/>
Looking back at that day from a month ago made Kaoru chuckle lowly. How angry he could get sometimes! Like a child. But ever since that day, drinking a too hot double shot espresso in hopes for more concentration, Kaoru hadn’t felt angry anymore, but frustrated and in the end, sad and empty, drained.<br/>
Did he miss his anger? Had he left it back here in this patio?<br/>
Kaoru tilted his head at that tough, lifted the cup of coffee. Behind him he heard a door opening, a familiar screeching of their door.</p><p>“Thought I’d find you here.” Toshiya stated, stopped behind Kaoru. He watched his bandmate putting the cup to the smaller side of the bench, offering Toshiya a place next to him with this so faint gesture. Kaoru had never been good to express what he wanted, didn’t want, what he needed. And it took Toshiya years, if not a decade to understand how Kaoru was speaking to him.<br/>
Without asking if it was okay to sit with him for some time, Toshiya walked around the bench, sat down with some distance between them. The rain kept knocking on the tiles, hit some vacant buckets that had been waiting to get filled with water it seemed. From the little eaves under which they sat the rain flushed down in a gutter, made rattling noises. The weather played its own melody here. Some plants looked quite sad though, the rain hailing on their withering bodies.<br/>
“How are you feeling?” cautiously Toshiya asked. They never really talked about that. It mostly was written all over Kaoru’s face anyway. Anger and disappointment showing too well, some laughs broke his concentrated mask sometimes. But what was deep in there, what made his eyes seem so cold even if his lips turned to a smile – Toshiya knew about Kaoru’s struggles, though never could fully grasp them. He had felt useless and helpless so often, blamed Kaoru for giving him a hard time to figure out how to make him calm down or make him happy again. How to satisfy him. But it was in vain mostly, made him even angrier, feel childish that his anger wasn’t understood, that he was treated like a child that wanted a treat but didn’t get it out of whatever stupid authorial decision.<br/>
“Angry? I think… good? I missed this sort of anger?” Kaoru muttered, lifted his pack again to light another cigarette. Toshiya grinned, knew that when Kaoru was angry, then things were back at normal. Toshiya, and the others too, could handle Kaoru’s anger better than his dissatisfaction, this empty feeling, his depression. When nothing could touch him, when they thought the leader would say yes and no to everything and anything just to make them have it their way so he could have some peace of mind, those times Toshiya was scared the most for him.<br/>
“That’s good? That you’re back.” Toshiya nodded, leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. He took a deep breath, watched up as far as the eaves let his eyes wander. The windows must all belong to different people, no room seemed to have one concept, be from the same apartment or owner. If the residents from the top floors watched them sometimes? Did they too wonder who they were, what they did here?<br/>
“I am back?” Kaoru enforce the ‘I’, gave a low chuckle as he saw Toshiya’s back shuddering at his own snickering.<br/>
“You store quite a lot of anger in you. It’s unusual to not face it.” He explained, turned his head so he could look back at Kaoru. Silently he waited, closed his eyes as he saw Kaoru’s arm stretching out, a warm hand gently running up his back, giving him the sign to sit back up, to come closer.</p><p>It were those faint notes that he did not only place in the guitar notes, but between them. It was that so feeble posture that let Toshiya knew that he wanted more closeness, the absence of words to not demand but to take when offered. Smiling softly Toshiya put one hand on Kaoru’s thigh, squeezed gently and leaned back against the bench.<br/>
“I sometimes forget that I’m still a child who can’t control its anger.” Kaoru laughed, bit his lip in embarrassment. He knew how stubborn and irrational he sometimes could get.<br/>
Toshiya clicked his tongue, gave Kaoru a grin: “We all still are children, messing around.”<br/>
Playfully Toshiya leaned over, placed a kiss on his head that brought a little smile on the older one’s lips. It wasn’t enough to pull Kaoru away, but it was enough to see this sadness again, this vast emptiness. Toshiya knew he could have said anything now and Kaoru would have nodded, would have taken his words like the rain was hitting on the ground, mercilessly, couldn’t shield itself anyway. So, Toshiya dug deeper too, knew it was only a short moment give he could talk about this.<br/>
This topic, that one they usually never talked about, that one thing that slipped so rarely that it hit Toshiya hard every time it did actually come up.</p><p>“You’re missing them a lot lately?” he asked carefully, let his hand slip from Kaoru’s thigh up to his shoulders, shielded him from the weather. The cold wind blowing through the leaves and Kaoru’s hair wasn’t what made him shudder, but this coldness in him, that was waking up old memories like wind blew through the bells of chimes. Just as they were dancing along from the edge of the eaves here, some old beautiful Furin made of glass. Wishes and blessing written on paper, not made to withstand the rain of the late autumn. No one had ever bothered to store them away during the cold season, some glass had cracks, some only were silent prayers by now after so many years.<br/>
The cigarette stub went out, was too wet by now from not taking a drag. Kaoru didn’t bother as Toshiya took it from between his fingers and pressed it into the little ashtray by their feet. No one even bothered to store this away either. Kaoru had to pick up his pieces by himself.<br/>
“How come you know me so well?” Kaoru tried to joke, offered Toshiya an amused grin with eyes closed. Silently he leaned into his arm, nudged his shoulder against his body. Warm, home, care, trust. Everything Kaoru missed most days because he avoided them, denied himself to feel them.<br/>
“You know-“ Toshiya wetted his lips, let his hand run up and down Kaoru’s arm to tug him in closer: “It needs a lot of tiny water particles to make it rain.”<br/>
Kaoru lifted his hand, placed it on Toshiya’s thigh. The fabric was soft, heat from Toshiya’s body warmed up Kaoru’s hand.<br/>
“Sometimes it’s a lot of things.” Another kiss placed on Kaoru’s head: “And sometimes it’s being aware of their absence.”</p><p>Kaoru let his head come to a rest on Toshiya’s arm, looked up to the eaves, their uneven form, rusty nails sticking out at some places, new tiles attached during repair works. The absence, that was what he felt?<br/>
Did Kaoru NOT miss them, but felt the lack of their absence? What was it that sucked him so deep down in a bottomless pit, that made him feel flushed away like in an undertow? It had been years since he lost them, too many to still be this kind of sad.<br/>
“You don’t play the guitar all the time during a song, not because it doesn’t make sense or is too much. But you give the time you don’t play the same meaning and importance.”</p><p>A cold breeze made Kaoru close his eyes, shudder involuntary as he hadn’t brought a jacket along, thought he’d just smoke one fag and go get in again.<br/>
“Could, would you… nevermind… no… don’t mind…” Kaoru babbled, got in a more upright position again and tried to loosen himself from Toshiya’s hug. In vain, Toshiya grabbed his shoulder, squeezed him tightly and held his hand in place.<br/>
“You want to visit them?” Kaoru hesitated, gasped for air before he pursed his lips shut, didn’t want to say yes even though everything in him screamed to go, to leave, to run away.<br/>
“We can pack our stuff and go after rehearsal? I’ll drive anyway. We’d be there by the morning and… we can also take a room and stay a bit?”<br/>
No, he didn’t want to go, didn’t want to leave, didn’t want to stay there. Kaoru wanted nothing but go in again and work on the songs so they’d finish up finally. Later, he’d get back to that, later when he had time for such stupidities. Now was not the time to mourn for the dead but take care for those who were still alive and needed him.<br/>
At least, that was what his parents had always said to Kaoru? When he couldn’t visit for birthdays, Christmas, New Year. Not even –<br/>
“Let’s –“ – “Toshiya.”<br/>
Dismissing, Toshiya flinched, pressed his eyes close at the cold and distant sound of Kaoru’s voice. He wanted to scream at him, that it was okay, that he was okay as he was, with all that anger and sadness, that he still loved him no matter what he’d say or do or NOT do.<br/>
“Let’s go.” Toshiya enforced the ‘go’, didn’t want to hear any empty explanations or listen to Kaoru justifying why he once again didn’t want to go.<br/>
“I won’t beg.” Kaoru grumbled, got on his feet to get in again. He was freezing for real by now, felt his nose being all too cold and wet. Toshiya looked up to Kaoru as he turned around to give him the dismissive glare: “I won’t beg either.”<br/>
Nothing, there was so much between them and nothing. Sometimes Kaoru walked that line between being responsible and persistent and being irrationally stubborn like a tightrope artist. The chimes rang again with the next breeze, Kaoru being fully aware that some moved too, though no body for the bell to clank against was there anymore.<br/>
“Fine.”</p><p> </p><p>Whatever ‘fine’ had meant in that moment Kaoru had said it, apparently turned out that he was okay with sitting 7 hours in a too small space with another human and no chance for escape or return anymore. Gladly though, that human happened to be Toshiya who had given him a mocking ‘fine’ back when he had watched Kaoru stuffing clothes for the night and his washing bag into a backpack.<br/>
As they hit the highway Kaoru finally relaxed, what meant, that he started complaining about Toshiya’s taste in music, changed the playlist, moved the air outlets of the AC, turned the heating up, then down again as it got too dry and he wasn’t keen on drinking so much and then being forced to make a pee stop next to the road. While Toshiya sang along the music, Kaoru stared out into the pitch black night, watched Toshiya’s face being mirrored on the window. Sliding down in the passenger seat Kaoru made himself comfortable, nuzzled against his big scarf that he had packed for the car ride. For a few more minutes he kept changing his position, making Toshiya snicker that he was worse than a dog that would try to find the perfect sleeping spot. Finding a comfortable position to fall asleep had always been a major problem for Kaoru and he was glad that Toshiya could fall asleep any given time he was tired and wouldn’t wake up when Kaoru tossed his body around on the mattress as he did most of the nights. He had light sleep, woke up at every sound and movement. Waking up before Kaoru and leaving for the toilet or preparing breakfast for them was almost impossible. As soon as Toshiya would move, even yawn, Kaoru was up too.<br/>
So, after propping his feet on the headboard, getting the seat in a more tilted back position, Kaoru closed his eyes, wanted at least to have a bit silence and rest for his body.<br/>
“Comfortable?” Toshiya asked after a while as Kaoru didn’t move anymore, had found a good position apparently. With a low hum coming from his chest Kaoru nodded, then, glared to Toshiya. There were not so many cars on the highway as it was in the middle of the night already, nothing would happen for the next four or five hours. Taking Toshiya’s hand and lifting it from the steering wheel, he placed it between his legs, intertwined their fingers. Promptly Toshiya squeezed back, smiled. Kaoru had always been fond of holding his hand, of being close and feeling his body when they had some uninterrupted time alone. That little and so absurd patio granted them this time, that space very they could be vulnerable and close without having anyone interrupt even if they were in a situation someone could interrupt them any given time. It wasn’t like home, like their flat where they would just not answer the door when they didn’t want to see anyone else but each other, but it felt a bit like home.<br/>
“Hey, Totchi.” Immediately Kaoru bit his tongue, felt stupid for addressing him. He wouldn’t even have to say anything. Toshiya was concentrated and would hear what he wanted to say without having Kaoru saying his name.<br/>
“I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>During their ride Kaoru woke up for what felt a million times. Every curve of the road turned his head to the other side although he had propped his head tightly into the scarf and Toshiya was a smooth driver. When Toshiya had stopped for a quick break to use the bathroom at a gas station and refill the tank, Kaoru stared out of the windows like a child, felt so safe when Toshiya returned again, had bought some drinks and a protein bar. He needed to nudge his face against Toshiya’s, hear his voice, reassuring Kaoru he was there and they would drive some more.<br/>
At some point in the early morning hours before the dawn, Kaoru gave up, couldn’t stay in this half-awake state anymore and drifted off in deep-sleep, didn’t even wake up when Toshiya exited the highway and made a few turns and stopped at street lights.<br/>
The worse now Toshiya felt as he parked the car in front of the graveyard and would have to wake Kaoru.<br/>
Smiling all to himself for one more moment, Toshiya looked at Kaoru’s face, the usual frown was smoothed out, the wrinkles around his eyes weren’t so deep anymore from always switching between staring at the laptop, on his notes and on the fret board. His jaw was even relaxed, no more teeth gritting as he did ever too often during composing. Kaoru was beautiful like that. Too. He always was beautiful in Toshiya’s eyes, even if he was angry, annoyed or acting childish, no matter which emotion, it was beautiful on Kaoru.<br/>
Even now, the little frown building between his eyes made Toshiya smile as he kissed his cheek gently, waking him up.<br/>
With a deep breath Kaoru pressed his eyes shut a last time, then opened them to look around.<br/>
“We’re here.” He stated, tilted his head against Toshiya’s, silently requested some more gentle kisses that he promptly got.<br/>
The one thing, that maybe wasn’t beautiful but always made Toshiya snort amused, was when Kaoru yawned and his mouth would split open as far as possible to show off perfectly sitting teeth. It was rather scary, but maybe even cute.</p><p>“You didn’t even stop for breakfast?!” Kaoru asked with a still raspy voice, cleared his throat as he got out of the car and walked up to the big iron gate.<br/>
“Get it done and then we’ll go for breakfast in town!” Toshiya snorted and followed him, locked the car. It was so casual that he just followed Kaoru down this path.<br/>
“Can’t have you sulking for longer. Suck it up and stop being sad!” Toshiya shot Kaoru a glance that usually the leader gave him. It was the ‘no talking back’ look, but Kaoru found it interesting, why Toshiya was so insistent now. It was refreshing in some odd way.<br/>
“Hey, it’s my parents and my little sister! I am allowed to be sad!” Kaoru resisted anyway, stretched his arm so Toshiya could let their fingers intertwine again.<br/>
“That’s a stupid excuse to stop yourself from being happy.”<br/>
Kaoru gave him another glance, was curious what Toshiya was getting at.<br/>
“You know I could be sad too!” he now lifted an eyebrow, squeezed Kaoru’s hand even tighter: “I never got to know them.”<br/>
Finally they came to a halt, Kaoru holding Toshiya’s hand rigidly as if it was all he had. In some way, Toshiya was his life saver. Gulping down a knot that felt too hot and too big much too fast, Kaoru shook his head, nodded then.<br/>
“They would have loved you.” he smiled, squeezed Toshiya’s hand before he let go to press his hands on his face, hide the tears that started streaming down his face.<br/>
“And I would have loved them as I do love you.” Toshiya whispered, pulled Kaoru in a tight hug. His embrace was so tight that it stopped Kaoru from shuddering and shivering, though his legs trembled and he held tight on Toshiya to not sink down. The wind was ice cold and unforgiving on his cheeks where his tears cooled down immediately at the cold temperatures. But there was Toshiya’s warm body, a little piece solace. Finding shelter, Kaoru nuzzled his face against Toshiya’s neck, felt his hands running up and down his back, making him calm down. He took some deep breaths, gulped again and found that this so tight knot in his throat was gone again as fast as it had roared up.</p><p>The words from yesterday started orbiting in Kaoru’s still sleepy mind. That he was angry so often, that it was unusual when he wasn’t angry.<br/>
Kaoru turned his face, laid his head against Toshiya chest and looked down at the gravestone, at the three little names chiselled into the grey. His parents that had loved and supported him unconditionally through every step he had made. They had let him roam around and always had his back when needed. They had given him freedom and a voice, when he couldn’t even grasp the understanding of this world. And his sister, his wonderful little sister. He wanted to show her so much, wanted to protect her from all harm that he knew would be out there. He wanted to show her how to fight, how guys did things so she wouldn’t grow up being ‘the girl’.<br/>
They had been ripped out of Kaoru’s life too fast, too early, when he hadn’t been ready to face this life without them. Even if he had already lived in Osaka, worked as musicians, he still felt so much resonance that was now lacking.<br/>
Was it that, what made him feel nothing or pure spiteful anger? That he had no one to resonate with for until he had let Toshiya in?<br/>
But then again. Kaoru closed his eyes, listened to the wind twirling the trees and bushes. Some other mourners walked the little paths to their beloved one’s last resting place. And somewhere in between all this draining sadness, there was Toshiya. Neither was he sad, nor did he want Kaoru to brighten up again. He had actually never said anything about this all. He had not even asked once how Kaoru felt the first few years after his family had died in a car accident. It was too fresh but also inappropriate because Toshiya didn’t really know Kaoru back then, but he had also not wanted to face more anger or be kicked out of the band immediately for asking about things that happened before he got to know them.<br/>
He had taken it, seen Kaoru break apart and break down, roar up again in a flame of anger, sulk for weeks on end, and he had taken it, had listened to every comment on that matter, but never said anything. He didn’t want to be another mindless idiot who told Kaoru how ‘oh so sad he must be now, how oh so tragic this was, how poor and alone he must feel now’.<br/>
“You never said that I should feel sad…?” Kaoru concluded, looked up to Toshiya and brought a bit more distance between them. He didn’t mean to sound shaming or to make Toshiya say anything on that matter, but it was odd.<br/>
Toshiya shrugged his shoulder, gave Kaoru a rather tired look: “Haven’t you heard that from too many people? Do they need to remind you to feel sad as if it is all you are?”<br/>
Anger, so burning hot and immediate that Kaoru felt like he’d be devoured by it. His cousins, aunts and uncles, family friends, old school friends, neighbours, hell even Kyo had let slip some kind of comment.<br/>
Kaoru WAS sad, yes, but he was also angry that people only allowed him to feel this one emotion for the rest of his life apparently. He always would be the one that lost his little sister and his parents in a car accident, he’d always be that musician who’d make music to cope with his loss. Because that was what some other guitarists had said and spread rumours about. And he hated it, hated to be that ‘sad, depressed musician’. And he was angry that it was his sister and not him, he was angry that it was not all of them but that Kaoru still had to face another day after this. And he hated his parents, that they gave birth to him so he could watch them slip from his hands when he wasn’t even ready to let go.<br/>
“Let’s go.” Kaoru said, frowned. Patting his jacket he found a tissue paper, used already but it did the thing and he could so care less.<br/>
“You’re finished?” Toshiya asked, raised an eyebrow. That was faster than usual, but usually they stayed probably two or three more minutes, Kaoru shivering and shaking until he had no more energies to cry for longer. He always emptied himself in such an unforgiving and relentless manner that it scared Toshiya that one day there would be nothing left from Kaoru.<br/>
“Yeah, I’m finished sulking.” Kaoru encountered, wetted his lips as he turned around to Toshiya, watched if he was following: “I guess you are right.”<br/>
“About what?” Toshiya asked back, didn’t understand what was going on in Kaoru’s mind. But he hardly ever understood, accepted his silent demeanour and learned to read between the lines. Hell, he learned to read half lines, blurred lines, ripped away and burnt down lines, even those that were never written down clearly. When they had started to somewhat date, Toshiya wasn’t even sure what this was what they did for the first year but he had enjoyed it and appreciated every so clear and explicit move Kaoru had made to make Toshiya understand.<br/>
“I’m angry because all my life people have told me to be sad! I needed… I PAID a therapist a fucking fortune for what an idiot could tell me.” Kaoru hissed, opened the iron gate again to get out to the car. Promptly Toshiya moaned, grabbed for Kaoru’s hand before he’d simmer in that kind of anger for the rest of the day. It hadn’t always been easy, by far the ‘bad’ days overshadowed the ‘good’ ones. Kaoru hadn’t even trusted Toshiya enough to tell him that he had been seeing a therapist the first thirteen years after the accident, leaving him wondering, questioning, where he went off to after rehearsal when they had started seeing each other more regularly and as something else than bandmates or friends.<br/>
“That idiot though loves you!” Toshiya mocked him, pulled him closer until their lips met for an innocent kiss. After all, they were in public, in front of a graveyard.<br/>
“And for that I’ll be forever grateful.” Kaoru whispered, kissed Toshiya again, pressed himself even closer before he let go again to not cause any scene.<br/>
“So – to, and please take note! To make you FEEL, we’ll drive to the inn now to get a room and then head out for breakfast? And when we’ll return, we’re gonna get into a nice hot spring and then, I think then I’ll take a nap and you rest too!” Toshiya announced, was proud that he could stop himself from saying to make Kaoru feel ‘better’. He did already feel better, and if not, that was okay too. No one forced him to feel in any particular way.<br/>
“Sounds good.” Kaoru nodded, was positively surprised by not being overwhelmed with too much. He could easily ditch the breakfast for some quick coffee and slice of cake from a café or StarBucks, but he also didn’t want to deny Toshiya recharging his energies and the plan about resting sounded good. A heavenly thought, he could fall asleep next to Toshiya soon enough, not think of anything else today but the man he loved and was alive for. Maybe, if it hadn’t been for Toshiya to come around and act like a child that needed Kaoru, he wouldn’t have made it, would have felt abandoned and lost in this cold world.<br/>
“I like the part where we’re in bed, undressed, no one to interrupt us… the best.” At the end of his statement Kaoru heard giggling, then a demanding ‘breakfast first!’.<br/>
“Sure.” Kaoru snickered too, lifted their hands that got intertwined again, pressed a kiss on Toshiya’s knuckles before he gave the hand free so they could drive to the inn they usually would stay in for those kinds of stays here. So many years had passed and it was the first time, Kaoru didn’t feel like that child who lost his family, but like a human again, who was able to breathe and also, to indulge in something else than forced onto pain and sadness, something so much sweeter.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. with every year, another lifetime (Kaoru/Die)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Die celebrates his birthday, with Kaoru only because he wishes for something, only the trusted man he calls his leader could ever give him.</p><p>No TW :)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Die was 22 when he told Kaoru the first time he loved him. They knew each other for not even a year, had hardly spoken with each other. The most he had ever talked with Kaoru since he had joined the band, was probably when they wanted the same sandwich and the vending machine only had one package left.<br/>
Die was 25 when he first kissed him, well, 2 days before his 25th birthday. He had pushed him against the cold wall of the venue after their last live for that year, had pressed his lips on the other’s mouth and then stormed away before Kaoru could react in any way or even kiss him back. He was so ashamed that he had been so careless with his emotions, that he hadn’t called him back for three weeks until they started rehearsing again for their next gigs.<br/>
And Die was 30, completely drunk and Kaoru completely sober when the leader went to pick up his bandmates from a greasy bar so they could continue their travel for the tour. A very scared and alcohol-drenched “You still love me?” made it over Die’s lips as Kaoru had propped him into the bunkbed, made sure he had enough water and wouldn’t roll out of the bed during the night. Kaoru had closed his eyes, knew his fellow guitarist just asked this so they all wouldn’t feel that much anger upon them by the next morning, had taken a deep breath and whispered: “Yes, I do love you, Die.”</p><p> </p><p>Now, approaching his 41st birthday, they were crouched in the seats of the plane on their way home from the China tour. Shinya, who always thought of Die even after they had said they wouldn’t gift each other things anymore, had handed him a little bottle of some very exclusive perfume in advance to his birthday. He had seen how longingly he had looked at the flacon three months ago when they were walking through the city and Shinya needed some skin care and Kaoru had made Die tag along so the drummer wouldn’t get lost in the city.<br/>
How thoughtful Kaoru had always been. Even, or maybe also especially after all the shit Die made them go through with his various tantrums and fits. Sitting next to him now felt like a privilege. This wonderful man who was not only an amazing composer, always coming up with the oddest and most intrusive ideas, but also an amazing friend. Maybe, the best anyone could wish for.<br/>
He withstood every moment of rage, every moment where Die wanted to quit and leave, felt as too bad of a guitarist, and he withstood every other weak moment Die had, when he couldn’t even speak about what troubled him because he had no idea about it either and felt like slowly losing his mind.<br/>
Kaoru had also offered him a helping hand, did never take off the responsibility or took off the work from Die, but he guided him, and for that, he was eternally grateful. Kaoru had given him the chance to become a guitarist on his own, not only let him play to the sheets he gave him.<br/>
And he even gave him counter; demanded, claimed, charged and held Die responsible for his actions or words.</p><p>Just as Kaoru turned his head to look at Die, had felt weirdly watched already, Die bit his lips, held back his smile.<br/>
“Hey.” Kaoru whispered, closed his eyes to let Die look without feeling ashamed for staring.<br/>
“Hey.” Die gave back, snorted silently at that stupid behaviour. How often had Kyo called them out for being like kids? Too often, too often. But some things never changed.<br/>
“Where’s your mind?” Kaoru snickered, turned his palm to show Die that he was okay with being a bit closer. His smile grew a bit more as he felt Die’s warm fingers running over his palm, coming to a rest. Like two pieces of a puzzle and heat flushed Kaoru. He was thankful that the lights in the plane were dimmed and his hair hid most of his face.<br/>
“Heaven.” Die let out silently. Lifting one finger up made both men giggle. Literal heaven, and because Kaoru was next to him, so close.<br/>
“You haven’t told me what you want for your birthday.” There was no question, IF he wanted something. If he wanted a gift from Kaoru, if he actually wanted a present at all, if he was here to celebrate, if he even wanted to celebrate.<br/>
“You.” Die said it as a joke, but there was more honesty behind his wish, than the bandleader probably knew.<br/>
“I’ll come visit anyway!” Kaoru squealed, said he’d get them some wine and a cake.<br/>
“No, don’t bring cake! I don’t like it and then it goes bad!” Die waved off, bit his lip again. He did like cake, but he didn’t want Kaoru to make such a fuzz out of it, to go out and buy cake only for them to eat two slices and then it’d be in Die’s fridge.<br/>
“Eh, it’s a birthday party and I want to eat cake at a birthday party.” Kaoru shot back, shrugged his shoulder. Even if it was only the two of them, he wanted Die to have a nice birthday. The past years it had always been work, especially when they had lives or were rehearsing between lives.<br/>
“Who’s coming too?!” Die asked, squeezed Kaoru’s hand demandingly. He didn’t want this to turn into a surprise party, Kaoru knew he didn’t like surprises. Neither the good and especially not the bad.<br/>
“No one, just us. You get wine and I’ll eat cake. That good for you?” Kaoru snorted. He wasn’t keen on seeing anyone else, not when it was Die’s birthday and he would visit. Of course Die had other friends and family whom he wanted to see. But when Die had approached him three months ago, asking if he would like to come by as he wouldn’t do anything grand this year, Kaoru had made it his mission, to make this day something special for Die. After all… Kaoru bit his lip at the memories they had made throughout all those years. He could very well remember some things that happened on some of those birthdays, or sometime later or before that day.<br/>
“Great! Then I’ll be drunk and you’ll get a shock from all the sugar!” Die mocked him. Turning on his side now, he shifted into a bit of a more comfortable position, took Kaoru’s other hand too.<br/>
“Can never get enough from something sweet.” Kaoru grinned, squeezed Die’s hands a last time before both drifted off in some light sleep.</p><p> </p><p>Die frowned at the present, held the bracelet between his fingers. It was – more than anyone had ever got him. It was so real, heavy but so delicate and it looked almost like Kaoru’s own.<br/>
“You don’t like it.” As soon as the statement spilled over Kaoru’s lips, Die blinked hastily, gasped for air and felt weirdly shoved away. Was this some kind of… friendship bracelet? He had such bracelets with other friends too. But with Kaoru? It felt like some sort of… rejection?<br/>
“No, no… it’s beautiful.” Die squealed. Everything Kaoru had gifted him was wonderful and unique and so well thought of that Die wanted to cry. He got so much although he had said he wanted nothing but his company. Maybe, that was a wish that would never be fulfilled, so he better gulped down the tears that started to make his sight blurry.<br/>
“But…?” Kaoru insisted, arched his eyebrows. He had awaited a more positive reaction honestly and now he felt stupid for gifting Die a bracelet. After all, Die liked to wear bracelets and also had some of his friends that he wore to their concerts and casual during studio time too.<br/>
“Nothing…! It’s!” Die shut his eyes close, waved it off with a cold smile: “I’m a bit overwhelmed by all your generosity!”<br/>
That wasn’t even a lie. Kaoru had gotten Die’s favourite cake, even though Kaoru didn’t like the jelly on top of the strawberries, but Die loved strawberry-coconut cake so of course he got him that one.<br/>
Kaoru clicked his tongue, looked away awkwardly. Of course Die would say something like that. He would never say if he didn’t like a gift, didn’t want others to feel bad for gifting him something. He wasn’t ungrateful but he also couldn’t hide his emotions from Kaoru. He never was able to hide them in front of Kaoru and the more die flinched and battled with himself to feed Kaoru off this lie, the more Kaoru got more confidence in his choices.<br/>
“That wasn’t even all!” he groaned. Promptly Die gasped, stared back at his bandmate who now shoved his plate with the half devoured cake aside to get into a more serious position. He neatly folded his hands on the table, tilted his head to let Die see his face when he spoke up again: “You weren’t really… explicit about your wish and I might get this very wrong now, but… is there anything you want to do, now that you… have me?”<br/>
Kaoru let his eyes closed, waited for Die to either speak up or-<br/>
Warm lips against his mouth, heat flushed Kaoru with more force than it had ever done when they were closer. Never had he felt this kind of excitement when he was with other people, not even with his ex-partners. Lowly Kaoru moaned, wanted to let Die understand that it was good, that he felt good. Die, scared as he was, mostly shocked about his own careless action, retreated, left Kaoru feeling cold.<br/>
“Sorry, I…” Kaoru heard Die gasping for air, felt the shift on the couch. Before Die could flee him now, Kaoru placed on hand on his thigh, squeezed reassuringly and hoped that Die would finished his sentence.<br/>
“I should have asked.” The whisper almost drowned in nervous pants that came out from lips that were caught between teeth. An amused snort escaped Kaoru, he grinned and remembered too well a time Die didn’t ask for this kind of admission: “I don’t remember you asking the first time you kissed me.”<br/>
“Y-You remember this?” Die gulped hard, felt embarrassed and exposed to his younger and dumber self, when he let his emotions run his mind.<br/>
How could I forget, when you, YOU, had kissed me the first time?; Kaoru offered Die another too gentle smile, dug his fingers in his thigh to calm him down.<br/>
“I also remember the first time you said you’d love me.”<br/>
Of course, back then Kaoru was overwhelmed, hadn’t had anyone say this to him ever in his life. He always felt unlovable, unattractive, uninteresting. No girl would ever hit on him, he had long hair and a weird style and was too occupied with music. At some point he drowned himself in so much music, told others and mostly himself that he wouldn’t have time for a girl anyway, music was much more important in his life.<br/>
How stupid he was back then. No, it wasn’t the fact, that he was actually very much not attracted to girls but men. It was the fact that he thought he could outrun any relationship and any feeling with striving for a band. He ran into Die with open arms, not knowing how many knifes the other guitarist was holding and stabbing him with over the years. Kaoru had given Die every knife and made him stab hard and painfully deep with every moment they were together but not together.<br/>
“Well… I don’t regret it, neither of those things.” Die shot back silently. With a bit more confidence, as Kaoru wasn’t running away or screaming at him or worse, laughing at him, Die placed his hand on top of Kaoru’s.<br/>
“On my behalf, I remember being drunk once – well, too many times, but I hope… you also don’t regret and… meant what you said to me on my 30th birthday.” Die bit his lip, let the memories flash before his eyes. They had partied all night in a club while Kaoru was being the responsible leader, cleaning the tour bus and preparing everything for the upcoming days before he came and picked them up.<br/>
“Nothing has changed about that.” Kaoru stated, knew exactly what he had said. For the longest he had thought Die had forgotten, he was completely wasted after all, didn’t even recall anymore how they came back into the bus by the next morning.<br/>
“Do you… still feel that way? About me?” a voiceless whisper. Die heard his own voice trembling, hoped, prayed that Kaoru would affirm.<br/>
“After all those years you still ask?” Kaoru laughed. He leaned forward, sealed their lips once more and felt Die kissing him back. Heaven, just as a couple days ago when the plane lifted off the ground.<br/>
“Sometimes it’s… comforting to know it explicitly.” Die joked as reference to his own not so very clear statement what he wanted for his birthday. ‘You’ didn’t count in any way for Kaoru as invitation to boldly give Die some kind of strip tease with the intention to ‘unwrap the gift’, but maybe he should have opted for that.<br/>
Die grinned into their kiss, deepened it to make him understand how much he wanted Kaoru. He should have known for the longest already in what way Die wanted him. Probably everyone apart of those two knew in which way Die wanted Kaoru, even before Die himself knew he was drawn towards Kaoru in that way. He had wondered for too many years why he never found a liking in kissing girls but the idea of having a relationship was the warmest and most wonderful he could imagine. That he was gay was never an option he allowed himself.<br/>
“I WANT you.” Die whispered with more emphasis, was sure that Kaoru would understand this now in combination with his actions.<br/>
“You’ve always had me.”<br/>
Resisting Die shook his head, took Kaoru’s hand and slowly shoved it upwards: “Not like that.” He felt his cheeks tainting from the heat of embarrassment as he made it so very clear how he wanted Kaoru and how much kissing him already turned him on. Knowing, that his tattooed hand, so gentle sometimes and so hard and unforgiving, so strong when he played guitar, was at his very intimate part of his body. Only two thin layers of fabric between those calloused and rough fingers and his sensitive flesh.<br/>
Kaoru was experienced, Die knew the moment he felt one finger stroking over his growing erection, so precisely as if he had no clothing on anymore. Quickly Kaoru let go of the bulge, leaned over and deepened the kiss, lifted Die up and placed him on his lap, kissed him with a force that would have brought a smile on Die’s lips if they weren’t kissing. Die moaned, jerked his hips against Kaoru’s, felt himself being pressed closer. All that he had ever dreamed of seemed to come true and on the one side he couldn’t be any happier but on the other side he was scared and didn’t know how to act, what to do.<br/>
“K-Kao…!” nervously Die fumbled with the collar of Kaoru’s t-shirt, rested his head against Kaoru’s. Gently his hand ran up and down his back, soothing and calming him down a bit. With every year he had held back, his fear of Kaoru’s reaction grew bigger and bigger and shoved all this away. That he would really find himself with Kaoru like this… He had only dreamed about such a situation, had never been like this with anyone else. So the more he feared what the other man would say, if Die told him.<br/>
Would he laugh at him? Would he go away and tell him to gain some experience before they would be together, as Die wanted? Would he believe him at all?<br/>
“You’ve never been with a man before…?” spot on. Kaoru could read him too easily after all those years.<br/>
Die huffed out, bit his lips and looked away, ashamed and embarrassed about his own inexperience. Kaoru lifted one hand, cupped Die cheek and made him look back again: “That was a serious question, not a judgement.”<br/>
“I’ve never been with a man.” Die whispered repellent between gritted teeth, felt like an adult child that should by his age already know about certain things but did in fact not know a thing.<br/>
“So? That’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Kaoru chuckled, but he understood the predicament Die found himself in. The first time Kaoru had been with a man was not the nicest time and for sure he had felt a bit ashamed at his age. He had held back stating that he still had been inexperienced and his partner back then hadn’t thought of a man being in his mid 30s to be that new to this. The more so, Kaoru was relieved that Die let him know before they would do something that could hurt Die.<br/>
“I’ve… also never been with a woman!” Die hissed lowly, ran one hand over his face at his statement. He should have just shut up, never said anything about this. Maybe the best thing to handle this would have been to go to a brothel or something like that and just get it done.<br/>
“Do you see this as something negative?” Kaoru asked back, put his hands on Die’s hips as he felt him leaning back and getting in a more upright position. Die lifted his face towards the ceiling, let the air stream out of his mouth: “Well yes! I mean I’m 41 now! And a virgin!”<br/>
“There’s nothing negative about this!” Kaoru shot back, grinned. Of course he could understand that it made Die feel ashamed, being at this age and having bluntly said zero experience. Kaoru himself had already felt like late bloomer when he had his first time with 23.<br/>
“Die…” softly Kaoru called his name, cupped one cheek to make him look back, to not get lost in stupid and completely unnecessary accusations: “Some people have slept with 20 others by the age of 40, some only with three or four by 80. Some marry as virgins and are only intimate with their spouse until the day they die.”<br/>
Die stared down between them, felt heat burning on his cheeks now that he so openly admitted about this. Although he was a bit thankful that Kaoru kept talking, it didn’t make the situation any better right now.<br/>
“I think my grandma has never even LOOKED at another man after my grandpa died when they were in their early 50s!” he laughed softly, bit his lips, hoped it would ease Die’s mind a bit. And it did, to some point because Die was smiling a bit, nodded.<br/>
“I guess…” Die wetted his lips, felt weirdly calmer now and safe to speak about this with Kaoru: “I didn’t like the idea of being gay for so long, that I waited so many years and then… it feels now as if it’s too late for me…!”<br/>
“Eh, I wasn’t the youngest either when I had my first time with a man!” Kaoru shrugged it off with a laugh. Cautiously he ran his hands down Die’s thigh, then up again and let them rest there.<br/>
Looking back at Kaoru now, Die bit his lip, saw something different in Kaoru’s eyes that he had never seen before. Before he’d abuse his own lip, Die rather used his teeth and caught Kaoru’s lip gently, tugged downwards so he could let his tongue dip into his mouth. The reaction came immediate, Kaoru’s lips vibrated against Die as he moaned. His hips jerked forward, hands pressing Die closer.<br/>
“So-So, today?” Kaoru gasped. With one hand he slid under Die’s shirt, let his fingers dance over his soft skin. Die snorted: “We can also wait until the clock strikes midnight!”<br/>
Chuckling amused over Die’s sudden hunger, Kaoru kissed him again. A bit more confident and calmer Die tried to do something, let his hands come to a rest on Kaoru’s shoulder, dug softly into his skin. It neither felt bad, nor any weird, just – good, really good.<br/>
Breaking the kiss once again, Kaoru frowned, looked up to Die’s eyes: “Why me?”<br/>
Die gasped at that question, could never imagine ever kissing another person in this world, allowing another person to be that close with him. He trusted Kaoru and he loved him, he loved him for so many years already that it was almost unbearable.<br/>
“Why NOT you?!” Die squealed, didn’t understand this at all. Kaoru shook his head, placed an innocent kiss on Die’s chest before he mumbled against an exposed part of his skin: “You could go out there and have EVERYONE.”<br/>
Die slung his arms around Kaoru’s neck, leaned back and sighed heavily in a dramatic manner: “But everyone is not you!”<br/>
A voiceless ‘okay’ against Die’s chest, Kaoru pressed his face flat against him, took a deep breath: “I just… want to make sure you really want this.”<br/>
“Kao, oh my god. I have a vibrator and other toys, I know how to pleasure myself and that I DO want this.” Die almost blurted out, felt heat again flushing his cheeks at his so violent confession. Now Kaoru felt stupid and embarrassed for discrediting Die of any kind of experience.<br/>
“Sorry! I – “ Kaoru interrupted himself and looked up to Die, offered him an apologetic smile for interrupting so often.<br/>
“My own experience wasn’t the nicest… and I don’t want this for you.” Kaoru admitted.<br/>
“Then, I think one reason more to entrust you with this…?” Die whispered and leaned forward again to kiss him. Affirmative Kaoru hummed into the kiss but then it hit him once again: “So! Bottom… or top…?”<br/>
Die’s eyes widened at that question. Of course he knew from various things he had read on the internet what those terms meant, but he had no idea what this meant for Kaoru.<br/>
“Guess I’d like to try both? With you.” he muttered, felt a wave of insecurity hitting him again. They would go to his bedroom and then he’d undress and then…<br/>
Die gasped for air, was more nervous than before any live they had ever given throughout their career. How would they start? And what should he do?<br/>
“Okay. And.. you tell me when something doesn’t feel good, yeah? Straight away, I won’t be angry or disappointed, I want to know what you like and don’t like!” Kaoru stated with a serious tone, patted on Die’s sides to make him get up from his lap.<br/>
“Yes, okay!” Die chuckled, was sure he would like everything Kaoru would do to him. He had always been too kind and a very careful man, he was sure that he wouldn’t do anything weird, especially not for a first time. Getting up and going around the couch, Kaoru followed Die up to his bedroom, felt his own heart beating faster than normal.<br/>
“Uh, is there anything you don’t like? From experience?” Die asked as he opened the door and turned on the lights. It had gotten rather late already and the sun was setting much too early during the winter months. Kaoru stepped up to the lights switch, turned them off again: “Too bright lights! Weirds me out…”<br/>
Close to him, Kaoru head Die chuckling, then a click and a very low and dimmed light flooded the floor in a warm tone. Approvingly Kaoru hummed, went up to Die and put his hands around his hips, guiding him towards the bed.<br/>
“Feet? Are a total turn off. Please leave my armpits be.” Kaoru whined, placed them both on the mattress.<br/>
“Ah, no, I think I won’t like that either!” Die grinned, pulled him down and kissed him but quickly got interrupted again: “And please don’t bite my nipples! They are sensitive!”<br/>
Die laughed out, let his thumb run over Kaoru’s chest, pressed slightly against Kaoru’s nipple as he felt it pressing through the fabric. Immediately Kaoru flinched, ground his hips against Die’s. Voicelessly Die made a surprise ‘oh’ as he felt an unmistaken erection pressing against his thigh.<br/>
“Said I’m sensitive there…!” Kaoru smiled. Sinking down on Die’s body, Kaoru kissed his jawline, down his neck, heard Die gasping at every gentle touch. How he would sound, when they’d do more than just kissing? Kaoru smiled to himself, nudged his face against Die’s chest and then looked up to him once more. Heat flushed his whole body at the thought that Die wanted him, loved him, trusted him. And so he gave it back, loved him in a way, he had never again wanted to be with any other person than Die. For the longest, his heart had been Die’s, and now, he belonged to Die, completely.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. *Cosmic – star crossed lovers (Die/Toshiya)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Die and Toshiya celebrate Die’s birthday and Christmas together and an old wildfire finally can roar up again.<br/>Alternatively: in which Die says YOLO and Toshiya is a hopeless romantic</p><p>(*) : a Christmas chapter! (I'm very much late with this, ik, the Christmas spirit isn't right there this year sadly)</p><p> </p><p>There was this initial thought from a quote of ‘The Chaos of Stars’ by Kiersten White : “And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.” (the book is… okay-ish, the quote is pure love, I love it)</p><p>Possible TW (?) fear of abandonment, eating disorder/disordered eating behaviours</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As every year, when the sunny hours got less and less and the warm afternoons on the balcony changed into cold walks between withering trees, Toshiya felt this old ache creeping up. Slowly but steadily his smile got smaller and smaller until he’d feel this tight knot in his throat and all he wanted to do was drive home to his parents, drink some warm tea and enjoy the view of snowy mountains form underneath a cozy blanket.<br/>Toshiya had always felt like the little brother, homesick when they were on tours and even left the country. And Die, he felt alone and abandoned, moved away from his mother to explore the city and pursue a career as musician. Where music made them cross their paths, this mutual feeling of homesickness brought them together. It had taken Die years to give in and let Toshiya see how much he missed having a home. After his mother moved into a smaller flat when Die’s father had passed away, Die hadn’t felt ‘home’ ever since. No matter how much his mother loved her new flat, and the one she got later, Die felt stripped off his roots, his origin.<br/>Something though, never changed and it was the feeling that Toshiya could give him. A home within his arms every night they were on tour, every night they shared a hotel room, far off from Japan, every evening on the tour bus.<br/>When Die was with Toshiya, the world around them could fall apart and he wouldn’t even bother to open an eye.<br/>After Die’s mother had passed away four years ago, there was no reason anymore to leave Osaka for his birthday and then, Christmas. Usually he had stayed with her for those days if they weren’t on tour. His uncle would come too for some food and booze, and they would eat cake and drink hot plum wine. But even that had stopped and Die didn’t want to go and visit her grave and drink, then already cooled down, plum wine alone, feeling the coldness of the winter haunting him.<br/>Many other things changed too, that seemed so marginal to the people around him. He had fallen into a spiral of intrusive thoughts haunting him until he couldn’t trust himself anymore, nor Toshiya and he hurt the bassist with shoving him away for too long, but Toshiya had always had a persistent nature and also tactfulness. So he gave Die the freedom he needed, didn’t hold him back but was always an arm reach away.<br/>But, Toshiya, who had for the longest been a pest and wanted to make Die tag along when he would visit his family, when they weren’t on tour and Toshiya could drive up all the way to his parent’s house on the countryside, finally had the guts to do something different than have Die sit all alone at home. After all, home wasn’t his flat in which he lived for the past five years? So, he wanted to do something different and had rent a little house on the countryside, not far off Osaka, that was quite recluse. He had packed his bass and Die’s guitar, because obviously they couldn’t take a break from doing music, and he had packed Die along with some other things for their stay.</p><p> </p><p>When Die and Toshiya arrived at the little house, both men were a bit perplexed. ‘Recluse’ was a joke, the next house was about 20 kilometers away. At least no one would mind them blasting music loud, Toshiya joked as he started unpacking and exploring the house. Die took his suitcase he had packed for the week, dragged it into the house and stumbled over some old books right away.<br/>“There must have been someone to clean up and forgot to put them back apparently.” Toshiya noted, shoved them aside a bit so they could pass. Wordlessly Die walked up to the bedroom, found a big mattress and nodded to himself. At least that. When the nights were too long, they would usually cuddle up like baby cats, limbs entwining with each other, touching, in need of the other so close, they felt each other’s heartbeat. That was all Die could offer Toshiya, after his world had fallen apart when he lost his mother.<br/>“Don’t think about it.” Toshiya muttered as he saw Die looking out of the big window in the bedroom. He didn’t want to come here, had told Toshiya off, that he should go and visit his family. After all, he still had family. Cautiously he put his hands on Die’s shoulder, pressed a kiss on his head and hoped he’d come back to him again and not get lost in his thoughts.</p><p>Die kept silent for the rest of their first evening, helped Toshiya set up everything. They put the books back in the shelf in the entry area again, sat a bit on the couch there to drink some tea Die had prepared while Toshiya put all groceries in the fridge. It was a nice house, small and old, but it felt nice, being here with Toshiya.<br/>“So, - “ Toshiya cleared his throat, looked into his cup of tea. It was green tea with jasmine, his favourite. Die would always make it when the loneliness hit the bassist and he’d wake up crying and shaking, clinging onto Die as if he was drowning.<br/>“Tomorrow’s your birthday…! And I know you said you don’t want a cake – “ Toshiya’s uplifting voice was promptly interrupted by a harsh “I won’t eat a piece of cake if you made one”.<br/>Toshiya kept breathing in slowly, silently, nodded. He knew that sometimes Die still had a hard time with this all, treating himself, allowing himself a treat. Even, without him accomplishing anything or working for it. Mostly, working out until he fell off the treadmill, sweating, gasping for air, his legs trembling.<br/>“That’s okay.” Toshiya whispered, offered Die a smile he could only fake. Maybe it would get easier, maybe Die would stop refusing everything Toshiya had planned for their stay.<br/>“If you want you can light the candle? And blow it out of course!” Toshiya said, looked back at his tea again. Home wasn’t always easy, gave him a hard time too, but it was always there. Die was always there too when they were so young and Toshiya wanted nothing more than to go back to his family.<br/>Now, Die was his family. All the guitarist could say was a faint ‘sorry’ before he got up and left to take shower.</p><p>While Toshiya was cooking dinner Die made the bed, took care that everything was placed exactly where it should be. Toshiya’s pillow on the right side towards the door, Die’s pillow on the window side, the big blanket in the middle, one small blanket far on the right side for Toshiya. For when Die would steal the blanket and roll in it and Toshiya didn’t want to steal it back and risk to wake him up. Their pyjamas neatly folded on the pillows, a pack of tissue papers and nose spray on the floor next to Toshiya’s side, a little additional pillow with a pick on a leather string and a hair ribbon on Die’s side. A water bottle on each side, along with a memo booklet and some pens.<br/>A last time Die glanced into the room, then walked up to the window and took off the curtains. No one would peep in anyway and they always loved to look out for the stars, hardly ever saw some in the big city. Running his hand over the blanket a last time, Die felt the familiar fabric under his palm, took in the scent of the washing powder Toshiya always used for the bedlinen.</p><p>To help Toshiya a bit more, Die prepared the little table in the kitchen, filled them both water in glasses and cooked some tea, glanced into the pots where Toshiya did his magic.<br/>“Hungry?” Toshiya smiled, leaned against the kitchen counter. The curry was ready, the rice already on the table. Die shook his head slightly, but then said, he would have to eat anyway what Toshiya appreciated and thanked him for.<br/>“It’s even a bit spicier than usually!” Toshiya announced, took the pot off the stove and went over to the table, waited for Die to join.<br/>“Why do you do this?” Die frowned, knew that Toshiya didn’t like eating too spicy and always got a really read face when Die would cook a bit spicier for them. Toshiya shrugged it off with a laugh: “Because you like it?!”<br/>Die nodded, filled their bowls with rice, put curry in Toshiya’s bowl first, then in his: “And why… why do you do … this here?”<br/>Die didn’t understand, felt guilty and embarrassed, so wrong in this situation. Toshiya should be at his family, celebrate Christmas with them, meet his sisters and his brothers and his cousins and the rest of his so big family. He always loved to be with his family, would tell Die so much about them. And now he sat there, with the broken pieces of what once had been such a wonderful dream.<br/>“Because I want to.” Toshiya stated boldly, started eating and looked out of the windows. It looked as if it would start to snow soon, maybe they’d have snow for Christmas?</p><p>After their rather late dinner and Die doing the wash-up while Toshiya took a shower too, changed from his jeans and shirt into the pyjama, they settled for the bed, let the exhaustion hit them. Even if they hadn’t really done much today, such things drained Die, made him lose himself in his thoughts and it took Toshiya time and energies to pull Die out again.<br/>Cuddled up in the bed, Die turned his back towards Toshiya, looked out in the night sky if he’d spot some stars. Gentle, innocent, and done ever too often Toshiya’s arm wrapped around Die’s waist, pulled him closer again. Nuzzling his face into Die’s soft hair, Toshiya let out a sigh and started relaxing his shoulders. Usually he was always so tensed up that he couldn’t fall asleep for hours until Die had told him that his shoulders were too tensed up and that was why he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep.<br/>Shifting slightly against each other, Toshiya worked his hands up on Die’s shoulder, squeezed his skin gently, just enough to make Die sigh to his touch.<br/>“Toshiya?” faintly Die called for him, checked if he was still awake enough and not drifting off. Lowly Toshiya hummed, placed a kiss on Die’s shoulder before he held his breath as he heard Die’s voice breaking: “I miss her. I miss her so much.”<br/>A shudder followed, made Toshiya flinch back at first instinct but then hold the guitarist in a firm embrace as he tensed up more, shivered and pressed his hand flat on his face, tried to silence his sobs.<br/>“I know…” Toshiya whispered into Die’s hair, held him as the shivers got worse and more and more sobs filled the bedroom.</p><p>When Die’s mother died, they were on tour, had two days of lives coming up, would leave for the US the day after those two concerts. Die was changing in his stage outfit, the little backstage room was hardly big enough to fit the whole team in as they had to share the rooms with some other bands that also had concerts at the venue. Die’s phone had been going off for some minutes already until Kyo pointed it out, was irritated by the noise he couldn’t locate at first. Die waved it off, excused himself for a second. An unknown number. He went out on the hallway, but there it was too loud from the concert that was ongoing and staff members running around, so he went back in, showed the others to dim it down a bit so he could hear a thing.<br/>Toshiya would never forget that smile, Die had put on as he put the phone away after a brief minute and gave himself a nod, bit down the tears that started to blur his sight.</p><p>“Come here.” It was a mere attempt to calm Die down a bit. Toshiya sat up and leaned against the wall, pulled Die between his legs and took one of the tissues, handed it Die. Mending Die’s hair a bit, Toshiya stroked over them, put his hands on Die’s arms and rubbed them gently.<br/>After some time Die whispered: “It’s so unfair…”. Shaking his head, he tried to compose himself, leaned back against Toshiya who held his arms around Die’s chest, was slowly lulling him to sleep with nothing but his warm body pressing against Die’s.<br/>“You’ll always be her son.” Toshiya spoke with a calm voice, pulled the blanket up to Die’s shoulders and sank back with him again. Wriggling into a more comfortable position, Die bit his lips, held back the next wave of tears that was choking him off air. Toshiya was right, he’d always be his mother’s son, but she was gone, so who was he now?<br/>Die turned around to face Toshiya again, rested his head on the bassist’s chest. Slowly he calmed himself down again, thought about some moments of his life where he felt like a real adult who still was able to make his mum proud without needing her help. There were so many of those moments, maybe the first time he stood on a stage with his bandmates when they weren’t even sure if they would continue to work together after a very short time of knowing each other.<br/>Back then, Die had already felt an immediate connection to Toshiya, had seen how lost and alone he seemed. He had said he was all fine, was a grown up anyway who didn’t need his parents around, that was uncool anyway, right?, and Die had seen how homesick he was. For once he didn’t feel vulnerable anymore for missing home, when he had Toshiya, who shared this loneliness for so many years. What had started out as bandmates being there for each other and casually offering a shoulder to cry on, had turned into what one might call a family of two. They had shared secrets, emotions, thoughts, plans for their future. A future together, only the two of them, kissing each other good night every day, waking up next to each other. But all their dreams broke apart within seconds of fear and abandonment.<br/>Now, Die listened to the steady heartbeat, nudged against Toshiya’s hand as he tucked some hair behind Die’s ear, caressed his cheek ghostlike with his thumb. It reminded him of all those nights spent together, naked and awake, on the tour bus when the engine was a rhythmic reminder that they weren’t at their destination yet, that he could fall asleep in Toshiya’s arms, knowing he was save. And so he did.</p><p>The morning of Die’s birthday was unspectacular in the meaning of Die putting his phone on the couch table, waiting for Toshiya to get so annoyed to the point where he’d start replying all the messages that came popping in, making the phone vibrate on the wood.<br/>“This is Kao! Pick up!” Toshiya hissed and shoved the phone into Die’s face to make his smug grin go away. Die had always hated to reply to those messages and as much as he loved his friends and felt so loved that they thought about him, he just wanted some peace.<br/>Grinning like an idiot after he listened to Kyo, Shinya and Kaoru sing him Happy Birthday, he scolded them to stop sticking in the studio and finally leave to their families for Christmas. With a huff he started reading the messages from friends and close and also not so close family members. E-mails from fans, the management, some dudes he had once seen years ago and couldn’t even remember having them met, strangers, his neighbours even! Toshiya stood behind Die, giggled over every love confession a fan made, put some kisses on Die’s head when he’d reply to them to show him, that Toshiya loved him too.<br/>“Okay! I know you made me some birthday cake! Bring it on, I want a piece!” Die laughed out as Toshiya mocked him that even his fans and friends told him to enjoy his birthday cake. Toshiya squeezed Die’s sides, made him flinch and shoot him a dark grin, before he went around the kitchen counter and opened the fridge. He took out a small box and put it on the counter, lifted his index to tell Die to wait. Quickly he went to the bedroom to his suitcase where he took out a candle and a box of matches, went back to the kitchen. Die sat put, a smug grin on his face, his hands folded neatly on the wooden surface of the counter.<br/>“Oh you spoiled little thing!” Toshiya groaned and walked over to Die, put a kiss on his cheek that made Die snicker even more. Standing next to Die who had no intention to move or look away, Toshiya opened the box to reveal a muffin, put the candle in the middle and lighted it up.<br/>“Happy Birthday, I love you.” Toshiya fluted and waited for Die to say something. Confounded, he looked at that muffin and repeated Toshiya’s words in his head. For a hot minute Die couldn’t respond, had to run through all his thoughts to understand this.<br/>“That’s a muffin.” It was all he could say, blinked at the little sweet. Toshiya nodded eagerly, said that Die had told him he wouldn’t eat cake. On that Die snorted amused, leaned back against Toshiya’s shoulder: “God, I love you.”<br/>Toshiya bit his lip, held back smiling like an idiot, but hell, he loved Die and if Die loved him too, he could smile like an idiot. So he did, smacked another kiss on Die’s cheek and gave him a firm hug.<br/>“Alright, give me a knife to cut this in two.” Die snickered, blew out the candle before it would drip on the sugar glaze.<br/>“You’re sharing?” Toshiya fluted, knew that Die wouldn’t eat a whole muffin in his life. He was still much too strict with himself, but Toshiya didn’t mind, wanted to make him feel comfortable and if this would make him feel more comfortable, so then it be.<br/>“Only today…” a clean cut in the middle, Die took up one half, slid the paper with the second half over to Toshiya: “And only with you.”<br/>A dark grin on his lips before he tasted the muffin, watched Toshiya shaking his head and smiling back at him.</p><p>They spent the rest of the day, and the following days, going on a short hike and playing some music, drinking wine and singing along the CD’s Toshiya found in the living room area. They were old albums both musicians knew and loved and as no one was near the house they turned them on full volume and danced to the music.<br/>Their nights they spent cuddled up together, bodies almost merging into one underneath the blanket. Hushed kisses, ghostlike touches, whispered confessions and the sweetest memories of their journey together were shared. Die laughed at Toshiya’s stories and Toshiya kissed him for every so sweet and joyful laugh that made it over Die’s lips. It had been too long since Toshiya last laughed so much with Die, felt so connected with him again.</p><p>“Do you hear this?” Die whispered after some time. It was late in the night, but both men couldn’t sleep, had to reassure themselves that the other was still there, still awake. A soft stroke of Die’s finger along Toshiya’s shoulder, the response almost immediate, an affirming squeeze of his hand on Die’s back. It was the night before Christmas, and they felt like young boys, full of happiness and eager to find out what the surprise would be.<br/>“Hmmm?” Toshiya hummed and then listened. He looked over Die’s head out of the window, then back to Die. His face was fully relaxed, eyes close and a soft smile on his lips.<br/>“It’s going to snow. It’s silent.” Die whispered fearfully, wanted to have Toshiya hear this special kind of silence. It was magical for Die. When the snowfall dimmed down every other sound of the earth, when everything was silent and at peace and the earth was alive, was putting its own blanket over the ground.<br/>“White Christmas… how special.” Toshiya whispered back, placed another gentle kiss on Die’s forehead, tucked him closer. Die got on his elbow, looked back down on Toshiya who gave him a soft smile: “This is the best gift.”<br/>Die couldn’t even hold back the tears that started to run down his cheeks, he could only smile and let the heat burn in him. He was so grateful to have Toshiya, that he organized this trip and as much as Die had refused to do this, to strip Toshiya off from seeing his family, as much he now was grateful and loved him for this chance.<br/>Softly Toshiya called his name, cupped his cheek and wiped away some tears: “YOU are the best gift.”<br/>Sinking back, resting his head against Toshiya’s, Die breathed out, pressed his eyes shut: “I love you.”<br/>Toshiya grinned like an idiot, he couldn’t even hold back and as much as he wanted to do so very different things, he smiled and whispered: “I love you too.”<br/>Because he would always love him, no matter what would come between them. Toshiya had faced all darkness in Die already, and he loved him nevertheless and maybe even more.<br/>Eagerly Die shook his head, looked at Toshiya with something so fierce in his eyes that the bassist hadn’t seen in years: “You don’t …!”<br/>He left is unspoken, but not unexpressed. The heat that had started to spread in his chest, ignited an unexpected hunger in his body, woke a tingling in his legs and arms, it started to devour Die as whole. As forceful as he had done too often in earlier years when that hunger was almost unbearable, Die leaned forward again, pressed his lips on Toshiya’s, causing him to moan. Surprised but so very positively surprised, Toshiya ran his hands up Die’s back, pulled him closer against his chest, responded to the kiss with the same fierce attitude Die put into it. Frowning, why all of a sudden Die came crashing back at him like the ocean that had retreated from shore, Toshiya grabbed his shoulder with one hand, dug his fingers into the tensed up skin. Die gave in, slid impossibly closer, moaned into their kiss that was interrupted for a brink of a second. A hot tongue licked over Die’s lips, made him jerk his hips forward against Toshiya. Quickly, not risking that moment to flee, Die ran one hand down Toshiya’s chest, slipped under his shirt to feel his heartbeat against his palm. Hot, too hot, and so immensely good; Die opened his lips, crashed them against Toshiya’s again. Shifting on the mattress, Toshiya pulled Die closer, held his hips as he pressed them against his own and let Die feel in what way he loved him, still loved him.<br/>“I think, I DO understand…!” Toshiya snickered as a low grumble fled Die’s mouth and they broke their kiss. Nudging their noses against each other, both men smiled at each other, Die’s hand coming up from under the shirt to run his fingers through Toshiya’s hair, tug those black strands out of his face.<br/>“I thought you wouldn’t… want this anymore…” Die whispered fearfully, closed his eyes again. Toshiya snickered, ran one hand through Die’s hair, one finger along his jawline: “I’ve never stopped wanting you in THAT way.”<br/>The realization hit Die differently than he had thought it would. For the past few months he had thought thoroughly about this, if he should approach Toshiya on that again, if he wanted this kind of closeness and intimacy between them. Again, still.<br/>It confused Die, brought up more questions than answers. After he had retreated from everything and everyone, he thought he would never be able to be touched by anyone. He even didn’t like to touch himself, to grant him this kind of joy. He didn’t deserve this and the longer he had avoided Toshiya in the first few weeks after his mother had passed away and Die’s world started to crumble, he got angry at himself. At some point he thought it was too late, that Toshiya had accepted this and just waited for that day to come when Die would let go forever. But they never did and stuck with each other through all days and nights. It was until Die had given Toshiya a neck massage some weeks ago, heard him moan lowly at the treatment and a spark had settled in Die he tried to ignore at first. But the closer they were again, the more this spark set in flames until Die couldn’t handle it anymore and thought he might either try and see if Toshiya still wanted him or…<br/>“I’m so sorry… I love you, I’m sorry…” another tidal wave of guilt made Die tear up. For how long had he let Toshiya wait? The bassist had sat put and waited, watched out for him, was always there when Die was hurt and Die hurt him, left him bleeding because he didn’t want him anymore, couldn’t stand to be close with anyone.<br/>“Die…!” Toshiya pressed him closer again, put his head on his chest and rubbed over his back as guilt made him shiver and tense up.<br/>“You wasted – I made you waste so many years!” Die gasped, bit his lip to stop his crying. Toshiya should be the one to cry and be angry, not Die. Die mistreated him, shoved him away, denied him of his love that he couldn’t give anymore.<br/>“No. I gave you time, the time you needed. And still need.” Toshiya whispered with a serious voice. He hated nothing more than when Die would start accusing himself, insulting himself, putting all hurt and anger on him instead of letting go and just be.<br/>“Because I love you.” he added, put a kiss on Die’s head.<br/>“But you only have this one life?” Die was persistent, needed more reassurance, but that only lead to Toshiya laughing, shaking off this cold feeling, that ache of something from the past: “And I choose to spend this one life with you.”</p><p> </p><p>It was so silent when Toshiya woke up the next morning. He feared the coldness that was surrounding him was because Die had left for Osaka. Tossing around Toshiya slid his arm over the vacant side of the bed, felt the warmth from Die’s body having laid there until recently. So he was still somewhere around. Toshiya grabbed for his little blanket and wrapped himself into it as it was too cooled down for this bright morning, and tip-toed over to the bathroom. Looking out of the window he thought it was not real, it was really snowing. For a moment Toshiya smiled all to himself, thought that Die might be up and preparing breakfast already. But when Toshiya walked up to the kitchen, he also didn’t find Die there, but the front door was open a slit, let the cold air in.<br/>It smelled like snow, was icy cold around Toshiya’s feet as he set up some coffee and heated up milk. He had packed some cookies Shinya had made for them and given Toshiya before he left. Humming to himself while the coffee dripped into the cups, Toshiya put the cookies on a plate, checked on the milk in the pot and then went over to the window, found what he was looking for.<br/>The image was purely amusing, but also a bit concerning the bassist. Die stood bare as he was in only his pyjama on the porch, head tilted towards the sky.<br/>Taking a cup of coffee and the blanket still around his shoulders Toshiya went out, hissed silently at the cold feeling on his toes. When he went closer to Die, he spotted a smile on his face, snowflakes slowly melting on his cheeks and lips. Flushed by a warm feeling, Toshiya put the cup on the window sill and laid his lips on Die’s, stole the melted snowflakes from his mouth.<br/>“How long are you already out here?” Toshiya groaned, Die’s lips were already ice cold, but that didn’t stop him from standing out here, embracing the first snowfall of the season. Breathing out in his hands, Toshiya took the blanket from his shoulders and wrapped them around Die’s, rubbed his arms.<br/>“It’s magical!” Die grinned, kept his eyes closed but opened his mouth to catch some more snowflakes. Toshiya snorted, stepped behind Die and pulled him in a warm hug. His hair still smelled of the lemon and ginger shampoo he always used, mixed with the faint scent of lavender from the blanket. It was a comfort to his mind, sent a shiver down Toshiya’s spine. Goosebumps covered his skin immediately, made him nudge closer to Die.<br/>“How old are you?” Toshiya mocked as he saw Die stretching his tongue further out, giggling like an idiot.<br/>“Rumour has it that I’ve passed the 30s some time ago!” Die joked, got tickled immediately by Toshiya who snorted he rather passed the age three. Pulling softly on Die’s hips Toshiya let go and they went back in again and prepared proper breakfast, Die snuggling into the blanket and sniffing a bit. With a smug grin Toshiya proposed to take a hot bath as it was Christmas anyway and he was not up to replying to all the messages they got so far already. Of course Shinya was the first to write them, Kyo too as he was a notorious early riser and Kaoru probably ordered them to write each other a message. The leader himself was of course sleeping in late, so Toshiya didn’t care too much for a message from him before three in the afternoon or later.</p><p>The bathwater was ready soon, Toshiya put a towel on the counter, waited for Die to come as he was grabbing for fresh clothes form his suitcase. Wrapped in his bathrobe he came up to the bathroom and spotted Toshiya sitting on the edge, still fully clothed but with a little wrapped up something in his hands.<br/>“Oh… “ Die let out immediately as he saw the prepared towel, just one. So, he would take the bath alone? Toshiya turned around with a hum, couldn’t stop himself from letting his eyes wander over Die’s silhouette that was still hidden in the cosy fabric of the bathrobe. He knew that body, anyway, knew its curves and edges, those long and thin legs, the flat back and the little bumps of his ribs when Die would stretch in the night and take a deep breath.<br/>“I thought.. I know we said no presents!” Toshiya waved it off, put the little wrapping on the tiles and gestured to them: “But I know you enjoy a good bath with some essence.”<br/>Die nodded shortly, felt oddly cold as he had no present at all, nothing. And Toshiya even thought about him! Taking a deep breath and shoving the upcoming thoughts away, he also shoved the bathrobe away, let it fall down on the floor carelessly before he lifted one leg and stepped in, whispered a suppressed ‘hot’.<br/>“It’s-“ Toshiya faltered, cleared his throat as he saw Die like that. Hot, yes, that was how he looked like, what Toshiya felt in his core. They hadn’t done anything ever since and to say it didn’t leave him with some tension, especially after last night, would straight up be a lie.<br/>“A bathbomb.” He finished after Die shot him a questioning glance. Humming with a smile on his lips, Die sank down into the water and took up the wrapper to rip it open.<br/>“Coconut?” he grinned, smelled on the little round bomb. Toshiya nodded, didn’t dare to stand up now: “And apple and cinnamon. A Christmas edition.”<br/>Again he cleared his throat, watched Die putting his hands underwater, the bomb floating and dissolving with a sizzling sound. Die waved with his hands under water, ran them up his arms and shoulders, then looked back at Toshiya who still sat put, no intention to leave or join. Then, Die would have to make him make a move: “Thank you.” he smiled and lifted up, waited if Toshiya would lean in for kiss. Right as the bassist kissed away the grin from Die’s lips, he lifted his arm and slung it around Toshiya’s neck, wetting his shirt. Promptly he snorted, complained that he got all wet now.<br/>“Then, how about you join? There’s enough space.” Die proposed, sank back in the water and slid away from the front, watched Toshiya who hesitated for a second.<br/>Then again, they had done so much more than kiss or share a bath together. Shinya and Kyo had walked in on them so often during tours, that they stopped caring when things got heated between them. If after all this time there still was something in Die that made him want Toshiya, then the bassist would offer it him, he’d offer him the world.<br/>With a slight blush on his cheeks Toshiya got out of his clothes, didn’t look at Die who seemingly enjoyed himself and liked what he saw. Turning off the lights, they wouldn’t need them anyway as the window was big enough to let some daylight in, Toshiya stepped in, sank into the water.</p><p>The bathbomb sizzled all to itself between them. Both men adjusted to the darker atmosphere for some moments before Die slid closer again. Out of – was it fear? Fear of rejection? – a fit of panic Toshiya flinched back, then stretched his arm out immediately as he saw Die coming much closer, closing up the space between them completely. With a firm grip on Toshiya’s shoulder, their lips crashing against each other, Die got on his knees, placed himself between Toshiya’s legs. The startled moan that escaped Toshiya’s lips made Die grin into their kiss, deepen it even more.<br/>Being a bit more playful as he felt Die not retreating, Toshiya put his hands on Die’s hips, lifted him up on his lap. The water splashed around their bodies, twirled Die’s long hair around them. Breaking their kiss for a moment, Toshiya twisted Die’s hair, looked back at him.<br/>It was only a shallow breath between another kiss, another smile, another tug on Toshiya’s hair: “I want you.” and slowly Toshiya’s hand slid to Die’s back, pulled him closer.</p><p> </p><p>Propped on the couch in some cosy sweatpants and ugly Christmas sweaters they had gifted each other some years ago, Toshiya spread himself, blurted along the Christmas carols. Die put his head to rest on Toshiya’s chest, giggled at every wrong pronounced English word until he felt defeated enough to correct the bassist and sang along.<br/>Toshiya had lighted up a candle, a green one, he said, because they wouldn’t have a Christmas tree but he wanted to have at least something green. Spreading the holiday atmosphere even further, he had packed the CD that Die had made for him what felt a century ago. Well, he had made it in the last millennium and they always played it on Christmas, no matter how annoyed Kyo got from that “Christmas Spirit”. It was Die’s favourite holiday and Kaoru never dared to debate with a child because Die turned into a child when it was that time of the year. So, the CD had been on loop in the tour bus or the backstage room at venues, without any expectations.<br/>To make it even better and more festive, and as Toshiya wasn’t with his family this year, his sister had brought him their “family special” before Toshiya left the city with Die. A roasted goose with vegetables, filled potato dumplings, stew, she even packed dessert and a bottle of red wine. Sometimes Toshiya’s sister knew exactly how to treat Die, when Toshiya felt overwhelmed and feared he would overdo. But it seemed perfect this year. Maybe, because Die laid in Toshiya’s arms and none of them would want it any other way.<br/>Glancing at Die, Toshiya still couldn’t get a hold of it, of what they had done almost an hour ago in the bathtub. It felt too much like a dream, being here in this reclusive little house, snow outside on Christmas, both mending and caring the broken pieces of their past. Healing.</p><p>“Totchi….!” Die repeated for the third time already, got on one elbow and turned around, rather ungracefully. With a surprised hum Toshiya blinked and listened, snorted annoyed for a second as Die practically shoved the ringing phone into Toshiya’s face.<br/>“Hi mum!” Toshiya smiled as he picked up, tucked Die back on his chest. In a choir all of the assembled family members blurted their Christmas wishes in the phone, making Toshiya laugh and scrunch his nose. They were so odd, but he loved his family.<br/>“How are you? Is it snowing over at your place in Osaka too? Mayu and Kim already built a snowman, you should see it, he has three noses! Have you slept well? Is Die with you?” Toshiya got flooded with questions, but only one was important.<br/>“Yeah, he’s with me.” Toshiya smiled, pressed a silent kiss on Die’s head, shoved him up further.<br/>“Pass me over! Say our greetings to him! How is he doing? Did he eat well too and not overwork?” God, how caring his mother sounded! Toshiya scrunched his nose even more in embarrassment, rubbed over his eyes. Die snickered lowly as he heard her voice, so full of joy and care.<br/>“He’s doing fine too!” Toshiya answered. With his free hand he cupped Die’s cheek, heard his mother on the phone talk about the kids, the grandkids, Toshiya’s aunt who also came to visit over the holidays. Toshiya didn’t care much, all he cared about was the man in his arms, and so he kissed him silently, kissed that smug grin away.<br/>“No but Toshi are you listening! You HAVE to come for New Year’s with Die!” his mother insisted to which Toshiya replied that he’d talk about it with Die.<br/>“Wait, is he with you right now? Is he here?!” Die smacked his hand in his face, shook his head, he didn’t want to talk with her or accept the invitation, before he would really talk with Toshiya if they wanted to go up to his parents.<br/>“Yes he’s here right… next to me…” Toshiya’s voice got softer from that first so eager and almost annoyed-sounding tone.<br/>“Ah, I think I was interrupting! Then I’ll let you enjoy and celebrate!” Toshiya snorted, felt heat on his cheeks and in this chest. Die blushed too, bit his lips.<br/>“Tell him mum said hi!” promptly Die’s mouth gaped open, he stared at the little device in Toshiya’s hand, then in Toshiya’s face.<br/>“Mum said hi!” Toshiya repeated, ignored the glimmering in Die’s eyes, how tensed up he got in a brink of a second. Carefully he caressed his cheek, tucked some hair behind his ears before he asked with a low voice: “You want to drive up to them for New Year’s?”<br/>Again tears flooded Die’s face. Quickly he pressed it against Toshiya’s chest, nodded eagerly before he’d start sobbing incoherently, trying to tell him how much this meant for him.<br/>“Mum?! We’re coming for New Year’s, you hear?” Toshiya blurted into the phone as he heard rumbling and loud chats. Apparently they were on speaker and everyone chatted with each other.<br/>“Oh! Fabulous! Pack your snow gear, it’s really a lot of snow and ice cold! Would you like to go up the hill for midnight? Your dad bought some fireworks and your brothers had planned to do a little camp fire in the garden so we could grill outside in the afternoon.” Immediately everyone shared their plans and chatted chaotically wild and loud.<br/>“Mum! Mum! Don’t overdo! Okay? We’re coming! No need to lure us with your one of a kind ginger rice cake aaaand mushroom stew with deer meat…?!” Toshiya taunted, knew that his mother would cook those dished if he’d mention them.<br/>“Sly!” Die grinned, wiped over his face to smile at Toshiya who kept running his fingers through Die’s hair, massaging the back of his neck. Skittishly Toshiya shrugged his shoulder, mumbled that with his mother those things worked. Die lifted one eyebrow, put his index on Toshiya’s chest: “You sure do know how to get what you want.”<br/>Snapping after his finger with his teeth as Die let them run over Toshiya’s lips, Toshiya mumbled that he already had everything he could ever wish for. A warm and fuzzy feeling spread in Die’s stomach, made him roll his hips against Toshiya. Taunting; now that he knew it was okay, even wanted, desired, to be that close again, Die didn’t want to hold back what he had held back for too long.<br/>“And does Die still like wagashi and oh I should get some sparkling wine and drinks, right?” Toshiya’s mother ran on autopilot, ready to get last groceries done before his son would come and bring his friend, boyfriend? She didn’t really know, but she never cared, all that mattered for her was that they were happy and could be together when they wanted to.<br/>“Yeah he still likes it! Red wine if … if you go shopping between holidays.” Toshiya bit his lip, felt a bit ashamed of how much like a child he sounded, asked his mother to get sweets and drinks for them.<br/>“Perfect! Then… oh, I think your father wants to eat soon. You eat well too, right?! And we’ll see you soon! I’m happy that my two boys come to us for New Year’s Evening!” Die squealed silently first, after Toshiya said his greetings and hang up, the squealing got louder. Tossing the phone on the other side of the couch Toshiya caged Die, tickled him until he laughed and almost cried, gasped for air.<br/>“I swear!” Toshiya blurted, tickled Die even more, squeezed him against his chest: “If it wasn’t for my picture-perfect doctor lawyer brother then you’d be my mum’s favourite child!”<br/>Immediately Die countered that he wasn’t even her child. Toshiya let out a low groan, muttered that he was with him, so he was a part of the family too.<br/>“You can’t escape our family!” Toshiya giggled and then kissed Die so he wouldn’t come back with any more stupid things. Die didn’t even want to say anything, deny himself this feeling for longer. He had never felt more loved in his life than right here, in Toshiya’s arms. He was his family, his chosen one.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. *Vulgar Display of Love (Kaoru/Toshiya)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kaoru gets gifted a new phone for Christmas and sends Toshiya some pics to thank him for the present.</p><p>I listened to Pantera’s ‘Vulgar Display of Power’ while writing this because well, let’s face it, I am a sucker for some good old heavy metal. And isn’t it a bit of a power-play here going on?</p><p>no TW (but for check-list: dick pics, crop top &amp; tooth rotting fluff)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kaoru rolled his eyes for the probably 20th time now, ripped open the next package. His bandmates hadn’t held back in any way with this year’s Christmas presents. As they were not on tour everyone was going home to their parents, Die and Shinya staying until next year at their families. Kyo, well he had said he would stay some days, but probably he would be back by tomorrow but wanted some uninterrupted time alone to recharge his energies. Kaoru could fully understand this and his intention was to make them enjoy time with their families as none of them had their very own family. Shinya had his dog, fair enough to say they were some kind of family. Kaoru himself had his parents one hour by car in quasi-arm reach, had visited them for their usual Christmas brunch. Ever since his father had stopped working he fully enjoyed being at home, cooking for Kaoru’s mother, cleaning the house and preparing extravagant dishes. Kaoru’s mother had always joked that Kaoru would once turn in such a kind and caring husband too, she was sure. Kaoru though, never bringing home any girl, had always waved it off and pointed out that his work was more important than having a ‘family of his own’ with a wife and kids. But he had to admit, spending some festive hours with his parents had been a blessing and he didn’t regret it at all to not schedule any tours during the Christmas season this year.<br/>
The more grateful though Toshiya was. It had always been the hardest for Toshiya to be away from his family since he had been so young when he left home for the big city to start his career as musician and had little to no options to see his family.</p><p>Now, opening the first package Toshiya had gifted him, Kaoru felt as if it was his way to thank him for this chance. Kaoru had neatly placed all gifts on his couch table along a cup with hot plum wine that magically refilled itself. Kaoru couldn’t help but laugh almost hysterically when he unpacked 6 bottles of plum wine Kyo had gifted him along the note ‘so you also have a six pack’.<br/>
Kaoru made a surprise ‘oh’ when he unwrapped a signed and perfectly neat vinyl of King Crimson’s album Discipline. He would SO have to level up his presents! As everyone had parted already a week prior and Kaoru was the last one to check on the studio for their 2 weeks off, his bandmates had simply placed their presents for the leader in the studio room, knowing he’d pick them up and write them his thanks on Christmas Day. They still hated to hand over gifts personally, or do anything personally, fearing the reaction of the other.<br/>
Why though? Kaoru put the vinyl in his player, turned the volume up a bit. Next up was a heavier package. Kaoru tilted it, listened, then ripped it open, took a sip from his wine.<br/>
Oh, a bottle of an exclusive gin! So they wanted to get him drunk, what lovely bandmates he had, truly. Kaoru snickered, put the bottle on the table and longed for a cookie his mother had packed him.<br/>
Letting out a sigh, Kaoru put his head in his neck, looked around in his living room. He hadn’t even unpacked the presents he got half a year ago when he moved here! He would have to find a place to store the gin along with the glasses. At least, it was warm and clean and no more broken heating and sound enforcing walls. It was heavenly silent here and the music filling the rooms made it feel very much like Christmas. Even Matte Kudasai sounded like a calming Christmas Carol.<br/>
How did Toshiya know him so well? With a soft smile Kaoru leaned over to grab for the package with the number three. He had placed himself on the floor as it was a comfortable one. Floor heating, he even got gifted a carpet from his parents when he had moved in here. Toshiya had come along to the store, helped pick one as Kaoru was once again overwhelmed and couldn’t decide. And Toshiya was so much more precise with such things and had to deal with the carpet too.</p><p>Placing the present in his lap Kaoru took his phone and clicked on the little button on the side, making the screen light up. No new message so far, this meant then, that Toshiya’s parents and siblings were still at his place and Kaoru had to wait a little longer.<br/>
Maybe having Christmas like this, was better actually. They weren’t on tour and forced to stick together and even if they were all separated, Kaoru knew that Toshiya didn’t leave the city, had invited his family over. Chances were high the bassist would come over later, hopefully not too late, as the wine was warm and made Kaoru feel warm and fuzzy.<br/>
“Mhh… what did you get me there?” Kaoru hummed, stared at the picture on his phone screen. Toshiya resting an arm around Kaoru’s shoulder, so casually, both men grinning, Kaoru a bit flustered, Toshiya absolutely full of joy. It probably was his favourite picture of them together, six years ago, when they weren’t even a couple. But they had known for longer, felt it for too long that this relation between them was exceeding a normal friendship. It had taken them years and too many tensed up situations where they clashed together to finally figure out that they wanted the same and decided to choose this.<br/>
And Kaoru couldn’t have been happier ever since. Even now, sitting alone on Christmas Day, he knew his partner was not far from him, knew that they would see each other soon.<br/>
Kaoru bit his lip, ideas about what he wanted to do with Toshiya tonight flashed his mind when he closed his eyes. Quickly he took up his phone, unlocked and shot Toshiya a message: -unwrapping your presents, want to unwrap u-</p><p>Kaoru put the phone on the floor again and busied himself with the next package, ripped open the paper. It was – a normal white box? Kaoru let out a surprised hum, opened the box and found a little mug in it with some leaf prints. In the middle was another little wrapping, probably some tea? Snatching it with two fingers Kaoru frowned as he squeezed it, was expecting it to crunch like tea leaves would do. It had no scent as Kaoru lifted it up, then decided to open it.<br/>
Black, sleek, elegant, small – Kaoru took a deep breath. The silky fabric made Kaoru blink again and then he couldn’t hold it anymore, snorted with laughter as he stared at the lingerie piece in his hand.<br/>
“Okay! Okay.” he huffed, grinned and felt heat flushing his cheeks and his whole body. Twisting the slip in his hands made him grin devilishly, spurn the ideas he had for Toshiya even further.<br/>
Admittedly, Kaoru was curious now as of what the reason behind this gift was. Was Toshiya annoyed that Kaoru sometimes bought boxer pants with the weirdest motives on? He even had festive ones with little reindeers and snowflakes and candy canes!<br/>
Maybe the last package would unveil Toshiya’s motif. Kaoru put the slip next to his phone, lifted the package. He was so grateful, so thankful for everything he had gotten and it only could get better.</p><p>Or not. Kaoru sighed deeply, faced defeat. A new phone. Glaring down to his old phone, Kaoru scrunched his nose, murmured a ‘sorry baby’ at the scratched and broken screen. The camera didn’t work anymore, only the front camera so whenever Kaoru had to take pictures, he basically took selfies with whatever he wanted to capture.<br/>
At first Toshiya found it weirdly artistic, Kaoru holding a hand painted glazed ceramic plate in front of his head. Kaoru showed him more and more stuff like that when he had started packing his belonging for the big moving day. He should have taken those pictures and made them a memorial to all china and kitchenware that got thrown out, the bassist had mocked him then, as Kaoru finally had admitted that the phone slipped out of his jeans while taking down the lampshade and the camera broke.<br/>
With a heavy sigh, but also a relieved one as it once again was a decision Kaoru had procrastinated to make, he took out the new phone and clicked the power button, took the charger and looked for the nearest box.<br/>
No, Kaoru sighed again, didn’t want to get up and walk over to the wall. Then again, his floor had heating, so he just laid down and wriggled over, gave himself a push with his feet. No one was here to judge him anyway.</p><p>While the new phone was charging Kaoru took the last present, from Shinya. He had packed all things in one box apparently whereas Die and Kyo found a great pleasure in dissecting theirs into as many gifts as possible, using up too much wrapping papers.<br/>
In the box Kaoru found a book about the history of guitars, one pair of Shinya’s drums with a little note that said ‘saw you wearing a necklace with Toshiya’s pick, thought you want something from me too’. Again, a warm fuzzy feeling flushed Kaoru at Shinya’s thought. He would have to put them in some kind of glass cube and hang it in his studio room.<br/>
The last piece though left Kaoru a little confused. He unfolded a long shirt, dress? Arching an eyebrow he held it up and stared at the fabric. Where Toshiya had opted for a heavenly silky and elegant piece that no one would ever see anyway apart from the man who had gifted it to Kaoru, Shinya had gifted him a top that ended at about Kaoru’s knees. The thing about it wasn’t that it was sleeveless, Kaoru liked such shirts too but never found them in his size. The obscure thing about it was the print. Corn. Just, corn rows, a field of corn.<br/>
Gladly Shinya had also added a note to this gift.<br/>
‘I hope you like this present, it is organic cotton and custom-made by a good friend of mine who has access to a fabric printing and dyeing company. I had asked Toshiya for advice and he suggested a crop top. I found it weird honestly, but I think the sleeveless cut would fit you very well and show your tattoos. Merry Christmas, Shinya’<br/>
A crop top, that idiot. Kaoru took a deep breath and then his phone, shot Toshiya another message: -you’re an idiot-<br/>
Promptly his phone gave off a vibrating noise: -Y?-<br/>
Oh, a last selfie with this phone would be nice, Kaoru thought and pulled his sweater and shirt over his head, put on the ‘crop top’ he got from Shinya and took a snap, sent it Toshiya without comment.<br/>
-what IS this???-<br/>
-exactly what u told Shinya-<br/>
Kaoru laughed stupidly, hoped that Toshiya had a good laugh too now. At least, he would… well, wear it at home? What should he even tell Shinya if he asked him if he liked that shirt? A crop top was something… ugh, different!<br/>
Kaoru ran his hand over his face, was greatly amused by this misunderstanding. But yes, he liked that shirt, in some odd way it fit him and the fabric was cosy.</p><p>Curiously Kaoru spied over to the silk slip, how this fabric would feel on his skin? Grabbing the piece Kaoru lifted up and walked over to the bathroom, had to snort once again as he saw himself in that shirt with this horrible crop print. Quickly he shoved down his jeans he had worn today and got rid of his socks and boxers too in the process. A last time he looked at the slip before he lifted one foot, slid into it.<br/>
With warm hands Kaoru lifted the top, looked at himself in the mirror. There was a little ribbon in the back and a slit in the middle down to… uh. Kaoru gulped, let his fingers trace between slightly exposed butt cheeks. So this was Toshiya’s intention, alright. Heat filled his lower stomach, made his legs tremble, thinking about how exactly things would go down later tonight. Biting down on his lips, Kaoru let his hand run over his bulge, ran his fingertips along the lacy hem.</p><p>-omg my BROTHER saw this!-<br/>
Kaoru gasped for air as he held back a laughter, blushed hard. Of course he let Toshiya know how good that piece looked on him, wanted to taunt him a bit in hopes he would come earlier. Kaoru didn’t want to wait any longer for him, was hard and a little bit tipsy, what made the situation probably even worse.<br/>
-better hide ur phone then-<br/>
With that written Kaoru shot him another picture, a closer up one, his fingers resting over his erection. The reaction was immediate, much to Kaoru’s amusement: -!!!-<br/>
Kaoru bit his lips, ran his fingers over the silky fabric again, moaned lowly at his own touch. If Toshiya wouldn’t come in the next five minutes he had to take more drastic measures or else he’d have a very painful time.<br/>
-I want u- accompanied with another picture, Kaoru grabbing his bulge harder, moaning to himself as he took the picture. It amused him too much probably that Toshiya was sitting with his whole family of what? 15 people or more?, and had to hide his own erection. At least, Kaoru hoped that this would turn him on.<br/>
A bit?<br/>
Not good enough, he posed differently as he took the next picture, sent it to Toshiya. No response anymore, Kaoru stroked lowly over his erection, let his finger dance around the hem and waistband. Slipping in with his hand, he sent Toshiya another pic. Still, nothing. He had probably put his phone away, or hopefully said his goodbye to his family so he could come over?<br/>
A displeased grumble fled Kaoru’s lips, he grabbed tighter, moved his hand around the hot flesh. It was too good and the fabric felt too good, he’d come within a few strokes. So, to distract himself, Kaoru leaned over on the carpet, grabbed for the new phone. He could get it set up in the meantime and take a few nice shots with this too.</p><p>-will u stop this! I have my fam still sittin here!-<br/>
The fabric was already shoved to the side, Kaoru giving himself some more pumps, sending Toshiya occasionally updates, mentioning that the most recent picture was already taken with the new phone.<br/>
-I’m just thankin u for the phone w these-<br/>
Taunting, Kaoru knew how to make Toshiya lose his mind and he was eager to achieve this today. If he wasn’t there to pleasure Kaoru, then Kaoru wanted to have him at least take part when he pleasured himself.<br/>
Kaoru bit his lip again, wanted to get a bit more playful. He got up on the couch, placed the phone on the table between his glass and a bottle plum wine to tilt it up. With the timer set for the front camera, he kneeled down on the couch again, took a picture from the front, then, from the back, showing off how nice the piece was Toshiya had gifted him.<br/>
-deal with it.-<br/>
Just as Kaoru sent this set of pictures Toshiya’s name popped up on the phone: -half an hour, then they gone-<br/>
Again Kaoru bit his lip, slid back down on the couch and propped his feet on the table, resting one hand between his legs. Half an hour waiting was too painful, he had to do something about this now. Squeezing his erection once more a loud moan fled his mouth. He already had gone too far to wait for Toshiya and he knew it would be an hour or longer until he was at Kaoru’s.<br/>
-u have 1hr to be here, until then-<br/>
Another snap, Kaoru’s tattooed fingers wrapped around his erection. Slowly he gave himself a few more pumps before he let the phone slip on the couch next to him, took on a faster pace. His lips were already swollen from biting down, suppressing more and more moans that crept up. He panted, moved further down on the couch and threw his head back, hard against the phone that was still laying there.<br/>
Kaoru wanted Toshiya, needed him, right here and now. Pressing his eyes shut he stopped, ran his thumb over the tip. Precum, he was close already, his body longed for release. The low vibrating next to Kaoru’s head made him turn his face, then smile. Sneaky, Toshiya had snuck to the toilet, sent him a picture back of him grabbing his own bulge.<br/>
-close-<br/>
Kaoru put the phone on the table, lifted the glass and downed the rest of his plum wine, laid back again but quickly sat up as the phone vibrated once more: -cum 4 me-<br/>
Pressing his eyes shut, Kaoru smiled, pumped himself gentle at first, then took on a faster pace. His pants got louder and he almost startled himself as a high-pitched outcry came over his lips. He slapped his other hand over his face, ran his fingertips over his mouth, dipped in, licked over the tips and them over his chin, neck. He should have had some kind of snack before he started drinking. Oh well, Kaoru thought, he might have something later with Toshiya. After. After he got back at him.<br/>
Another moan filled the room, the music had restarted again, drowned out his pants as he stroked himself again, more precum dripping down. How would he deal with Toshiya tonight? Make him lay down and ride him? Tie him up additionally for not being here in this moment? A loud growl crept up Kaoru’s chest. The thought alone how he’d touch his lover was bringing him further towards his orgasm.<br/>
Speeding up, Kaoru rocked his hips, let his other hand come to a rest over his head. Tightly he grabbed the couch, closed his eyes as the next heat wave flushed over his body. Fuck Toshiya right in the entry when he’d show up? Press him against the wall or have him bow over the armrest of the couch? Kaoru’s eyes fluttered. He took a deep breath, felt the heat in his core almost getting unbearable. Maybe he’d let him –<br/>
A loud outcry broke the comfortable sounds of his moans mixing with Adrian Belew’s voice. Chopped of pants came much too fast out of Kaoru’s mouth. He gasped for air, slowed down his pumps as his cum dripped over his fingers, ran down between his legs. The heat started spreading throughout his whole body to the tip of his toes, tainted his cheeks wonderfully.<br/>
Moaning a last time, much more relaxed and relieved, Kaoru ran his hand over his face and stilled his breath as good as he could. Without looking down at the mess he made, he lifted the phone and snapped a pic, grinned stupidly as he sent it to Toshiya and then closed his eyes again to rest a bit. A last stroke, his hand and fingers wiping off his cum in the shirt. Good thing, it wasn’t a crop top but a top with crops on.</p><p> </p><p>Kaoru was woken up from his nap by his phone going off awfully loud and close to his face.<br/>
“They’re gone! I’ll be… give me like.. half an hour, okay? I’m sorry it took so long!” Toshiya blabbered, didn’t even await Kaoru’s greeting. He was too tired and tipsy anyway.<br/>
“Half? What, half an hour?” Kaoru snorted, blinked a few times. He had only turned on low dimmed lights and still wasn’t used to his new flat.<br/>
“Yeah, gonna call a taxi. I guess it’ll take a bit, it’s Christmas Day after all.” Toshiya sighed.<br/>
“Walk!” Kaoru shot back, grinned stupidly: “Don’t tell me you need to wank before you can even leave!”<br/>
It wasn’t that far, actually just mere 15 minutes for Toshiya to go, maybe even less. When Kaoru visited Toshiya, he needed around 20 minutes, but Kaoru was a slow walker, enjoyed the impressions he got during the walk too much. There always was something that peeked his interest, was a little piece of inspiration.<br/>
“But it’s December!” Toshiya squealed, didn’t like the cold weather at all. It had snowed for a week already and he had tried to avoid staying outside for long.<br/>
“I’ll warm you up.” Kaoru snickered, twisted his head towards the table. There was still plum wine, enough for them to have a good evening, and cookies of course. Kaoru never had that much of a sweet tooth but his mother knew of course he’d share them with Toshiya, had even made the bassist’s favourite sorts. Yes, even those Kaoru couldn’t stand and mocked her for making, telling her she didn’t have to lure him, they’d stick together anyway.<br/>
“I hope so…” Toshiya groaned. Kaoru heard the keys locking up Toshiya’s door, smiled with closed eyes: “I’ll await you!”</p><p> </p><p>Kaoru had drifted off again, of course, and Toshiya hadn’t expected to find him any other way, smiled stupidly as he saw his lover spreading on the couch, the top showing the pretty underwear, already back in place. It really did fit him, even better than Toshiya had imagined. Immediately he felt a heat wave rushing through his body, seeing Kaoru in such a delicate piece of clothing.<br/>
With a grin on his lips Toshiya bowed down, pressed them against Kaoru’s. He let his tongue slip in as Kaoru gasped for air, woke up again. One more flick with his tongue and he felt Kaoru’s warm hand cupping his cheek, a low mumble followed, that Toshiya was ice cold.<br/>
“And you are drunk!” Toshiya countered, kneeled down on the short part of the couch, inspected the outfit some more now that Kaoru too got up and sat down on his heels. It was ugly, no other words fit that … thing.<br/>
Daringly Kaoru lifted one finger and giggled: “Tipsy!”<br/>
With that said he leaned forward, grabbed for Toshiya’s waistband and opened the button, pressed his face against his stomach for some more stability. Okay, maybe a bit over tipsy already, but even more horny than before now that he shoved down Toshiya’s trousers.<br/>
“Why… why are you wearing this ugly shirt actually!?” Toshiya panted, didn’t even want to stop Kaoru, but he looked so much better undressed. Toshiya never really understood why he always dressed up so much, in so many layers for their concerts when he got his tattoos done. But on the other hand, he was happy too, that he alone got to see Kaoru as he was, maybe their bandmates, if they dared to peek or weren’t too drained or occupied with themselves.<br/>
“It was a present!” Kaoru snorted, placed some sloppy kissed on Toshiya’s hips and thighs, causing him to tremble slightly.<br/>
“It’s ugl-“ Toshiya’s loud hiss turned into a moan, the bite on his hip was followed by Kaoru taking in his erection, sucking hard right from the start away. Kaoru knew best how to treat Toshiya, how to taunt him and give him a good time. Cautiously, he was drunk after all he had to admit, Kaoru let his hand wander back, pulled Toshiya closer. But it didn’t really work the way Kaoru wanted even if he drew more moans from the bassist’s mouth, he wasn’t satisfied with the way he wanted to satisfy Toshiya. The old couch was better, simply said.<br/>
Grumbling in his beard, Kaoru stopped, turned his head to look around.<br/>
“You good?” Toshiya gasped, caressed Kaoru’s cheek and checked on him. If he was drunk already, then they better head to bed before they’d overdue. They had overdone too often already and Toshiya wasn’t keen on having an uncomfortable moment on Christmas Day. Or actually, any other day.<br/>
“Yeah, just… oh… let’s try this!” Kaoru pouted for a second, grabbed for his pillow and put it in front of Toshiya’s thighs. Then he turned around and laid down on it, his head bumping against Toshiya’s thigh. Not high enough. Kaoru stared up at Toshiya’s erection, Toshiya looked back down, grinned and then let his dick slap against Kaoru’s forehead. Promptly a loud laughter filled the room and a fuzzy warm feeling spread in Toshiya’s stomach and he opted for the next pillow, lifted Kaoru gently and put it under his back. Only with him he could joke around like that and know he’d still get a blowjob and Kaoru’s wouldn’t be butthurt or angry at him.<br/>
“Are you sure?” Toshiya asked, moved slowly forward in Kaoru’s mouth. Demanding him, Kaoru lifted his arms, pressed him closer to take him in completely. Carefully he gulped, felt good, really good like that. The last time he had done that, wow. Kaoru didn’t want to think back to the person he had given the blowjob like that, but it was good, didn’t leave him with a stiff neck.<br/>
“Fuck… Kao… please… is this really…. okay for you like that?” Toshiya interrupted himself with moans and pants, couldn’t stop moving. It felt too good and they had never done this and Kaoru was drunk and he was horny.<br/>
“We… we can do this tomooooo-hoooo-“ A loud plopping sound made Toshiya gasp for air. The warmth around his erection was gone and instead Kaoru stared at him with a displeased frown on his face.<br/>
“Fuck my mouth.”<br/>
Toshiya gulped, hard, on nothing. Confounded, spellbound, he couldn’t move, didn’t know how to react, didn’t want to know how it would feel to let this fantasy become real. They had been rough sometimes, tried out a few rather dubious things.<br/>
“K-Kao… are you…” – “This is an order.”<br/>
Toshiya’s eyes fluttered shut, he felt himself getting painfully harder. Precum must have been starting to leak. Embarrassed by being turned on so much when Kaoru would talk like that, Toshiya let his eyes closed, moved forward again, panted as he pushed in completely. He took on a slow pace, peeked with one eye if Kaoru was really okay, but he didn’t see much of his face anyway. Only his little beard was tickling lightly on his lower stomach. Even that felt too good, the hot stream when he breathed through his nose felt too good between his legs. Everything about Kaoru felt too good and Toshiya didn’t realise that he soon pushed in faster, deeper, was out of breath quickly.<br/>
Collapsing forward, Toshiya supported himself with his arms next to Kaoru’s chest, almost whined as he moved his hips. He sucked in his lower lips, let his head tangle down to look at Kaoru, precisely said his throat where his dick vanished off with every hard thrust.<br/>
As much as Toshiya wanted to do something, give anything back, he had to stay so concentrated to move and not pass out from that kind of pleasure.<br/>
“I’m about…” Toshiya gulped, would need a lot of water soon. The heat in his body was burning him down. Patting on Kaoru’s naked leg, to let him know, he tried his voice again, warned him that he’ll come soon. Kaoru took note, gave him a gentle clap on his butt to make him go.<br/>
“Should I pull out?” Toshiya asked with a last piece of restraint. Even if he knew that Kaoru always swallowed, always, without any expectation, and knowing this made it only worse, he still wanted to make sure if it was okay to cum in his mouth.<br/>
The warm hands placed themselves directly under Toshiya’s butt cheek, one hand wandered off between his legs, squeezed his balls gently. The gentle treatment drew another loud moan from Toshiya’s mouth. He felt his orgasm building up like the sweat drops that accumulated around his neck and temple, ready to wash over his body.<br/>
His body tensed up, his legs trembled as he jerked his hips forward a last time and started spilling himself in Kaoru’s mouth. With loud pants he slowed down, rode out his orgasm with some last low movements. Somewhere there, between his legs he felt Kaoru breathing, felt him swallowing around his yet still hard erection.<br/>
This must have been how it felt to be on drugs – high, absolutely high. Carefully Toshiya moved back, watched Kaoru tilting his head, sucking on the last centimetres before he had to let go. A deep and satisfied hum flowed over Kaoru’s lips that lifted up to a content smile.<br/>
“Good?” Kaoru grinned smug, knew exactly that it was more than ‘good’. But it always was soothing to hear it from Toshiya, to get a bit praise when they were such recluses at work anyway.<br/>
“Good?!” a breathless squeal, Toshiya kneeled down on the floor, shoved the pillows aside so Kaoru was on the same level, laying comfortably on the couch. The scent of plum wine and jam from the cookies filled the air, next to them was Kaoru’s sweater, the printed reindeers grinning at them.<br/>
“That was like all my Christmases and Birthdays together!”<br/>
Kaoru snorted, shook his head and bit his lips, watched Toshiya’s face that had a wonderful rosy glow. Maybe this year was really Kaoru’s favourite Christmas.<br/>
With a loud puff Toshiya sank down completely, looked at the table and spotted the plate with cookies, grinned: “I’ll steal some. Did your mum bake them all?!”<br/>
“For YOU!” Kaoru sighed, moved on his side. He was too tired now to get up or even sit up.<br/>
“You know I don’t fancy them, she knows too.”<br/>
Toshiya took another one, munched on them and then looked around, saw the unwrapped presents from the others. They really gifted him wonderful things. Apart from the crop top, that was still horrible and Toshiya wasn’t sure if a real crop top would have been better.<br/>
It was so absurd. Sitting here now too with Kaoru, in that ugly shirt.</p><p>Still being amused about that ugly piece, Toshiya turned around to Kaoru again, stroked up his tattooed arm. Lowly he moved his shoulder into Toshiya’s hand, hummed.<br/>
“Bed?” Toshiya asked, pressed a kiss on Kaoru’s head. Promptly he stretched his arms out, like a little kid that wanted to be lifted up. And Toshiya never was someone who denied Kaoru a hug.<br/>
Lifting up, Toshiya got out of his trousers, tossed them on the floor and then stopped the record player, went back to the couch.<br/>
“Come here.” He whispered, put his hands under Kaoru’s armpits to get him in a more upright position and finally lifted him up, flopped his legs over one arm, supporting his back with his other arm. Immediately Kaoru nuzzled his face against Toshiya’s neck, pressed a sloppy kiss on his exposed neck. A shame he liked to wear turtle neck or high collared shirts.</p><p>Placing Kaoru on the bed, Toshiya finally got rid of his clothes. His shirt stuck to his back and he still wore socks. Turning back to Kaoru, who hadn’t moved even one centimetre, heat flushed Toshiya again. Hell, how could he look so good even in that awful shirt?<br/>
But, it had to go for the night. Toshiya refused to wake up to this look. With one knee between Kaoru’s legs and one to the side Toshiya placed some kisses on Kaoru’s thigh, moved up with his lips and shoved the shirt up in the process too. Somewhere around Kaoru’s stomach he woke him up apparently, heard him giggling and then felt his hands patting for Toshiya’s head, cupping his cheeks to pull him up to his face.<br/>
Kaoru still smiled tiredly but Toshiya kissed that grin away, sank back down next to him. The drowsiness hitting the bassist now too, he tugged them both under the blanket, kissed Kaoru some more.<br/>
This was all he needed and could ever wish for. No other present could be any better than holding Kaoru right in his arms, kissing him, knowing that he was loved.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. cherry tea / charity (Shinya/Toshiya)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shinya needs some help and Toshiya is the brave hero who offers his hand generously. He didn’t think though, what help exactly the drummer would need and they quickly find themselves in a situation both men aren’t quite grown into (but handle with care).</p><p>TW: pet death ( ಥ﹏ಥ ) / mentioned fear of suicide</p><p> </p><p>I know I said I most likely won’t write anything with Shinya other than friendship and this one just happened like… man idk, it was a nice idea and I craved some hurt/comfort and fluff? I said no feelies and now there’s many feelies :(</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was nothing new that Toshiya always happily lend a helping hand whenever something ‘heavy’ was to be shifted in the studio or Kaoru simply was too exhausted to shift larger equipment pieces in the studio for five times until it was at his desired place and thus rather asked the bassist. Even Die, who trained for himself and had gotten quite buff over the past months, had already asked Toshiya for help with setting up his training machine – so he could place it somewhere else when he had trained enough, Toshiya joked.<br/>
So, Shinya didn’t feel too guilty when he had asked Toshiya for help too. It wasn’t really because the boxes he wanted to move were heavy per se, just, bulky. And asking his neighbour was no option he would ever take, considering the circumstances of the contents of said boxes. As third party to that, Toshiya seemed like the appropriate person to ask; not too distant that it would seem like some weird friendship-as-excuse-for-chores but also not too close to put Shinya back in the grief phase again.</p><p>Folding the last flap of the boxes, Shinya let out a silent huff and wiped over his cheek. He was already sweating from that little work but for the drummer, it was hard work. Work, that gave him hardship. Settling himself against the kitchen counter, Shinya clicked the kettle and put a sachet of tea in his mug, listened to the sizzling. So silent –<br/>
Just in that moment the bassist announced his arrival, the doorbell rang loudly and again, it was so silent that Shinya waited for another second if there would be some other kind of reaction. But as nothing came he found it too cruel to let his colleague wait when he had set up the time of the day.<br/>
“Ah,… “ Toshiya ducked his head, bowed slightly as he stepped inside the flat: “I almost thought I was at the wrong door.”<br/>
Shinya glanced on the little plate on the door, gave the drum and the little dog face a last moment of appreciation. That too would have to go then.<br/>
“Okay, then, those three boxes?” Toshiya gestured towards the big cardboard boxes that were offering themselves in the hallway, giving Shinya a hard time to wriggle back to the kitchen where the kettle went off with a loud whistle.<br/>
“Obviously.” He managed to get out and took up the kettle to fill the mug. He would enjoy it cold, when he’d return back to his flat. For now, he didn’t want to sit down and enjoy a cup of tea and give Toshiya the chance to ask intrusive questions Shinya didn’t want to answer.<br/>
“They’re not heavy, just… bulky, unhandy to carry alone.” Shinya frowned as he came back and saw Toshiya already lifting up the first one and shooting back a smug grin: “You could have packed that stuff then in more smaller boxes?”<br/>
Shinya slipped in his shoes, put the key in the back pocket of his jeans and lifted the box on the other side: “Could have.”<br/>
But he didn’t, had no other smaller boxes, didn’t want to buy any more stuff for something, that wasn’t there anymore. He had went to the home supply store and bought the first packet of foldable moving-boxes he had found, had paid, went home and dissected the whole flat while searching up all stuff that wouldn’t belong here anymore.</p><p>“What’s in there actually if I may ask?” Toshiya asked and of course Shinya wouldn’t lie to his work colleague, his friend, after all, he helped him get rid of that.<br/>
“Dog toys.” With another lift, the second box made it in Toshiya’s car, was securely squeezed on the backseat.<br/>
“All three boxes?!” Toshiya’s voice pitched higher, couldn’t imagine that one whole store would have that many dog toys as Shinya had put in those boxes. Did the drummer wrap them in some fancy gift-wrapping paper?<br/>
Snapping back this time, as Shinya didn’t want to justify his weakness of buying toys every time he saw something cute, he asked how many basses Toshiya owned.<br/>
“Uh… I guess… around 15? Or more? The old ones I mean are at my parent’s place. At least I hope they still are there!” – “That was a rhetorical question.”<br/>
Taking his winter jacket now and a little bag with his purse, Shinya locked the flat door behind them and then helped Toshiya carrying the last box down to the car to get going.<br/>
“Okay, and where are we going with them?” Toshiya asked more questions than Shinya had thought and was prepared for and he seriously questioned himself if it had been a good idea to ask Toshiya and not Die instead. He had trained too, would have lifted those boxes with ease anyway.<br/>
“Charity. That’s the address.” Shinya lifted a business card from his jacket and handed it to Toshiya so he could enter the address in his navigation system.<br/>
“Oh, that’s generous! And Miya won’t be sad with having less toys now?” Toshiya joked, watched out for the traffic as he made his way through the city.<br/>
“Miyu.” Shinya corrected Toshiya, then bit his lip, thinking about his little dog.<br/>
“Ah, sorry. Sorry.” Toshiya giggled, thought back at those few times the drummer had brought the dog with him when studio times were long and the little fur ball would curl up at Toshiya’s feet. He wouldn’t move, no matter how much Toshiya tried to wriggle his leg to get free and finally take a toilet break. He was as persistent as his owner, Toshiya had thought.<br/>
“He won’t be sad.” Shinya then added as he realised he owed Toshiya a reply.<br/>
– and he won’t be happy either, ever again; he added in his mind, kept silent though.<br/>
“Played long enough with them?” Toshiya grinned and glanced over to the drummer who was even in private the same kind of poised and silent as ever. Shinya took a deep and heavy breath, his shoulders lifted, unnoticed by his colleague gladly, and bit down a hurtful comment.<br/>
“Some of the toys are over 15 years old.” Shinya remembered, stared out on the street as they came to a halt at a crossing with red lights. With a surprised “uh” Toshiya’s eyebrows arched and he looked back at Shinya: “Miyu is an old boy already!”<br/>
What should have been a funny comment, to brighten up the atmosphere a bit, caused the complete opposite. With a distraught expression Shinya couldn’t bother to hide, he stared at Toshiya for a minute. And another minute. Then both men blinked at the honking from behind them. Shinya looked forward again, spotted that the traffic lights were green already and gestured towards them.<br/>
“He was an old boy.” Shinya murmured as Toshiya sped up the car and they soon parked in front of the charity house. Before Toshiya got the key and they would got out of the car Toshiya held Shinya back, rested his hand firmly on the drummer’s shoulder and pressed him back in the seat: “Why don’t you… keep them? Don’t you maybe want to get a new dog one day?”<br/>
Shinya breathed out slowly, had taken that in account already. Not once, but many times. So many, that those boxes had been stored in the hallway for the past half year since the little old dog that had accompanied Shinya to many concerts already had passed away. It was a last act of affection, Shinya had told himself as he had washed each and every toy and blanket and plushie before putting them away in the boxes so another dog would have joy with those things again. Especially before Christmas time he was sure some families with less income would be happy about the toys he gave the charity.</p><p>Tiredly Shinya sank back against the seat, let his head come to a rest as he thought about a way to give Toshiya a reply. The hand kept pressing softly on his shoulder, was a gentle reminder that the bassist was still waiting while Shinya took his time. He didn’t want to spend unnecessary many words on a reply but he had always failed at keeping it at bay when it came to Miyu.<br/>
“I’ve had my heart ripped out already. I don’t want to experience such a kind of loss again in my life. You too will go, along with that, the band at some point in our life.” Shinya’s voice got less and less, as he had gotten less and less over the past months. Unnoticed by the others as everyone kept doing their stuff and not really bothered about any physical changes as they had gotten through their ‘phases’ too already and Shinya knew it would normalise again within the next couple months. Right now, it was really hard for him to prepare breakfast for him alone without having the noises of a munching dog next to him. Or having a warm fuzz ball sitting on his lap during dinner. Meal times had gotten a strict routine he had to follow, the calmness and comfort of another living being joining him had vanished.<br/>
“Hey, my life expectancy is a bit longer than the one of a dog!” Toshiya squeezed Shinya, let out a low chuckle as he tried to get Shinya out of that negative headspace he was apparently caught in.<br/>
“Maybe Kaoru or Die won’t be here for so long, but I’m keeping myself healthy and fit!” he added and laughed, managed to draw a weak smile on Shinya’s lips. But then, so serious again: “You’ve already thought about who’d be the first of us… to go… too?”<br/>
Too, yes, because Shinya had this constantly on his mind ever since. To whom of those he loved and was close with, saw every day, was so used to their presence and the feelings they gave him with their sheer existence sometimes, to whom of those he had to say his good bye next. And he wished it was him who’d leave before he had to endure another wave of endless nights, falling asleep in pain.<br/>
“Mhmm…” Toshiya leaned back in his seat too, stared out of the front window. There had been times, he thought one day the management would call them all in the meeting room for a brief talk, all of them apart from Kyo, because he had committed suicide. Some nights Toshiya had woken up from nightmares, their vocalist covered in more than those little scars he had added to his body for a scary and shocking stage presentation.<br/>
“Have you ever seen Die cross a street when we’re touring overseas?” Toshiya refrained from bringing up hurtful times, times long ago that didn’t matter anymore gladly.<br/>
Shinya scrunched his nose, thought back to their last overseas concert. Had Die even left the hotel or venue they were at? Shinya was convinced they had even eaten dinner in the hotel restaurant because none of them wanted to go further away from that place and they were tired too.<br/>
“I don’t… think so. Why?” he asked and looked back at Toshiya who only arched his eyebrows and then huffed out: “Better keep a leash then and tag him to Kaoru! He’s colourblind when we’re out of Japan apparently!”<br/>
That, at least, brought a broader smile on Shinya’s face and he whispered how he’d give him a red one with a little bell so they’d be alarmed too when he’d move.<br/>
“And anyway. Even if I’d want another heartbreak, a new dog deserves new toys.”<br/>
Taking a deep breath, he placed his hands firmly on his thighs before he shifted forward, made Toshiya retreat his hand, and finally unbuckled the belt to get out.<br/>
“Admit it, you just like to spend a lot of money on dog toys!” Toshiya snickered, got out too and opened the boot to get the first box out.<br/>
Shinya clicked his tongue, gave the bassist a smug grin, that he hadn’t witnessed for quite some years actually: “It might be my guilty pleasure to spoil and pamper those I love.”</p><p> </p><p>After unloading the boxes and Shinya having a brief talk with the lady who worked at the charity house, he was more than ready to leave. There were too many other people, dogs, dog owners. And there was Toshiya, cuddling with puppies and getting his face licked by bigger dogs because he sat on the floor and had his fingers running through thick and long dog hair. His black skinny jeans he wore today were already more white-ish from the white border collie who made it his mission to rub off his fur on Toshiya’s thighs.<br/>
Pursing his lips, Shinya walked up to Toshiya and stopped next to him, watched the collie immediately looking up to him and doing a happy dog face. With a tired smile Shinya let his hand run over the dog’s nose and crawled behind the ears, felt the cold and wet nose bumping against his bare arm.<br/>
Something, he’d never feel Miyu doing ever again.<br/>
As if he had burned himself, Shinya retreated his hand and pulled his sleeves down again, crossed his arms over his chest, asked Toshiya if they could go now. He didn’t want to stick any longer here than necessary. They had brought the stuff for charity so there was no reason to keep hurting over and over. For Shinya it felt like scratching over an open wound that hurt already and now he was adding even more pain by putting himself in this situation.<br/>
“Sure… yeah… just… aw, Yamo-chan look at this one! What a good boy!” Toshiya giggled as a small terrier came up now too and lifted his paw in a greeting kind of way. Promptly the owner of the terrier, a young lady with long legs stuck in tight jeans and a red leather jacket, came up to them, offered Toshiya a bright smile: “She likes you!”<br/>
“She?!” Toshiya’s smile widened as the woman bent down and patted on the back of her dog. Toshiya imitated the patting and the dog licked over his arm happily. The tail started wiggling immediately at the tender touch as the bassist let his hands run over the small body.<br/>
Watching the interaction between the woman and Toshiya and Toshiya and the dog gave Shinya a piercing pain. Memories of similar moments happening between the drummer and his little chihuahua and some strangers flushed him. Merry memories of short but happy encounters. So, he didn’t really want to take that moment from Toshiya, but he really wanted to go so he put his hand on Toshiya’s shoulder and squeezed gently to draw the bassist’s attention away from the dog. And that woman. Shinya knew from just one look that something was off with her and the way she had approached them.<br/>
“Lady! She is scared of men usually!” the woman said and then looked at Toshiya, gave him a heart-warming smile.<br/>
Heart-warming, if it weren’t so odd, that she came to a charity house and looked as if she was merely asking for the way and didn’t belong here. Well, Shinya also didn’t look as if he belonged here, and Toshiya even less, but he had given something to the charity workers.<br/>
“Oh no. But we are soft too and not harmful to you little pupper!” Toshiya whined and crawled the dog behind her ears what made the terrier settle down and put the little head on Toshiya’s lap. Shinya pursed his lips, was about to use a colder and a bit louder voice.<br/>
“You seem very calmed and deeply balanced in your roots. I. can feel a warm and bright energy from you!” the woman said and that was it for Shinya to snap. Was she one of those weird women who went to yoga and drank water with stones in it for inner healing? Or put stones on the window sills and burnt herbs? Admittedly, Shinya also did yoga, but for the purpose of relaxing his body and muscles and it was a calm and silent sport.<br/>
“Tosh- “ abruptly Shinya was interrupted by the terrier letting out one loud bark. The gloomy aura Shinya was apparently emitting was not to the dog’s pleasing and he got up from Toshiya’s lap and glared maliciously at the drummer and then started barking until Shinya retreated his hand from Toshiya’s shoulder and apologised silently to the woman for causing such a ruckus.<br/>
“Hey, that’s not your fault!” Toshiya winced and got up, looked at his colleague with more intent. He had heard him calling but cuddling those soft fur balls had been so nice and soothing as Toshiya himself didn’t have a pet and as kid his family also had no pets.<br/>
The woman also got up and lifted her dog, smiled at Toshiya and then at Shinya, though, not with the same warmth as she had given Toshiya. What a …<br/>
Shinya bit his tongue before he’d say something weird and snarky, but he didn’t like that person one bit. And Toshiya cuddled with her dog and now Shinya had no dog anymore, nothing to offer.<br/>
“I said she was scared of men! My little lady…” the woman exclaimed coldly and then offered Toshiya another smile that he mirrored. Then, too fast and too close, he placed his arm around Shinya’s shoulders and leaned even closer, giggled: “I’m not that much of a pro when it comes to dogs as he is…!”<br/>
Shinya glanced to the side, pressed his hands flat against the outside of his thighs as he felt some sweat building on his palms. Why was Toshiya standing so close now and what was he saying that Shinya was a pro with dogs?<br/>
“And trust me, he is the poised one of us!” Toshiya let out with a whistle and gave Shinya a slight shrug and then a pat on the shoulder. Shinya and poised? The drummer didn’t see himself as calm; he was silent, yes, could hold back snarky comments most of the time and let his bandmates be jerks to him because he could care less. It didn’t much bother him when they made jokes and wasted their time on trying to mock him.<br/>
Just as Shinya arched his eyebrow to ask his colleague what made him think he was that kind of poised person, Toshiya nodded over to the exit, offered Shinya a soft smile that he very much needed.</p><p>With another deep breath flowing out of Shinya’s mouth, they left the parking again, Toshiya humming lowly to the music he had put on. Shinya stared out of the window, watched the charity house behind them getting smaller and smaller in the side mirror. Toshiya didn’t much care to start a conversation even if he would always be the first to start one if it were only the two of them or Die was with them. Usually they kept chats low when either Kaoru or Kyo were near them, mostly because it meant that work was starting or something important was to be discussed and then they wanted to give the leader the space and respect he needed and deserved. Kyo though, he was usually bothered by whatever other people said, wanted to have some peace of mind. So, it was rather unconventional that there was no talking right now, but Shinya found it peaceful and calming.<br/>
The way back to Shinya’s flat was faster and the traffic was less too and Shinya already dreaded the moment he would hop out of the car and go back into an empty flat. Now, it was completely empty and stripped to what a flat was – simple rooms with interior to rest and take care of your body and keep personal belongings.<br/>
As they stopped at the only red light Toshiya clicked on his car radio and started another playlist, something more upbeat and luring in some way. It was poppy and still rock-style, somehow Shinya found himself liking that melody and thought where he had heard those riffs and voices already. Toshiya nodded slightly to the song, hummed a bit louder and then giggled, asked if it was okay to turn the volume up a bit. Shinya nodded with a smile and turned on the knob while Toshiya sped up again and started singing along.<br/>
“It’s a nice song.” Shinya added, felt a bit lighter already and not so depressed and angry as before. That woman had given him the rest, he had thought, now it was nice sitting here in the car with Toshiya and listening to the music that was so very different from what he was used to listen or they made.<br/>
“Yeah!? I sometimes listen to that track when… I don’t know, it’s calming but not too slow and not in an it-makes-me-sleepy kind of way.” Toshiya blabbered while taking care of the traffic and then parked the car already in front of Shinya’s flat. He clicked the key half way so the music kept playing although the engine was off already.<br/>
“It’s kind of… like being in the clouds?” Shinya whispered, listened more to the vocals now, tried to grasp on them. Somewhere, he knew he had heard that song already and he was sure he knew the voice too, but there was so much going on in the drummer’s brain that he could not for the sake of it recall it. Almost shameful, so he made it his mission to remember a text line so he could google it and listen to that song for the rest of the day.<br/>
“Well, I mean it’s called Angelic Conversation?” Toshiya huffed with a grin, wetted his lips: “To not have my dreams get eaten!”<br/>
Shinya’s lips formed to a silent ‘oh’ as he realised that it was this song. Stupidly ashamed he lifted his hand and ran it over his face.<br/>
“Did you just… not remember?” Toshiya snorted and now turned off the radio completely and pulled the key, tossed it in his lap and lifted his hand once again to Shinya’s shoulder: “It was a hard day, right!”<br/>
No mocking, and Shinya couldn’t be any more grateful for this right now. Shaking his head, he stared out of the window again. The charity house was nowhere to be seen in the mirror anymore. For a second he bit his lips, then lowered his voice and dropped his gaze to his hands: “Would you… hmm… can I offer you some tea?”<br/>
As no answer came, Shinya already half way in a little anxiety attack that this had come off really weird now or that he expected Toshiya to now hold his hand and spend the rest of the day mourning with him, he stared over to the bassist who gave him a slightly perplexed look as he had feared to let Shinya alone on that day but also didn’t want to invite himself into the drummer’s flat.<br/>
“And I would offer you of course to use the lint brush.” Shinya added quickly, nodded to the jeans that had once been without one single hair and were now covered in diverse dog hair.</p><p> </p><p>Toshiya stood weirdly in the entry of Shinya’s flat, had now enough space to look around. After a short moment of consideration and watching Shinya slip out of his shoes and jacket, Toshiya also got out of his shoes and tip toed over to the kitchen where Shinya had left for. Pouting over the already cold tea, Shinya put the cup aside and then opened a drawer and pulled out a roller.<br/>
“Oh god, this will take some time!” Toshiya laughed, didn’t even want to touch the roller because he felt dirty and messy and like a little child who had played outside.<br/>
“If you don’t mind. I would quickly take a shower.” Toshiya hummed affirming and started to roll over his sweater already, watched the hair lessen and lessen with every roll. He had to purse his lips tightly to not tell Shinya how good of an idea this was and that the concept was fantastic. You could just rip off the full and dirty part at the stamping and got a fresh and sticky part again!<br/>
No way Toshiya could tell him now that he was a man in his 40s who had never used a lint roller and was absolutely amazed by it! So he didn’t bother that Shinya walked off and left Toshiya standing in the kitchen all to himself with the roller.</p><p>After some – more the less some, many actually – strokes with the roller Toshiya felt a bit more hairless again. He disposed of the used sticky papers. As he washed his hands he spotted the tea next to the sink.<br/>
Cold. Shinya must have made it before Toshiya came to pick him up. Curious over what sort of tea the drummer liked, Toshiya lifted the cup and smelled on it.<br/>
“Cherry. Smells differently than it tastes.” A shocked gasp escaped Toshiya’s mouth and he quickly placed the cup back on the counter and turned around, found Shinya in some more comfortable clothes now and seemingly looking a bit crushed.<br/>
“Sorry, I didn’t want to… I was curious…” he blabbered and waved his hand, was very sure his cheeks would look like ripe cherries now too.<br/>
“Would you like to drink some?” Shinya asked and walked over to the counter, set water in the kettle again to finally have some soothing warm tea for himself too. Instead of declining, Toshiya really wasn’t that much a fan of tea and always poured in a shameful amount of sugar, he nodded with a smile and waited if and where Shinya would like to sit down. It wasn’t the first time he was here, but the first time he wasn’t here for work or in another professional setting.<br/>
With swift motions as Toshiya’s eyes were used to see from the drummer, the lint roller got stored away again, two fresh cups got placed on a nice looking art nouveau tray along with a cute pot with flower prints and a sieve where Shinya added some loose tea.<br/>
“Sugar?” – “If you want to see me pour three heaped spoons in one cup…”<br/>
For a moment Shinya shot his colleague a glance, then grinned: “I guess this tea is supposed to be consumed in that way.”<br/>
The kettle interrupted them for a second and as soon as Shinya poured the water over the sieve Toshiya’s unspoken question was already answered: “It smells like fruit gum!”<br/>
With a brighter smile Shinya put a sugar bowl and spoons on the tray and then left for the living room where they sat down and waited.<br/>
And waited.<br/>
In silence.<br/>
Because there was no dog to come up and cuddle or to bark at Toshiya or to play with a toy.<br/>
And it was cold.</p><p>“Shinya…?” Toshiya said his name again as he feared he was too silent the first time or the drummer really was that far off in his thoughts already.<br/>
“Shinya-chan, don’t be sad.” Toshiya pouted as he saw the sad eyes and that Shinya waved it off, expressed his apologies.<br/>
“I am allowed to be sad. I am alone now.” Shinya said with a cold tone that was absolutely not what Toshiya wanted to hear. With a frown between his brows the bassist got up and decided that it was time for more drastic support. So, he lifted the small man up and sat back again with him on the lap. Almost like a dog.<br/>
“What are you doing Toto?” Shinya hissed immediately and tried to still his legs as he was fighting against being held and had lost his balance and needed ground underneath his feet.<br/>
“Holding you.” Toshiya stated the obvious and waited until Shinya had settled himself and stopped fighting against being held. His feet were placed on the couch, one arm across Toshiya’s chest to press himself away, the other on Toshiya’s knee for some balance. A start Toshiya would say.<br/>
“Why?” Shinya asked, was still confused what was going on and why Toshiya had just lifted him up like a toy and placed on his lap and heck, how did Shinya end up on the lap on his colleague?<br/>
“Because you are small and in need of a hug.” Toshiya sighed and leaned further back in the couch, pulled on Shinya’s shoulder to give in and rest a bit too.<br/>
“I am not small, you are big. And I’m not needy.” Even if he hissed and frowned, Shinya placed his hands on Toshiya’s chest as he shifted along and then sank against his chest, put his hands in his lap again and placed his head on Toshiya’s shoulder.<br/>
“You do need a hug Yamo-chan and that’s okay.” Toshiya grinned and patted his shoulder, rubbed up and down his thin arms. That was more to his pleasing, maybe the drummer would calm down that way and stop being so sad.<br/>
“You’re not alone. You have us too.” Toshiya stated, left the drummer biting his lip because he was apparently very forgetful today. Of course he still had his human companions and for one he was very thankful to be right here at this side.</p><p>After some more wrangling and shifting they had found a good position and Toshiya started to crawl through Shinya’s hair and give him a soft head massage while his other hand occupied itself by running gently over Shinya’s knee from time to time. As Shinya had nothing better to do or offer, he tried recalling a memory of Miyu but was quickly stopped by Toshiya, to rest for today and not force himself to ponder in pain and for once Shinya was grateful for the silence that followed and the company he had. The tea was already forgotten but the sweet scent of cherries was lingering in the air.</p><p> </p><p>Some months had already passed and Shinya had happily never found a forgotten and overlooked toy while deep cleaning his flat. He had, so far as possible after living with another being for 17 years, moved on and found a liking in taking walks all by himself. Even if the first couple times were giving him anxiety attacks. Some days Toshiya even joined him and they walked in silence until they’d go back to Shinya’s flat to indulge in some sweet cherry tea together as it was still cold outside but gladly there was not much snow.<br/>
It had become blissful moments. The time Shinya and Toshiya spent together calmed Shinya down and brightened his mood and it always was exciting in some way or another. Sometimes they ended up doing something completely differently than they had planned as that one evening Toshiya had ended up giving Shinya a crash course on playing World of Warcraft and then had to drag Shinya away from the computer after he had sat glued to the screen for some hours already.<br/>
At some point, often lately, Shinya played with the idea of getting a new dog. Maybe a bigger one he could cuddle with? Miyu had been very tiny but Shinya always was sure he felt safe when he held him. Just, as Shinya had felt safe when Toshiya had put him on his lap and held him. It was a nice thought, being held by someone whom he could trust.</p><p> </p><p>It was another lazy afternoon with walking and chatting lowly about recent tour plans and possible new hair colours or cuts, both men came back to Shinya’s flat already.<br/>
“May I offer you some cherry tea?” Shinya asked as every time. And as every time, Toshiya replied with a warm smile and a ‘happily’.<br/>
As the water was boiling and Shinya started preparing the tea tray Toshiya fumbled nervously with a little box he had carried in his jacket for the whole day already. He had waited for some weird kind of ‘right moment’ and maybe it was a good idea to have waited until they were in Shinya’s flat for giving him this. It was nothing big actually, a little something Toshiya had found after he had seen Shinya being in such a depressed state of mind that Toshiya couldn’t help himself but look for something that would lift up the drummer’s mood.<br/>
Just as Shinya had put everything on the tray Toshiya took the moment and put the box on the kitchen counter between them.<br/>
“Uh… Shinya… I, I got you something…” Toshiya then stated, was a bit overcharged with the way on how to give someone a present. He stared at the green wrapping and then to Shinya who gave him an expressionless stare back.<br/>
“Why.” Was all Shinya could spit out as he took the little box and started ripping off the green paper. Wincing about how Toshiya would say it at best, he kept it real and moaned that the drummer had been so sad and depressed and that he wanted him to be a bit happy again.<br/>
And there it was, what had given Toshiya no sleep for a week, headache for another four weeks until he had settled on what he wanted to get him and two more weeks chills if the package would arrive in good condition and then finally something warm settled in as he had unpacked it to take a close look on the finished product. It was a handmade unique little pendant that had ‘Miyu’ engraved on the one side and on the other side there were little cherry blossoms because through all this pain, something new and warm could start and Toshiya was more than happy with seeing the drummer apart from their studio time or when they were on tour. And also, because Toshiya really enjoyed Shinya’s cherry tea. He had already caught himself taking a package in the store but then put it back again. It wouldn’t be the same as drinking it with Shinya.<br/>
“That is – “ for the first time in his life Shinya was at loss for words even if he WANTED to speak and had words in mind that suddenly made no sense anymore. The metal felt cold between his fingers but quickly warmed up at the touch and Shinya could already imagine wearing this pendant every day. It was simple and elegant and so very much something that fit to Toshiya’s style.<br/>
“Cherries.” Toshiya stated, gestured towards Shinya and then took another deep breath as he realised that this word all alone would not really make any sense and he wasn’t sure if Shinya’s question would have been what kind of flowers petals were embossed on the pendant: “Blossoms, cherry blossoms. Because, cherry tea and well… it’s something new and … I don’t know exactly but it seems… good?”<br/>
Whatever it was and whatever Toshiya’s real intention was behind the cherry blossoms, it made Shinya almost tear up so he quickly hid his face behind his hands. A smile though, bright and merry as it hadn’t been for many months, started to build up on his face, made him choke on nervous gasps for air.<br/>
“Shin… are you crying Yamo-chan?” Toshiya asked silently and carefully laid a hand on the drummer’s shoulder. His crouched body shivered at the touch and then he vigorously shook his head and wiped over his cheeks as there had been tears streaming down. Composing himself a bit Shinya took a deep breath but then broke out in a big smile again another wave of tears made their way down his cheeks: “This is so… thank… you!”<br/>
The words didn’t even make it fully over Shinya’s lips as Toshiya pulled him in a tight hug. Comforting words filled the little space between them and Shinya gave in faster in that physical approach as the first time Toshiya had gotten closer. He closed his eyes, relaxed his shoulders and stopped working his jaw trying to form any comprehensible sentence constructions. Toshiya would understand, Shinya was sure the bassist understood.</p><p>After some comforting silence and the kettle going off already minutes ago, ignored by both men, Toshiya giggled lowly at his first idea he had come up with: “I thought a life-sized Cheburashka would be nice but I guess this is more like you.”<br/>
Snorting against Toshiya’s chest, Shinya hid his face, was already intrigued by the idea of fitting a life-sized Cheburashka in his bedroom or on the couch in the living room. He could SIT in it probably like in a beanbag.<br/>
“This is almost as good as cuddling a life-sized Cheburashka.” He whispered into the sweater Toshiya was wearing. Shinya’s lips were still parted slightly as he realised what words he had actually used and they were heard by Toshiya too: “Almost?! Am I that bad of a hugger?”<br/>
Swiftly Toshiya turned them both around so he could lean against the kitchen counter and wrap his arms better around the smaller man.<br/>
Again Shinya giggled and gave in, let his arms close around Toshiya’s torso, then murmured: “The only thing better about a Cheburashka is, that he’s always there, 24/7, and I can tell him about stupid things.” – “Oh YOU think about stupid things? Such as…?”<br/>
Promptly Shinya bit his lip again, had already spilled enough to make him fear it was all some weird dream he’d wake up from too soon.<br/>
“I just made you a compliment!” he refrained from saying anything more, stabbed two fingers in the bassist’s side which made him jerk and gasp for air immediately.<br/>
“Is that one of such stupid things you do?!” Toshiya giggled, kept persistent but earned only a mere “Maybe.” as answer. But, it was enough, and it was good.<br/>
“Holding you feels nice too, in case you were wondering.” Toshiya then admitted, felt much too hot and too nervous as soon as he said it. But if it would make Shinya feel better, then he’d speak his mind.<br/>
“Yeah?” Shinya poked him again, softer this time, made Toshiya wince nevertheless: “You make a good little spoon.”<br/>
“Spoon?!” Shinya exclaimed and poked with more force again: “I would rather identify myself with a fork! Kaoru is a spoon, a satellite sized spoon who hears everything and sees everything!”<br/>
Now it was Toshiya who burst out in giggles, shook their bodies in unison but he wouldn’t stop holding Shinya in a hug and apparently Shinya also didn’t seem willing to bring distance between them again.<br/>
“You are too cute! I didn’t mean it like in cutlery…!” he giggled, stroked some hair out of Shinya’s face. It was already quite dishevelled, not so usually sleek and gracefully done.<br/>
“Are you calling me stupid now!” a squeeze followed, then Toshiya squeezed back: “No, I made you a compliment!” – “You complimented me only to mock me, I see!”<br/>
Immediately the warm and slender arms were gone from around Toshiya’s body and Shinya stepped back, glared at the bassist. With a slight distraught expression Toshiya straightened his back, was scrambling together some kind of apology that it was a misunderstanding, that he didn’t intend to accuse Shinya of something: “D-Don’t go…!”<br/>
Toshiya reached out to grab for Shinya’s shoulder or arm but just as he thought he had him, Shinya merely lifted his hand to point back to the couch: “I thought we may opt for a more comfortable place?”<br/>
Toshiya huffed out, perplexed over his own fear and of maybe having offended Shinya, muttered that he was the stupid one apparently.<br/>
“I’d like to find out if you are a good big spoon.” So Shinya knew and could talk like that too! There went the innocent image Toshiya had always held of the drummer. A smug grin showed up on Toshiya’s face as he followed the smaller man back to the living. Just before he could sit down, Toshiya clicked his tongue, placed his hands around his narrow hips and pulled him down on his lap. Nuzzling his face into the ash-blond hair, Toshiya drew him closer, made sure they were in a comfortable position.<br/>
“Are you wondering if it feels good being held by you?” Shinya asked with a gasp as he felt a warm hand being placed on his back and he got turned to the side a bit so he sat more towards Toshiya.<br/>
“I had assumed so…” Toshiya whispered, didn’t even know why he was whispering but blurting it in Shinya’s face seemed improper as the drummer’s face was already so close, he could feel the warm breath on his cheeks.<br/>
“It feels amazing.” Only a faint gasp against Toshiya’s cheeks before Shinya slung his arms around Toshiya’s neck and slid even closer, couldn’t help but mirror Toshiya’s smile.<br/>
And there, after a cold and bleak winter, something new started to bloom.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>does anyone else have that weird thought the pendant would look like one of Toshiya's picks? or is it just me? haaa :')</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. *nine melted cupcakes (Kaoru/Kyo)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kyo makes it his mission to get the most exclusive cupcakes he can get in town for Valentine’s Day. But not for Kaoru or for them both to enjoy. After Kaoru's lousy excuse - that one time they agree on spending this day together and he goes off to the studio - Kyo is pissed and demands Shinya's attention and treats himself to some desserts if Kaoru wouldn't do this.</p><p>*Valentine's special*</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here it is :)))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry it took so long</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’ll just quickly head to the studio to help Die set up the new recording equipment.” – that had been said exactly five hours ago. And no, Kaoru didn’t need four and a half hours commute to the studio, not even half an hour.<br/>
Kyo could have been angry. It was Valentine’s Day and this year they had agreed on spending this day together as couple. Their birthdays were following very close anyway and they would be off to parties their friends held for them and the little time they had in between, in the hours where no sun was to be seen, were too little for any romantic interaction. There was also nothing romantic about Valentine’s Day other than showing your partner how crazily much money they were worth spending. Kyo hated it actually, he was disgusted by the idea of buying overpriced shit and being pressured by society to show Kaoru how much he loved him – on that day only.<br/>
So much so far, Kyo hadn’t bothered to buy anything and he didn’t have any other plans. On an intimate matter they were more than open minded and varied a lot anyway. So, there was nothing really that would give them an extra thrill. Kyo had nice things to wear, would wear them casually underneath his normal clothes on a day off to surprise Kaoru. Just, whenever he felt up to do so, without any pressure.</p><p>As the next hour was slipping past Kyo’s fingers he started to wonder if something had happened. Car accidents or being stuck in an overfilled tram or bus were not so uncommon and slowly but steadily a bad feeling spread in Kyo. By now it was lunch time already. They hadn’t planned anything exclusive but still… Munching down a quick sandwich while waiting for a reply on Kyo’s message left the vocalist standing giddy in the kitchen instead of sitting down and eating like a normal human being.<br/>
He could also just call Die if Kaoru had his phone somewhere in the pocket! And so, Kyo called Die, waited, waited and waited.<br/>
“Fuck you too!” Kyo let out and groaned, put the phone back on the kitchen counter and finished up his sandwich. If Kaoru wanted to celebrate but then was the one who was off half the day, then he’d better bring those stupid roses and chocolate pralines. Kyo couldn’t deny that he had his hopes up on spending a bit more time with his partner and now he sat put all alone.<br/>
Did Kaoru do this intentionally? As kind of… cruel lecture, promising something that society oppressed them with and then deny him some basic stupid joy and make him regret ever expecting anything? Because, it was just a day as every other.</p><p>Kyo was stone sour by now, had also CALLED Kaoru – what if both, Die and Kaoru had an accident? What if Die knocked Kaoru over with his car in the parking garage and they – or what if they were locked up in the recording room? Wouldn’t be the first time that some staff member just checked if the rooms were locked securely if no band was booked into them.<br/>
Seeing it as desperate last option Kyo called Toshiya, asked if he was in the studio. And luckily he was but unfortunately neither Die nor Kaoru were there.<br/>
So those two guitarists were off on shenanigans? Kyo huffed out, bit his lip and then decided to annoy Shinya too, if he had heard of any plans from Die. As far as Kyo knew, the drummer also had some studio time scheduled for today.<br/>
“And… Kaoru was there too?” Kyo asked after having to apologise a good ten times because he interrupted Shinya’s lunch.<br/>
“Yes.” Shinya said coldly, wanted to ask if he was finished with the disturbance.<br/>
“How long did he stay?” there was a moment of silence, then Shinya said it was just for some minutes.<br/>
“He helped Die set up the recording stuff, right?” Kyo asked giddy, was ready to make Kaoru face his anger. This was not fair.<br/>
“He was in the office for some minutes and then left with Die.” Shinya stated and now Kyo was even more baffled and also angry. So he lied, additionally.<br/>
What was Kaoru up to?<br/>
“Maybe they went to the guitar store?” Shinya then proposed in mere hopes that Kyo was finished now and he could eat his by now cold lunch. That sounded plausible, but still, why was Kaoru spending so much time with Die when he should be here, with Kyo instead!<br/>
“Probably…” Kyo murmured, then: “What are you up to, today?”<br/>
Because if Kaoru could do stuff for hours with others, then Kyo could also spend this day differently.<br/>
“Kyo-san… please.” Shinya breathed out and Kyo rolled his eyes, saw Shinya hiding his face in his hand.<br/>
“Finish your lunch and suck it up. I’ll be at your place in 20 minutes.” Kyo growled and clicked him away before he could state any refusal. He’d just treat himself to some cupcakes or other desserts if Kaoru wouldn’t get him some and rather went to this lousy guitar store with an even lousier other guitarist to talk about filthy topics and end up in a bar drinking cheap beer and smelling of old greasy oil.</p><p> </p><p>Kyo was on point and didn’t get a friendly greeting. Instead Shinya was fully dressed and locked the door behind him.<br/>
“So, what is it that you want to do?” Shinya asked with a cold voice that made Kyo pat his shoulder gently and hum, that he should stop sulking, he wanted to spend with his favourite drummer. Deep in Kyo’s heart he added, favourite along with Mika.<br/>
“You just want to spend time with SOMEONE because apparently Kaoru isn’t at your service when you want it.” Shinya shot back, was not completely wrong with that statement and it hurt Kyo more than he wanted to admit. Just for once he had looked forward to some stupid and mindless giving in and doing “what couples would do on Valentine’s Day” and then they didn’t do what couples would do on Valentine’s Day.<br/>
“Don’t say it like thaaat…” Kyo moaned, was almost about to apologise for making Shinya spend time with him even if it wasn’t him with whom Kyo wanted to spend time with today.<br/>
“It’s okay. I can deal with being second choice. As long as there’s no other drummer for Diru.” He then stated as they went up to Shinya’s car and Kyo seated himself on the passenger seat and got the belt secured. No, Kaoru wouldn’t have had a car accident…<br/>
“No one could ever replace you!” Kyo whined, didn’t want to think about ever having to look for another drummer. With Mika it was fine, as it was a different setting, with different people and a different atmosphere.<br/>
“Okay.” Shinya got the car started, clicked the lights to get on the street: “Where’d you wanna go?”</p><p> </p><p>After the first half hour of spending too much money on some fancy coffee Kyo finally started to relax and discuss about the various cakes the café was offering. It was one of Shinya’s favourite cafés and even if it was super exclusive and high class, Kyo could imagine going here with Kaoru.<br/>
One day, if he might return today at some point. He should go and get a cake for Kaoru actually. To smash it in his face to make him feel like a clown because somewhere deep in Kyo he felt like a clown who danced for Kaoru.<br/>
“You want to try a cake? You’ve been looking at the menu card for some time already.” Shinya pointed out, had already devoured some muffin with marzipan and cherries and white ganache and how did they call this? Tonka bean chocolate filling? Their selection was grand and Kyo found himself a bit too overwhelmed at first. There were some pieces that sounded heavenly good and were sure sweet as fuck. But the all were so much and Kyo would get diabetes one day if it were for Kaoru. But Kaoru wasn’t here so he could also just go and order those three cupcakes that made his stomach growl.</p><p>“Would you like them for now or to be packed up?” Kyo squinted his eyes, knew that a normal person wouldn’t eat all three cupcakes at once. He nodded and said all three packed up would be nice, got a dismissive glare from Shinya who would have enjoyed watching Kyo choke on the first one already. Shinya’s stomach was already used to those treats but when he came here the first time he could manage only half of a small portion.<br/>
The waitress came back after some minutes with the receipt and a nicely packages box and a bag to put the muffins in. Kyo paid for both their orders, Shinya took it with a silent nod. After all the vocalist practically forced him to spend any more hours out of his flat.<br/>
“Okay then… do you know more such… fancy cafés?” Kyo asked giddy as they walked up to the car. Shinya rolled his eyes: “Plenty!”<br/>
For a moment a very dark grin showed up on Kyo’s face. He’d buy a lot, A LOT of small treats and then eat them all alone while Kaoru would have to watch him and he wouldn’t even get a kiss to steal some last chocolate bits from his lips or tongue.<br/>
“Okay – level of fancy? How much do you want to spend?” Shinya asked, was up and ready to let his brain do the work.<br/>
“Very fancy! Money is not up to debate. But it shouldn’t be some gold leaf shit or something super extra. Just… tasty and a bit over the top?”<br/>
Shinya nodded contently and proposed some places Kyo had never heard of but confirmed to go there.</p><p>The first one was nice and all, but not as fancy as Kyo thought and some sorts were already sold out as it was Valentine’s Day. After all, cupcakes and desserts were the fast go-to solution.</p><p>The second café had a vast assortment again, almost too much and so Kyo asked for the best selling ones and then took two of them that sounded quite like a nice mix and weren’t the same as the ones he already had.</p><p>The third place, it was so overcrowded that Shinya straight up turned around and went to the next one, a rather expensive one but he was sure Kyo would find himself something to die and rot away from.</p><p>“Okay but I am really allowed in there? There’s security at the entry. This isn’t a jewellery store, right?” Kyo whispered as he followed Shinya to the entry. Shinya only rolled his eyes in a dismissive manner and then pulled out a card what seemed like a club card. With a bow the two men were greeted and the doors opened.<br/>
“Alright, take your time and keep your face if you chose something and go to the cash desk. Those are expensive.” Shinya murmured and strolled off immediately.<br/>
It felt – more than what a jewellery store would offer. It had a museum kind of atmosphere. Diverse cakes with layers and elaborate designs were behind glass cubicles, a cake made out of many small cupcakes, a chocolate statute, a chocolate fountain that was only to look at. Those things were sure in the range of their monthly earnings, if not more. So, Kyo tried to pick only one cupcake that looked fancy enough but not too expensive. Still, the price was shocking but Kyo kept his face as he slid his bank card over the device. Almost five figures for just a stupid little dessert! That better tasted like sin and would pull Kyo straight into hell!</p><p>Before Shinya drove to his favourite place they stopped by a little shop that looked closed but was very recluse rather traditional. Kyo and Shinya got greeted in a heart warming manner and so they walked in and looked around. there wasn’t that much to pick from as the treats were traditional and rather simple but exactly what it needed for Kyo to calm down again. With a bit more softness he chose two treats and asked the lady if she could wrap it nicely and he even got a bow and a pretty bag.</p><p>“Okay there’s one more places, not too expensive but also not too… basic! Don’t worry!” Shinya said, waited if Kyo wanted to spend even more money on sweets that he couldn’t eat in one day and would be bad by the next day. But he wouldn’t question that behaviour as long as he wouldn’t have to hold his hand or do other Valentine’s Day stuff. Usually they were working in the studio anyway and not even one romantic glance had ever been exchanged between Kyo and Kaoru. At least ever since the rest of them knew about their relationship, and before… well, Shinya could really care less as long as it didn’t affect him.<br/>
Too much, today, he could forgive. All the ads and decorations all around them was sure bumming and there was no real studio schedule for today anyway. Maybe Kyo had hopes that Kaoru would surprise him?<br/>
Or maybe –<br/>
“Hey, why don’t you choose one for you and Kaoru to share? Wouldn’t that be nice?” Shinya proposed as they entered the next store.<br/>
“Don’t make me buy shitty kitsch cupcakes for couples…” just as Kyo spit this out he faced what seemed a ton of couple cupcakes and a very eager vendor came up to them and grinned wildly: “Happy Valentine’s Day! How can I assist?”<br/>
Kyo suppressed the gag noises he wanted to make at the greeting but Shinya was fast to take charge and ordered a deluxe Valentine’s Day box set. With a plushie.<br/>
“What are you doing? Kao isn’t into stuffed animals… not in that way. Stuffed chicken or turkey yes, but not pulshies!” Kyo hissed and followed Shinya up to the counter where the vendor placed diverse ready-sets to pick.<br/>
“The one with the dog looks good, right?” Shinya gasped and lifted up the little plush dog. Almost Miyu-size!<br/>
“This one!” Shinya handed the plushie over again and then went through the additional candy and pralines. He knew their assortment anyway but was looking for something for Kyo to order.<br/>
“How about the truffle chocolates? And the almond ones are good as well. There’s ones with rum, don’t take them. And the white tonka bean ones are very good as well.” Shinya blabbered, left Kyo a bit confused. Shinya looked over to his bandmate, then sighed dramatically and requested another box set and just went for it. If Kyo was too stubborn to do this, then at least Shinya wanted a happy leader.<br/>
“Thank me later!” Shinya said and passed over the counter, had the vendor wrapping both sets up nicely.<br/>
“You pay.” – “I pay.” – “I’ll wait at the car.” – “Sure.”<br/>
Kyo grumbled, chewed on the inside of his cheeks as he paid for both sets and then went back to the car and handed the one with the dog plush over to Shinya: “Happy Valentine’s Day, thanks for driving me around.”<br/>
Now, Shinya was happy and hoped that Kaoru would be happy too. He would deliver Kyo now back to their house and then have a peaceful evening with candy and a new plushie and his favourite movie.</p><p> </p><p>“Kyo? KYO!” Kyo wasn’t even out of both shoes, Kaoru came already stepping up to the entry, completely out of breath: “Where WERE you!”<br/>
Slowly Kyo hung up his jacket and slipped into his house shoes: “Could ask you the same.”<br/>
Kaoru pursed his lips, knew of course that Kyo would be a bit pissed. After all, he had promised to spend time with him today and yet he had been driving around like an insane idiot only to come back to an empty house.<br/>
Silently both men retreated to the kitchen where Kyo placed all the little bags, then the anger took over him once again and he couldn’t, didn’t even want to hide that he was pissed: “So, mind telling what was more important to ignore me like that all day?”<br/>
“All day!” Kaoru shot back and then nodded to the bags between them: “You had fun apparently while I was running errands!”<br/>
“Well, you weren’t there as promised, so I treated myself. Because I deserve this.” Kyo countered. Of course – that one time they ‘agreed’ one something Kyo made it so ultimate and final and unchangeable as if he needed all of Kaoru’s attention right on spot.<br/>
“You deserve this… yeah…” Kaoru hissed between gritted teeth and then turned around and placed a simple box with a plain cord binding on the table.<br/>
“I drove around like some idiot to get you those fucking papers and you just – “ Kaoru didn’t realise how loud he had gotten until he saw Kyo’s face contorted ugly and before tears would make it even worse, Kyo gasped for air and hid behind his hands like some little child. He did feel like some child that wanted nothing more than to be held but there they were, Kaoru screaming at him and Kyo being disappointed by nothing but hot air.<br/>
“Kyo…!” much softer this time and the distance was closed promptly.<br/>
“Sorry… I didn’t want to… sorry…” Kaoru shushed him silently, pulled him in a tight hug and let him weep against his chest.<br/>
“I just wanted to be with you today…” Kyo cried out voicelessly, felt so small and hurt, humiliated by his own desires and expectations.<br/>
“I know, I know… I’m sorry.” Carefully Kaoru placed some kisses on Kyo’s head until he calmed down enough to breath properly again.<br/>
“It’s the paper that made me go mad.” Kaoru chuckled lightly, felt Kyo giggling too in his arm.<br/>
“What paper?!” he asked and retreated, wiped over his cheeks and looked on the table where the box laid.<br/>
“You!” Kaoru got loud again and then sighed with a grin: “You can’t even remember! You whined your ASS off the past three years that you couldn’t get those bamboo papers for your writing anywhere in Japan!”<br/>
For a moment Kyo really had to think hard about what Kaoru was talking about and then it hit him: “THOSE PAPERS! THE ONES I HAD USED FOR WHEN I WROTE THE POETRY BOOKS!”<br/>
Kyo burst out, got himself free from Kaoru’s hug, and leaped forward to the box.<br/>
“Yeah… exactly those!” Kaoru fluted and placed his hands softly around Kyo’s hips.<br/>
“Happy Valentine’s Day, my love.” Kaoru whispered against Kyo’s cheek before he gave him a soft kiss and let him unwrap the box.<br/>
Finest bamboo paper, washed and pressed by hand, naturally bleached and cut in a traditional way; whatever that meant, Kaoru wasn’t to question this. Kaoru had been dealing for over half a year already with the seller, had considered flying to Hong Kong where there was said to be a little shop with those papers. But there wasn’t even a phone number or anything to contact that shop and going there with no real idea if that was true and not just a flop… that seemed a bit drastic. But that trip today with Die was not the nicest experience either and they had to wait for two hours in the pampa as that dude had a problem with his car and came by train.<br/>
“Oh… my…..Kaoru!” Kyo couldn’t even form a real sentence so he turned around and kissed him, put his all in that kiss because not only was Kaoru fucking persistent and perfect, but he also was a bit of a romantic as he had written something very special on the very first page of the paper stack.<br/>
“That a yeah?” Kaoru asked between another kiss, supported Kyo’s body as he almost climbed on him.<br/>
“Of course I wanna marry you!” Kyo blurted out and crawled into Kaoru’s arms, slung his legs around his hips, hands digging into Kaoru’s shoulder to keep him close.<br/>
“Shouldn’t I like…” Kaoru got interrupted by another kiss, almost too harsh and too much, but he snickered at the intensity of this moment, was glad that Kyo wasn’t that kind of pissed that everything would have started to fall apart now. It was quite a big shot, after standing him up all day and then bluntly asking such a big thing as if he was flawless.<br/>
Though, in Kyo’s eyes, Kaoru’s flaws were what made him so perfect, what made him so real and so human and also what made him burst into laughter as Kaoru stopped their kiss to call him back to reality: “Am I allowed to kneel down.”<br/>
Kyo snorted, was amused by how stiff Kaoru was now and how much he tried to do exactly what society told them to do – kneel down when you want to ask someone to marry.<br/>
“D’you have a ring?” Kyo mocked, got a dark shot back, then Kaoru kneeled down for real, muttered that he wasn’t stupid. A bit jittery now, Kaoru took Kyo’s hands, interlaced their fingers before he tried to say the words he had written on the paper: “Do you want to be by my side as my rightful spouse?”<br/>
Even better, so much better as Kaoru spoke those words out loud. A fearful gasp escaped Kyo’s mouth as he nodded vigorously and leaned forward to kiss Kaoru once again.</p><p>Even if Kaoru really had no ring – he wouldn’t wear one 24/7 anyway all the time? – Kyo only got disappointed one more time that evening. That very expensive cupcake wasn’t really that good. Chocolate-y was all Kaoru had commented on it as they had gotten themselves a nice hot bathtub, some champagne to celebrate and devoured the cupcakes together.<br/>
“This is actually really nice.” Kaoru sighed then and leaned back in the bathtub, tasted some caramel on his tongue.<br/>
“Getting drunk and eating sweets in the bathtub?” Kyo snickered, slid closer. Some chocolate pralines that were topping the little desserts melted away from the heat and there sure were crumbs in the water, but who were they to complain if they had each other.<br/>
“Yeah… having such a nice evening with you. We should really do this more often. Like…” Kaoru ran his fingers through Kyo’s hair, thought about how he wanted to end this sentence. They had never really given a fuck about anniversaries or date-nights or anything “that couples would do” and there never was any pressure to bow to such things.<br/>
“Like whenever we want to? Once a month?” Kyo suggested playfully.<br/>
“Are we getting old?” Kaoru laughed out, thought about being in his 40s and finally having a bit routine in his private life for the first time.<br/>
“We’re getting married!” Kyo snorted, leaned back against Kaoru’s chest.<br/>
“Mhhh… we might have to test some more of those cakes until then. I mean we’re gonna have a cake, yeah?!” Kaoru joked and got a playful poke back: “Of course we’re gonna have a cake!”<br/>
“And how about an udon buffet? For the guests to choose?” – “Oh, that’s a good idea! We’re gonna do a dress code or nah?” – “Eh, I could care less how they come.” – “And we’re gonna go on honeymoon?” – “Mmmhh… let’s see how I can schedule that with work…” – “Kaoru!”<br/>
Quickly Kaoru turned him around and kissed him, grinned and whispered an “of course we’re going on a honeymoon” against Kyo’s lips before he kissed them again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wanted smut but cupcakes are nice too, so this happened and now I reconsider if I should write another KK chapter and add smut there of course and... mmmhhhh (I love writing, absolutely, making decisions is my strength!) T^T</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. *dirt and desire (Shinya/Toshiya)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Toshiya lures Shinya out of his flat with a little quiz and they both enjoy playing.<br/>or: how to take the seriousness out of Valentine's Day</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Toshiya stared at his phone for already over ten minutes. No second message, no further questions asked, no bargaining, no bantering, no words of silence and no resistance?!<br/>
He should get ready then!<br/>
On the question if Shinya was up for some quiz and a hunt today, casually not mentioning Valentine’s Day in any way, Toshiya hadn’t really taken in account how fast Shinya would reply and even confirm that he’d come over. Toshiya didn’t even have to make him come to his place! Even better, as the bassist had some things prepared. Now, he only had to get dressed and check if everything was placed to his liking.</p><p>On point, as expected from a drummer, Shinya rang the bell at Toshiya’s flat and was let in with a soft smile. Toshiya closed the door and waited until Shinya was out of his coat and shoes, had slipped into the house shoes that Toshiya had prepared for him. Of course, DIRT house shoes with a little dog face imprint, a unique designer piece as Shinya wouldn’t be satisfied with anything less.<br/>
“Hi…” Toshiya smiled and put his hands on Shinya’s shoulder, felt super nervous as he leaned forward and gave him a shy kiss. They had started dating not long ago and even if there had been some situations both had to hold back to go into this slow and carefully, Toshiya also knew that both needed this time to get comfortable with this situation.</p><p>Shinya almost couldn’t respond to the kiss as much was he smiling too, excited for whatever Toshiya was up to. Usually no one was up for games or doing any puzzles or other mind-games. But Shinya was intrigued, liked to think out of the box, find different solutions for problems he was facing when doing quizzes.<br/>
“So…!” he asked and took a deep breath. Toshiya snorted and nodded, took Shinya’s hand and led him to the table in the living room. A bigger bag was awaiting Shinya and Toshiya slid it over to him but before Shinya could take a look into it Toshiya held back, lifted one finger: “This is your first task – you have five minutes.”<br/>
Shinya’s eyes widened, like a cat that spotted prey. Quickly he opened the bag and pulled out a letter. Shooting Toshiya a daring glance he read the description.<br/>
“Five minutes?” he repeated and lifted the bag. Clothes, he’d go to the bathroom to get changed. What was Toshiya up to?<br/>
“Tick Tock Tick Tock!” Toshiya laughed and bit his lip, was sure that Shinya would get changed in those minutes.</p><p>Exactly four and a half minutes later Shinya stood in the hallway and shouted that he was ready and he managed it in under five minutes. The clothes weren’t that much different than what he was wearing just before but – they were exclusively from Toshiya’s brand and very comfortable. As expected of course. He had even added shoes, Toshiya really knew how to play this.<br/>
“Okay, well done!” Toshiya grinned and walked up to the hallway. He held up two envelopes, their contents unseen by Shinya, and offered him to choose as he had fulfilled the first task with bravura.<br/>
“Then, I shall choose the envelope ‘B’.” Shinya pointed at the one with the B on it, thought about something maybe Toshiya liked because he was a bassist and that’s why it had a B?<br/>
“Good choice!” Toshiya smiled and handed Shinya the envelope as he got into his shoes and jacket now too and then held open Shinya’s coat for him to slip in again.<br/>
“The park?!” Shinya asked and frowned for a moment, then looked back at Toshiya, closed his coat.<br/>
“Yep, that’s written on that letter, right?” Toshiya fluted, shooed him out of the flat so they could get going. The taxi Toshiya had called was already there. Of course Shinya was on time and of course he didn’t need longer than five minutes for the first part. So far, everything was good and just according to keikaku.</p><p>This second task was probably the most sappy and challenging part, Toshiya found as he planned this little Valentine’s surprise, but he wanted to show Shinya, that he was ready to step up their game. So, Shinya was challenged to pick hot drinks for both of them and then hold Toshiya’s hand while they took a walk through the park.<br/>
“That’s so kitschy and so like you!” Shinya huffed, but grinned as he handed Toshiya a warm matcha latte. He got himself the same but with added marshmallows because he was feeling cold and wanted something very sweet. Apart from Toshiya, who had paid, as it was his idea anyway.<br/>
“But that’s what you … appreciate about me?” Toshiya tried to flirt but not make it too romantic and so he left out saying ‘what you like about me’.<br/>
Shinya shot him a daring glance, then let his fingers slip between Toshiya’s, and whispered: “True.”<br/>
Toshiya let out a relieved giggle and pulled softly on Shinya’s hand to move forward and walk a bit. The weather was wonderful, even if it was cold, they had warm drinks in one hand and each other within the other hand.</p><p>Taking a seat on one of the not yet occupied park benches, Shinya was allowed to let go of Toshiya’s hand but as the bassist let his arm rest behind his back, Shinya couldn’t help but shake his head and slide closer.<br/>
“Do I get extra points for that?” he asked, leaned against Toshiya and enjoyed the extra warmth.<br/>
“Mhmm… maybe?” and so, Shinya’s hand found its place on Toshiya’s thigh, an affirmative hum and kiss into the ash-blond hair followed.<br/>
“So, onto the third quest!” Shinya smiled, squeezed Toshiya’s thigh to make him spill. He enjoyed that game a lot, maybe too much.<br/>
“Oh, for that, it’s a simple question!” Toshiya laughed out and turned Shinya around to get more serious.<br/>
“Are you ready?” – “Yes!”<br/>
“You have to answer this honestly!” – “Of course.”<br/>
“And you can’t take it back or change it, once it’s said.” – “Toshi-“<br/>
“What’s your favourite restaurant?”<br/>
Shinya pursed his lips, hadn’t expected such a question. That was not really what he had expected from a quiz, but then again, it was a question and he had an answer for that.<br/>
“It’s called The Blue Moon.” Toshiya frowned, thought about it, but then, he had never really taken any of his dates to a real restaurant-like-date and for only him? Why would he eat fancy? Fancy, because it was Shinya, and Shinya’s favourite restaurant would for sure be a bit more fancy.<br/>
“We’re not dressed accordingly, I guess?” – “Not a bit.”<br/>
Both men snorted, then Toshiya offered to take him to that restaurant soon enough, but he should choose one for now, without having to change clothes again.<br/>
“If you’d know me well enough, then you wouldn’t have asked for my favourite restaurant!” Shinya mocked as they got up to get going. The restaurant Shinya proposed was not that far from the park and as it wasn’t too late a little longer walk would just be perfect.<br/>
“I’ll keep the extra fancy for a later date!” Toshiya was quick witted and Shinya was not to object. Another date, that sounded promising and Shinya was already looking forward to that later date. And many more hopefully. Toshiya tricking him into doing weird couple stuff on Valentine’s Day with proposing to do a quiz was one thing, making it seem so casual and not putting them both under pressure with calling it a date-day was another thing and Shinya was really grateful that Toshiya had given this day some lightness with this playful approach.</p><p> </p><p>The restaurant wasn’t too full yet and so they got a nice recluse corner table. The overflowing theme of romance and love was nevertheless very present but both men didn’t really mind the roses on the table or getting a Valentine’s special welcome-drink. It was sparkling wine with rose syrup and some ice cubes with rose petals frozen into the core.<br/>
“Okay, do you have more questions prepared?” Shinya asked playfully but then was surprised by Toshiya nodding, and saying that he had five more things planned for today.<br/>
Shinya took a note and then laughed and waved it off, that he was awaiting some sort of request or question now. Grinning, Toshiya lifted his hand and placed it cautiously over Shinya’s.<br/>
“Then, my next request is, once again asking for your honesty… do you enjoy this? I mean… are you comfortable with…” – “PDA?” Shinya helped, ran his thumb over Toshiya’s fingers. Even as the waitress came with their starters, Shinya didn’t pull back, looked out of the windows as they so openly without any active doing confirmed their growing relationship.<br/>
“It’s not that I dislike it… it’s new for me I guess. That someone wants to… hold me and show this for others to see.”<br/>
Toshiya nodded, had been a bit insecure about this. The challenge to hold hands during their walk was already quite a big shot for them. But now, he understood this a bit better.<br/>
“So, then, my next question-“ – “Wait no! How do YOU feel about this!” Shinya interrupted him and after a last squeeze let go to taste the starters they had ordered. It all looked fantastic and Shinya took a quick picture of their plates. He couldn’t help but bite his lip and wait for Toshiya’s answer. He’d decide if he wanted to post it on his social media, if it was okay for Toshiya of course.<br/>
“I like it a lot, with you. I don’t want to deny this in any way but I also don’t want to do this so others know how much I like you, you know? I want to do it, when it feels good, when I want to feel YOU.”<br/>
Contently Shinya smiled, clicked his phone close. No, he didn’t have to show his followers how well Toshiya treated him, this was only for them to enjoy today.<br/>
“Ah, your next question! I interrupted you, sorry.” Shinya giggled as they slowly made their way through starters and then got a plate for two. Valentine’s special, again, Toshiya had chosen with Shinya’s okay. It was one of Shinya’s favourite dishes anyway and had some additional things he hadn’t tried yet so he was already looking forward to trying them.<br/>
“Oh, right! What do you think about tattoos?”<br/>
For a moment Shinya squinted his eyes, a thousand questions popped up in his head like some ads on tricky websites.<br/>
“What do you mean by that? Do you HAVE TATTOOS?” Shinya almost blurted and leaned forward, looked at Toshiya but of course he couldn’t see anything because both were dressed and Toshiya wasn’t as crazy as their colleagues to get any permanent stuff on his hands for the whole world to see immediately.<br/>
“Generally talking! Don’t look at me like that!” Toshiya giggled and laid one arm over his shoulder. He felt like Shinya would try to undress him with his eyes. Maybe the drummer had some x-ray eyesight?<br/>
“Eh! I don’t now… I mean Kaoru and Kyo have… many… and… scary ones? Their reputation here is… tainted? People in Japan are full of prejudices. They can’t help but being seen as something… well, as tattooed men. It’s something very much permanent and unchangeable, unless you go over it again but even then… okay WHERE do you have a tattoo!” Shinya interrupted himself again and closed his eyes tightly, tried to recollect his memories. He had seen Toshiya undressing and changing often, even in the past months when they shared a backstage room. And so far, to be completely undressed in an undisturbed moment, only between them…<br/>
“If you want to, you can find out…” Toshiya’s smug grin was answer enough for Shinya to find this out sooner rather than later. He was much too curious if and where and also WHAT his lover had tattooed on.<br/>
“I might do that!” Shinya gave back in a cocky manner, bit his lip promptly at how desperate he sounded but then again… Go big or go home and sometimes going home was really a good idea.<br/>
“Okay then… ah, let’s come to the next request before you undress me here with your x-ray eyes! Tell me things you like about yourself.” Toshiya grinned, knew that the drummer would need some time probably to give him a good answer.<br/>
“About ME?!” Shinya shot back and arched his eyebrows in confusion.<br/>
“Yep, anything. One thing, ten things, what you’re proud of, something super weird? Go for it!”<br/>
For a moment too long it was silent, only the sound of others eating filled the space around them. Then, Shinya snorted and grinned: “That’s hard!”<br/>
“Well, it’d be too easy if I say what I like about you!” Toshiya laughed too and leaned back. Smiling softly, he watched Shinya pick up some food and start eating, his mind clearly working hard to find a response.<br/>
“I like… my hair? It’s the perfect length right now.” Shinya said, looked back on his plate, then up to Toshiya again: “My shoulders. They look good in videos I think. When we had the two days of ARCHE and we went through the video footage… I liked the vidoes where you could see my shoulders? Is that weird?”<br/>
Toshiya giggled and recalled that video. Shinya was wearing a sleeveless shirt and he did look good!<br/>
“I think it’s good when you like that about yourself. I’m training, not so much anymore, but I also like how my body transforms when I train certain parts more.”<br/>
“I like that I have a lot of stamina and also my resolution.” – “You are stubborn! But that’s good, not always giving in immediately.” – “Kaoru is sometimes too experimental with some stuff!” – “That’s why we have you. To get him down again from whatever weird ideas he comes up with.”</p><p>Somehow Shinya and Toshiya ended up talking about early years in school, when their teachers would point out their mistakes but never their strong points and that both men had been left in some negative space often but they were lucky to have parents who also motivated them and showed them how to work on their weaknesses and to turn them into a strength.<br/>
The later it got, the fuller the restaurant got and also louder. Ditching a dessert as the assortment wasn’t as pleasing as both had hoped, Toshiya paid and lead Shinya out on the walkway again. Before calling a taxi though, Toshiya said he’d have a last question and then only the last part was awaiting him at Toshiya’s place.<br/>
“Okay… I am ready for one last question that will leave me with questions!” Shinya mocked and as Toshiya asked if he wanted to do anything else for today, if he’d have any place he’d like to go, Shinya refrained and then said opting for Toshiya’s flat sounded too promising to overdo now.<br/>
Giving Shinya a gently kiss on the forehead, Toshiya called a taxi to go and then whispered that he’d have a dessert at home anyway.<br/>
“Even more promising!” Shinya giggled, let his arm slip around Toshiya’s waist and lean in closer as they waited for their taxi to arrive.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay so for the last part – “ Toshiya was hardly out of his shoes as Shinya grabbed for his shoulders and pressed his lips on Toshiya’s. He had wanted to do this for some time already but overwhelming them both in public didn’t seem like a good choice. So, doing this now, was more than a relief and Shinya couldn’t hold back the sigh that escaped between the next kiss as Toshiya pushed the coat from Shinya’s shoulders, held him tight.<br/>
“Dessert can wait.” Shinya ordered, pushed Toshiya gently further into the flat. Of course he knew where his bedroom was and he hoped, he prayed, that Toshiya knew that this would happen. And that he was prepared.<br/>
“I guess the other thing can wait too then…” Toshiya grinned and let go of Shinya but only to pull him forward to his bedroom.</p><p>And of course Toshiya had prepared some stuff but kept it non-romantic very much to Shinya’s liking. He could so ditch kitschy candles or flowers or such things.<br/>
Gently Toshiya placed Shinya on the bed, kissed him fiercely though, pressed him into the mattress. Shinya’s hands immediately ran over the bassist’s chest, down to the waistband of his jeans to pull the shirt out of them and feel his skin underneath his fingertips. While Toshiya’s hands remained mostly on Shinya’s shoulders or hips, Shinya was more fast-forward than Toshiya had taken in account and so he found himself undressed faster than he thought.<br/>
“Can we skip foreplay please?” Shinya whined as Toshiya dragged his tongue over his neck, squeezes his thighs a bit. Shinya’s request made Toshiya snort and laugh but then affirm with a ‘thank you’. Toshiya never really knew how long he should do this and sometimes, it needed more drastic measurements. So, Toshiya ordered Shinya to get out of the shirt as he pulled down the skinny jeans that had looked really nice on those legs he was now kissing. Without wasting any more time Toshiya ran his tongue over the inside of Shinya’s thigh and then erection, sucked softly and got the sweetest moans as response.<br/>
“Mhhh… how do you want to? I’m… good with both.” Toshiya drew back for a moment and stepped around the bed to grab for lube.<br/>
Shinya had gotten up too, but only to put Toshiya back on the bed and straddle him immediately.<br/>
“Hooo.. okay…!” Toshiya gasped for air as the drummer sank down on his lap, cupped his cheeks and kissed him.<br/>
“You can do prep?” Shinya asked, spread his legs for Toshiya’s hand. Quickly he nodded and got some lube on his fingers, let his hand wander down between their legs to prepare Shinya for what was following soon enough.<br/>
With every careful thrust Shinya sighed and relaxed in Toshiya’s arms, wanted to finally be filled up him.<br/>
“Please… don’t make me BEG to get…” – fucked, Shinya bit his lips and pressed his forehead against Toshiya’s as he lifted his butt to make it even clearer that he was ready.<br/>
“You just really feel good.” Toshiya grinned and placed them in a better position before he pushed Shinya’s body down.<br/>
“And now?!” Shinya grinned, pushed himself up and then down again, listened to Toshiya’s pants and silent curses he whispered against Shinya’s chest.<br/>
“Very close to perfect.” Toshiya gasped, then decided to make Shinya feel what ‘perfect’ was for Toshiya. Taking over a bit Toshiya pushed upwards, wrapped his hand around Shinya’s erection and pumped carefully first but with every thrust that got answered Toshiya got more confident in what he did, kissed him, bit his lip and let his tongue slip in.<br/>
Shinya had to stop kissing Toshiya, let his forehead crash against the crook of his shoulder. Tightly he held onto Toshiya’s trained arms, let himself get dragged away much too fast and felt himself getting close to reaching his high.<br/>
“Please don’t make me come so fast.” Shinya pressed out through gritted teeth, kissed along Toshiya’s collarbone up to his neck, sucked softly on his skin.<br/>
“You give me no other choice but want you fast and hard.” Toshiya laughed out, panted and sighed. He was too riled up already to hold back anymore. Holding Shinya so close, KNOWING now what he meant with stamina…<br/>
“We should… repeat this later… a bit slower… but now… “ Shinya interrupted himself with a loud moan and sinking forward against Toshiya’s chest. Like a trigger got pulled, he tensed up, nuzzled his face against Toshiya’ sweaty skin and spilled himself beautifully in Toshiya’s hand.<br/>
“Later… yeah…” Toshiya panted, slowed down for a second before he’d hit the edge too. Just one more moment he wanted to feel Shinya so close, so intimate. Turning his face gently Toshiya smiled and then kissed Shinya, thrusted in again and again and let the heat roll over his body as he followed Shinya into bliss.<br/>
“Later, yeah.” Shinya whispered, pushed Toshiya back into the mattress and rested himself on that warm and trained body.</p><p>For a few minutes both men lingered in the afterglow, let the heat warm each other up. But then, it hit Shinya with full force. Retreating as careful as he could but also as fast as he could, he got up on his hands and stared down to Toshiya, frowned and then stated: “So, where’s the tattoo!”<br/>
Toshiya couldn’t help but laugh loudly and pull on Shinya’s thighs to make him sit comfortable on his legs before he shook his head and said there was no tattoo. Not yet: “I thought about getting one, something small that I can hide when I’m on stage and also in summer when wearing a bit more revealing clothes.”<br/>
“Get Saruman’s White Hand on your ass!” Shinya groaned and got in a more upright position. As Shinya ran his fingers through his hair, getting the strands that were sticking on his sweaty forehead and temples out of his face, Toshiya couldn’t help but run his hands over Shinya’s torso, his slim stomach and hips, and wonder, how he could be so perfect.<br/>
“Yeah why not… if you’ll get it too, then I’d do this!” Toshiya snorted but Shinya shot him a daring glance, asked: “Is this a dare?”<br/>
“Nah…!” Toshiya whined and got up now too, wanted to take a shower and get clean again for now. Maybe Shinya was up for some cuddling and watching a movie and there was still the dessert in the fridge awaiting!<br/>
“I thought more like… getting the date when we really did start out as Diru… that tattooed on?” Toshiya shrugged his shoulder.<br/>
“You’re such a melancholic wimp!” Shinya sighed and as Toshiya asked why Shinya recalled their live stream with the member-selected setlists and called him out as oldie.<br/>
“Excuse ME!” Toshiya blurted, laughed and lifted Shinya from his lap: “How about we enjoy a nice cold shower now, healthy and good after sex!”<br/>
“Spare me! I thought I had some extra points left!” Shinya mocked back, but had a bit of a weird feeling now, if Toshiya would really put him under a cold water stream. But Toshiya walked up to him, put a playful kiss on his head and murmured a ‘don’t worry’ against his hair.<br/>
“But! We do come to the last part of today!” Toshiya grinned and took both hands, squeezed them in excitement as he led Shinya to the adjoined bathroom.</p><p>From a drawer underneath the sink Toshiya pulled out another bag. While he was leaning over, Shinya couldn’t help but place his hand on Toshiya’s butt cheek and nod approvingly, joked that such a tattoo would sure look nice there.<br/>
“I actually hadn’t expected that this day would… well end like this? Or not end, I don’t really want you gone now! But to like.. that this would happen!” Toshiya blabbered, made Shinya giggle. He too hadn’t expected this would happen tonight but he had hoped it would happen very soon.<br/>
“For that you sure were prepared.” Shinya smiled, but better prepared than sorry, right?<br/>
“Well, I didn’t want to push this too fast, and that’s also why… this is more of like a present. And for when this would happen or you’d stay over.” With a soft smile Toshiya gave Shinya the bag and then checked on the shower, got the water warm. He really wasn’t up for a cold shower, that was only for after training.<br/>
As Toshiya turned around he already spotted a relaxed smile on Shinya’s face, holding a towel formed into a dog with ears in his hands. Like the ones he had added to the DIRT Valentine’s bags, but bigger and with proper ears. So Shinya had his own towel here too.<br/>
“There’s also a pyjama with a dog print in there.” – “You sure are very thoughtful.” – “Eh, I want you to feel comfortable here.”<br/>
Shinya put the dog-shape-towel back on the counter and stepped up to Toshiya who was waiting at the shower. He bit his lip a last time before he laid them on Toshiya’s, thanked him between some more kisses for this wonderful day.<br/>
“But I think for tonight a no-pyjama-dresscode is fine for me!” Shinya grinned and stepped into the hot water stream, waited for Toshiya to follow him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. *crime zone (Kaoru/Toshiya)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kaoru is absolutely no fan of Valentine’s Day and Toshiya is very much a fan of Valentine’s Day. So how best to celebrate this day? Exactly, bug Kaoru so long until he gives in and stops avoiding any social interaction by locking himself up in his studio room at home.</p><p> </p><p>The title is a little allusion to Kaoru’s characters ‘krim&amp;zon’ (and, because, oh well, Toshiya’s lips ARE a crime)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It would have been okay, if it were any day. It would have been absolutely okay, if it were a day shortly before a new release or a tour. It would have also been okay, if Kaoru would have procrastinated his streams and blog entries for a month and was practically forced by his laziness to get on track again and prepare content.<br/>But it was not okay if it was Valentine’s Day and Kaoru was brooding in his studio room all day simply for avoiding Toshiya. Hell, he even waited to grab dinner until he was more than 100% sure that Toshiya had already waited long enough for him to join and was finished. Eating alone was not so very nice and also done faster anyway.<br/>So, Toshiya found himself standing in the frame of the door, arms crossed over his chest, eyes piercing holes in Kaoru’s back. He was just sitting there, typing, shifting files from one folder to the other, renaming tracks. Stalling.<br/>“How’s the curry tasted?” Toshiya grumbled, had seen the dirty plate next to the sink. A nasty habit actually, showing Toshiya that he had eaten it but not giving feedback. Toshiya wasn’t the most confident person when it came to cooking and Kaoru was the most critical person when it came to food and would always compare with restaurants who had chefs running their kitchen and not some musician who had, out of good will and the sake of both men, started to learn to cook proper meals. They both had eating habits like unsupervised teenager sometimes but after moving together they wanted to change this. At least, Toshiya tried to change it as he also had started training at this time.<br/>Now, six years later, he could prepare dishes by himself and also follow recipes and recreate some more elaborate things.<br/>“Had a good spice… liked it…” Kaoru muttered, put in some text in the container window. Toshiya squinted his eyes, pursed his lips.<br/>“I’d have dessert prepared too…” for us both to enjoy, if you’d move your lazy ass off from that chair. Toshiya held back a snappy comment, wanted to give Kaoru the option to turn this evening in something positive.<br/>No, Toshiya wasn’t hurt or angry per se. He knew that Kaoru disliked Valentine’s Day and all that pressure that came around with it. But sometimes Toshiya liked to use those festive days as excuse to pamper his partner a bit more. And well, he did dislike Kaoru strong avoidance, that was just stubborn and stupid in Toshiya’s eyes. It also felt a bit like a punishment, but he wouldn’t tell Kaoru about that or else he’d call him out to get his expectations high by what society told him and if he’d be that easy to intrigue and lure into conceived happiness – yeah, Kaoru could turn and twist every nice moment into something negative if he wanted to.<br/>“I’m still full from the curry.” Kaoru said, grumbled some more words into his hand. His eyes were still glued onto the screen but at least he managed a delayed “thanks”. And so Toshiya huffed silently and left again. No way he could get him away from this room until the minute he’d walk straight up to the bed and fall asleep.</p><p> </p><p>About an hour later Kaoru heard faint knocking. Again. He sighed a bit, clicked on save and then let out a tired “yeah?”<br/>Of course Toshiya would try ANYTHING to get him away and make him spend time. But Kaoru didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to watch any stupid romantic movies because Toshiya would so turn on some rom-com if Kaoru would even set one foot out of this room. And he’d get out that dessert that Kaoru had spotted in the fridge already and actually very much craved.<br/>“Coffee? Thought you might want to take a break to get… ya energy levels up again for more work!” the smile on Toshiya’s face was as fake and luring as a promising break. Of course Kaoru wanted coffee and also a break and he wanted to watch a series or something else, or just listen to music with Toshiya. He’d even give in and go to bed earlier just so they could have some intimacy. But not today.<br/>It was a playful, mocking, side blow, getting his energy levels up again. For work.<br/>“I intend to finish this anyway today.” Kaoru fluted, dimmed down his aversion against Toshiya’s childish behaviour. He wouldn’t give in now and leave this room and have Toshiya have it his way. It was a game and Kaoru didn’t want to play.<br/>“Well… I mean technically ‘today’ has only one more hour anyway.” Toshiya moaned. He was about to offer making and even BRINGING Kaoru a nice and hot cup of coffee, asking him on what he was working. He was okay with a bit small talk for a break, it wouldn’t hurt Kaoru to talk about it, it actually was a good way for some double check.<br/>“Then I shall finish this up.” Kaoru plainly said and turned his face to the two screens in front of him again, was finished with the discussion.</p><p> </p><p>Not even 20 minutes had passed as Kaoru heard footsteps coming back the hallway again. The studio room was intentionally the last room in their house, so no one would pass by all the time and there weren’t so many interruptions. Actually.<br/>“Toshiya, I know you don’t want to BUG me, but right now it’s really annoying and holding me up from finishing this faster!” Kaoru sighed heavily as he heard Toshiya coming up once more. Toshiya bit his lip and breathed out heavily: “You won’t finish this faster anyway! Well maybe yes, and then you’ll go over to the next task and the next and so on.”<br/>Kaoru put the pen on the desk, turned around on his chair and faced him with cold eyes.<br/>“What do you want.”<br/>You – surely not you right now if you are pissed by my sheer presence.<br/>Toshiya stared up to the ceiling, had hoped they could get this day done without any fight or stupid childishness. But Kaoru left them both no choice.<br/>“Spending time with my partner and getting his glued onto the screen face away and have him relax after a long day of work!” Toshiya sighed.<br/>He knew how to talk with Kaoru. By now, after being in a relationship for well over a decade he knew that Kaoru would get back on even the smallest bit. If he would have said he’d enjoy spending time with him – then Kaoru would have shot back, that he wouldn’t enjoy spending time with a rather pissed off version of him because he slept better with work done.</p><p>Softly Kaoru chuckled, nodded. Of course, there it was. The call out speech Toshiya had perfected over the years. And Kaoru wasn’t even mad because whenever Toshiya talked like this with him, he was aware that Kaoru wasn’t in the best mood. It meant a lot to him actually, that Toshiya could read him so easily and even act towards this, better than Kaoru himself. He’d get angry, overwork, mess up and get even angrier then instead of taking it down a notch.<br/>“One more entry for TheThe Day, then I’m all yours. It’s already written, I just wanna go over it and schedule it.” Kaoru tried to find a compromise.<br/>“Kiss my ass…” Toshiya snorted, but smiled sloppily as he finally got Kaoru for the better.<br/>“Mhhh might do this.” Kaoru hummed as he turned towards the screen again. Not taking it, and he didn’t need to concentrate for real anyway, Toshiya walked up to Kaoru, kissed his neck gently, massaged his tensed up shoulders.<br/>“As you decided to NOT get dessert with me…” Toshiya kneeled down and got between Kaoru’s legs, got an immediate response as he ran one hand between his thighs and rubbed over the sensitive flesh that was steadily hardening at the touch: “I’ll have to get dessert by myself.”<br/>Kaoru let out another low moan, slid forward in his chair and felt Toshiya opening the fly of his jeans and tug down his boxer pants. Freeing Kaoru’s erection while he tried to work was fun enough already. Playfully Toshiya gave him some pumps, knew that Kaoru’s jaw was working to not say things like ‘fuck this’ or ‘let’s fuck’.<br/>And Toshiya wouldn’t just let Kaoru fuck him here and there, even if the thought of getting bent over the desk and having Kaoru fuck him hard and then going back to work was extremely hot and making Toshiya regret this decision as he felt himself getting hard too. So, he’d better find something he had to concentrate on and leaped forward with his head, took in Kaoru’s erection.<br/>With his tongue he moved up and down first, pressed the hard flesh against the roof of his mouth before he started softly bobbing. A careful hand placed itself on Toshiya’s head to not make him bump accidently against the underside of the desk. This caused Toshiya to flick thankfully over the tip, take him all in to the base.<br/>“Those lips are a crime…” Kaoru groaned, leaned back in his chair to watch Toshiya’s lips working around his erection. The glance Toshiya gave him was just perfect and the blog entry, the fifth in advance anyway, was completely forgotten and Kaoru wanted nothing more than to leave this room and move towards the bed. Or even couch or bathroom, anywhere else where they had space was good.<br/>Grabbing a fistful hair, Kaoru pulled on Toshiya, closed his eyes to enjoy the touch. As much as he loved seeing Toshiya’s face and those lips, he needed to rest his eyes from working on the screen the whole day already. But just as he let go again of the hair and didn’t look, Toshiya retreated with a loud popping sound and got up again, wiped over his mouth with the back of his hand. He had felt Kaoru’s erection getting harder, his orgasm mounting already.<br/>“Why-“ Kaoru moaned, blinked his eyes in confusion.<br/>“Finish up with your work. It’s midnight soon and then I won’t be nice and forgiving and drag your sorry ass in bed if I have to!” Toshiya shot back with a sly grin and left Kaoru in more silence than he had gotten the whole day.<br/>“Jesus fucking CHRIST…!” another low grumble left Kaoru’s mouth, much tainted with displease and frustration. He better get that entry sorted in and then take care of his partner.</p><p> </p><p>Kaoru didn’t fully trust his eyes as he silently walked up to their bedroom and spotted Toshiya laying on the bed. It was not for the view, Toshiya laying on his stomach, face towards the window, the dimmed indirect light giving his silhouette a faint but very distinctive shadow and his skin a colourful touch. It was rather for what he was wearing, offering Kaoru a very nice view on that butt that he was about to smack a kiss on.<br/>With a gentle smile Kaoru walked up to the bed and did exactly what he had in mind, kiss that ass. Playfully he nibbled on the half exposed skin, shifted that lacey piece aside to run his tongue over Toshiya’s butt cheek.<br/>A low hum came over Toshiya’s lips as he felt his lover’s arrival rather than heard it. Contently he closed his eyes, felt Kaoru’s fingers walking up his bare spine, drawing little circles on his shoulders.<br/>“Hey…” Kaoru whispered and sat down next to Toshiya, pressed a shy kiss on his shoulder as he still got no real response. He knew he had pissed him off all day with avoiding any intimate exchange because he found it stupid to overload Toshiya with all this affection on that day. He did this on other days, when he knew Toshiya needed it and wanted it truly for it was Kaoru whom he wanted.<br/>Kaoru pursed his lips, then smiles sloppily and leaned forward on his elbow. A little plushie, just a little nothing – nothing, Kaoru really had to laugh and groan at the same time as he had requested this – popped up in front of Toshiya’s chest, the tattooed hand still holding it, waiting for the bassist to take it.<br/>“Sorry that I spent so much time in the studio today.” Kaoru murmured and let go of the little plush-Krim. He had felt more than stupid as he had requested the production manager to make such a thing. It had to be fluffy and stuffed of course, and only one piece, never up for mass production, and he needed it in a month. For Valentine’s Day, the production manager asked with arched eyebrows, and ‘for Valentine’s Day’ Kaoru had given back with gritted teeth, had pressed on having it ready at least a week before Valentine’s Day. In case it looked ugly and Kaoru felt too embarrassed and wanted to opt out of it and buy stupid chocolates and something corny and hackneyed.<br/>Slowly Toshiya took up the plush, let Kaoru retreat and then sighed: “Sometimes I just really… really want you? And not always have to fight for a little attention.”<br/>Breathing out heavily, Toshiya cuddled the little Krim and leaned forward, turned his head towards Kaoru to see him. Kaoru nodded and laid down next to him, still fully dressed while Toshiya was wearing barely anything and what he was wearing…! Kaoru had probably never seen such delicate lace and silk things. He didn’t even know how that thing was called Toshiya wore, a bodice? Something that was held together in the neck? With straps and pearls and whatnot. It was beautiful and Toshiya wearing it was beautiful.<br/>“I know. And you shall get me in a good mood.” Kaoru offered him a smile, knew that he could be a handful sometimes, especially when he had ideas that he wanted to realise right in that moment they came up in his mind. Neglecting his own sleep schedule and eating sandwiches for a week straight for every meal was one thing, neglecting the man he loved, was another thing. And for today, Kaoru found he had neglected Toshiya too much.<br/>“I’ll also take you in your bad mood.” Toshiya whispered and cupped Kaoru’s cheek, ran his hand down his jawline, let his fingers dance over his neck and down his chest. Unspoken, but never unvoiced. They knew they’d get old together, no matter if married or not. It was only a question of time when the government decided it wasn’t a crime anymore that two people, no matter their sex, could be together in a rightful way.</p><p>“You always lift my mood… especially…” Kaoru let his eyes wander over Toshiya’s body, drew a giggle from him: “especially when you’re wearing such things.”<br/>“I might even start to enjoy this day.” Kaoru snickered as he turned Toshiya to the side, kissed him.<br/>Pulling Toshiya closer, feeling his hot skin against his hands and chest made the fire from before roar up again. Promptly he felt Toshiya’s hand between his legs, stroking over his now again hard erection. But maybe, Kaoru wouldn’t be so selfish and make use of some nice things they had. If Toshiya would dress up like this, then Kaoru would pleasure him in different ways too.<br/>“Mhh… wait.” He hummed against the bassist lips before he would eat them off his face. Toshiya couldn’t hide his own erection and, as that lacy thing probably wasn’t made for men but rather women, his erection didn’t quite fit in anymore.<br/>“How about… where does this open?” Kaoru grinned, spoke soft and placed some kisses on Toshiya’s shoulder, got him out of it.<br/>Now, that was more to Kaoru’s liking. Nothing too fancy, just, just Toshiya and those rosy cheeks and those swollen lips he kissed again before he got up from the bed. Curiously Toshiya got on his elbows, laid his head back and watched Kaoru pulling out some things form the drawer and coming back to the bed again. Playfully, Toshiya couldn’t help himself, he let one foot run up between Kaoru’s legs, nudge against his bulge tentatively.<br/>“That will have to wait, for now I want to pleasure you.” Kaoru grinned and leaned forward, placed some kisses on Toshiya’s stomach and chest.</p><p>“Are you okay with these things?” Kaoru asked. Of course he asked, always did even if he knew that Toshiya was okay with them. He needed this kind of confirmation or else he wouldn’t touch Toshiya and the younger was more than grateful that Kaoru was like this, always asked for consent even if it was so clear and a moment like this.<br/>“Yeah.” Toshiya gasped for air as he felt Kaoru’s tongue running down his ribcage. It wasn’t much Kaoru had decided on, a vibrator, but more to fill him up while he’d suck him off and have his hands free. Of course it was a different feeling than curling his fingers, moving so individually, but Kaoru also didn’t want to overdo too fast and overstimulate Toshiya. That was a thing both could agree on saying ‘been there, done that’ and that was to no one’s liking. The other thing, what Kaoru once had commented on ‘leaving a fuzzy feeling’ was a cockring, for when he would in fact get active too and fuck him.<br/>But for starters… Kaoru took up the bottle of lube, slid down between Toshiya’s legs. Even if it was late, the next day was a Monday and they had mutually agreed, many many years ago, to never work on a Monday before 3pm. So, staying up longer and making Toshiya lose his mind was pretty much the goal for the night.</p><p>Slowly Kaoru ran his tongue over Toshiya’s erection, drew gasps from his mouth. Working his way further down and between, Kaoru smiled as he realised that Toshiya was well prepared already apparently. So he didn’t mind running his tongue further down, releasing wonderful moans and pleads from Toshiya’s mouth as he dipped in, gently squeezed his balls in addition. Replacing his tongue first with his fingers and then with the vibrator, Kaoru slowly stretched him, applied a few more drops lube on the sleek body of the vibrator. He wouldn’t get it started, for that Toshiya seemed too riled up already. Kaoru didn’t mind, not at all. As soon as Toshiya would use a blindfold on Kaoru and kiss his neck, he could come undone.<br/>As the sleek body thrusted in and out well, Kaoru adjusted his own position, bend one of Toshiya’s legs to provide some support as Kaoru wanted to cup one of those very squishable and perfectly hold-able butt cheeks. Toshiya was already panting heavily, shifting against the vibrator, tilting his hips downwards so he’d get some more friction.<br/>“Hey darling, what are you doing…?” Kaoru groaned, tilted the vibrator and got an immediate loud groan as response.<br/>“I want you to… fill me up.” Toshiya whispered, wasn’t sure what he wanted. Of course having Kaoru suck his cock was amazing, and also spilling himself down his throat while being filled up all the time, consistently, was amazing. But he also wanted to feel Kaoru’s body, to kiss him. God, he wanted Kaoru and had missed his body and his touches and kisses.<br/>“Mh, now? Or is for second round also okay?” Kaoru asked, wanted to make sure it was all to Toshiya’s liking. A soft smile showed up on Toshiya’s lips, then he let his head roll to the side, whispered that is was good now like this, as long as he got him at some point, he was fine with whatever Kaoru was about to do.<br/>Because he knew he could trust that Kaoru always would make sure it was pleasuring him in the best way possible, so he didn’t want to interrupt and rather get spoiled by whatever his lover had in mind.</p><p>Holding tight on the little Krim, Toshiya groaned loud, almost in a vulgar way as Kaoru took in his erection, fully, right from the start.<br/>“You can’t do this!” Toshiya gasped, panted for more air. He twisted his hips, pushed against Kaoru’s mouth to feel him more, even if ‘more’ wasn’t possible anymore. With every thrust Kaoru took him in fully, flicked his tongue over the tip, ran it down to the base. Hollowing out his cheeks only made it worse, caused more friction.<br/>“Watch me.” The rough voice was enough to draw all of his attention to Kaoru and those lips and that mouth where his erection disappeared into again. Kaoru closed his eyes knew that Toshiya would watch him now.<br/>Every move was responded until Toshiya was practically mouth-fucking Kaoru and he threw his head back into the mattress, groaned loudly that he’ll come any time soon. And anytime soon seemed just perfect for Kaoru, so he held him steady and took the lead once again, didn’t give Toshiya any option to do it at his pace.<br/>With another moan, a high pitched ‘Kaoru’ left Toshiya’s lips and he tensed up a last time, spilled himself in Kaoru’s mouth. Grabbing Krim, Toshiya pressed his face into the soft plush fabric, panted as if he was about to drown.<br/>Kaoru let out a displeased moan, swallowed and got up on his arms and watched Toshiya’s body shifting and rising from his pants: “Don’t hide that face of yours now!”<br/>Gently he shoved the plush aside, spotted a big grin on Toshiya’s lips.<br/>“That was heaven!” Toshiya could only gasp for more air, tried his best to still his breath but failed very much at it.<br/>Chuckling over this compliment, Kaoru sat back and carefully withdrew the vibrator, couldn’t help a last squeeze on those perfect butt cheeks.</p><p>After having washed and put back the vibrator, Kaoru went back to the bed but only to see that Toshiya hadn’t moved one millimetre. Smiling dumbly, Toshiya opened his arms for Kaoru, held him in a tight hug even though the guitarist was still well dressed.<br/>“I want you to fill me up.” Toshiya whispered against Kaoru’s lips, kissed him promptly.<br/>“You don’t have to ask twice.” With that said Kaoru got free and got out of his clothes, threw them carelessly on the floor. He’d pick them up later or tomorrow, they wouldn’t get legs and run away after all.<br/>Swiftly Kaoru pulled Toshiya on his knees, placed him in the middle of the bed so they had enough space around them. How good he looked like that, almost, almost did Kaoru forget about the little extra he wanted to give Toshiya.<br/>“Are you up for this or too much?” he asked and placed the cockring in front of Toshiya.<br/>“If you don’t mind me being absent for tomorrow’s rehearsal!” Toshiya huffed jokingly but then affirmed, said he’d probably need a bit more for a second round. As expected, that was the reason why Kaoru had decided on it.</p><p>A few pumps and some soft squeezes of those perfect butt cheeks of Toshiya’s and the bassist was hard again. Kaoru got the little but very handy toy on him, started it on a low setting. They could speed up any time. Toshiya moaned immediately as the first vibrations went through his erection, caused him to shudder. Goose bumps were covering his skin in a second and Kaoru waited for a moment, placed his hand in the small of Toshiya’s back.<br/>“Good or not?” he asked as he saw Toshiya wriggling and leaning forward, pressing his face into the mattress, butt all in the air now.<br/>“Fuck me so I can’t sit anymore!”<br/>Kaoru’s mouth fell open with a smug grin at the demand of his lover. It wasn’t uncommon between them to get rough sometimes and even more soft and gentle afterwards. The outlook for some very cosy after sex cuddling was promising enough for Kaoru to let his fingers dance over Toshiya’s butt cheek before he lifted his hand and let it slap down on the exposed skin with a loud clap.<br/>A loud gasp, then: “Again.”<br/>Kaoru weighed, if he should get on the same side again, ran his thumb over the reddening skin. Then, he lifted his hand again, slapped a bit harder on the same exact spot.<br/>“Again!” Kaoru’s erection pushed against Toshiya’s thigh at the way he stated his demands.<br/>Toshiya knew Kaoru wouldn’t hurt him in that way, knew he could trust him to not go too far. But he didn’t trust him as he felt the absence of the warm hand and then only felt a little pat. Expecting another slap, Toshiya gasped, panted and then pushed his butt back, had been awaiting another hard slap that didn’t follow.<br/>Yet, Kaoru grinned, struck another blow and immediately the next one. Toshiya wriggled in front of him, retreated and came back, swayed his hips at the feeling of being completely under Kaoru’s control. The mixture of pain and pleasure was just perfect and as he demanded a last strike, precum already dripping from the tip of his erection, Kaoru decided against it and instead moved forward, filled Toshiya up. From tip to base he thrusted in, retreated and thrusted in again, heard the most obscene curse words spilling out of Toshiya’s mouth without any feeling of shame.<br/>It had taken them long enough to stop the childish shame and hiding game, not speaking up about their desired and needs and ever since a very awkward talk, where Toshiya pretty much admitted that he loved to be dominated by Kaoru and Kaoru pretty much admitted that he liked to give blowjobs and was fond of cuddling after sex, their intimate moments propelled up on a very different level.<br/>“Fuck.. you’re so good, so god damn good Kaoru!” Toshiya whined. He pushed himself against Kaoru’s hips, let his head hide between his arms so Kaoru could grind deep and hard with every thrust. Even if the guitarist didn’t need to hear those words, it was a pleasing pet of his ego and sometimes, he liked hearing those things.</p><p>If Kaoru didn’t already do him well, holding him in place with a very tight grip around his hips, then the cockring was doing pretty much the rest to make Toshiya lose his mind. Toshiya didn’t know anymore if he should respond to the hard thrusts or sink into the mattress to get even more friction on his erection and it made a storm growing in his stomach that was about to burst any time.<br/>“Can you touch me?” Toshiya bit his lips, knew that he was demanding a lot already for a man that got fucked really good and had his erection taken care of. With a curious hum Kaoru’s hand slid forward, thumb stopping at the base of Toshiya’s cock, pressing the ring in place. His fingers, even if he always was insecure about having rather small hands and short fingers, wrapped around and squeezed Toshiya’s balls.<br/>“You want a more intense setting or off?” Kaoru leaned forward, pressed a kiss on Toshiya’s shoulder blade. He shook his head, more wiped his sweaty forehead and temples on the bedlinen before he whispered that he just wanted to feel Kaoru’s hand around him when he’d come. Kaoru smiled softly at that wish, whispered: “Anything you want.”<br/>Retreating his fingers, Kaoru wrapped them around Toshiya’s erection, felt the vibration of the ring on his palm. Tingly, but he knew how good it felt in that place.<br/>Taking on the harsh pace again, Kaoru sped up, ground deep with every thrust, knowing he’d come soon enough. Feeling Toshiya’s erection in his hand was an add, he hadn’t expected to give him some extra push but then again, feeling Toshiya some more in ANY way was always bringing Kaoru closer to his orgasm.<br/>Bowing forward again, Kaoru let his forehead come to a rest on Toshiya’s back, kissed over the sweaty skin. Toshiya flinched back first at the so hot touch, hadn’t expected Kaoru to come even closer. But it felt good, too good, and it was exactly what drove him over the edge. Toshiya’s back arched up against Kaoru, bumped against his chest and then he collapsed forward, buried Kaoru’s hand with him while he spilled himself into the warm hand, the ring softly buzzing some more until Kaoru fumbled a bit and turned it off to not overstimulate Toshiya and risk making this wonderful moment painful.<br/>As always, when the tight muscles started to contract, relax and contract again around Kaoru’s erection, it was like a trigger, the feeling of being close to orgasm ten folded. The moans and sighs coming from the man underneath him, didn’t make it any better and it didn’t need much further ado for Kaoru. With loud pants, breathing heavily and holding tight on Toshiya’s shoulder, Kaoru came too, rode out his orgasm with a bit more care, watching his still hard erection diving into Toshiya a last few times.</p><p>Kaoru’s hot breath against his cheek was all Toshiya needed to feel safe and relax as Kaoru pulled out and rolled onto the mattress. With a warm hand he cupped Toshiya’s cheek, tucked some hair out of his face that was sticking to his sweaty skin. A last low moan fled Toshiya’s lips when Kaoru got the ring off again, placed it behind his back so he could slide closer and wrap his arm around Toshiya’s body.<br/>Sighing blissfully, Toshiya nudged his nose against Kaoru’s cheek, closed his eyes and relaxed even more to the tender touches. He could have fallen asleep like this, completely unbothered by all the mess.<br/>“Hm, was Valentine’s Day so bad now?” he mocked, felt Kaoru’s cheeks moving from grinning. Automatically, without even checking on him, Toshiya smiled too, heard Kaoru whispered that there were no bad days when he was with him.<br/>“Oh you old romantic!” Toshiya groaned but quickly pressed a kiss on Kaoru’s lips to not give him an option to object.<br/>“Says the guy who puts heart-shaped chocolate pralines on handmade mousse au chocolate!” Kaoru snickered, poked softly in Toshiya’s sides. Maybe Kaoru would really start enjoying this day, because with Toshiya it was very enjoyable.</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. *cheesy & corny (Die/Toshiya)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>As the only two singles of the band, for Die and Toshiya ‘Valentine’s Day’ has always been a hot topic. From not really wanting to make the other three happily taken ones suffer at the studio from both their tempers to not wanting to be alone, they finally agree on spending that day together. Just the two of them. Just two colleagues hanging out together. Just casually getting drunk and not doing anything stupid.</p><p>Or: two dudes chillin 5feet apart cause they’re not gay</p><p> </p><p>Like the fool I am I post this without hesitation right after finishing the last sentence and shove it down your throats. What is moderation when it comes to our diva Die? (◠﹏◠)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was Shinya’s idea, they had agreed on after disagreeing for the past three weeks already. If they would have said, it had been Kyo’s idea, then for sure they would have noped out of this faster than Toshiya jumped out of any crazy amusement park rides. Anything, including the words ‘Valentine’s Day’ and ‘together’ coming from Kyo was seen as affront and direct mocking. Kyo was lucky, that he was in a relationship with someone with very very very strong nerves.<br/>
Because, when Shinya had proposed for them to spend that day together if they wanted to stick around each other when they had actually a few days off, then they could do so in private anyway. Then, of course, Kyo mocked them, threw in some stupid jokes about how they couldn’t live without seeing each other each and every day and if one or two days off would hurt them so much. What lead very much to Kaoru silencing Kyo, fluting that he was not to talk and Kaoru also couldn’t take a day off from him, even when Kyo was with his bandmates from sukekiyo. And then, it was Shinya again, who shrugged his shoulders and noted that there was nothing wrong in meeting up, as they actually did see each other every day and days off were rather uncommon, so he understood.<br/>
‘As FRIENDS’ – of course Kyo had to throw in a last suspicious comment, earned another scolding glance from a person with very very very strong nerves.</p><p>So, Toshiya had set his mind, meeting Die just casually as friend, as on any other day. Valentine’s Day had no meaning anyway if there was no romantic relationship and they weren’t in any way in some sorta relationship, so nothing weird, meeting his bandmate?<br/>
But then again, Toshiya couldn’t help but indulge a bit into buying some more fancy things for their planned lunch because if they already had plenty time on their hands, why not give in and enjoy their day off. They wanted to cook lunch together and then go to the cinema to watch a remake of an old movie both hadn’t seen yet. Die had chosen the movie and organized the cards already in advance as they both feared the cinema would be booked out as movie-dates were quite common and they didn’t want to deal with changing plans spontaneously and then end up doing weird stuff couples would do!</p><p> </p><p>Die was already eagerly waiting for Toshiya to show up, feared that he would nope out of this in last minute. Because it also was a bit stupid, right? Seeing each other anyway all the time and usually complaining about never having fucking free time off each other but then also whining when they were alone on Valentine’s Day and basically demanding from their bandmates to find any cheap excuse for them to meet up.<br/>
Alone, all by themselves, they would have never had the guts to propose this. For this, Die was too shy and Toshiya too innocent and also a little too stupid and a little too afraid Die would interpret some weird move the bassist would make towards him.<br/>
Not, that they wouldn’t have tried, seeing how far they could go, when the first one of them would break and retreat again. But that had been some stupid childish game when they had started out and they all tried some things and found out a lot of things about themselves. Only Kaoru was granted the big gay awakening in his late 30ies when he had already settled with the idea of growing mold as bandleader and nothing more. Now, he was full time babysitter for Kyo.</p><p>As the doorbell rang Die jumped up, had to still his breath while he walked up to the door and greet Toshiya. He held up two bags and offered Die a shy smile with pursed lips, entered a bit slowly.<br/>
“It’s good to see you!” Die stammered, then stared at the floor – why did he just say this? Toshiya hummed in confusion, handed Die the bags to get out of his shoes and coat he wore.<br/>
“Ah, sorry for being late!” Toshiya panted, got into the already prepared house shoes, then looked up to Die again and added: “I didn’t want to… um make it seem as if I’d stood up on you?!”<br/>
Die’s eyes widened, as that was exactly what he had thought. That Toshiya would sit at home all comfortable and thought this was just a joke and then mock Die until the day he’d DIE that he believed they would hang out, as dudes, bandmates, colleagues, on Valentine’s Day.<br/>
But Toshiya very much was late because he bantered so long with the idea of standing in front of Die’s door, closed, all empty, because Die had been the one joking and not thinking that Toshiya would show up for real.<br/>
Die snorted and waved it off, walked to the kitchen and then casually said: “I was rather worried something happened on the way here. It’s snowing a bit.”</p><p>Peeking in, Die pursed his lips at what Toshiya had bought. Half the stuff in the first bag he couldn’t even make out. It were some vegetables, roots – spices? Like ginger or curcuma? – other tuber, some pickled and marinated stuff in little glasses.<br/>
“You were worried?!” Toshiya arched an eyebrow, started putting out the things from the bag that had already undergone Die’s cautious inspection. He never was worried? At least, he never said it like that. They all drove to the studio every day, nothing out of the normal just because Toshiya drove to Die’s house instead of the studio building.<br/>
“Well uh…” Die whispered, held some purple root vegetable in his hand, looked from that thing to Toshiya, then back at the purple vegetable: “Are you sure this is edible actually?”<br/>
“It’s purple yam! It’s very good. I wanna put them on a tray along with some bell pepper and sweet potato and put in the oven!” Toshiya explained, started to sort through all ingredients and shift them in little groups for each dish he had planned.</p><p>He wanted to make yakitori and renkon chips for starters. The lotus root he had gotten today at the market was about perfect so that was rather spontaneous but he knew that Die liked chicken and also spicy things, so that was an easy start. Then, a bit tricky but Toshiya found it funny enough to come up with it.<br/>
“Is that a CRAB!” Die gasped and looked over to Toshiya, who already giggled as he got the vegetables for a nabe out. That would be the first thing to set up. A good hot pot had to sizzle for some time!<br/>
“Winter crab, fresh from the market!” Toshiya grinned and asked for a large pot to start cooking. He had some more things planned of course but with the crab he for sure surprised Die.<br/>
“I wanna make a kind of – retouch? On the classic Surf n Turf.” And with that said he opened a wrapping and revealed a fine piece of kobe beef.<br/>
“Oh my god Toshiya!” Die panted and his lips parted, unable to form any more words.<br/>
“What? My treat, so…!” casually shrugging his shoulder Toshiya turned around and got going, tried to find all things in Die’s kitchen. He had been here already a couple times, so it was not completely new and apparently Die needed some more minutes to compose himself again.<br/>
“Are you trying to make up for all missed dates with pretty girls that could have easily been your girlfriends?!” Die shot back with a joking tone as he stepped up to the bassist now to help him. If he already presented such exclusive foods and was about to lift Die’s standards for anyone following, into the sky, then he could also lend a helping hand. And so, Toshiya explained his plans, had already put everything in groups and Die offered, apart from taking over the steak and frying of the lotus root, because he could handle that better than Toshiya, some wine to calm both their nerves. Because they very much needed something to calm down as much as they tried to refrain from thinking about this day being Valentine’s Day and both men apparently having some strange ideas in mind. Though, Die’s was about to be revealed later that day and he couldn’t help but give himself a mental high-five.</p><p> </p><p>It was almost as during rehearsal, not much talking, soft background music Toshiya was allowed to choose, precise working and good timing. As stupid as it was, but Toshiya had insisted on it, they prepared each other’s plates with a lot of little add-ons like natto, fresh spring onion or lemon slices. Hell, Toshiya even got some caviar to go along with a boiled egg for a starter!<br/>
“Okay – but sweets and drinks at the cinema are my treat then!” Die huffed out as Toshiya put the last plate in front of Die and the guitarist couldn’t hold back biting his lips and snapping another picture. Toshiya really made a good cook and took so much care with the decoration that Die almost felt bad destroying his work by actually eating it.<br/>
“Winter crab… you really got me there!” Die sighed and grinned then as he shot Toshiya a glance who seemed very occupied by his own plate already. Of course, Toshiya had helped him peel the crab, because that was exactly what he wanted to do today and why he had lost some night sleep on coming up with some dishes. He knew that Die wasn’t too fond of seafood so turning it into a remake of the very famous Surf n Turf seemed like a good option both would enjoy and it seemed quite fitting for the movie they were about to watch.</p><p>And they had done – both men were well finished with the first bottle red wine and some white sparkling wine Die had prepared. They laughed about some old memories from the time back, when they went on tours through Japan and Die would refuse to eat crab until Toshiya made him spill, that he just wasn’t able to peel it.</p><p>As Die started to clean up the kitchen Toshiya couldn’t help himself but inspect Die’s new training equipment. So far, Toshiya had always gone to the nearest gym as he lived in a rather small and cramped apartment. He didn’t want to move again after he had to move out some years ago from his old flat because it needed renovation work and he also didn’t want to clean up so much space, so hitting the gym seemed fine for him. Now, seeing the nice view from Die’s gym room, Toshiya had a short fit of jealousy. The neighbour’s garden seemed so inviting and well groomed, the room was warm and bright and oh – was that a cat?<br/>
Silently, checking if Die wouldn’t hear him if he was wrong, Toshiya did ‘pspsps’ and there around the corner from the hallway a little furball looked at Toshiya, tilted its head curiously.<br/>
“Hi!” Toshiya whispered and kneeled down. The cat came up immediately and demanded pets and Toshiya was not to object. The cat was even okay with being lifted up and carried back to the kitchen where Die had taken care of most of the chaos.<br/>
“Ah look who’s made it out of the laundry basket!” Die fluted sarcastically and walked up to Toshiya and his cat, petted her ears and put a quick kiss on her head.<br/>
“That’s Luna. If you’re lucky then you can hold her for the next couple hours!” Die groaned, recalled some evenings where he slept on the couch for the sake of having her on his lap for once.<br/>
“Uh, when does the movie actually start? We should call a taxi, none of us is in the state for driving anymore?” Toshiya giggled. He had already taken the bus to Die’s house, giving himself the option to get drunk or at least enjoy a bit alcohol without then coming up with the GREAT idea of driving home. Then, he would really worry Die, and the others too. Maybe not Kaoru, he would rather anger him because he was acting irresponsible.<br/>
“Eh, it’s starting at six, so plenty time until then!” Die waved off. Then, realizing, that plenty time was kind of… weird: “Do you wanna play the new Cyberpunk?”</p><p> </p><p>Lucky for both men, as the two cans of beer had done them good, Toshiya had set an alarm for five to call a taxi and get going. They wanted to get some snacks before the movie would start and Die would probably run to the toilet another three times until then.<br/>
Giggling like littles girls they had said their good byes to Luna, locked the door and swayed to the taxi. Toshiya made sure that Die was all well seated and buckled up while he fidgeted around with the seatbelt himself too. Die couldn’t help but grinning, reminding Toshiya to remind him of going to the toilet a last time before the movie would start.<br/>
“But whyyyy? What is so important! You can’t possibly have anything in there to piss out anymore!” Toshiya snorted, didn’t understand until Die opened his jacket and revealed two cans of beer.<br/>
“Gonna fill them in the cup!” Die giggled lowly, spied to the taxi driver who didn’t even care to listen. Toshiya snorted again, slapped his hand against Die’s shoulder: “You can’t do that! We’re gonna be so done!”<br/>
“That’s the plan?!” Die snickered. They would somehow get back again, the taxi drivers weren’t drunk after all.</p><p> </p><p>The cinema was fully crowded already but as Die had gotten their tickets they were fast to move forward to the entry and queued up to get some snacks. After all, drinking so much and not eating enough would get them drunk too fast and give them too much of a headache by tomorrow.<br/>
“My treat I said! Pick whatever you want!” Die fluted as it was their turn. Swaying again, Die held onto the counter with one hand, got support from Toshiya’s hand on his back additionally. Partly also, because Toshiya himself needed something to hold onto and Die standing so close seemed about right to hold onto. His cheeks must have been red from all the alcohol they had drunken so far!<br/>
“Oh, the nacho box please!” Toshiya nodded, got quickly asked if he wanted guacamole, salsa or cheese sauce as topping.<br/>
“Salsa please.” He nodded again, sighed happily as he had managed this without coming off super drunk but then the swaying came back again and Die turned around to Toshiya, frowned: “No, you gotta take cheese!”<br/>
The staff looked to Toshiya before clicking in the order.<br/>
“Salsa.” Toshiya smiled again and “Cheese.” Die interrupted again.<br/>
“But why? I like salsa?” – “But I like cheese and I wanna steal one and dip it in cheese!” – “Why don’t you get yourself nachos with cheese then?” – “Heck no!”<br/>
Die burst in giggled and waved his hand in front of his face. Toshiya saw himself defeated because having any discussion with a drunk Die was no good idea. So he nodded again, that he wanted cheese.<br/>
“And mind, what do you want to order?” Toshiya mocked, looked at the other options.<br/>
“For me, popcorn please!” Die smiled, so soft and gentle as if he had never in his life touched alcohol and was as innocent as an angel. Toshiya’s eyes narrowed to little slits, watched Die order drinks too and pay.<br/>
“I don’t like popcorn! I can’t steal something back!” Toshiya whined a little as they walked up to the staircase to get to the right hall where their movie would begin in less ten minutes.<br/>
“Oh we’ll find something worth stealing from me!” Die grinned and patted on his chest, excused himself to the bathroom.</p><p> </p><p>“Really dude!” Toshiya hissed as he tried to sit down next to Die. That Die would book out the WHOLE last row was odd already – he wanted some peace of mind and not stick to close with other people and it wasn’t that expensive – but now he sat down as if…<br/>
“What?” Die shot back, grabbed some popcorn and munched on them.<br/>
“Keep your legs together! You’re manspreading!” Toshiya squealed and gestured towards Die’s position. As matter of fact he really did sit with his knees having a rather questionable large distance between them.<br/>
“I am a what!” Die asked back again, made heads from the row in front of them turn. Quickly he pursed his lips, watched Toshiya crossing his legs fine and nice lady-like.<br/>
“You’re sitting as if you’re carrying the balls of all five of us between your legs!” – “I am NOT. Take that back!”<br/>
Tentative a nacho with some cheese dipping popped up in front of Die’s face. Grinning smug over this victory to have Die shut up and slide his legs a bit closer together, Toshiya thought that Die would take the nacho and stop making so much ruckus. But oh, the victory was but a short win. Die leaped forward and took the snack with his teeth directly from Toshiya’s finger, leaned back as he munched on it.<br/>
“Dude!” Toshiya huffed, held his hand lifted. Should he now… like, lick over his fingers as crumbs were sticking on it?<br/>
“Relax!” Die snickered lowly, patted Toshiya’s thigh and then let his arm rest comfortable on the one arm rest between them. Manspreading even with his hands, Toshiya thought but didn’t say out loud as Die offered him the cup with the beer refilled instead of sparkling water.<br/>
“That’s definitely worth ending up in jail!” Toshiya whispered with a grin, got a smile back from Die that was brighter as the lights before everything went dark.</p><p> </p><p>The movie they had decided on was a remake of an older action movie, so no new plot but some nice little features and of course new actors and actresses. Soon enough the cup with the beer was empty, Die had stolen some more nachos and then offered Toshiya to try popcorn with the cheese sauce. It was for the least liked choices that made the best combo for Toshiya as he would usually never order popcorn nor cheese sauce.<br/>
And so, after the first half of the movie, Toshiya excused himself to the toilet, hadn’t really missed something as he came back, nevertheless asked if he had missed something.</p><p>Apparently, he had very much missed, that Die was wearing some faint perfume. Fruity, not really what he was expecting to smell in a cinema. Leaning closer a bit, Die whispered that the gang had arrived and met up with one of their henchmen and they had parted already.<br/>
“Ah, now they’re gonna kill him, right?” Toshiya asked and promptly someone from the row in front of them turned around, shot them an angry glance. Toshiya excused himself, snickered then as he heard Die holding back giggling too.<br/>
“Shhhh! Don’t!” Toshiya whispered, patted on Die’s knee to make him shut up before someone would ask them to leave.<br/>
“Ts, nah, I can’t look at this! This is much too scary.” Die flinched then, turned his head to Toshiya, leaned a bit closer. Patting Die’s knee and back now, Toshiya shushed him up, said he’d let him know when that scene was over. After a few more breaths, Toshiya taking in that scent from Die’s hair, Die relaxed into Toshiya’s faint embrace, peeked a bit. The scene was over already, though Toshiya’s arm stayed around Die’s shoulder and he didn’t really mind, felt cosy and safe.</p><p>Some more minutes passed until Die faintly whispered if the scene was over, turned his head a bit onto Toshiya’s affirmative hum. Resting against his chest, Die found this was comfortable, so he stayed, and Toshiya’s arm also stayed.<br/>
It didn’t take Die much longer, getting lulled from the body warmth Toshiya was emitting and the soothing little rubs on his shoulder and upper arms, that Die yawned and nuzzled his face some more against Toshiya.<br/>
And finally, it clicked. Toshiya tensed up for a moment, held his breath as he realized how comfortable they had gotten here. Then again, it WAS comfortable and he didn’t really mind. It felt good, holding Die like this and it wasn’t the first time that they were physically closer. Though, this time it was both their mutual decision and not a matter of too little space at the venues and places they stayed over night during touring.<br/>
“Ya tired?” Toshiya asked as he found Die yawning again, shifting his legs up on the seat next to them. Good thing, they had the whole row only for them. Die murmured, turned around again and then sank down, laid his head on Toshiya’s lap and closed his eyes. This was by far more comfortable than having to sit!<br/>
“Wait, Die, are you… are you gonna throw up!” Toshiya gasped for air as he only saw the blond hair on his lap, Die completely sinking down. With a frown Die turned his head towards Toshiya’s stomach, got his legs now up on the seat. Again someone from the front rows turned around, this time no angry but rather cautious glance was addressed at Toshiya.</p><p>“All good… just tired.” Die mumbled, nuzzled his face on Toshiya’s lap and shoved the armrest up so he had more space.<br/>
The warmth from before was now missing, so he boldly took Toshiya’s hand and placed it on his shoulder again. With a bit of a delay Toshiya stretched his fingers and ran them over Die’s shoulder, tucked some hair strands out of his face. Almost gently, Die could have gotten used to this, Toshiya caressed him until his other hand found its place on the back of Die’s head, supporting him in case he’d fall asleep.<br/>
Just as Die drifted off for a second, he gasped for air and felt Toshiya’s secure grip on his head. He got up a bit more, slid further up on Toshiya’s lap and nudged his face against the fabric, against those warm thighs.<br/>
“Dude! What are you doing!” Toshiya whispered fearfully, slid back in the seat to bring some distance between Die’s face and his crotch because Die was exactly laying there! In vain though, there was no more space left to back off any further.<br/>
“What? You are comfortable!”  Die squealed with a raspy voice. The alcohol and the tiredness did good on him but also on Toshiya who felt a bit of uncomfortable heat between his legs. Usually this was very comfortable, but not if it was for his work colleague whom he would have to face tomorrow again and for some many more years together in a professional setting.<br/>
“You can’t do this!” Toshiya appealed on Die’s senses, wriggled some more in the seat. Still, he made sure that Die wasn’t slipping off, didn’t want to hurt him, but he also couldn’t –<br/>
“Why not!” a low giggling followed, then another nudge against Toshiya’s thighs, Die’s nose pressing against a growing erection that Toshiya wasn’t really fond of getting right now. Dragging his name lowly, Toshiya bantered with his options. This was the furthest they had ever gone in that sense and if Die had booked the whole row only for them, then the lunch they had was very much equal. Of course Toshiya didn’t want to offer Die anything less than he deserved, and in Toshiya’s eyes Die did deserve a lot and hadn’t been treated properly in past relationships.</p><p>“What is it?” Die whispered, snickered some more as he placed one hand on Toshiya’s arm, ran up to his shoulder. As if he wanted to pull him down and –<br/>
Instead of stating the obvious, Toshiya pretty much replied in the same manner as Die was working him up, pushing his hips forward, pressing the bulge against Die’s face. A silent and very hot ‘oooh’ left Die’s mouth. Before he would say anything, he grinned, held his eyes still closed and then scratched over the jeans with his teeth to feel how much he had turned Toshiya on already with innocently laying there. Promptly Toshiya squeezed Die’s shoulder, pushed his head forward. Another scratch with his teeth, the hand ran down Toshiya’s chest, stopped at the waistband of his skinny jeans.<br/>
“You’re not serious…!” Toshiya whined silently as he felt sneaky fingers running along the waistband, as if Die was awaiting to be allowed to go further. Snorting softly, Die got in a bit more upright position, then shot Toshiya a dark glance: “No, not really.”<br/>
With that said the first button was opened and the zipper slid down along with Die’s head as soon as Toshiya’s erection was out of the clothing.</p><p>“You can’t do this here!” Toshiya fought back but found himself shifting against Die’s mouth. He felt much too good and Toshiya was much too drunk already to stop them both from doing this.<br/>
Die took him in slowly, started bobbing with a good pace right from the start, let no counter or objection stop him now. Even if Toshiya would say no, everything about him screamed yes. The way he starting rocking his hips rhythmically, how he held Die, one hand on the top of his head, the other on his shoulder or side to make sure he wouldn’t fall down. All day already Die had such a feeling and it wasn’t only that they had been sitting so close while playing games a bit before hitting the movies.<br/>
So, he sped up, took him in fully, sucked with more force and drew suppressed moans from Toshiya’s lips. They had to keep quiet of course but that even made it worse, giving it some kind of extra thrill. Die had never done anything in public and Toshiya? Not even holding hands in public!</p><p>“Please, Die!” Toshiya begged. By now he wasn’t even sure if he could really come or not from that thrill, but he wanted Die, to feel him fully and do this properly.<br/>
“Let’s go…” on that Die stopped the sucking and Toshiya almost whimpered, wanted to complain.<br/>
“After I finish this.” Die groaned and was fast to go down again, bite the exposed flesh, suck hard on it and then softer again. It drove Toshiya mad, so mad that he closed his eyes and imagined fucking Die, holding him and bending him over, kissing him, those wonderful lips he now felt around his erection.<br/>
A burning heat wave rolled over Toshiya’s body at the thought of doing this later. He wanted to moan, to let Die know that he was doing absolutely perfect there with his tongue and lips. Toshiya had to hold back any loud words, bit his lips and took a sharp breath as another heat wave came crashing over him. He’d come soon, unexpectedly soon for how drunk he was.<br/>
“Are you okay with… “ Toshiya watched his voice, didn’t want anyone to turn around NOW.<br/>
“Some drinks?” he panted, hoped Die understood. The affirmative hum Die gave off vibrated through Toshiya’s erection and through his whole body, made him sink further into the seat to give up his last piece of control and self-restraint.<br/>
“That’s so not appropriate.” Toshiya whispered and bit his lips, was only two or three more thrusts away from coming.<br/>
Die wasn’t stupid, felt the change, heard the gasps coming faster and flat, felt the trembling of Toshiya’s legs. Quickly, before that moment would be over, Die placed Toshiya’s hand on the top of his head, sucked hard and unrelenting until he felt the fingers fisting in his hair and something warm filled his whole mouth.</p><p>Toshiya’s hand pressed Die’s head down for some seconds until he could catch some breath. Then, as the fingers ran gently over Die’s cheek, he swallowed around Toshiya’s still half hard erection, took him in fully a last time to lick off any remnants. Getting up a bit, Die grinned smug, wiped over the corner of his mouth with his thumb to lick off the last drop that had leaked. Content with his doing, Die slid the boxer pants up again, felt Toshiya’s hand cupping his cheek and pulling him upwards.<br/>
“Thank you.” Toshiya’s breath stuttered against Die’s lip as he pulled him closer and then kissed him. Because that was, what he actually wanted to do for some time already. Very actually, for some years if not ever since he first saw that black-haired mess of a guitarist in those stupidly colourful cardigans and jeans. He looked more like some hippie than a rock guitarist and now… he looked more like –<br/>
Toshiya was at loss for words, for how good Die looked. Even in his freetime, his casual style was elegant, had a feminine touch. Seeing him so close now, the large cinema screen the only source of light behind his silhouette, there was still something so remarkably strong and confident in Die.<br/>
“You’re beautiful…” Toshiya whispered as he pressed Die closer, kissed those soft lips again. On that comment though, Die had to retreat and snort silently. He hid himself behind one hand, felt like blushing: “You’re just saying this now because I sucked your dick.”<br/>
Toshiya snickered silently, a bit truth was in that statement too. Quickly he closed his jeans, then let his hands run up Die’s arms and push that hand away to see that hidden smile again.<br/>
“You deep throated! I am allowed to compliment you now after this!” Toshiya arched his eyebrows to enforce his statement, made Die giggle and lean in for another kiss.<br/>
“My skills exceed those of playing guitar.” He taunted, tilted his head to nibble on Toshiya’s ear, make it understandable that he was up for more and not in any way opposed to letting that evening end somewhere else, more comfortable than the cinema.<br/>
“I think the only thing appropriate to deep throat on public is a sword!” sighing to the touch, the faint nibbling and sucking on his neck, Toshiya closed his eyes, hoped the movie would end soon enough. But –<br/>
“Then, how about we move somewhere non-public?” Die grinned before he let his tongue run over Toshiya’s lips, retreated much too fast for Toshiya’s liking. With a last so wicked grin Die grabbed for his jacket and wiggled his eyebrows to have Toshiya understand that they were leaving. Now.</p><p> </p><p>Drinking while sitting had two effects. The first, it was comfortable and you could get drunk and get closer with each other. The second though, you would get drunk, so drunk that you’d not feel how much you actually HAD downed until you were to get up and all the alcohol hit at once.<br/>
Holding onto each other, they somehow made it down the staircase and called a taxi to go back to Die’s place. Die had only snorted, that Toshiya wouldn’t have cleaned up probably and was now proposing Die’s place. That, and that Die was more likely to have things like lube and condoms at his place than Toshiya.<br/>
“And I prefer waking up in MY sheets!” Die snickered as they got into the taxi and finally could sit again. Though, Toshiya had absolutely no problem with holding Die’s swaying body close, squeezing this so cute little butt when he led him into the backseat of the taxi.<br/>
“Right now I prefer waking up next to you…” Toshiya murmured next to Die’s ear, nibbled gently on the lobe. Trailing down with his lips, he left some tender kisses on Die’s neck. One hand slid over Die’s thigh, squeezed first, the long fingers cleft their way up to Die’s middle. Now he didn’t very much sit like before, squished Toshiya’s hand between his legs to hold him back form retreating. But sadly, also didn’t enable him to go further upwards.<br/>
“No?” Toshiya murmured, tried retreating but also that didn’t work. What did Die really want now?<br/>
“Yeah!” Die sighed, shifted his hips as much forwards as the seatbelt allowed. Slowly his legs parted again and he sighed once more as he felt Toshiya’s hand wandering upwards, stroking over his bulge.<br/>
Going back with his lips up to Die’s lips now too, was exactly what Die wanted, needed. Fiercely he cupped Toshiya’s cheeks, opened his mouth to let an intrusive tongue dip in. Toshiya couldn’t help but smile, squeeze Die’s erection along with running his tongue over the guitarist’s tongue. Bliss, and Die could have pretty much come like that, in that taxi, fully clothed, still tasting Toshiya in his mouth.<br/>
“I need you….” Die whimpered, pressed his legs close again so Toshiya couldn’t retreat his hand.<br/>
“We’re here anyway. You can have me in a minute.” Toshiya muttered, had heard the faint clearing of a throat from their taxi driver. Awkwardly Die snorted, and bit his lip, retreated and looked out of the window. Yeah, that looked pretty much like the street he lived.</p><p>Toshiya was fast to pay and shush Die up. He giggled too much, was probably too drunk to pay the right amount so Toshiya tried to make sure they at least made it into the house. That though, was a pretty tough task. Die swayed, kept tugging on Toshiya’s coat and the waistband of his jeans. But now, he was a bit too plastered already to get that button open and Toshiya was a bit thankful in that moment. What would Die’s neighbours think if they saw him like that!<br/>
Then again, they probably had seen him worse already.<br/>
“Where’s your keys?” Toshiya grabbed for Die’s pockets of his jacket, got only chuckling as response: “You’ll find the answer IN my trousers!”<br/>
Die sighed, leaned against Toshiya’s chest as he stood behind him to check on the left pocket. Faint clinking of the keychain revealed the whereabouts of Die’s housekeys and with some more swaying and laughing and scattered kisses on cheeks and lips they finally made it in.</p><p>Without wasting any more time Die threw his arms around Toshiya’s neck, kissed him passionately, pressed his chest against Toshiya’s body as if he was holding on him like a drowning man.<br/>
“Shoes!” Toshiya managed somewhere between kissing and getting out of their coat and jacket, pulling Die’s scarf off his throat without strangling him. The shoes got kicked off, Toshiya’s shirt came out of the jeans, was thrown on the floor promptly as they made their way to the bedroom. Not even turning on any lights, scattering Die’s cardigan and blouse on the floor they finally managed to make it to the bed. Toshiya put Die’s heavily instable body on the mattress and promptly his head crashed forward against Toshiya’s stomach, lips trailing along the trained skin while he nested around with the button and fly of his jeans once again this evening. Toshiya lifted his hands, tucked the long blond strands out of Die’s face before he leaned forward, kissed him harsh and pushed him back into mattress. Quickly he got out of his jeans and got rid of the socks too and leaped forward again, watched Die’s chest rising heavily.<br/>
Just perfect – Toshiya couldn’t have imagined that one person, so very real and so very human, could look so damn good. A loud groan vibrated through Toshiya’s body, escaped his mouth as he used his lips to kiss Die’s legs that were still concealed by some elegant trousers.<br/>
“How are so you god damn attractive…” Toshiya gasped for air, slowly opened the trousers and slid them down Die’s legs, revealed centimetre after centimetre of skin that looked like silk with the faint moonlight that fell into the room.<br/>
Hot, Toshiya’s body was almost burning Die as he leaned over him, kissed his chest, flicked his tongue over a now exposed nipple. Trailing further up with his tongue, Toshiya drew silent sighs and moans from Die’s lips before he kissed him again and again.</p><p>Die couldn’t help but smile as he realised that this moment was very much real and happening and that he felt Toshiya’s naked body sinking down on his own. All the excitement from before was now dimmed down by the amount of alcohol they had gotten, but it was for the better probably or else Die would have never had enough guts to get this close to the bassist.<br/>
Though, maybe they did have a bit too much alcohol. Die found himself having a hard time figuring out how to place his arms and hands around Toshiya’s body, and as steady as the younger one held him, everything else was swaying and tumbling around him.<br/>
“Tosh- Toshiya…” Die muttered between some sloppy kisses, got a hum as response. Now, he didn’t want to stop, but he knew it was probably a bad idea to go the full way. A bit scared by holding back now flinching, Die sighed, cussed himself internally.<br/>
“I’m afraid… I got a bit too much alcohol… for tonight.” It was only a faint whisper against Toshiya’s cheek and the response, he feared so much that Toshiya would now groan and call him out for backing out of this, was everything else but what he had expected: “God, thanks! I think… we’re both too plastered!”<br/>
Toshiya giggled and then Die laughed too, realised that he wasn’t alone with this insecurity.<br/>
“Now I’m relieved! Seriously!” Die laughed out, turned his head to the side and stilled his breath a bit. Nevertheless, he lifted his leg and pulled Toshiya closer, let his fingers dance over his naked back and shoulders. Holding him felt already good enough, skin against skin and nothing more.<br/>
“But… “ Die turned his head to Toshiya again who was supporting his head in his hand, was lying next to Die and gently caressing him: “…this doesn’t mean that I don’t want you.”<br/>
On that Toshiya smiled bright and gave Die a peck on the cheek, murmured that they’d come back to that as soon as they’d be sober.<br/>
A few more kisses and gentle exploring caresses later Die couldn’t keep himself awake, murmured that he’d drift off any second. Toshiya wasn’t any better, tried to get the blanket from underneath their bodies so they could tuck themselves underneath them.<br/>
“I hope you don’t mind… sometimes Luna comes up in the night.” Die’s voice was raspy, both men were completely sleep drunk, and, well, drunk.<br/>
“I’m fine with that… as long as she doesn’t get more affection than me!” Toshiya couldn’t help joking, kissed Die a last time before he nuzzled his head into the pillow, wrapped his arms around Die and finally both gave in to their drowsiness.</p><p> </p><p>Die didn’t think he’d wake up like this. Nuzzled cosily against Toshiya’s chest, his strong arms still wrapped around his body, his breath streaming warm over Die’s head, Luna somewhere around his feet. He had almost thought this all was some wicked dream he’d wake up to, all alone in a cold and empty bed with the hangover of his life.<br/>
Well, the hangover wasn’t that bad, and having Toshiya here was far from bad. For a moment Die’s heartbeat seemed to ten-fold. He let out a silent hum as he bumped his nose cautiously against Toshiya’s. Then though, the reason why he woke up from his tight sleep was ever present – toilet!<br/>
Carefully and as silent as Luna could sometimes sneak up on him, Die freed himself from Toshiya’s embrace and tip-toed over to the bathroom. It was shortly after six in the morning, they probably had returned here around nine? They hadn’t made it to the end of the movie and quite much fell asleep soon after arriving. So Die found it was okay to stay awake and not force himself to get back in bed and try to sleep. He didn’t feel that much tired, just a bit hangover. Nothing a good cup of coffee wouldn’t fix.</p><p>Silently, and still very much naked, Die got himself coffee, put fresh cat food in Luna’s bowl and then walked back to his bedroom. Toshiya had apparently found out that he had the bed all to himself and stretched himself on the mattress, laid displayed just as god had made him. The blanket was somewhere next to him, not covering much anymore.<br/>
With a smug grin Die walked up to the bed, sat down and slid his legs underneath the blanket. Toshiya also very quickly found out that the source of warmth that was gone much too fast before had returned again. Slinging his arm around Die’s waist, he pulled him closer, made Die grin some more even in those early morning hours.<br/>
“Where’ve you been?” Toshiya mutterer sleep drunk, pressed his face against Die’s ribs and yawned. Quickly Die put the cup on his bedside table and returned the gentle caress.<br/>
“Moon and back.” Die smiled. Softly he ran his fingers through Toshiya’s hair, crawled his head like he’d do with Luna.<br/>
“Dreamland?” Toshiya squealed onto which Die chuckled: “That too…Bathroom and kitchen.”<br/>
Toshiya let out an all-knowing hum, nudged his face even closer and enjoyed being held in such an affectionate way by Die. After some more minutes of warming up again, he drifted off into some light sleep again, felt faint caresses on his shoulder and head.</p><p> </p><p>When Toshiya woke up again, it still was pretty much dusky. The smell of coffee filled the air and Die was still there, holding him.<br/>
He was there, and that was real. And Toshiya didn’t really know how to proceed and if it was a good idea to really get back on what they had said yesterday. If Die wanted this, now that he was sober.</p><p>Turning around in Die’s lap, Toshiya stared up to the ceiling first, blinked a few times before he let his eyes wander to Die. The fear, he would push him away or laugh at him, mock him maybe, was like burnt away as Die greeted him with a soft smile: “Morning.”<br/>
Toshiya lifted one hand up to Die’s face. His hair was pushed back, only some loose strands fell in his face. This so beautiful face and those so perfect lips over which Toshiya let his thumb run, felt a faint kiss on the tip.<br/>
“Morning.” Toshiya mirrored the smile and then decided a proper kiss would be better. So he got up, let his hand wander down Die’s cheek and then back to his nape. Leaning in, there was no resistance, no coldness. Die laid his hand on Toshiya’s shoulder, insecure first, pulled him closer and got an immediate response by feeling his tongue flicking over his lips.<br/>
So early in the morning, Die hadn’t taken in account that someone could ever turn him on that much in such a short amount of time. An almost obscene and needy groan vibrated up Die’s throat, was answer enough for Toshiya to deepen their kiss and let his hands wander down Die’s chest to some lower regions that seemed to need more attention.</p><p>Before Die could object, Toshiya slid down, pushed the blanket aside to reveal Die’s erection that he quickly tried to hide again with the blanket. His attempt was very much in vain as Toshiya’ mouth was faster to make it disappear and if the groan from before wasn’t already awkward enough for Die, another too loud sigh crept over his lips. Toshiya sucked hard, flicked his tongue over the tip, ran down to the base and elicited even more moans from Die until he couldn’t hold it back anymore, pushed his hip upwards and hissed furiously: “Fuck me!”<br/>
Promptly Toshiya let go of Die’s erection and stared up to him. Did he really just say this? Die was almost as shocked as Toshiya over his so vulgar statement, stared back at Toshiya with wide eyes.<br/>
“Sorry…” Die waved off and looked away, pursed his lips in shame, but Toshiya was fast to take Die’s hands and make him look back at him: “No, I… you want me to top?!”<br/>
Toshiya couldn’t hide his confusion as he thought that Die would rather be the one to top and he didn’t mind, not at all thinking about how Die would fill him up. But that, that was for sure interesting too.<br/>
Die bit his lip and squeezed Toshiya’s hand, then muttered if he liked to, he’d be fine like that. It had always been a bit of a weird topic, that Die enjoyed bottoming more than taking the lead. He simply could relax better by giving himself.<br/>
“It’d be… an honour? Yeah!” Toshiya stammered and then laughed, laughed some more out of joy and then he kissed Die again, returned on stroking him while pulling him down on the mattress.</p><p>Toshiya had seen many photos of Die that had left him speechless. Even, questioning his sexual orientation before he quite much realised that he liked men as much as women, if not more. And Toshiya had thought he had seen the most perfect and even sensual pictures of Die already, or had accidently peeked on him changing when they had a live.<br/>
But nothing would ever come close to what Toshiya was allowed to see in that moment. It wasn’t for Die was beautifully naked. His cheeks were tainted faintly in a rosy blush, the abused lips swollen and reddened form kissing them, half closed eyes, watching every touch Toshiya placed on this body. The blond strands laid around Die’s head like some sort of halo and Toshiya had to remind himself that he wasn’t dreaming. As much as he hoped he was dreaming, waking up without the fear of making some mistake or hurting Die with whatever or have him regret this after today.</p><p>“Relax…” it was Die who said this to Toshiya even if Toshiya was the one stretching him carefully before he dipped in, watched if Die was okay.<br/>
“Sorry… bit nervous.” Toshiya admitted and leaned forward to kiss Die again.<br/>
“No need to be.” Die whispered, slung his arms around Toshiya’s neck to keep him exactly there and kiss him while he was thrusting in and steadily taking on a faster pace.<br/>
“Morning sex should be easy and light on the mind.” Die snickered, tried to calm Toshiya down with that. Seldom, Die enjoyed morning sex actually. Mostly, because his past lovers were too rough or it never came to waking up together and when he had been in a somewhat relationship, then it too never happened as his partners never liked it or preferred to sleep in longer.<br/>
Now, having Toshiya between his legs, holding one upright to thrust in from a slightly different angle than Die was used to, he could only pant and gasp for air. Toshiya was hitting the right spot with every move, as if he knew exactly how he needed to touch Die. Biting down on nothing, Die tensed up, one hand cramping behind Toshiya’s back before he released a high-pitched sigh, threw his head back into the mattress. Unbothered by Die’s wriggling Toshiya kept the pace, knew that he was doing him good like that. But, to spice it up a bit and to actually also feel him, Toshiya bent Die’s leg and secured his foot in the small of his back, let the now free again hand slid between their bodies to take care of Die’s pulsating erection.</p><p>“Please!” Die begged, didn’t even know what for. Release, more, closer, deeper, a kiss, a short break, again again again. Die bent his back, pressed his forehead against Toshiya’s neck, begged again and peeked between their bodies, watched Toshiya’s hand pumping him, thumb gliding over his tip.<br/>
“Mhh… relax…!” clearly mocking. Toshiya placed a kiss on Die’s forehead, ground deeper and drew another loud sigh from Die’s lips.<br/>
“I can’t…!” Die gasped, shook his head and rather rubbed his forehead against Toshiya’s skin. Die tensed up again, was so immensely hot and tight that Toshiya wasn’t sure how long he could keep going. But seemingly Die was close too and so Toshiya sped up a bit, placed hot kisses on Die’s neck as soon as he bent forward again, exposed this so kissable skin.</p><p>“Die… I’ll be… I’m coming any second…” Toshiya groaned against Die’s skin, pressed his eyes shut to concentrate a bit more on what he was doing. Die pressed him closer, kept him in a tight embrace and faced him again. Cheek against cheeks, their breaths exchanged as Toshiya let out a stuttered sigh and thrusted in a last hard time, stilled for a second to catch his breath again.<br/>
Contently Die smiled, ran his hands up Toshiya’s back, so sleek and so trained. He propped himself up on one elbow, made sure that Die’s leg was still in that exact position where he wanted him to be and then he took on pumping him again. The smile was gone as fast as Die came close to orgasm. His mouth fell open to let all those sweet moans out and now it was Toshiya who smiled happily as he made Die loose his mind.<br/>
With his last sloppy move, Toshiya ground his hips against Die’s, ran his tongue over Die’s neck, nibbled very gently to not leave marks but to let him know and feel. Exactly those faint little notes were all it took for Die to sigh and shiver and spill himself in Toshiya’s hand. Die’s eyes fluttered shut as a wave of relief and euphoria flushed over him. His body sank back into the mattress, almost lifelessly for a second. Slowly Toshiya retreated, pulled the filled up condom along and rolled it down, tried to not mess around with it.</p><p>“Just throw it on the floor.” Die huffed carelessly, wiped over his face. For a moment Toshiya stared at Die, then snorted and made a knot in it before he placed it on the floor. Now, all his attention was back at Die again who stilled his breath, held his eyes closed.<br/>
“You might wanna hit the shower?” Toshiya asked amused as he now saw the extent of their mess. Someone for sure hadn’t taken good care of his needs for some time already.<br/>
Die lifted one eyelid, looked at Toshiya: “You might wanna join?”<br/>
Toshiya smiled back at Die as response and drew a smile from Die’s face once more. With a last sigh Die lifted himself up to go to the bathroom. Thinking, Toshiya would follow him, Die didn’t much care, pulled his hair in a high bun and walked around the bed just to hear a high-pitched “WHAT THE HECK!” from behind.<br/>
Swiftly Die turned around and stared at Toshiya, if something happened but as there was nothing bad in sight, Die followed Toshiya’s eyes and spotted Luna sitting comfortably on the carpet in front of Die’s wardrobe. Toshiya hid himself somehow with his hands from the stares of Die’s cat, was blushing and a complete mess all of a sudden.<br/>
“Since when is she looking!” Toshiya squealed, felt weirdly exposed by a pet. Die shrugged his shoulder, after all she had for sure seen him jerk off already, then offered Toshiya some comfort by saying that he’d get used to it. It wasn’t quite much comforting as it was promising on this not being the last morning he’d find himself next to Die, awake and naked.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Intro: DTS (Die/Toshiya/Shinya)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It’s Valentine’s Day, and then it’s Kyo’s birthday and then it’s Kaoru’s birthday and when it is Kaoru’s birthday everyone is already fit for work again apart from the leader. So they all take some days off to actually enjoy a bit work-free time.</p><p>team DTS goes to a crime-and-dine night (and there was only one bed)</p><p> </p><p>Just some stupid friends-fluff and a few kisses? Yeah…</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>honestly - I have never been to a crime-and-dine night BUT if I'd ever to that, I'd hope/wish it would be something like this?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“It’s just a game night…” Shinya rolled his eyes as he placed his suitcase at the reception, handed over the booking confirmation.<br/>
“But we’re gonna stay here?” Toshiya hissed lowly, shot Die a helpless glance. Die though, only shrugged his shoulder and chuckled: “Suck it up big boy. You didn’t want to be alone, now you get to stick with us!”<br/>
Toshiya let out another displeased grumble but didn’t object any further. That silence ended quite much five minutes later when he realised that there was only one big bed in the room Shinya had booked.<br/>
“Oh my god… and there is only one bed!” Toshiya stared up the ceiling, prayed for a hole to open up beneath his feet and bury him deep in earth’s core for ever confirming to join his bandmates for that game night.<br/>
“Well, that’s what you get for tagging along last second.” Shinya huffed and put the suitcase on the floor, zipped it open. Die didn’t much care as it was a big bed anyway and it wasn’t the first time he and Shinya went on such trips together and shared a bed. They were sleeping anyway, so?<br/>
For some more seconds Toshiya just stood there with his bag and watched his bandmates pulling out diverse stuff and clothes, loads of clothes were tossed on the bed. That was why Shinya had a whole suitcase with for only one night? Would they play some game, who was faster to change clothes? That was, from all five of them, for sure Kaoru who didn’t want to lose time on such a mundane thing and had always been the fastest to get changed in his stage outfits. But he probably was also the one who gave himself the strictest of stares in the mirror and was the most aware of his looks. Not even Kyo was that petty when it came to stage outfit or make up, he usually talked it off as artistic nature when his make up was blurry or not right where he wanted. Though, temper tantrums were also a thing they all experienced over the years.</p><p>“You’re going to change?!” Toshiya gasped then as Shinya all of a sudden got up with a stack of clothes and went for the bathroom. Shinya shrugged his shoulder and said it was dine-and-crime so of course he would get changed in something more according.<br/>
Toshiya let out a low groan and mended a frown that was quick to build up between his eyebrows: “Am I underdressed?”<br/>
He was wearing simple fitting trousers out of elegant black fabric, a not to simple white shirt with a long jacket that had some nice stitching on the back and the sleeves. He found it appropriate for this evening, but apparently, it was not quite pleasing: “Yeah.”.<br/>
Both, Shinya and Die, gave his outfit a quick glance and then looked away again. As if Toshiya had some other outfit to change! He only had his pyjamas and night-stuff with him and something fresh and light for tomorrow!<br/>
“Excuse me?!” Toshiya huffed, didn’t know what he should now. Magically let some super fancy outfit appear?</p><p>But that was exactly what Shinya did. With a dramatic sigh, Shinya put his own clothes on the free winged chair in the room and went back to the bad where Die already started to look through the things Shinya had brought along.<br/>
“I admit, I had awaited this.” Shinya stated and hushed Die aside, made him wait patiently for his turn, it seemed. So, Shinya was always this prepared and even directed around the people who accompanied him?<br/>
Toshiya huffed amused about his ideas, that Shinya would dress up Die too.<br/>
What, Shinya did. Pulling out some clothes, trousers, skirts, bedazzled tights!; you couldn’t name it, but Shinya had it all.<br/>
Die waited, almost patiently but Toshiya could FEEL him vibrate, ready to make Shinya stop and hand him his outfit choice for their evening. Whatever it was that made Die almost visibly have a meltdown, was ignored by Shinya, dismissed with a fluted “wait.”<br/>
Content over his choices, Shinya lifted up two hangers where he had neatly put together the outfits for both of them he lifted them and gave Toshiya and Die a glance: “Chose.”</p><p>Shinya should have said fight. Without second thought Toshiya leaped forward and grabbed for the hanger with the trousers and the jacket before Die could. No way they would see him in a DRESS that Shinya had picked as second outfit and was now up for Die to be worn.<br/>
“No-oh!” Toshiya clicked his tongue and lifted the hanger up as high as he could as Die’s arm stretched out and longed for it. He bumped against Toshiya’s chest with such a force that Toshiya giggled, supported his bandmate with a tight grip around his hips.<br/>
“No-hooo… wear that pretty dress for us!” Toshiya fluted and let his hand wander up a bit, felt the body underneath trembling and jerking forward a last time to grab for the outfit that was clearly Toshiya’s win.<br/>
“It fits you waaaaaays better than me anyway, right, Shin-“ as Toshiya turned around to get an affirmative note from the one who chose those outfits, Shinya pretty much was already occupied by his own outfit choice and was in the bathroom changing.<br/>
Die clicked his tongue and got the other hanger with the dress and whatnot and shot Toshiya a bit of an angry glance and went over to the bathroom to wait until Shinya was ready.</p><p>Die had locked himself up in the bathroom for quite some time already. Shinya didn’t much bother, knew that the guitarist could spend endlessly long in there. Whatever he did, it didn’t much change the fact that he looked stunning as always, no matter how much or little make up he applied, if he wore his hair straight or spent hours curling them.<br/>
At some point, Toshiya feared Die would come out the minute when they had to go down in the dining hall and the bassist had no time anymore to change himself. So he more the less changed in front of Shinya, muttered that he shouldn’t look.<br/>
“Nothing I haven’t seen anyway over the years!” Shinya snorted and laid down on the bed, openly stared at Toshiya as he slid off his jacket, winced once more that he should stop staring like this but continued nevertheless.</p><p>“When is it gonna start?!” Toshiya asked after sitting idly in the winged chair for some time, watching Shinya play a game on his phone. Toshiya knocked once more, called for Die to speed up.<br/>
“We still got ten minutes, don’t expect him to be ready any minute earlier!” Shinya rolled on his back as much as he rolled his eyes. He should be used to Die taking all his time to perfect his looks, but sometimes…<br/>
The door opened and Die snickered out of the bathroom finally. As always, Shinya looked up only for one second, the image burned itself in his mind before he looked away again, held onto that very first impression as a warm and cosy feeling started to spread in his whole body.<br/>
And as always Toshiya couldn’t stop staring, made Die feel uncomfortable being exposed like this. Not, that the outfit was something he felt uncomfortable wearing. He felt confident wearing it, knew that this was exactly how Shinya wanted him to feel like with choosing those exact things.<br/>
“What?!” Die shot at Toshiya and stepped around, threw his hair back that laid in soft curls he took too long to get into this shape.<br/>
“You look…” Toshiya shook his head and then pursed his lips and smiled as he felt a blush covering his cheeks. Waving him closer, Die walked up, recalled that they were just having a fun evening and Toshiya was a jerk sometimes and couldn’t watch his tongue but also didn’t mean anything in a bad way.<br/>
Die leaned forward as he watched Toshiya’s hand lifting and mending the straps of the dress that weren’t laying neatly. His fingertips were so warm and soft, unlike he had expected from the bassist after so many years of picking the strings and working with his hands.<br/>
“Shinya help me find a word…” Toshiya snickered, tucked the hair out of Die’s face to mend the straps on the other side. Complying fully to be prepped up, Die sank down on Toshiya’s lap, grinned and let him fumble around with everything while Shinya sighed silently and then started by saying: “Beautiful, enticing, interesting, sparkling, charming, dazzling – “<br/>
Die snorted and giggled voicelessly at the words that spilled so freely over the drummer’s lips. Toshiya gasped for air and then let out a laugh too, muttered that those weren’t proper words to describe Die.<br/>
“Lovely!” Shinya spat out, made them laugh even more.<br/>
“Alluring? Seductive! Pretty…” he stressed every word differently, was absolutely aware that none of them was fitting and only making it worse but it entertained them and Die didn’t call for a stop, so he kept reading all the synonyms he had looked up for: “Irresistible, fascinating, nice.”<br/>
“Nice! Yes sure! Oh god, Shin!” Toshiya interrupted him, turned the last necklace and freed it off some entangled hair before he placed his arms around Die’s waist and just held him. Like this, because it felt nice and having Die sit on his lap felt nice too actually. It was a game night, so why not play a bit.<br/>
“What are you even coming up with so many words?!” Die fluted and looked over to him, watched him lift the phone: “Just reading all the different synonyms for ‘attractive’. Isn’t that what you’d be looking for, Toshiya?”<br/>
A silent and almost shameful squeal made it out of Toshiya’s mouth before he pressed his face against Die’s back to hide how much he was blushing right now from that statement.<br/>
“Nooo?!” he tried to defend himself even if ‘attractive’ was pretty much what he had in mind but refrained from saying so to not make it any weird.<br/>
Die snorted and slapped Toshiya softly, then mocked him if he didn’t look attractive in Toshiya’s eyes, clearly wanting to hear it from the bassist. Toshiya nudged his face on Die’s back, poked in his sides to stop his giggling but made it only worse as Die was very ticklish on the sides of his stomach.<br/>
“Maybe you do!” he let out in an angry tone, then squeezed him a last time to let him know that he didn’t mean it in a negative way but never admit it so openly.<br/>
“Oh just say you love me already!” Die groaned and sank further against Toshiya, leaned onto him as if they were an old couple, what made Shinya smile and take up his phone.<br/>
“One picture, for memory’s sake!” He smiled and took a shot, held the grin of his bandmates forever depictured.<br/>
“You gotta join too Shinya-chan!” Die whined and waved at him to also join the photo. So Shinya placed the phone on the bed in a good angle and clicked on the timer before he walked around and kneeled down next to Die who still sat very comfortable on Toshiya’s lap. The phone gave off some clicks and Shinya smiled contently, let them know that they should get ready for the dinner as it was about time already.</p><p> </p><p>At the entry to the dining hall there were already some people waiting in line, getting handed cards and so also the three of them got cards and were led to their table that they joined with another couple around their age. The cards they got were their ‘role’ of the night and as Shinya explained his two companions, they were not allowed to peek at each others cards as Toshiya was about to take a look on Die’s card.<br/>
It was common that the guests had little roles to participate in the game and the real actors quasi were allowed to have some interrupted dinner while taking the lead and building up the scene.<br/>
After taking up the drink orders and an introduction to the evening the opening act ‘happened’ – the owner of the hotel, married, no kids, was shot! They find his corpse at the bar with a shot wound and now have to find who was it before another person gets shot who might have seen the murder happening!</p><p>Shinya, knowing how such evenings went on, relaxed even if he had almost no info other than a hint written on his card that he could get one more hint during an encounter at the toilet. He couldn’t say anything even as Toshiya asked who it was.<br/>
“How should he know if he didn’t shoot the hotel owner! That’s the game Totchi!” Die giggled and took up the menu card just as Shinya did.<br/>
“So what are we doing now?!” Toshiya asked and Shinya sighed, felt that this evening would be more fun than he had expected. Toshiya seemed completely taken away right from the start.<br/>
“Order starters and wait if someone says something? We can also discuss… if one of us heard something? Or where we had been at the time when it happened.” Shinya suggested as this was usually how those things were starting.<br/>
“I was taking a shower.” Die stated, ordered some light starters for the three of them as Toshiya seemed much too occupied by two tasks.<br/>
“Bath, sorry… I was in the bathroom!” Die quickly corrected himself as he peeked on his card to make sure.<br/>
“You have this written on your card?” Toshiya whispered ominously, ducked his head. There was nothing written on his card apart from the info which room number his was. Not even if he shared that room or ANYTHING.<br/>
“Duh, yeah.” Die snickered and took a sip from his wine, hummed contently at the sweet taste and handed it over to Toshiya to let him have a taste too.</p><p>“Oh, you’re having a date night too! It’s our first time doing this crime-and-dine this year! We get it from friends for Christmas every year!” the woman on their table interrupted and smiled at them. Toshiya, as flustered and silent as he could get, took a second gulp from the wine, hoped that Die would say something, ANYTHING. He didn’t even have a card to look onto for some little bits of conversation. Was this a thing people who attended such events did? Just, got cosy with each other and talk so openly?<br/>
“It’s his first time!” Shinya smiled and Die giggled, shared an almost seemingly loving glance with the drummer. This seemed such a promising night at how quickly Toshiya got hooked up with the whole scene, even if it was about murder.<br/>
“Oh how lovely! Sorry, I am Tara and this is my husband Ben! We’re from Singapore and heard this is one of the best hotels for a crime-and-dine night!” the woman introduced themselves and shook Shinya’s and Die’s hands and then also Toshiya’s who seemed a bit overwhelmed by all these new things.<br/>
“This is Shinya, Toshiya and I am Die! Nice to meet you!” Die smiled back, felt a tug on the side of his dress. Did Toshiya had to pay attention? Were they real guests or part of the staff who played along? Was this real conversation or part of the game?<br/>
“Daisy! What a nice name! It’s a pleasure to meet you!” the woman smiled and waved at the waitress to order some more drinks for her and her husband.<br/>
“Dai-sy?!” Toshiya whispered and gulped, frowned for a second. Die waved it off and giggled: “She probably misunderstood, let’s roll with this, I feel up for it tonight!”<br/>
Shinya snickered a bit too and pursed his lips, was happy that they had so much fun right away.<br/>
Die kept talking about the restaurants they had already visited, would talk with Shinya later about going there as Shinya took some notes and joined their chat. Toshiya kept poking Die’s legs to finally ask if they were ‘playing’ or this was okay and he was so confused and then someone got up and… left for the toilet probably?<br/>
Taking more drastic measurements Toshiya placed his whole hand on Die’s thigh to get his attention and that he quickly got.<br/>
“What IS it!” Die whispered and placed his hand on top of Toshiya’s to push it a tad bit downwards as he was aiming very far upwards.<br/>
“Are we… am I allowed to talk with them?” Toshiya whispered, looked at them suspiciously. They seemed, nice? But what if they were the murderers!<br/>
“Of course! Now relax!” Die giggled and shook his head, leaned back in his chair tilted a bit towards the bassist. Gently he squeezed his hand that was still very comfortably laying on Die’s thigh: “You see the guy with the fedora over there?”<br/>
“The what?” – “Hat, the dude with the dark blue hat.” That Toshiya didn’t even know the name for this kind of hat! And he did fashion, Die shook his head, was amused over that.<br/>
“He seems suspicious to me, can’t say why.” Die clicked his tongue and took up his wine glass.<br/>
“Are you saying this now because it’s written on your card, that you gotta tell me this?” Toshiya whispered, watched that man happily chatting with the others that sat on the table with him.<br/>
“I’m saying this because I got a weird feeling.” Die muttered, watched him too, slid a bit closer to Toshiya: “It’s the hat?” – “Yeah, it’s the hat.” – “How did you call it?” – “Fedora.” – “Right, Fedora-dude is suspicious.”</p><p>Of course the man who wore a fedora hat was off. As the starters finally came he went up and didn’t return. One of the waiters found him dead in the hallway where the toilets were. He had no shot wound but some saliva, foam she explained, was dripping over his chin.<br/>
“Poison!” Toshiya smiled as the realisation.<br/>
“Of course poison. Probably something in the drink.” Shinya concluded, got himself a helping of crispy fried vegetables and fresh spring onion.<br/>
“Why not the food?” Die asked, waited for a second to start eating. As if their food was poisoned for real!<br/>
“Takes too long, he left too early from the table after getting their starters.” Shinya concluded, got a nod from Die and Toshiya. Then it hit Toshiya: “I haven’t even watched out for the other tables when they got their food! Oh god, I can’t concentrate on so much going on!”</p><p>During the starters they were asked to state a first round of ideas and what they have seen or whatever else was maybe even written on the cards if they had notes. The first people got called out for acting suspicious or being alleged to have committed murder but no real traces. The next question they got confronted with – were there two murderer or was it the work of one? Did they work together if it were two?<br/>
“We’re gonna solve this TONIGHT?” Toshiya asked and ate some soup, watched the other tables chatting lively, even taking notes on papers.<br/>
“Have you never watched CSI or Criminal Minds? Of course we’re gonna solve this tonight.” Shinya laughed and then slid over a paper with a note. He was sure it was only one murderer.<br/>
“Why?” Die asked curiously but he also thought it was only one, didn’t really know why he had this idea.<br/>
Shinya shrugged his shoulder, muttered that it was a feeling for now, he’d look out for something.<br/>
“One of the waitresses? The Fedora-dude was a normal guest.” Toshiya stated, tried to calm himself down. He had watched a few episodes of those crime series but they baffled him how they always found traces and suddenly everything aligned in the last five minutes of the show.<br/>
“Nah, too easy. Could be kitchen personnel too who got him something in the drink. Didn’t he have like… olives in his drink? Could be from the kitchen, and just because the owner got found at the bar, doesn’t mean it was someone of the waiters or waitresses.” Die concluded. He had learned fast to not overlook things or exclude certain groups of people who seemingly didn’t fit into the profile at first.<br/>
“What’s written on your card!” Toshiya grumbled and got suspicious now if Die knew more than he should for a ‘normal’ guest. Die though snickered and lifted his card tentatively and then slid it in the cleavage of the dress, arching an eyebrow.<br/>
“Oh you didn’t…” Toshiya whined and was at loss what he should do now with all the crime and murder going on around them.<br/>
“I very much did, darling!” Die chuckled and occupied himself with the food again, found a great liking in the little sautéed chicken and mushroom skewers.</p><p>As the starters were finished and nothing grand happened Shinya excused himself to the toilet and they finally started to state their ideas all together. Toshiya wasn’t any further with his ideas and neither was Die, but he had some feeling.<br/>
That feeling got affirmed as Shinya came back along with a waiter and was wearing a bright red badge.<br/>
“Another victim!” the waiter called out and Shinya was allowed to sit back on his place, got shocked glances from his bandmates. He lifted his card with a dramatic sigh – ‘go to the toilet for answer if you wish to know more’ – and then muttered that he was apparently too nosy.<br/>
“So… you’re dead now?!” Toshiya flinched back, slid his chair a bit away from him.<br/>
“I wanted to play a bit longer.” Shinya put his face in his hands, stared longingly and kind of sad on the table. Quickly Toshiya patted his shoulder and said he would make a pretty corpse at least.<br/>
“How’d you got killed?” Die asked, leaned over.<br/>
“I’m dead! I can’t talk!” Shinya scrunched his nose over that question and made Die laugh out and facepalm himself.</p><p>The talks went on, more people started accusing others but no real conclusion were made. Die and Toshiya though had an odd feeling and that included the two other people on their table. The lady, Tara she introduced herself?, was only wearing one glove and of course Die would NEVER ask a lady something about her style if she chose to go out like this. And what if she had a scar or something very hurtful underneath that she wanted to cover to have a nice evening without stares? No way.<br/>
But Toshiya… maybe if he could get Toshiya into asking her?<br/>
“Hey Totchi… can you ask her about the glove? Why she’s only wearing one? Can tell her I asked because it looks nice or something like that, figure out a little lie, I gotta go to the bathroom real fast!” and with that Die got up and was almost about to go but Toshiya held him back, wrapped his arm around Die’s waist and pulled him back, stared at him helplessly: “Don’t leave me! Are you gonna die too?”<br/>
Die snorted and shook his head and leaned forward to press a soothing kiss on Toshiya’s forehead before he whispered: “I seriously need to take a piss.”<br/>
Toshiya’s jaw worked, as pretty and polished Die looked today, he still could talk like some dirty construction worker.<br/>
Tara, pretty much also excused herself to the toilet and giggled along Die as she followed him. Die threw a last hopeful glance back to Toshiya and had to, well… follow Tara to the ladies bathroom?</p><p>“Um, Ben, right?” Toshiya put on a soft smile, had downed enough wine at least to take the chance and do what Die had requested. Maybe it was a good chance to ask Tara’s husband and Die would ask Tara himself?<br/>
“My… uh, Daisy was wondering about Tara’s glove.” Toshiya bit his lip, how should he make it seem as if he was casually talking and not INVESITGATING them because it pretty much felt like an investigation.<br/>
Ben nodded and arched his eyebrows. Sure, it looked odd to only wear one, they had already waited for the moment someone from their table would ask. That it took them so long…<br/>
“You know how ladies can be!” Toshiya rolled his eyes and hoped that Die gave off a good and real lady. Ben giggled and leaned over the table: “Don’t tell me! We’ve been married for 15 years already!”<br/>
“24!” Shinya threw in and pointed at Toshiya, what made the bassist giggle and shush him up, recalled that he was dead actually.<br/>
“That long already!” Ben stuttered for a second and Toshiya smiled, bit his lip before he said that they sure had been young back then. Back then, when they started out as Diru, for real and forever – Toshiya saw no chance of ever changing this and he didn’t want to change anything about that, it was perfect as it was – they were young but they knew. Maybe it wasn’t love, but it were a feeling they shared mutually that made them stick together and grow mould.<br/>
“I mean like… is it her style to only wear one? Or some… nasty scratch? Sorry to ask so bluntly, but if Die-sy would… eh, she’s of curious nature!”<br/>
What was he doing here actually! Even Shinya giggled already and kicked his foot against Toshiya’s leg.<br/>
“Actually I don’t know. She packed both gloves but only put on one? We wanted to go here a bit more fancy and I think that’s very appropriate to sit with you…!” Ben gestured towards Shinya and Toshiya who wore such elegant and fine clothing, practically complimented them.<br/>
“Oh so… just like that?” Toshiya shrugged his shoulder and Ben nodded: “Just like that. That’s how our ladies are, right?”</p><p>“Left or right hander?” Toshiya leaned back, watched Tara sipping on her wine and laughing with Die as if they had the time of their life in the bathroom. Did they do drugs? Was that, why ladies always went to the toilet together? Did they apply lipstick on each other? Die had apparently re-applied some, smelled like… fruit? Did Tara offer him perfume?<br/>
“What?” Shinya asked and leaned towards Toshiya who drummed on the edge of the table with his fingers and repeated: “Is Tara right of left hander? She wrote something down before.”<br/>
“Duh, I’m dead, you said yourself!” Shinya grinned and finally got on some thought train.<br/>
“Dude, give me some memory support. I watched her, but I can’t recall!” Toshiya whined and drummed some more. Shinya imitated him and grinned: “Then ya gotta make use of that big brain of yours!”<br/>
“Yamo-chaaaan….!” Toshiya whined, drummed some more and then looked down to Shinya’s fingers. He drummed with the left hand only and then grinned: “I can’t tell!”</p><p>“Die…. Die!” Toshiya bugged, got no attention again. For a second he thought, then rand his hand over Die’s back, skin on skin, and finally got all the attention he needed, let his hand rest on Die’s back and leaned over.<br/>
“What is it?!” Die whispered, felt much too flustered as Toshiya leaned over so close to make it seem as if they really were married. Die’s fingers fisted in his dress as Toshiya tilted his head even more and pressed a cautious kiss on his cheek: “We’re married for 24 years already, right.”<br/>
“Huh?” Die needed a moment, then grinned and shut his eyes close, bumped his cheek against Toshiya’s nose.<br/>
“Your husband has an idea.” He snickered and told Die that he suspected Tara of the murders.<br/>
“And how?”<br/>
“Not fully sure yet. Her glove, she only put that one on Ben said. When you shoot someone it leaves gunpowder on your fingers or hand. Aaaand she’s left hander, so she shot with the left hand and disposed of the glove.” – “Okay but what if she’s left hander and shot with the right hand because of that and now is HIDING any remnants of gunpowder on her right hand?”<br/>
For a moment Toshiya stared at Die – how brilliant!<br/>
“I guess I love you!” Toshiya giggled and then blushed and turned away again as their main course was served.<br/>
“It doesn’t explain how she got the Fedora-guy, how could she get him to drink something poisoned?” Die asked then, made Toshiya frown. He had completely forgotten about that murder!<br/>
“Hey, I’m not dead over here!” Shinya leaned over and wanted to know what was going on. Die frowned: “And Shinya, how did you die?”<br/>
Maybe Tara wasn’t the murderer?<br/>
At least, for now they were looking forward to their main course! Toshiya and Die got themselves steak while Shinya got a hotpot with sea-bream.<br/>
And Tara and Ben? Ben had a vegetable pot with diverse sauces and Tara had ordered an exclusive plate of grilled prawns.<br/>
“Oh that looks good! Now I kinda want scampi too. Gonna go and make some tomorrow.” Toshiya moaned as he saw Tara’s plate.<br/>
“Would you like one? I can’t eat all of them anyway!” Tara offered happily but before Toshiya could already snap one he got a bump from Die on his knee.<br/>
“Uh no thanks!” Toshiya refrained and then shot Die an asking glance. Maybe DIE wanted one?<br/>
“Daisy, would you want one?” Tara offered now and Die smiled contently. Of course she wouldn’t ask Shinya and not because he had seafood already on his own plate but because he was dead. And so Tara put one on Die’s plate and Die smiled contently as SHE picked one.<br/>
“Keep track, I’m sure I’ll be dead in a second.” Die whispered and thanked her but then faced another problem. It wasn’t peeled!<br/>
“Tooooshiya…. Mind, help?” Die groaned lowly and pointed at the prawn.<br/>
“My god, you’re 46 and still a child!” Toshiya giggled lowly and started to peel off the shell.<br/>
“Thank youuu!” Die giggled and pressed a peck on Toshiya’s cheek. One, that he truly meant because he did in fact like the taste of them but peeling them… eh, he’d rather change all strings of his AND Kaoru’s guitars before he’d peel one of those.</p><p>Poison, there it was. Not even five minutes later a waiter walked up to Die and asked him to stand up. The waiter, a player of course, told a little story of how Die started shaking and fell off the chair. Toshiya, taken, threw his hand on his chest, wept jokingly ‘my beloved!’ and then laughed along with Die who laid down on the floor dramatically to give his act a bit more pep.<br/>
And then, everyone went back to eating, or something like this, whatever one did when a murder happened in the middle of their dinner. Toshiya held open his arm for Die to grab and he very ungracefully got up on the chair again, got a red badge like Shinya and was allowed to take on eating again.<br/>
“So then?!” Die grinned, looked over to Toshiya: “Are you gonna avenge my death?”<br/>
Toshiya giggled and then asked Shinya if it was okay to ask the moderator of the evening because he had some idea and didn’t want to eat all alone without sharing his suspicion with anyone.<br/>
“This calls for Vendetta.” Toshiya huffed and then got up as the moderator walked up and said one of the hotel guests wanted to make an announcement.</p><p>Dramatically Toshiya put his hand on Die’s shoulder and wept, that his beloved one was taken away in a cruel act of poisoning and it was no one else than the woman on their very table!<br/>
Tara, very much taken aback, shouted out how he dared to accuse her of this.<br/>
“You, lady, picked the poisoned prawn!” Toshiya grinned and earned a nod from Shinya and Die, then went on: “Not sure about the glove, but you shot the hotel owner and either you’re hiding the gunpowder by wearing a glove or got disposed of the other one.”<br/>
“That are some strong accusations! And what about Mister Akamo and your companion Shinya-san?” Tara shot back.<br/>
“The Fedora-dude!” Die reminded Toshiya.<br/>
“There was poison in Die’s food and his drink, this has to somehow have a connection.” Toshiya stated, and then added: “About Shinya-chan, I’m not sure? Maybe you set someone up at the toilet? Maybe some crime partner like the waitress?”<br/>
Good points.<br/>
“Well, I think, there is no way around this now…” Tara sighed and admitted the murders and to have help from a waitress who also got heartbroken by the hotel owner with whom Tara wanted to run away and live happily. But he didn’t want her, so she murdered him. The guests applauded, shouted that this was an amazing trace and how Toshiya could track this all down like this.<br/>
“But! I have to correct you. The waitress who killed Shinya-san feared he’d find out about my affair and helped me conceal my crime before someone would find out, like Mister Akamo whom I was sure saw me killing the hotel owner.”</p><p>“And who is Ben to you?!” Shinya asked now and Ben laughed that they were siblings in real life.<br/>
“I would have had to kill him next to run away with the hotel owner, sorry babe!” Tara laughed some more and seemed much more relaxed and put off the glove.<br/>
“They asked about the glove!” Ben grinned then, leaned back too and enjoyed some drinks, nodded to Toshiya that he was very attentive.<br/>
“Don’t worry, he’s not always like this!” Die waved it off and got a poke in his ribs immediately on that comment: “What does that mean now?”<br/>
Die but shrugged his shoulder and put some potato wedges on the fork and took on eating, now that the case was closed.</p><p> </p><p>After some more drinks and lights chats, Shinya being very talkative now with Ben and Tara and exchanging even more stories from older events like this and how it was to apply for doing this and if they had some training or worked for the theatre, they decided to play some board games or anything else Shinya had brought along up in their room. To have a bit more fun and keep their open atmosphere, Die got some more wine and glasses from the bar and they just sat down on the hotel floor as it had carpet flooring anyway and seemed freshly cleaned. And even if not, for that they already had that one sip too much.</p><p>“Okay, as you are the only one who managed to keep alive, I propose that I play with Die and you have to survive alone one more time.” Shinya giggled and sat down on the floor prepared the board and the figurines while Die filled their glasses. Toshiya whined first but then mocked, that maybe they’d manage to survive longer if they’d join forces.<br/>
“Am I allowed to get out of the dress now?” Die asked before he took a seat but got a quick no from both men.<br/>
“Cruel!” Die cawed and laid down on his stomach and there fell out the card that he had put in his cleavage before.<br/>
“Uh, what was written on it actually?” Toshiya asked and took it up, but there was no much info other than that he was bathing before dressing up for dinner and that he shouldn’t order seafood.<br/>
“They sure had some premonition that you fail at eating crab!” Toshiya chuckled and leaned forward, looked at the board and the figurines Shinya had neatly put up.<br/>
“Oh shut up!” and there flew a little figurine and Shinya let out a displeased sound while Toshiya turned around and got the figurine back on its place again to get started.</p><p>After dying pretty much ten times in a row Toshiya stated that he didn’t like that game and he wanted to play with Die who seemed to be a pro at this game.<br/>
“Luck!” Die grinned contently and then said, as winner he takes his price and would change in his pyjama now.<br/>
“You shall be exceptionally authorised!” Shinya fluted and packed up the game.<br/>
“You got other games too here? It’s not that late and I want to win at least one last time after those flakes!” Toshiya whined and got handed the bag with the other games Shinya had.<br/>
“This one looks nice?” Toshiya lifted up a pack of cards that was colourful and didn’t have a long description on the backside.<br/>
“Ugh…” Shinya scrunched his nose and pulled his knees up to his chest: “That one I lose all the time. I’ll keep Die for this!”<br/>
“Unfair!” Toshiya pouted but didn’t much mind as Die came back from the bathroom, all washed and dressed cosily in his Mickey Mouse pyjamas.<br/>
“You play with Toshiya, I’ll watch you.” Shinya gestured to Toshiya and the game and Die nodded eagerly, liked this one but they never played it when they spent an evening doing light games. It didn’t happen often but the more both men enjoyed this and now they got Toshiya hooked up on this too.<br/>
With a grin on his lips Die shuffled the cards and got some for him, placed himself behind Shinya and wrapped his arms around the small drummer so he could see the cards in his hands.<br/>
“Good pick?” Die asked, got his legs in some weird kind of cross-legged position and then leaned his chin on Shinya’s shoulder, peeked over him to the cards.<br/>
“Not bad I’d say.” Shinya muttered, had no idea if those were good for a start. Die sighed, nuzzled his face closer to Shinya’s and shifted the cards a bit, slid one up with his thumb: “How about this as start?”<br/>
Suspiciously Shinya took the card and placed it between them and Toshiya who also tried to pick a starting card.<br/>
“I didn’t know I’d need to use my brain so much tonight!” Toshiya moaned as he finally decided on one and got quickly beaten by Die lifting the next and Shinya placing it on the little staple.<br/>
“I think I like this game.” Shinya admitted softly after some time and only got a pout back from Toshiya who called him out that he only liked it because Die was cuddling him.<br/>
“You’re just jealous big boy.” Die fluted and laid a last card on the staple, won the game.<br/>
“Unfair, as I said! You got Yamo-chan AND won the game.” Toshiya pouted and packed up the cards.<br/>
“Then, come and join, let’s watch some movie!” Die proposed and slid back with Shinya between his legs, pulled them against the end of the bed to lean back. Toshiya clicked his tongue but didn’t complain, rather comply as he leaned back too and then rested his head on Die’s shoulder, got an immediate peck on his head.<br/>
Shinya chose some light movie, an old one they knew anyway so no need to concentrate a lot and that was just about right as Die felt the warmth of those two bodies lulling him into some sleep.<br/>
Toshiya couldn’t help smiling as he saw Die giving his best to stay awake and failing.<br/>
“You falling asleep already?” Toshiya muttered, woke Die up, who frowned and then denied, lulled that he was super awake. Shinya chuckled too, looked over to them and then sighed blissfully and leaned against Die’s shoulder, rested his eyes too.<br/>
“Are ya both falling asleep now!” Toshiya mocked them and got up, decided it was probably good to move a level upwards and lay down in bed.<br/>
“Don’t goooo now!” Die whined and held onto Toshiya, made him sit back and rest his chin on Die’s shoulder.<br/>
“How long you plan on sitting here, holding back sleeping?” Toshiya snorted. Shinya was a bit more responsible and got up now, even against Die’s muttered complaints, and left for the bathroom to change and get his teeth brushed too.<br/>
“Two more minutes!” Die lulled like the sleepdrunk he was, made Toshiya giggle and press a kiss on his cheek: “Yeah sure.”<br/>
“Yeah! Sure!” Die gave back, nuzzled his face against Toshiya, hoping for another soft kiss on his cheek. But he got none so he frowned and turned his face: “Kiss me…”<br/>
“What?” Toshiya looked back at him from the screen. Die frowned, pointed on his cheek, repeated his wish: “Kiss me.”<br/>
And so Toshiya did, placed another kiss on Die’s cheek, made him smile.<br/>
As Shinya came out of the bathroom Die held open his arms and demanded that he should lean down and as he did, Die pressed a peck on Shinya’s cheek.<br/>
“Let’s go to bed!” Die sighed and then: “Lift me up.”<br/>
Shinya snorted and jumped up on the mattress, slid underneath the blanket, left this task for Toshiya to fulfil.<br/>
“You demand a lot for a dead man!” Toshiya shook his head but complied and lifted Die up, got him next to Shinya. The drummer held open the blanket, ready to tug him underneath so Toshiya could get ready too.</p><p>As Toshiya came back he spotted Shinya cosily nuzzled against Die’s chest, Die laying on his back, arm stretched out for Toshiya to join in the same way apparently. Not really caring much, he lifted the blanket on the other side of Die and slid closer to them, felt Die’s arm wrapping around him immediately.<br/>
“I thought you wouldn’t come back.” Die muttered, ran his hand up Toshiya’s back to draw him closer.<br/>
“I’m right here.” Toshiya calmed him, stroked some hair out of Die’s face and then out of Shinya’s too.<br/>
“We should do this again soon.” admittedly Toshiya had really had fun tonight even if it was all so new and costed him a lot energies from all those new impressions and for being left as only survivor in the end.<br/>
“Absolutely! It was wonderful.” Die sighed, put a kiss on Shinya’s head and then on Toshiya’s head. This was all he needed and wanted and as he felt another soft kiss on his cheek, he finally gave in and let himself drift off in some well deserved sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the next one will be the (big and massive and pretty much not posted here but inspired here) Kao/Kyo chapter (that I procrastinated writing for so long and well yeah) that actually goes along with this here like some - and what does the rest of the band do?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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